Comments on: Challenging Your Role of Being The Other Woman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: bonnie m http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-264617 bonnie m Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:12:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-264617 So, I find myself reading these messages in hope of finding answers to my situation. Let me start at the beginning. When I was 18 I met a gorgeous man. I was in a relationship at the time and apart from the occasional flirt I wasn't interested in that way. He was also in a relationship with a 3 year old son, he was working away and had a quick fling with my friend. 3 years later and I was single, my friend and I decided to visit the group of friends we then worked with including this man. Straight away he made a beeline for me and wouldn't leave me alone. That night we slept together and I stayed with him for a few days until it was time for me to go home knowing full well he was still with the mother of his son and they had since had another little boy. We got together on and off for a few years and it suited me as I was travelling the world working as was he but I started to realise I was falling for him big time. I always kept my side of the bargain, never asked him to leave his other half or children. As far as I was concerned, I was giving him what he wanted and when I was with him I felt special and felt I had one up on his girlfriend as I knew about het but she didn't know about me. Then, suddenly he was sent to prison for 2 years. I knew it was possibly on the cards and continued to write and speak to him regularly although I never visited him. He was still with his girlfriend throughout his sentence. A few months before he was due for release, I met another man and started a relationship. This new guy reminded me of my other man but had no commitments. I realised I needed to be with someone new and finished what I had with my man in prison. 12 years passed, a rocky marriage and 2 children. Then out of the blue I was contacted by a mutual friend who said my man from prison was looking for me. Course I was flattered and contacted him straight away. He was still in a on off relationship with the mother of his children although she now lived in a separate house and their sons were now grown men. We decided to meet and fell right back into each others arms. He was everything my husband wasn't. I have to admit I always thought about him throughout my marriage and always wondered where he was. I of course tried looking for him on the Internet but never found anything. In fact, I always told myself, if my marriage ended I would find him somehow but never had the courage to finish with my husband until he found out I was having an affair with this man. So, my marriage ended and I was back with my ex. He split with the mother of his children and slowly things started to work out. His ex tried everything to change his mind and even sent me a message to say she wouldn't give up on him. Anyway, a year down the line and my divorce almost settled me and my man were excited about a new life together. My children adored him as did my mum. He was happy to leave his old life behind and move miles away to be with us. That's when it all went wrong. After spending a week together, he went quiet on me. He said he didn't think what we gad could work. We met up face to face and he told me he still loved his ex and had to try and give it another go. I was devestated and begged him to rethink. After all, she had previously walked out on him once before, attacked and injured him and was an alcoholic. I couldn't believe he was about to throw away what we had. I could understand the commitment of taking on a new family with 2 small children in a strange place but I told him I would even move to his home town. He said his family, especially his mother was putting continous pressure on him to try again with his ex. I couldn't believe it, I told him I couldn't live without him and couldn't just be friends so we agreed that we would carry on seeing each other behind his ex back. I knew I was mad to now be the other woman again but couldn't face losing him forever. So, what choice do I have? It's only early days and when he's home from working I won't even be able to speak or text him as she will be there. She says she will be take him back but will take her a long time to trust him again. She won't even move straight back into his house let alone sleep with him. So, I'm obviously hoping it won't work out, he has even said it could be over in a small amount of time and then at least he can prove to everyone he's tried. I'm torn apart knowing I shouldn't be still seeing him not knowing the future and can't tell anyone as I know they'll tell me I'm mad. I'm even wondering if him telling me he'll still see me is false hope thinking that I may give up. But what am I to do when he is the love of my life. It's my birthday soon and I desperately want to see him but as she knows when the date is he probably won't be able to get away without her getting suspicious. I really am in despair but can't face not having him in my life...... So, I find myself reading these messages in hope of finding answers to my situation. Let me start at the beginning. When I was 18 I met a gorgeous man. I was in a relationship
at the time and apart from the occasional flirt I wasn’t interested in that way. He was also in a relationship with a 3 year old son, he was working away and had a quick fling with my friend. 3 years later and I was single, my friend and I decided to visit the group of friends we then worked with including this man. Straight away he made a beeline for me and wouldn’t leave me alone. That night we slept together and I stayed with him for a few days until it was time for me to go home knowing full well he was still with the mother of his son and they had since had another little boy. We got together on and off for a few years and it suited me as I was travelling the world working as was he but I started to realise I was falling for him big time. I always kept my side of the bargain, never asked him to leave his other half or children. As far as I was concerned, I was giving him what he wanted and when I was with him I felt special and felt I had one up on his girlfriend as I knew about het but she didn’t know about me. Then, suddenly he was sent to prison for 2 years. I knew it was possibly on the cards and continued to write and speak to him regularly although I never visited him. He was still with his girlfriend throughout his sentence. A few months before he was due for release, I met another man and started a relationship. This new guy reminded me of my other man but had no commitments. I realised I needed to be with someone new and finished what I had with my man in prison. 12 years passed, a rocky marriage and 2 children. Then out of the blue I was contacted by a mutual friend who said my man from prison was looking for me. Course I was flattered and contacted him straight away. He was still in a on off relationship with the mother of his children although she now lived in a separate house and their sons were now grown men. We decided to
meet and fell right back into each others arms. He was everything my husband wasn’t. I have to admit I always thought about him throughout my marriage and always wondered where he was. I of course tried looking for him on the Internet but never found anything. In fact, I always told myself, if my marriage ended I would find him somehow but never had the courage to finish with my husband until he found out I was having an affair with this man. So, my marriage ended and I was back with my ex. He split with the mother of his children and slowly things started to work out. His ex tried everything to change his mind and even sent me a message to say she wouldn’t give up on him. Anyway, a year down the line and my divorce almost settled me and my man were excited about a new life together. My children adored him as did my mum. He was happy to leave his old life behind and move miles away to be with us. That’s when it all went wrong. After spending a week together, he went quiet on me. He said he didn’t think what we gad could work. We met up face to face and he told me he still loved his ex and had to try and give it another go. I was devestated and begged him to rethink. After all, she had previously walked out on him once before, attacked and injured him and was an alcoholic. I couldn’t believe he was about to throw away what we had. I could understand the commitment of taking on a new family with 2 small children in a strange place but I told him I would even move to his home town. He said his family, especially his mother was putting continous pressure on him to try again with his ex. I couldn’t believe it, I told him I couldn’t live without him and couldn’t just be friends so we agreed that we would carry on seeing each other behind his ex back. I knew I was mad to now be the other woman again but couldn’t face losing him forever. So, what choice do I have? It’s only early days and when he’s home from working I won’t even be able to speak or text him as she will be there. She says she will be take him back but will take her a long time to trust him again. She won’t even move straight back into his house let alone sleep with him. So, I’m obviously hoping it won’t work out, he has even said it could be over in a small amount of time and then at least he can prove to everyone he’s tried. I’m torn apart knowing I shouldn’t be still seeing him not knowing the future and can’t tell anyone as I know they’ll tell me I’m mad. I’m even wondering if him telling me he’ll still see me is false hope thinking that I may give up. But what am I to do when he is the love of my life. It’s my birthday soon and I desperately want to see him but as she knows when the date is he probably won’t be able to get away without her getting suspicious. I really am in despair but can’t face not having him in my life……

