Comments on: Challenging Your Role of Being The Other Woman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Thu, 18 Mar 2010 02:28:42 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Petra Falk http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-225157 Petra Falk Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:05:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-225157 Well, if you are involved with a married man there is good news and bad news. Let's look at the bad news first: That probably wasn't the brightest idea you ever had, and chances are that it will end in tears. Most probably yours. The good news is - you are not alone. When you work out that well over 50% of all married men admit to having had at least one affair, and when you remember that for each and every one of those unfaithful men there is a woman who is or was involved with him, we suddenly have a hell of a lot of "Other Women" out there. I have written a book about being The Other Woman - called (original, I know ;.) - "Being The Other Woman." It is available on Amazon and was written because however controversial the subject may be, every woman who needs support deserves it. And women in a relationship with a married man who isn't there husband have access to very little support past the "Don't do it" platitudes. Now that's not particularly helpful once you are already IN that situation, is it!? Well, if you are involved with a married man there is good news and bad news. Let’s look at the bad news first: That probably wasn’t the brightest idea you ever had, and chances are that it will end in tears. Most probably yours.

The good news is – you are not alone. When you work out that well over 50% of all married men admit to having had at least one affair, and when you remember that for each and every one of those unfaithful men there is a woman who is or was involved with him, we suddenly have a hell of a lot of “Other Women” out there.

I have written a book about being The Other Woman – called (original, I know ;.) – “Being The Other Woman.” It is available on Amazon and was written because however controversial the subject may be, every woman who needs support deserves it. And women in a relationship with a married man who isn’t there husband have access to very little support past the “Don’t do it” platitudes. Now that’s not particularly helpful once you are already IN that situation, is it!?

]]> By: optimist http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-217029 optimist Sat, 14 Feb 2009 06:54:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-217029 Hi everyone, I am 20 years old and have been the other woman for about 8 months now. He will never leave his wife or children, and so help me I dont want him to! I know his family well and truly DO respect them..even though I know what I am doing is deeply direspectful in the conventions of our society. Before I met him, my mother had died of a long battle with cancer and I myself was just getting out of a long fight against anorexia. So to the wive out there-believe me, NO ONE has it easy. Not even the other woman. He helped me through a very difficult time in my life, and I do believe that fate brought thi particular person to me for reasons even further beyond the ones I lalready do understand. Yes, it is hard, it hurts sometimes a lot, but no one can judge right or wrong and EVERYONE has done something they may not want to tell their grandmother about. The point is, that all of us are jut human; the wife, the man, the other woman and none of us can expect a fairy tale marriage or romance. This is life, people lie, and love eachother and hurt eachother and somehow we all get through it. I can only hope that eventually I can let him go and move on with my life, find a man my own age who will be the father of my children and a loving husband. And if he ever cheats on me, we'll get through it together and I will understand that marriage doesnt mean you can never fall in love again. Then, i think I'll invite the other woman out for a cup of coffee and tell her about my flaming affair when I was 20 years old. :) p.s. thank you to the wife of my married man, for helping him become the man that saved my life. Hi everyone,
I am 20 years old and have been the other woman for about 8 months now. He will never leave his wife or children, and so help me I dont want him to! I know his family well and truly DO respect them..even though I know what I am doing is deeply direspectful in the conventions of our society.
Before I met him, my mother had died of a long battle with cancer and I myself was just getting out of a long fight against anorexia. So to the wive out there-believe me, NO ONE has it easy. Not even the other woman. He helped me through a very difficult time in my life, and I do believe that fate brought thi particular person to me for reasons even further beyond the ones I lalready do understand.
Yes, it is hard, it hurts sometimes a lot, but no one can judge right or wrong and EVERYONE has done something they may not want to tell their grandmother about. The point is, that all of us are jut human; the wife, the man, the other woman and none of us can expect a fairy tale marriage or romance. This is life, people lie, and love eachother and hurt eachother and somehow we all get through it. I can only hope that eventually I can let him go and move on with my life, find a man my own age who will be the father of my children and a loving husband. And if he ever cheats on me, we’ll get through it together and I will understand that marriage doesnt mean you can never fall in love again.
Then, i think I’ll invite the other woman out for a cup of coffee and tell her about my flaming affair when I was 20 years old. :)
p.s. thank you to the wife of my married man, for helping him become the man that saved my life.