]]> By: judy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-260613 judy Sun, 09 May 2010 11:39:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-260613 Hmmm in all the comments here non of the other women seems to have much feeling for the wives of these men. My husband is back with me after a yr affair with "a Friend" of ours. Her husband had an affair, she had a nervous breakdown, we moved into the village, our children became friends. Three mionths after we met she asked my husband to sleep with er. Our marriage was hard at that time,. My parents were both dying, we had massive financial peroblems. She came for him with a vengeance. I trusted her. Why would she have wanted to cause me the pain that she had just felt. a pain so great that she had a nervous breakdown. Why would she want my child to suffer in the way her children had. This is what I cannot understand. all the time when she was confiding in me about the pain her husband had caused her, she was making moves to get my husband. When all the lieds and deception fell away and I asked her why, she said that she had wanted my husband from the first day she met him. that she loved the way our family was and the way we communicated together. So why would she want to destroy this. As my mum, before she died told me, if a woman opens her legs often enough a man will go in. Most of these posts seem to blame the men. Why don't the women take some responsibility for the pain they have caused. Don't women have a hard enough position in the world as it is without having to cope withe these unsisterly acts? My marriage survived. Many don't leaving people in dire financial problems with damaged children. Most of the time when the man does leave his wife for the other woman, once the reality of day to day life, finances, monogamy, children, housework ect ect are having to be dealt with, the 'wonderful 'in loveness' fades away. According to statistics 80% of men who marry their lover wish they had stayed with their wives. My advice to the 'other women' is. Grow up - take responsibility - be sisterly. If a man is with someone else he is not free to be with you. Keep yr legs closed and find someone who is available. Affairs cause unbelievable pain for everyone involved. Hmmm in all the comments here non of the other women seems to have much feeling for the wives of these men. My husband is back with me after a yr affair with “a Friend” of ours.

Her husband had an affair, she had a nervous breakdown, we moved into the village, our children became friends. Three mionths after we met she asked my husband to sleep with er.

Our marriage was hard at that time,. My parents were both dying, we had massive financial peroblems. She came for him with a vengeance. I trusted her.

Why would she have wanted to cause me the pain that she had just felt. a pain so great that she had a nervous breakdown. Why would she want my child to suffer in the way her children had. This is what I cannot understand.

all the time when she was confiding in me about the pain her husband had caused her, she was making moves to get my husband.

When all the lieds and deception fell away and I asked her why, she said that she had wanted my husband from the first day she met him. that she loved the way our family was and the way we communicated together. So why would she want to destroy this.

As my mum, before she died told me, if a woman opens her legs often enough a man will go in.

Most of these posts seem to blame the men.

Why don’t the women take some responsibility for the pain they have caused.

Don’t women have a hard enough position in the world as it is without having to cope withe these unsisterly acts?

My marriage survived. Many don’t leaving people in dire financial problems with damaged children.

Most of the time when the man does leave his wife for the other woman, once the reality of day to day life, finances, monogamy, children, housework ect ect are having to be dealt with, the ‘wonderful ‘in loveness’ fades away.

According to statistics 80% of men who marry their lover wish they had stayed with their wives.