]]> By: Goldie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-205145 Goldie Mon, 01 Dec 2008 19:01:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-205145 It's almost nice and comforting to read of other people in the same situation as me, it makes me feel almost not as lonely and that there's at least a few people out there who understand what Im going through. Iv been the OW for oooo maybe 3 months now? We met at work (just to make the situation more difficult) and at the time I had a bf but I knew I wasn't happy anymore in that relationship. Unfortunatly in work everyone noticed the spark between me and the other, it was there from the instant he joined my office, however I tried to ignore it. One day we had a serious talk about it and he told me to kiss him to see if that was it - maybe thered be nothing, that it would just be too weird. It wasnt. In fact it was perfect. And I still cant believe I actually kissed him then, I dont know why he did it and he keeps telling me he hasnt a clue why he asked. Anyway, I only last a week between my bf and this guy and split with my bf. However this guy was with his girl of a lot of years and they live together. He saved up a bit of money and three weeks into our relationship his gf was sick. She was seven weeks pregnant. He was going to leave her for me, but now what? Not only was he about to be a father but they also had a house and mortgage. So since then we've been all over the place emotionally. I know we should be together but he's only ever been with her. He said he loves us both differently, she's safe, I'm new. I know what he means. The bf I left was safe. He's tried to leave me twice, straight away when we knew his gf was pregnant we ended it. That lasted two days. Then again a few weeks later. Lasted ten minutes. Then I've tried to end it twice because I'm wrecked emotionally and we just can't end it. So we don't know what to do. It's killing us, it's now so close to christmas and they're 10 year anniversary, I fear he'll never leave her, I've told him as much. There's always going to be some date keeping him there, he doesnt want to hurt her, shes done nothing wrong, but I don't know. I think the only way he'll ever know whether he wants me or her is if I disappear for a few days but of course we work together so thats difficult. It's killing me inside so bad. Everytime I hear a car outside I'm hopin its him, finally here, or when the door knocks that it'll be him. Of course I still live at home so should he come to me we know we have more difficulties to get over, we've discussed them all. I'm actually terrified if he does leave her, I mean, what the hell do we then? We'll probably be in trouble at work never mind with his family. But I think I'm more terrified of not spending my life with him. I'm only 20, hes 25. A lot of weight for a young-uns shoulders. I never envisiged myself in such a situation where I love a guy so much, want to be with him so much and yet cant do a damn thing about it. What hurt the most was being at a funeral alone today and wanting him by my side. I told him before if Im ever hurt, physically or emotionally what really hurts is he cant be there, that I'm truely alone. I do think I've lost him, that our chance of happiness went the moment she found out she was pregnant. We should have ended it then, but I dont know, maybe Ive been suckered in to believing his and her relationship is over and he'll be with me. I know that by january though Im going to have to give him the ultimatum, me or her. And I'm going to feel awful for doing so, for goodness sake shes pregnant. I should be a million miles away. Hating being TOW. It’s almost nice and comforting to read of other people in the same situation as me, it makes me feel almost not as lonely and that there’s at least a few people out there who understand what Im going through. Iv been the OW for oooo maybe 3 months now? We met at work (just to make the situation more difficult) and at the time I had a bf but I knew I wasn’t happy anymore in that relationship. Unfortunatly in work everyone noticed the spark between me and the other, it was there from the instant he joined my office, however I tried to ignore it. One day we had a serious talk about it and he told me to kiss him to see if that was it – maybe thered be nothing, that it would just be too weird. It wasnt. In fact it was perfect. And I still cant believe I actually kissed him then, I dont know why he did it and he keeps telling me he hasnt a clue why he asked. Anyway, I only last a week between my bf and this guy and split with my bf. However this guy was with his girl of a lot of years and they live together.
He saved up a bit of money and three weeks into our relationship his gf was sick. She was seven weeks pregnant. He was going to leave her for me, but now what? Not only was he about to be a father but they also had a house and mortgage. So since then we’ve been all over the place emotionally. I know we should be together but he’s only ever been with her. He said he loves us both differently, she’s safe, I’m new. I know what he means. The bf I left was safe. He’s tried to leave me twice, straight away when we knew his gf was pregnant we ended it. That lasted two days. Then again a few weeks later. Lasted ten minutes. Then I’ve tried to end it twice because I’m wrecked emotionally and we just can’t end it. So we don’t know what to do. It’s killing us, it’s now so close to christmas and they’re 10 year anniversary, I fear he’ll never leave her, I’ve told him as much. There’s always going to be some date keeping him there, he doesnt want to hurt her, shes done nothing wrong, but I don’t know. I think the only way he’ll ever know whether he wants me or her is if I disappear for a few days but of course we work together so thats difficult. It’s killing me inside so bad. Everytime I hear a car outside I’m hopin its him, finally here, or when the door knocks that it’ll be him. Of course I still live at home so should he come to me we know we have more difficulties to get over, we’ve discussed them all.

I’m actually terrified if he does leave her, I mean, what the hell do we then? We’ll probably be in trouble at work never mind with his family. But I think I’m more terrified of not spending my life with him. I’m only 20, hes 25. A lot of weight for a young-uns shoulders. I never envisiged myself in such a situation where I love a guy so much, want to be with him so much and yet cant do a damn thing about it. What hurt the most was being at a funeral alone today and wanting him by my side. I told him before if Im ever hurt, physically or emotionally what really hurts is he cant be there, that I’m truely alone. I do think I’ve lost him, that our chance of happiness went the moment she found out she was pregnant. We should have ended it then, but I dont know, maybe Ive been suckered in to believing his and her relationship is over and he’ll be with me. I know that by january though Im going to have to give him the ultimatum, me or her. And I’m going to feel awful for doing so, for goodness sake shes pregnant. I should be a million miles away. Hating being TOW.

]]> By: Cynnie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-181103 Cynnie Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:37:36 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-181103 Hi Ladies Eleven years ago I was involved with an attached man. We got along brilliantly, had deep and meaningful conversations and the intimacy was out of this world. In the begining I was fine with it as I was convinced that I could handle it. With each passing day I loved him more and of course, wanted more. He gave me as much as he could, but I was ALWAYS second. If he had plans with me and she wanted to go visit friends, I was the one who was disappointed, not her. We spoke about him being with me and he told me that he couldn't bear to hurt her, especially as she has done nothing wrong. They also had a small child together and he did not want to leave his son. After 8 months, I called it quits. He chose her while I chose ME. It is not easy being the OW. You can't share your "happiness" with others for fear of being found out and you can vent your frustrations without the pitying looks and stern reprimands. The feelings are intense and it seems as if no ones understand how you feel. I know that many of you ladies will not want to hear this, but get out now. (Re) Read NML's posts on the subject and apply the NCR. Don't waste any more time with these men who can't/won't offer you the basis of a relationship. BTW, my former attached guy married the same woman. Bail out now! Hi Ladies

Eleven years ago I was involved with an attached man. We got along brilliantly, had deep and meaningful conversations and the intimacy was out of this world. In the begining I was fine with it as I was convinced that I could handle it. With each passing day I loved him more and of course, wanted more.

He gave me as much as he could, but I was ALWAYS second. If he had plans with me and she wanted to go visit friends, I was the one who was disappointed, not her. We spoke about him being with me and he told me that he couldn’t bear to hurt her, especially as she has done nothing wrong. They also had a small child together and he did not want to leave his son.

After 8 months, I called it quits. He chose her while I chose ME. It is not easy being the OW. You can’t share your “happiness” with others for fear of being found out and you can vent your frustrations without the pitying looks and stern reprimands. The feelings are intense and it seems as if no ones understand how you feel.

I know that many of you ladies will not want to hear this, but get out now. (Re) Read NML’s posts on the subject and apply the NCR. Don’t waste any more time with these men who can’t/won’t offer you the basis of a relationship.

BTW, my former attached guy married the same woman. Bail out now!

]]> By: Finally Seen The Light http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-181089 Finally Seen The Light Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:05:04 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-181089 Dear CuriousJ - I think the answer is BECAUSE HE CAN...you let him and his ego gets stroked...his wife hasn't confronted him, probably turns her cheek and stays in denial so she doesn't have to do anything about it.... I've been there and it was a very painful experience. Only my MM told me he loved me and was going to leave his wife...I stayed on and off for 4 years and PS he's still with her. I've been unemotionally involved with another MM for many years...no emotions, just sex, but he never promised anything and it's just friendship and sex. I think it just became routine and when I wasn't in a relationship, I just enjoyed the attention. What I'm realizing is this liaison is also not good for me and my self-esteem...and because he was persistent, I gave in. It's about learning to stand up for yourself and knowing that crumbs are not enough for me! I want the whole cookie, not a few chips and crumbs... Dear CuriousJ – I think the answer is BECAUSE HE CAN…you let him and his ego gets stroked…his wife hasn’t confronted him, probably turns her cheek and stays in denial so she doesn’t have to do anything about it…. I’ve been there and it was a very painful experience. Only my MM told me he loved me and was going to leave his wife…I stayed on and off for 4 years and PS he’s still with her. I’ve been unemotionally involved with another MM for many years…no emotions, just sex, but he never promised anything and it’s just friendship and sex. I think it just became routine and when I wasn’t in a relationship, I just enjoyed the attention. What I’m realizing is this liaison is also not good for me and my self-esteem…and because he was persistent, I gave in.

It’s about learning to stand up for yourself and knowing that crumbs are not enough for me! I want the whole cookie, not a few chips and crumbs…

]]> By: curiousJ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-181054 curiousJ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:12:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-181054 I read most of the comments on here. I see many of the stories have the same tag line... the man tells the other woman that he is unhappy, going to leave, or never mention that he is married. I guess my question is, what if he's honest from the beginning? My situation... I knew the guy was married, he told me he loves his wife, is happily married... we sleep together randomly, not every time we get together, but we do fool around everytime we get together. I guess I am most curious as to why I don't care that he is happily married, and I hope he never leaves his wife, I hope he knows I would never be in a relationship with him, I don't trust him. Maybe I am not making my main question clear... Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife with me for the past 3 1/2 years? I read most of the comments on here. I see many of the stories have the same tag line… the man tells the other woman that he is unhappy, going to leave, or never mention that he is married. I guess my question is, what if he’s honest from the beginning? My situation… I knew the guy was married, he told me he loves his wife, is happily married… we sleep together randomly, not every time we get together, but we do fool around everytime we get together. I guess I am most curious as to why I don’t care that he is happily married, and I hope he never leaves his wife, I hope he knows I would never be in a relationship with him, I don’t trust him. Maybe I am not making my main question clear… Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife with me for the past 3 1/2 years?