My advice to the ‘other women’ is. Grow up – take responsibility – be sisterly. If a man is with someone else he is not free to be with you. Keep yr legs closed and find someone who is available. Affairs cause unbelievable pain for everyone involved.

]]> By: Petra Falk http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-225157 Petra Falk Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:05:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-225157 Well, if you are involved with a married man there is good news and bad news. Let's look at the bad news first: That probably wasn't the brightest idea you ever had, and chances are that it will end in tears. Most probably yours. The good news is - you are not alone. When you work out that well over 50% of all married men admit to having had at least one affair, and when you remember that for each and every one of those unfaithful men there is a woman who is or was involved with him, we suddenly have a hell of a lot of "Other Women" out there. I have written a book about being The Other Woman - called (original, I know ;.) - "Being The Other Woman." It is available on Amazon and was written because however controversial the subject may be, every woman who needs support deserves it. And women in a relationship with a married man who isn't there husband have access to very little support past the "Don't do it" platitudes. Now that's not particularly helpful once you are already IN that situation, is it!? Well, if you are involved with a married man there is good news and bad news. Let’s look at the bad news first: That probably wasn’t the brightest idea you ever had, and chances are that it will end in tears. Most probably yours.

The good news is – you are not alone. When you work out that well over 50% of all married men admit to having had at least one affair, and when you remember that for each and every one of those unfaithful men there is a woman who is or was involved with him, we suddenly have a hell of a lot of “Other Women” out there.

I have written a book about being The Other Woman – called (original, I know ;.) – “Being The Other Woman.” It is available on Amazon and was written because however controversial the subject may be, every woman who needs support deserves it. And women in a relationship with a married man who isn’t there husband have access to very little support past the “Don’t do it” platitudes. Now that’s not particularly helpful once you are already IN that situation, is it!?

]]> By: optimist http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-217029 optimist Sat, 14 Feb 2009 06:54:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-217029 Hi everyone, I am 20 years old and have been the other woman for about 8 months now. He will never leave his wife or children, and so help me I dont want him to! I know his family well and truly DO respect them..even though I know what I am doing is deeply direspectful in the conventions of our society. Before I met him, my mother had died of a long battle with cancer and I myself was just getting out of a long fight against anorexia. So to the wive out there-believe me, NO ONE has it easy. Not even the other woman. He helped me through a very difficult time in my life, and I do believe that fate brought thi particular person to me for reasons even further beyond the ones I lalready do understand. Yes, it is hard, it hurts sometimes a lot, but no one can judge right or wrong and EVERYONE has done something they may not want to tell their grandmother about. The point is, that all of us are jut human; the wife, the man, the other woman and none of us can expect a fairy tale marriage or romance. This is life, people lie, and love eachother and hurt eachother and somehow we all get through it. I can only hope that eventually I can let him go and move on with my life, find a man my own age who will be the father of my children and a loving husband. And if he ever cheats on me, we'll get through it together and I will understand that marriage doesnt mean you can never fall in love again. Then, i think I'll invite the other woman out for a cup of coffee and tell her about my flaming affair when I was 20 years old. :) p.s. thank you to the wife of my married man, for helping him become the man that saved my life. Hi everyone,
I am 20 years old and have been the other woman for about 8 months now. He will never leave his wife or children, and so help me I dont want him to! I know his family well and truly DO respect them..even though I know what I am doing is deeply direspectful in the conventions of our society.
Before I met him, my mother had died of a long battle with cancer and I myself was just getting out of a long fight against anorexia. So to the wive out there-believe me, NO ONE has it easy. Not even the other woman. He helped me through a very difficult time in my life, and I do believe that fate brought thi particular person to me for reasons even further beyond the ones I lalready do understand.
Yes, it is hard, it hurts sometimes a lot, but no one can judge right or wrong and EVERYONE has done something they may not want to tell their grandmother about. The point is, that all of us are jut human; the wife, the man, the other woman and none of us can expect a fairy tale marriage or romance. This is life, people lie, and love eachother and hurt eachother and somehow we all get through it. I can only hope that eventually I can let him go and move on with my life, find a man my own age who will be the father of my children and a loving husband. And if he ever cheats on me, we’ll get through it together and I will understand that marriage doesnt mean you can never fall in love again.
Then, i think I’ll invite the other woman out for a cup of coffee and tell her about my flaming affair when I was 20 years old. :)
p.s. thank you to the wife of my married man, for helping him become the man that saved my life.