]]> By: Broken hearted http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-176998 Broken hearted Sun, 03 Aug 2008 20:08:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-176998 I don't know what to classify myself as anymore because my life has taken so many turns being involved with this man. I have read the comments from the other women and wives and I have felt the same on both ends. Being the other women was everything that I wanted at one point in time because he was everything that I could ask for in a man. I never felt like the other woman because his married life never clashed with my life. After we hooked up after a month, he moved in with me and left his wife. It wasn't anything official, he just got mad one night and came to stay with me. Over the next months I was in love and thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We had a situation that caused him to move out, but within a month, he came back. One day he had gotten sick and had visited the hospital, his family ofcourse came a took him home. From that day he has not been with me since. Over the course of the year we spent nights together, went places, even hooked up when he left his home. In my mind, one day he and I would be together. From my nights with him, I now have a child by him and we are as distant as we have ever been. In the back of my mind I thought that I was everything that his wife wasn't, well come to find out... I was so much less. Yes it is convient, if you want nothing more. If you think that you have found love, you may have, but he made a choice to get married, and he did not marry you. This man's wife puts up with everything that i did not have to deal with. She is pretty, smart, successful, and raises children of his that are not hers. Women of the world who are the other woman, there is a man out there for you,just like him " minus the selfish, cheating spirit". Do I love man? yes Do I miss him? yes Did I have fun? Yes, but I had to realize something. I could not win... She had already won. He was not mine in the beginning. I learned that there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, fun, trips, etc.... it was what they shared. I don’t know what to classify myself as anymore because my life has taken so many turns being involved with this man. I have read the comments from the other women and wives and I have felt the same on both ends. Being the other women was everything that I wanted at one point in time because he was everything that I could ask for in a man. I never felt like the other woman because his married life never clashed with my life. After we hooked up after a month, he moved in with me and left his wife. It wasn’t anything official, he just got mad one night and came to stay with me. Over the next months I was in love and thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We had a situation that caused him to move out, but within a month, he came back. One day he had gotten sick and had visited the hospital, his family ofcourse came a took him home. From that day he has not been with me since. Over the course of the year we spent nights together, went places, even hooked up when he left his home. In my mind, one day he and I would be together. From my nights with him, I now have a child by him and we are as distant as we have ever been. In the back of my mind I thought that I was everything that his wife wasn’t, well come to find out… I was so much less. Yes it is convient, if you want nothing more. If you think that you have found love, you may have, but he made a choice to get married, and he did not marry you. This man’s wife puts up with everything that i did not have to deal with. She is pretty, smart, successful, and raises children of his that are not hers. Women of the world who are the other woman, there is a man out there for you,just like him ” minus the selfish, cheating spirit”. Do I love man? yes Do I miss him? yes Did I have fun? Yes, but I had to realize something. I could not win… She had already won. He was not mine in the beginning. I learned that there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, fun, trips, etc…. it was what they shared.

]]> By: how to deal with being the other woman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-175980 how to deal with being the other woman Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:14:18 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-175980 [...] [...] [...] [...]

]]> By: lady kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-175886 lady kay Fri, 01 Aug 2008 08:05:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-175886 I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have "fun" and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don't want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he's feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he's with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be "friends with benefits" how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense? I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have “fun” and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don’t want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he’s feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he’s with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be “friends with benefits” how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense?

]]> By: lady kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-175883 lady kay Fri, 01 Aug 2008 08:02:48 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-175883 I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have "fun" and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don't want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he's feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he's with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be "friends with benefits" how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense. I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have “fun” and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don’t want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he’s feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he’s with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be “friends with benefits” how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense.

]]> By: Humminbird http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-171410 Humminbird Fri, 18 Jul 2008 01:55:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-171410 Ok....so now i feel really stupid. i wrote on here nearly a yr ago, trying to find some justification for my situation, or some kind of answers. almost looking for a excuse for his actions. So telling my situation made me feel better about myself cos i always feel so shit. So now its been a year and a bit......an how is my life....ladies the bloody same. i should be ashamed to write this but its the only truth i seem to get. but all i know is no matter how many times people tell me this is wrong or this situation is bad for me the less i listen. we all know right and wrong, and we all know how we want to be treated, but no one can ever really know unless they are in your shoes. My situation, he is still with his girlfriend, he still does not live with her or have any kids. we have been together for over a year. i know if her was going to leave her he would have by now. so why am i still in this? i wonder if its because i cant have a normal relationship and need the drama to keep it all alive and sexy?? since last year i have broken it off twice, both times mine decision and he has wooed me back. i dont feel sorry for myself anymore, initially i was the other woman, and she was the girlfriend he was bored of. then i was on even playing ground and it was a choice between us. then as summer started we saw each other more and more and shared lives that SHE became the other woman. now im becoming the good friend who has sex, and emotional supports him. No one deserves to be the other woman, but it also felt really shitty having someone else be the other woman. i think if we ever were together thats how it would feel like all the time. I now know that whatever happens this relationship is doomed. I would never feel confident that he was not cheating, and it would always be tainted. Bottom line is he is not for me or the one. With him i will never evolve to feel like i deserve love but always feel just grateful. i would never feel sexy and confident like i used to. i will always have to be grateful that HE chose me..... Ok….so now i feel really stupid. i wrote on here nearly a yr ago, trying to find some justification for my situation, or some kind of answers. almost looking for a excuse for his actions. So telling my situation made me feel better about myself cos i always feel so shit. So now its been a year and a bit……an how is my life….ladies the bloody same. i should be ashamed to write this but its the only truth i seem to get. but all i know is no matter how many times people tell me this is wrong or this situation is bad for me the less i listen. we all know right and wrong, and we all know how we want to be treated, but no one can ever really know unless they are in your shoes. My situation, he is still with his girlfriend, he still does not live with her or have any kids. we have been together for over a year. i know if her was going to leave her he would have by now. so why am i still in this? i wonder if its because i cant have a normal relationship and need the drama to keep it all alive and sexy?? since last year i have broken it off twice, both times mine decision and he has wooed me back. i dont feel sorry for myself anymore, initially i was the other woman, and she was the girlfriend he was bored of. then i was on even playing ground and it was a choice between us. then as summer started we saw each other more and more and shared lives that SHE became the other woman. now im becoming the good friend who has sex, and emotional supports him. No one deserves to be the other woman, but it also felt really shitty having someone else be the other woman. i think if we ever were together thats how it would feel like all the time. I now know that whatever happens this relationship is doomed. I would never feel confident that he was not cheating, and it would always be tainted. Bottom line is he is not for me or the one. With him i will never evolve to feel like i deserve love but always feel just grateful. i would never feel sexy and confident like i used to. i will always have to be grateful that HE chose me…..

]]> By: fruitfull1 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-171244 fruitfull1 Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:52:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-171244 I have thought about MY REASONS for forgiving him....I left out the fact that he not only confessed AFTER he got caught but he confessed to my mother...(mind you I am my mothers ONLY surviving child...she lost my 2 brothers in 96 so she is VERY protective of me) I bring that up because my mom is a NO NONSENSE kind of woman and very strong (rough around the edges...grew up in a rough neighborhood / family in Brooklyn NY and still live in the ghetto in DC) and will not hesitate to cut, shoot or kill anyone for hurting her only baby girl and last surviving child...(losing 2 children can send a mother into a crazed state of mind.....so for that reason I decided to forgive him for confessing his wrongs to my mom and then confessing to me. Honestly he could have lied and tried to hide it some more but he didn't on that particular incident because that was the only thing he'd done wrong to me up to that point. Telling my mom was a BOLD move. Hell I didn't even tell my mom what was going on....I was scared to death of what she might do. My focus is not on his ex. She doesn't deserve that kind of time. I don't have it. But you mentioned that the man tells the other women lies and such BUT shouldn't women take responsibility for their part of even getting involved with an unavailable man in the first place (for THOSE THAT KNOW the man is unavailable and still pursue him)? I mean why even go there? (please don't take me the wrong way...as I am just asking and not trying to come off as offensive....I mean no disrespect or harm). These are just 2 incidents accompanied with his communication with her...which I haven't seen or heard any thing of it since last year. So I can't really say he is or isn't talking to her still. other than this thing with her I have to say the relationship is great besides this stuff. In some weird way I do KNOW he loves me....I'm assuming he's just not ready to be sexually tied down to one woman yet. I don't think he has feelings for his ex at all in that way. To hear them both tell me about when they were together over 10 years ago, they were just awful to eachother...they cheated on eachother, they got drunk and fought with eachother, she treated him like crap and talked down to him infront of her friends, she took his shoes and put them in the oven and turned it on broil, she cursed him out for watching movies while he was visiting her on vacation and she was at work. their relationship was a mess. (she told me this stuff herself and she did admit to going through the beginning and middle stages of schitzophrenia...she said she inherited it from her mother who died from the disorder...intentional overdose) . He says he doesn't love her but I think SHE loves him....ONLY because he's with me. If he was single she would care less about him and what he does. When they had a breif period of being off and on....they rarely talked at all UNTIL I came into the picture. Even his parents told me that. They have nothing to lie about when it comes down to her....(They don't like her, they said she's crazy as well). She lives 48 states away....cross the country! I have thought about MY REASONS for forgiving him….I left out the fact that he not only confessed AFTER he got caught but he confessed to my mother…(mind you I am my mothers ONLY surviving child…she lost my 2 brothers in 96 so she is VERY protective of me) I bring that up because my mom is a NO NONSENSE kind of woman and very strong (rough around the edges…grew up in a rough neighborhood / family in Brooklyn NY and still live in the ghetto in DC) and will not hesitate to cut, shoot or kill anyone for hurting her only baby girl and last surviving child…(losing 2 children can send a mother into a crazed state of mind…..so for that reason I decided to forgive him for confessing his wrongs to my mom and then confessing to me. Honestly he could have lied and tried to hide it some more but he didn’t on that particular incident because that was the only thing he’d done wrong to me up to that point. Telling my mom was a BOLD move. Hell I didn’t even tell my mom what was going on….I was scared to death of what she might do.

My focus is not on his ex. She doesn’t deserve that kind of time. I don’t have it. But you mentioned that the man tells the other women lies and such BUT shouldn’t women take responsibility for their part of even getting involved with an unavailable man in the first place (for THOSE THAT KNOW the man is unavailable and still pursue him)? I mean why even go there? (please don’t take me the wrong way…as I am just asking and not trying to come off as offensive….I mean no disrespect or harm).

These are just 2 incidents accompanied with his communication with her…which I haven’t seen or heard any thing of it since last year. So I can’t really say he is or isn’t talking to her still. other than this thing with her I have to say the relationship is great besides this stuff. In some weird way I do KNOW he loves me….I’m assuming he’s just not ready to be sexually tied down to one woman yet. I don’t think he has feelings for his ex at all in that way. To hear them both tell me about when they were together over 10 years ago, they were just awful to eachother…they cheated on eachother, they got drunk and fought with eachother, she treated him like crap and talked down to him infront of her friends, she took his shoes and put them in the oven and turned it on broil, she cursed him out for watching movies while he was visiting her on vacation and she was at work. their relationship was a mess. (she told me this stuff herself and she did admit to going through the beginning and middle stages of schitzophrenia…she said she inherited it from her mother who died from the disorder…intentional overdose) . He says he doesn’t love her but I think SHE loves him….ONLY because he’s with me. If he was single she would care less about him and what he does. When they had a breif period of being off and on….they rarely talked at all UNTIL I came into the picture. Even his parents told me that. They have nothing to lie about when it comes down to her….(They don’t like her, they said she’s crazy as well). She lives 48 states away….cross the country!