]]> By: Goldie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-205145 Goldie Mon, 01 Dec 2008 19:01:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-205145 It's almost nice and comforting to read of other people in the same situation as me, it makes me feel almost not as lonely and that there's at least a few people out there who understand what Im going through. Iv been the OW for oooo maybe 3 months now? We met at work (just to make the situation more difficult) and at the time I had a bf but I knew I wasn't happy anymore in that relationship. Unfortunatly in work everyone noticed the spark between me and the other, it was there from the instant he joined my office, however I tried to ignore it. One day we had a serious talk about it and he told me to kiss him to see if that was it - maybe thered be nothing, that it would just be too weird. It wasnt. In fact it was perfect. And I still cant believe I actually kissed him then, I dont know why he did it and he keeps telling me he hasnt a clue why he asked. Anyway, I only last a week between my bf and this guy and split with my bf. However this guy was with his girl of a lot of years and they live together. He saved up a bit of money and three weeks into our relationship his gf was sick. She was seven weeks pregnant. He was going to leave her for me, but now what? Not only was he about to be a father but they also had a house and mortgage. So since then we've been all over the place emotionally. I know we should be together but he's only ever been with her. He said he loves us both differently, she's safe, I'm new. I know what he means. The bf I left was safe. He's tried to leave me twice, straight away when we knew his gf was pregnant we ended it. That lasted two days. Then again a few weeks later. Lasted ten minutes. Then I've tried to end it twice because I'm wrecked emotionally and we just can't end it. So we don't know what to do. It's killing us, it's now so close to christmas and they're 10 year anniversary, I fear he'll never leave her, I've told him as much. There's always going to be some date keeping him there, he doesnt want to hurt her, shes done nothing wrong, but I don't know. I think the only way he'll ever know whether he wants me or her is if I disappear for a few days but of course we work together so thats difficult. It's killing me inside so bad. Everytime I hear a car outside I'm hopin its him, finally here, or when the door knocks that it'll be him. Of course I still live at home so should he come to me we know we have more difficulties to get over, we've discussed them all. I'm actually terrified if he does leave her, I mean, what the hell do we then? We'll probably be in trouble at work never mind with his family. But I think I'm more terrified of not spending my life with him. I'm only 20, hes 25. A lot of weight for a young-uns shoulders. I never envisiged myself in such a situation where I love a guy so much, want to be with him so much and yet cant do a damn thing about it. What hurt the most was being at a funeral alone today and wanting him by my side. I told him before if Im ever hurt, physically or emotionally what really hurts is he cant be there, that I'm truely alone. I do think I've lost him, that our chance of happiness went the moment she found out she was pregnant. We should have ended it then, but I dont know, maybe Ive been suckered in to believing his and her relationship is over and he'll be with me. I know that by january though Im going to have to give him the ultimatum, me or her. And I'm going to feel awful for doing so, for goodness sake shes pregnant. I should be a million miles away. Hating being TOW. It’s almost nice and comforting to read of other people in the same situation as me, it makes me feel almost not as lonely and that there’s at least a few people out there who understand what Im going through. Iv been the OW for oooo maybe 3 months now? We met at work (just to make the situation more difficult) and at the time I had a bf but I knew I wasn’t happy anymore in that relationship. Unfortunatly in work everyone noticed the spark between me and the other, it was there from the instant he joined my office, however I tried to ignore it. One day we had a serious talk about it and he told me to kiss him to see if that was it – maybe thered be nothing, that it would just be too weird. It wasnt. In fact it was perfect. And I still cant believe I actually kissed him then, I dont know why he did it and he keeps telling me he hasnt a clue why he asked. Anyway, I only last a week between my bf and this guy and split with my bf. However this guy was with his girl of a lot of years and they live together.
He saved up a bit of money and three weeks into our relationship his gf was sick. She was seven weeks pregnant. He was going to leave her for me, but now what? Not only was he about to be a father but they also had a house and mortgage. So since then we’ve been all over the place emotionally. I know we should be together but he’s only ever been with her. He said he loves us both differently, she’s safe, I’m new. I know what he means. The bf I left was safe. He’s tried to leave me twice, straight away when we knew his gf was pregnant we ended it. That lasted two days. Then again a few weeks later. Lasted ten minutes. Then I’ve tried to end it twice because I’m wrecked emotionally and we just can’t end it. So we don’t know what to do. It’s killing us, it’s now so close to christmas and they’re 10 year anniversary, I fear he’ll never leave her, I’ve told him as much. There’s always going to be some date keeping him there, he doesnt want to hurt her, shes done nothing wrong, but I don’t know. I think the only way he’ll ever know whether he wants me or her is if I disappear for a few days but of course we work together so thats difficult. It’s killing me inside so bad. Everytime I hear a car outside I’m hopin its him, finally here, or when the door knocks that it’ll be him. Of course I still live at home so should he come to me we know we have more difficulties to get over, we’ve discussed them all.

I’m actually terrified if he does leave her, I mean, what the hell do we then? We’ll probably be in trouble at work never mind with his family. But I think I’m more terrified of not spending my life with him. I’m only 20, hes 25. A lot of weight for a young-uns shoulders. I never envisiged myself in such a situation where I love a guy so much, want to be with him so much and yet cant do a damn thing about it. What hurt the most was being at a funeral alone today and wanting him by my side. I told him before if Im ever hurt, physically or emotionally what really hurts is he cant be there, that I’m truely alone. I do think I’ve lost him, that our chance of happiness went the moment she found out she was pregnant. We should have ended it then, but I dont know, maybe Ive been suckered in to believing his and her relationship is over and he’ll be with me. I know that by january though Im going to have to give him the ultimatum, me or her. And I’m going to feel awful for doing so, for goodness sake shes pregnant. I should be a million miles away. Hating being TOW.