]]> By: Angel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-171015 Angel Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:17:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-171015 I am really sorry you are in this situation, especially with a newborn in the picture. Your boyfriend sounds like he has done some shockingly apalling things in his relationship with you and betrayed your trust many times. Some of the things you wrote about what he did made my skin crawl. You met this guy when you were young, which probably makes it that much more difficult for you to have a better perspective on what kind of guy he is. To answer one of you questions about being the other woman: "Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? " In my experience, the man likes to paint a picture to the other woman that his primary relationship with his wife or GF is not so great. They will say things like "My wife doesn't love me" "we don't sleep together" "our relationship is almost over", or that shes a bitch, etc , so it will make the other woman feel like she is not hurting the wife or GF, because it will seem like its the wife's or GF's fault that the man is seeking attention outside the relationship. So, that helps alleviate some of the guilt of being the other woman. But , when it comes down to it, no one is to blame for being the other woman except for the other woman. It is a foolish role for any woman to take on, and she usually winds up being made a fool of. But she gets sucked in by the "situation" the man presents to her, so ultimately it is the man who is the one at most fault with his bad intentions. Both the wife/GF and the other woman are being made a fool of by this man. He is capable of telling two sets of lies to two different people. You have no idea what he told this other woman about you, or has lead her to believe. You should take your focus off her, regardless of how persistant and seemingly crazy she is. He could have been telling her many lies about YOU and your relationship to keep her from letting go or giving her hope. You said yourself : "Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me" You should focus instead on why you chose to forgive a man who so blatantly disrespected you . You should focus on his behavior. He is the father of your child, but you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected by him. He sounds like he is a horrific liar, and you only found out about his lies by accident. He did not come and confess to you he was still seeing the other woman. You do not know that he will not do this to you again in the future, with someone else, even. His actions toward you don't sound very loving at all. He has demonstrated he is capable of major deceit and very hurtful behavior. Do you have family/friends you can talk to and confide in? Maybe a counselor? It helps to talk to someone who can be objective. To answer your question : "What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? " I can honestly say if those things that you went through happened to me in a relationship, I would not be there. If I were in a relationship with a man, and he took up with another woman like that, I would leave and never look back, regardless of whether I felt I loved him. I love myself more now. I am really sorry you are in this situation, especially with a newborn in the picture. Your boyfriend sounds like he has done some shockingly apalling things in his relationship with you and betrayed your trust many times. Some of the things you wrote about what he did made my skin crawl. You met this guy when you were young, which probably makes it that much more difficult for you to have a better perspective on what kind of guy he is.

To answer one of you questions about being the other woman:
“Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? ”

In my experience, the man likes to paint a picture to the other woman that his primary relationship with his wife or GF is not so great. They will say things like “My wife doesn’t love me” “we don’t sleep together” “our relationship is almost over”, or that shes a bitch, etc , so it will make the other woman feel like she is not hurting the wife or GF, because it will seem like its the wife’s or GF’s fault that the man is seeking attention outside the relationship. So, that helps alleviate some of the guilt of being the other woman.

But , when it comes down to it, no one is to blame for being the other woman except for the other woman. It is a foolish role for any woman to take on, and she usually winds up being made a fool of. But she gets sucked in by the “situation” the man presents to her, so ultimately it is the man who is the one at most fault with his bad intentions. Both the wife/GF and the other woman are being made a fool of by this man. He is capable of telling two sets of lies to two different people.

You have no idea what he told this other woman about you, or has lead her to believe. You should take your focus off her, regardless of how persistant and seemingly crazy she is. He could have been telling her many lies about YOU and your relationship to keep her from letting go or giving her hope. You said yourself : “Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me”

You should focus instead on why you chose to forgive a man who so blatantly disrespected you . You should focus on his behavior. He is the father of your child, but you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected by him. He sounds like he is a horrific liar, and you only found out about his lies by accident. He did not come and confess to you he was still seeing the other woman. You do not know that he will not do this to you again in the future, with someone else, even. His actions toward you don’t sound very loving at all. He has demonstrated he is capable of major deceit and very hurtful behavior. Do you have family/friends you can talk to and confide in? Maybe a counselor? It helps to talk to someone who can be objective.

To answer your question : “What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? ”

I can honestly say if those things that you went through happened to me in a relationship, I would not be there. If I were in a relationship with a man, and he took up with another woman like that, I would leave and never look back, regardless of whether I felt I loved him. I love myself more now.