]]> By: Cynnie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-181103 Cynnie Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:37:36 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-181103 Hi Ladies Eleven years ago I was involved with an attached man. We got along brilliantly, had deep and meaningful conversations and the intimacy was out of this world. In the begining I was fine with it as I was convinced that I could handle it. With each passing day I loved him more and of course, wanted more. He gave me as much as he could, but I was ALWAYS second. If he had plans with me and she wanted to go visit friends, I was the one who was disappointed, not her. We spoke about him being with me and he told me that he couldn't bear to hurt her, especially as she has done nothing wrong. They also had a small child together and he did not want to leave his son. After 8 months, I called it quits. He chose her while I chose ME. It is not easy being the OW. You can't share your "happiness" with others for fear of being found out and you can vent your frustrations without the pitying looks and stern reprimands. The feelings are intense and it seems as if no ones understand how you feel. I know that many of you ladies will not want to hear this, but get out now. (Re) Read NML's posts on the subject and apply the NCR. Don't waste any more time with these men who can't/won't offer you the basis of a relationship. BTW, my former attached guy married the same woman. Bail out now! Hi Ladies

Eleven years ago I was involved with an attached man. We got along brilliantly, had deep and meaningful conversations and the intimacy was out of this world. In the begining I was fine with it as I was convinced that I could handle it. With each passing day I loved him more and of course, wanted more.

He gave me as much as he could, but I was ALWAYS second. If he had plans with me and she wanted to go visit friends, I was the one who was disappointed, not her. We spoke about him being with me and he told me that he couldn’t bear to hurt her, especially as she has done nothing wrong. They also had a small child together and he did not want to leave his son.

After 8 months, I called it quits. He chose her while I chose ME. It is not easy being the OW. You can’t share your “happiness” with others for fear of being found out and you can vent your frustrations without the pitying looks and stern reprimands. The feelings are intense and it seems as if no ones understand how you feel.

I know that many of you ladies will not want to hear this, but get out now. (Re) Read NML’s posts on the subject and apply the NCR. Don’t waste any more time with these men who can’t/won’t offer you the basis of a relationship.

BTW, my former attached guy married the same woman. Bail out now!

]]> By: Finally Seen The Light http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-181089 Finally Seen The Light Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:05:04 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-181089 Dear CuriousJ - I think the answer is BECAUSE HE CAN...you let him and his ego gets stroked...his wife hasn't confronted him, probably turns her cheek and stays in denial so she doesn't have to do anything about it.... I've been there and it was a very painful experience. Only my MM told me he loved me and was going to leave his wife...I stayed on and off for 4 years and PS he's still with her. I've been unemotionally involved with another MM for many years...no emotions, just sex, but he never promised anything and it's just friendship and sex. I think it just became routine and when I wasn't in a relationship, I just enjoyed the attention. What I'm realizing is this liaison is also not good for me and my self-esteem...and because he was persistent, I gave in. It's about learning to stand up for yourself and knowing that crumbs are not enough for me! I want the whole cookie, not a few chips and crumbs... Dear CuriousJ – I think the answer is BECAUSE HE CAN…you let him and his ego gets stroked…his wife hasn’t confronted him, probably turns her cheek and stays in denial so she doesn’t have to do anything about it…. I’ve been there and it was a very painful experience. Only my MM told me he loved me and was going to leave his wife…I stayed on and off for 4 years and PS he’s still with her. I’ve been unemotionally involved with another MM for many years…no emotions, just sex, but he never promised anything and it’s just friendship and sex. I think it just became routine and when I wasn’t in a relationship, I just enjoyed the attention. What I’m realizing is this liaison is also not good for me and my self-esteem…and because he was persistent, I gave in.

It’s about learning to stand up for yourself and knowing that crumbs are not enough for me! I want the whole cookie, not a few chips and crumbs…

]]> By: curiousJ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-181054 curiousJ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:12:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-181054 I read most of the comments on here. I see many of the stories have the same tag line... the man tells the other woman that he is unhappy, going to leave, or never mention that he is married. I guess my question is, what if he's honest from the beginning? My situation... I knew the guy was married, he told me he loves his wife, is happily married... we sleep together randomly, not every time we get together, but we do fool around everytime we get together. I guess I am most curious as to why I don't care that he is happily married, and I hope he never leaves his wife, I hope he knows I would never be in a relationship with him, I don't trust him. Maybe I am not making my main question clear... Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife with me for the past 3 1/2 years? I read most of the comments on here. I see many of the stories have the same tag line… the man tells the other woman that he is unhappy, going to leave, or never mention that he is married. I guess my question is, what if he’s honest from the beginning? My situation… I knew the guy was married, he told me he loves his wife, is happily married… we sleep together randomly, not every time we get together, but we do fool around everytime we get together. I guess I am most curious as to why I don’t care that he is happily married, and I hope he never leaves his wife, I hope he knows I would never be in a relationship with him, I don’t trust him. Maybe I am not making my main question clear… Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife with me for the past 3 1/2 years?

]]> By: Broken hearted http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-176998 Broken hearted Sun, 03 Aug 2008 20:08:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-176998 I don't know what to classify myself as anymore because my life has taken so many turns being involved with this man. I have read the comments from the other women and wives and I have felt the same on both ends. Being the other women was everything that I wanted at one point in time because he was everything that I could ask for in a man. I never felt like the other woman because his married life never clashed with my life. After we hooked up after a month, he moved in with me and left his wife. It wasn't anything official, he just got mad one night and came to stay with me. Over the next months I was in love and thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We had a situation that caused him to move out, but within a month, he came back. One day he had gotten sick and had visited the hospital, his family ofcourse came a took him home. From that day he has not been with me since. Over the course of the year we spent nights together, went places, even hooked up when he left his home. In my mind, one day he and I would be together. From my nights with him, I now have a child by him and we are as distant as we have ever been. In the back of my mind I thought that I was everything that his wife wasn't, well come to find out... I was so much less. Yes it is convient, if you want nothing more. If you think that you have found love, you may have, but he made a choice to get married, and he did not marry you. This man's wife puts up with everything that i did not have to deal with. She is pretty, smart, successful, and raises children of his that are not hers. Women of the world who are the other woman, there is a man out there for you,just like him " minus the selfish, cheating spirit". Do I love man? yes Do I miss him? yes Did I have fun? Yes, but I had to realize something. I could not win... She had already won. He was not mine in the beginning. I learned that there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, fun, trips, etc.... it was what they shared. I don’t know what to classify myself as anymore because my life has taken so many turns being involved with this man. I have read the comments from the other women and wives and I have felt the same on both ends. Being the other women was everything that I wanted at one point in time because he was everything that I could ask for in a man. I never felt like the other woman because his married life never clashed with my life. After we hooked up after a month, he moved in with me and left his wife. It wasn’t anything official, he just got mad one night and came to stay with me. Over the next months I was in love and thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We had a situation that caused him to move out, but within a month, he came back. One day he had gotten sick and had visited the hospital, his family ofcourse came a took him home. From that day he has not been with me since. Over the course of the year we spent nights together, went places, even hooked up when he left his home. In my mind, one day he and I would be together. From my nights with him, I now have a child by him and we are as distant as we have ever been. In the back of my mind I thought that I was everything that his wife wasn’t, well come to find out… I was so much less. Yes it is convient, if you want nothing more. If you think that you have found love, you may have, but he made a choice to get married, and he did not marry you. This man’s wife puts up with everything that i did not have to deal with. She is pretty, smart, successful, and raises children of his that are not hers. Women of the world who are the other woman, there is a man out there for you,just like him ” minus the selfish, cheating spirit”. Do I love man? yes Do I miss him? yes Did I have fun? Yes, but I had to realize something. I could not win… She had already won. He was not mine in the beginning. I learned that there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, fun, trips, etc…. it was what they shared.

]]> By: how to deal with being the other woman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-175980 how to deal with being the other woman Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:14:18 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-175980 [...] [...] [...] [...]

]]> By: lady kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-175886 lady kay Fri, 01 Aug 2008 08:05:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-175886 I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have "fun" and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don't want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he's feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he's with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be "friends with benefits" how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense? I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have “fun” and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don’t want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he’s feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he’s with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be “friends with benefits” how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense?

]]> By: lady kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-175883 lady kay Fri, 01 Aug 2008 08:02:48 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-175883 I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have "fun" and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don't want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he's feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he's with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be "friends with benefits" how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense. I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have “fun” and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don’t want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he’s feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he’s with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be “friends with benefits” how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense.

]]> By: Humminbird http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-171410 Humminbird Fri, 18 Jul 2008 01:55:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-171410 Ok....so now i feel really stupid. i wrote on here nearly a yr ago, trying to find some justification for my situation, or some kind of answers. almost looking for a excuse for his actions. So telling my situation made me feel better about myself cos i always feel so shit. So now its been a year and a bit......an how is my life....ladies the bloody same. i should be ashamed to write this but its the only truth i seem to get. but all i know is no matter how many times people tell me this is wrong or this situation is bad for me the less i listen. we all know right and wrong, and we all know how we want to be treated, but no one can ever really know unless they are in your shoes. My situation, he is still with his girlfriend, he still does not live with her or have any kids. we have been together for over a year. i know if her was going to leave her he would have by now. so why am i still in this? i wonder if its because i cant have a normal relationship and need the drama to keep it all alive and sexy?? since last year i have broken it off twice, both times mine decision and he has wooed me back. i dont feel sorry for myself anymore, initially i was the other woman, and she was the girlfriend he was bored of. then i was on even playing ground and it was a choice between us. then as summer started we saw each other more and more and shared lives that SHE became the other woman. now im becoming the good friend who has sex, and emotional supports him. No one deserves to be the other woman, but it also felt really shitty having someone else be the other woman. i think if we ever were together thats how it would feel like all the time. I now know that whatever happens this relationship is doomed. I would never feel confident that he was not cheating, and it would always be tainted. Bottom line is he is not for me or the one. With him i will never evolve to feel like i deserve love but always feel just grateful. i would never feel sexy and confident like i used to. i will always have to be grateful that HE chose me..... Ok….so now i feel really stupid. i wrote on here nearly a yr ago, trying to find some justification for my situation, or some kind of answers. almost looking for a excuse for his actions. So telling my situation made me feel better about myself cos i always feel so shit. So now its been a year and a bit……an how is my life….ladies the bloody same. i should be ashamed to write this but its the only truth i seem to get. but all i know is no matter how many times people tell me this is wrong or this situation is bad for me the less i listen. we all know right and wrong, and we all know how we want to be treated, but no one can ever really know unless they are in your shoes. My situation, he is still with his girlfriend, he still does not live with her or have any kids. we have been together for over a year. i know if her was going to leave her he would have by now. so why am i still in this? i wonder if its because i cant have a normal relationship and need the drama to keep it all alive and sexy?? since last year i have broken it off twice, both times mine decision and he has wooed me back. i dont feel sorry for myself anymore, initially i was the other woman, and she was the girlfriend he was bored of. then i was on even playing ground and it was a choice between us. then as summer started we saw each other more and more and shared lives that SHE became the other woman. now im becoming the good friend who has sex, and emotional supports him. No one deserves to be the other woman, but it also felt really shitty having someone else be the other woman. i think if we ever were together thats how it would feel like all the time. I now know that whatever happens this relationship is doomed. I would never feel confident that he was not cheating, and it would always be tainted. Bottom line is he is not for me or the one. With him i will never evolve to feel like i deserve love but always feel just grateful. i would never feel sexy and confident like i used to. i will always have to be grateful that HE chose me…..