]]> By: fruitfull1 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-170947 fruitfull1 Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:47:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-170947 Hello all! I am not here to bash anyone as I am open minded and it is not my job to judge. I am just curious and would like to vent and maybe even ask some questions. Well, I am 25 yrs old and I am in a serious relationship with a man that is 32. We have been together 4 years. In these 4 yrs we have been together he has cheated on me twice that I know of for sure. Possibly more. I believe he is still in contact and possibly even seeing the other woman who happens to be an ex girlfriend that he was in a relationship with for 2 years and then off and on with her until he met me in 04. I didn't know about her until a year into our relationship, however she knew about me the whole time and still continued to pursue him anyways. I asked about his past relationships and he did tell me things about her but continued to say he would never date her again because she has a mental illness he can't deal with. I know it is not totally her fault. I don't blame her at all for HIS actions. He left me the first time to go cheat with her 2 days after I had a misscarriage with our first baby. He stayed with her for 5 days (mind you this was on mothers day weekend that he was with her) and turned his cell phones off so I could not reach him. Then he came home to me. At the time when he left I did not know he was going to see her. He told me he was going to NYC to go to a Knicks game and hang with the fellas. I trusted him. I was angry he wanted to hang with his friends at such a devastating time but none the less I trusted him. I only found out about where he really was and who he was really with a month after the fact. He left his cell phones at home and I was near them. They were ringing off the hook and texts were coming thru like 95 going north! It was her! She was cussing him out "I know your with her! God don't like ugly! Thats it? U get what u want and u cut me off? I know your with her! ANSWER THE PHONE"!!!! So I answer the phone her and I get into it and she's in her 30's and she acted like a 15yr old. I ended up telling her I was not mad at her and that it was him I was mad at because he tried to play me and her against eachother. Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me. ANYHOW...she and I compared notes and she said she was done with him because I stayed on the phone with her until he came home so she could hear him in the back ground and KNOW that he has no intentions on leaving me and that we were still together....she says he told her we had broken up. So I let her hear how he and I interact and he's tellin me he loves me and callin me baby....she hears all that while on the phone with me. So she's like I am so done with him...I'm gonna pretend he is dead....I'm not messin with him anymore....blah blah blah. YEAH RIGHT! Well I left him and moved out with a girlfriend of mine. He came chasing after me....calling non stop, coming by my place (how the hell did he know where I lived?), calling my mom begging her to talk to me, leaving notes and letters on my door, telling his parents to call me....etc. So finally after a month of NON STOP chasing me....I finally let him talk to me. We ended up getting back together and I had forgivin him with every morsel in my body....it took alot for me to fogive and give him another chance. SO with that being said I eventually find that he is still in communication with her....emails, phone calls, text messeges...etc. I let it go. I didn't even get upset. I knew they had a past and he wasn't gonna change over night...that is unrealistic. So I just let him know that I wasn't havin it...it was either her or me then finally he cut her off...SHE began stalking me....emails, playing on my phone cell and work, having her friends call me....etc. She is a very pretty woman I don't know why she would do these things to me when I was not the one in the wrong. ANYWAY.....Another year goes by....she stopped harrassing me, but come to find out that the reason was because he was communicating with her again....she sent me warning emails letting me know they were gonna see eachother and there was nothing I could do about it because she was gonna see him anyway. I didn't believe her because he was ALWAYS with me except when he was at work but even then I was talking to him just about all day. He would call me and I would call him so I thought she was lying to make me mad because he wouldn't leave me and she was bitter.....so I thought. ANYWAY....5 months later after me and him finally got pregnant and had a baby girl.....she sent him a picture of him in a hotel room with only his underwear on smoking a cigarette dated Aug 2007. I had the baby in Oct. He slept with her while I was at home pregnant with his FIRST and only baby. I was devastated to the point I wanted to kick both their asses....but I didn't. He swears he told her that was the last time and that he didn't want her and wasn't doing anything with her anymore. So I believed him reluctantly and here I am today....I forgive him but I am hurt inside. Everything is still so fresh in a way. What is it like being the other woman really? Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? Has a man ever left his woman for you?Do you believe in karma? Again I am not judging....I wanted to vent and I was just curious. Hello all!

I am not here to bash anyone as I am open minded and it is not my job to judge. I am just curious and would like to vent and maybe even ask some questions.