]]> By: fruitfull1 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-171244 fruitfull1 Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:52:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-171244 I have thought about MY REASONS for forgiving him....I left out the fact that he not only confessed AFTER he got caught but he confessed to my mother...(mind you I am my mothers ONLY surviving child...she lost my 2 brothers in 96 so she is VERY protective of me) I bring that up because my mom is a NO NONSENSE kind of woman and very strong (rough around the edges...grew up in a rough neighborhood / family in Brooklyn NY and still live in the ghetto in DC) and will not hesitate to cut, shoot or kill anyone for hurting her only baby girl and last surviving child...(losing 2 children can send a mother into a crazed state of mind.....so for that reason I decided to forgive him for confessing his wrongs to my mom and then confessing to me. Honestly he could have lied and tried to hide it some more but he didn't on that particular incident because that was the only thing he'd done wrong to me up to that point. Telling my mom was a BOLD move. Hell I didn't even tell my mom what was going on....I was scared to death of what she might do. My focus is not on his ex. She doesn't deserve that kind of time. I don't have it. But you mentioned that the man tells the other women lies and such BUT shouldn't women take responsibility for their part of even getting involved with an unavailable man in the first place (for THOSE THAT KNOW the man is unavailable and still pursue him)? I mean why even go there? (please don't take me the wrong way...as I am just asking and not trying to come off as offensive....I mean no disrespect or harm). These are just 2 incidents accompanied with his communication with her...which I haven't seen or heard any thing of it since last year. So I can't really say he is or isn't talking to her still. other than this thing with her I have to say the relationship is great besides this stuff. In some weird way I do KNOW he loves me....I'm assuming he's just not ready to be sexually tied down to one woman yet. I don't think he has feelings for his ex at all in that way. To hear them both tell me about when they were together over 10 years ago, they were just awful to eachother...they cheated on eachother, they got drunk and fought with eachother, she treated him like crap and talked down to him infront of her friends, she took his shoes and put them in the oven and turned it on broil, she cursed him out for watching movies while he was visiting her on vacation and she was at work. their relationship was a mess. (she told me this stuff herself and she did admit to going through the beginning and middle stages of schitzophrenia...she said she inherited it from her mother who died from the disorder...intentional overdose) . He says he doesn't love her but I think SHE loves him....ONLY because he's with me. If he was single she would care less about him and what he does. When they had a breif period of being off and on....they rarely talked at all UNTIL I came into the picture. Even his parents told me that. They have nothing to lie about when it comes down to her....(They don't like her, they said she's crazy as well). She lives 48 states away....cross the country! I have thought about MY REASONS for forgiving him….I left out the fact that he not only confessed AFTER he got caught but he confessed to my mother…(mind you I am my mothers ONLY surviving child…she lost my 2 brothers in 96 so she is VERY protective of me) I bring that up because my mom is a NO NONSENSE kind of woman and very strong (rough around the edges…grew up in a rough neighborhood / family in Brooklyn NY and still live in the ghetto in DC) and will not hesitate to cut, shoot or kill anyone for hurting her only baby girl and last surviving child…(losing 2 children can send a mother into a crazed state of mind…..so for that reason I decided to forgive him for confessing his wrongs to my mom and then confessing to me. Honestly he could have lied and tried to hide it some more but he didn’t on that particular incident because that was the only thing he’d done wrong to me up to that point. Telling my mom was a BOLD move. Hell I didn’t even tell my mom what was going on….I was scared to death of what she might do.

My focus is not on his ex. She doesn’t deserve that kind of time. I don’t have it. But you mentioned that the man tells the other women lies and such BUT shouldn’t women take responsibility for their part of even getting involved with an unavailable man in the first place (for THOSE THAT KNOW the man is unavailable and still pursue him)? I mean why even go there? (please don’t take me the wrong way…as I am just asking and not trying to come off as offensive….I mean no disrespect or harm).

These are just 2 incidents accompanied with his communication with her…which I haven’t seen or heard any thing of it since last year. So I can’t really say he is or isn’t talking to her still. other than this thing with her I have to say the relationship is great besides this stuff. In some weird way I do KNOW he loves me….I’m assuming he’s just not ready to be sexually tied down to one woman yet. I don’t think he has feelings for his ex at all in that way. To hear them both tell me about when they were together over 10 years ago, they were just awful to eachother…they cheated on eachother, they got drunk and fought with eachother, she treated him like crap and talked down to him infront of her friends, she took his shoes and put them in the oven and turned it on broil, she cursed him out for watching movies while he was visiting her on vacation and she was at work. their relationship was a mess. (she told me this stuff herself and she did admit to going through the beginning and middle stages of schitzophrenia…she said she inherited it from her mother who died from the disorder…intentional overdose) . He says he doesn’t love her but I think SHE loves him….ONLY because he’s with me. If he was single she would care less about him and what he does. When they had a breif period of being off and on….they rarely talked at all UNTIL I came into the picture. Even his parents told me that. They have nothing to lie about when it comes down to her….(They don’t like her, they said she’s crazy as well). She lives 48 states away….cross the country!

]]> By: Angel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-171015 Angel Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:17:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-171015 I am really sorry you are in this situation, especially with a newborn in the picture. Your boyfriend sounds like he has done some shockingly apalling things in his relationship with you and betrayed your trust many times. Some of the things you wrote about what he did made my skin crawl. You met this guy when you were young, which probably makes it that much more difficult for you to have a better perspective on what kind of guy he is. To answer one of you questions about being the other woman: "Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? " In my experience, the man likes to paint a picture to the other woman that his primary relationship with his wife or GF is not so great. They will say things like "My wife doesn't love me" "we don't sleep together" "our relationship is almost over", or that shes a bitch, etc , so it will make the other woman feel like she is not hurting the wife or GF, because it will seem like its the wife's or GF's fault that the man is seeking attention outside the relationship. So, that helps alleviate some of the guilt of being the other woman. But , when it comes down to it, no one is to blame for being the other woman except for the other woman. It is a foolish role for any woman to take on, and she usually winds up being made a fool of. But she gets sucked in by the "situation" the man presents to her, so ultimately it is the man who is the one at most fault with his bad intentions. Both the wife/GF and the other woman are being made a fool of by this man. He is capable of telling two sets of lies to two different people. You have no idea what he told this other woman about you, or has lead her to believe. You should take your focus off her, regardless of how persistant and seemingly crazy she is. He could have been telling her many lies about YOU and your relationship to keep her from letting go or giving her hope. You said yourself : "Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me" You should focus instead on why you chose to forgive a man who so blatantly disrespected you . You should focus on his behavior. He is the father of your child, but you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected by him. He sounds like he is a horrific liar, and you only found out about his lies by accident. He did not come and confess to you he was still seeing the other woman. You do not know that he will not do this to you again in the future, with someone else, even. His actions toward you don't sound very loving at all. He has demonstrated he is capable of major deceit and very hurtful behavior. Do you have family/friends you can talk to and confide in? Maybe a counselor? It helps to talk to someone who can be objective. To answer your question : "What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? " I can honestly say if those things that you went through happened to me in a relationship, I would not be there. If I were in a relationship with a man, and he took up with another woman like that, I would leave and never look back, regardless of whether I felt I loved him. I love myself more now. I am really sorry you are in this situation, especially with a newborn in the picture. Your boyfriend sounds like he has done some shockingly apalling things in his relationship with you and betrayed your trust many times. Some of the things you wrote about what he did made my skin crawl. You met this guy when you were young, which probably makes it that much more difficult for you to have a better perspective on what kind of guy he is.

To answer one of you questions about being the other woman:
“Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? ”

In my experience, the man likes to paint a picture to the other woman that his primary relationship with his wife or GF is not so great. They will say things like “My wife doesn’t love me” “we don’t sleep together” “our relationship is almost over”, or that shes a bitch, etc , so it will make the other woman feel like she is not hurting the wife or GF, because it will seem like its the wife’s or GF’s fault that the man is seeking attention outside the relationship. So, that helps alleviate some of the guilt of being the other woman.

But , when it comes down to it, no one is to blame for being the other woman except for the other woman. It is a foolish role for any woman to take on, and she usually winds up being made a fool of. But she gets sucked in by the “situation” the man presents to her, so ultimately it is the man who is the one at most fault with his bad intentions. Both the wife/GF and the other woman are being made a fool of by this man. He is capable of telling two sets of lies to two different people.

You have no idea what he told this other woman about you, or has lead her to believe. You should take your focus off her, regardless of how persistant and seemingly crazy she is. He could have been telling her many lies about YOU and your relationship to keep her from letting go or giving her hope. You said yourself : “Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me”

You should focus instead on why you chose to forgive a man who so blatantly disrespected you . You should focus on his behavior. He is the father of your child, but you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected by him. He sounds like he is a horrific liar, and you only found out about his lies by accident. He did not come and confess to you he was still seeing the other woman. You do not know that he will not do this to you again in the future, with someone else, even. His actions toward you don’t sound very loving at all. He has demonstrated he is capable of major deceit and very hurtful behavior. Do you have family/friends you can talk to and confide in? Maybe a counselor? It helps to talk to someone who can be objective.

To answer your question : “What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? ”

I can honestly say if those things that you went through happened to me in a relationship, I would not be there. If I were in a relationship with a man, and he took up with another woman like that, I would leave and never look back, regardless of whether I felt I loved him. I love myself more now.

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