Well, I am 25 yrs old and I am in a serious relationship with a man that is 32. We have been together 4 years. In these 4 yrs we have been together he has cheated on me twice that I know of for sure. Possibly more. I believe he is still in contact and possibly even seeing the other woman who happens to be an ex girlfriend that he was in a relationship with for 2 years and then off and on with her until he met me in 04. I didn’t know about her until a year into our relationship, however she knew about me the whole time and still continued to pursue him anyways. I asked about his past relationships and he did tell me things about her but continued to say he would never date her again because she has a mental illness he can’t deal with. I know it is not totally her fault. I don’t blame her at all for HIS actions. He left me the first time to go cheat with her 2 days after I had a misscarriage with our first baby. He stayed with her for 5 days (mind you this was on mothers day weekend that he was with her) and turned his cell phones off so I could not reach him. Then he came home to me. At the time when he left I did not know he was going to see her. He told me he was going to NYC to go to a Knicks game and hang with the fellas. I trusted him. I was angry he wanted to hang with his friends at such a devastating time but none the less I trusted him. I only found out about where he really was and who he was really with a month after the fact. He left his cell phones at home and I was near them. They were ringing off the hook and texts were coming thru like 95 going north! It was her! She was cussing him out “I know your with her! God don’t like ugly! Thats it? U get what u want and u cut me off? I know your with her! ANSWER THE PHONE”!!!! So I answer the phone her and I get into it and she’s in her 30’s and she acted like a 15yr old. I ended up telling her I was not mad at her and that it was him I was mad at because he tried to play me and her against eachother. Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me. ANYHOW…she and I compared notes and she said she was done with him because I stayed on the phone with her until he came home so she could hear him in the back ground and KNOW that he has no intentions on leaving me and that we were still together….she says he told her we had broken up. So I let her hear how he and I interact and he’s tellin me he loves me and callin me baby….she hears all that while on the phone with me. So she’s like I am so done with him…I’m gonna pretend he is dead….I’m not messin with him anymore….blah blah blah. YEAH RIGHT! Well I left him and moved out with a girlfriend of mine. He came chasing after me….calling non stop, coming by my place (how the hell did he know where I lived?), calling my mom begging her to talk to me, leaving notes and letters on my door, telling his parents to call me….etc. So finally after a month of NON STOP chasing me….I finally let him talk to me. We ended up getting back together and I had forgivin him with every morsel in my body….it took alot for me to fogive and give him another chance. SO with that being said I eventually find that he is still in communication with her….emails, phone calls, text messeges…etc. I let it go. I didn’t even get upset. I knew they had a past and he wasn’t gonna change over night…that is unrealistic. So I just let him know that I wasn’t havin it…it was either her or me then finally he cut her off…SHE began stalking me….emails, playing on my phone cell and work, having her friends call me….etc. She is a very pretty woman I don’t know why she would do these things to me when I was not the one in the wrong. ANYWAY…..Another year goes by….she stopped harrassing me, but come to find out that the reason was because he was communicating with her again….she sent me warning emails letting me know they were gonna see eachother and there was nothing I could do about it because she was gonna see him anyway. I didn’t believe her because he was ALWAYS with me except when he was at work but even then I was talking to him just about all day. He would call me and I would call him so I thought she was lying to make me mad because he wouldn’t leave me and she was bitter…..so I thought. ANYWAY….5 months later after me and him finally got pregnant and had a baby girl…..she sent him a picture of him in a hotel room with only his underwear on smoking a cigarette dated Aug 2007. I had the baby in Oct. He slept with her while I was at home pregnant with his FIRST and only baby. I was devastated to the point I wanted to kick both their asses….but I didn’t. He swears he told her that was the last time and that he didn’t want her and wasn’t doing anything with her anymore. So I believed him reluctantly and here I am today….I forgive him but I am hurt inside. Everything is still so fresh in a way. What is it like being the other woman really? Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? Has a man ever left his woman for you?Do you believe in karma? Again I am not judging….I wanted to vent and I was just curious.

]]> By: R_ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-1/#comment-163069 R_ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 23:07:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/challenging-your-role-of-being-the-other-woman/#comment-163069 Hi Guys, Ive sat here and gone through the motions over the course of the last year and a half. Why? because I have been the "other woman" on and off for the duration. We all have our views on how "disgraceful" it is. Damn right it is...and if someone had told me a few years back that I would have fallen in love with a man who has been with his gf for the last 10 years ...i would've merely laughed in their faces. However its not so simple. Being the ther woman carries 1) a weight of guilt (for many), 2) it carries the hope of having hope in that she will be be with him without the lies and deceit, 3) it also carries the lonliness in all things emotional. Over the last year or so I have sat and cried and consoled myself in so many ways unimagineable...i have tried to see whether there is even the slightest chance that he would ever leave her. The answer had been staring me in the face for so long...and i was blind to it. Whether he does or doesnt leave her is no concern of mine. Firstly I doubt "trust" could ever be measured within our relationship and secondly I wont be "second-fiddle". If he wants to be with me...he must prove himself. I act all hard right? well honsety speaking I have ditched him more times than not...each time we say goodbye...wishing both the best ...but i will receive either a text or a phone call out of the blue. When I refuse to meet him...with his persuasive nature i buckle. Who do i blame in this situation? myself. Ive fought the battle of guilt towards her for so long that there is no guilt left. I blame myself for the simple reason that...i am the mug. I should never have gone into this relationship. On the plus side ladies and gents...i'll tell u one thing...each time u walk away you leave something behind you...debris u could well do without. To all ladies in this dilemna...give yourself a break and stand straight. Dont allow yourself to be used unless U benefit from the situation and you dont mind. One more thing...every woman knows if her man is playng away...dont beat yourself up about it...but do the right thing and ditch him... Hi Guys,
Ive sat here and gone through the motions over the course of the last year and a half. Why? because I have been the “other woman” on and off for the duration.
We all have our views on how “disgraceful” it is. Damn right it is…and if someone had told me a few years back that I would have fallen in love with a man who has been with his gf for the last 10 years …i would’ve merely laughed in their faces.
However its not so simple. Being the ther woman carries 1) a weight of guilt (for many), 2) it carries the hope of having hope in that she will be be with him without the lies and deceit, 3) it also carries the lonliness in all things emotional.

Over the last year or so I have sat and cried and consoled myself in so many ways unimagineable…i have tried to see whether there is even the slightest chance that he would ever leave her. The answer had been staring me in the face for so long…and i was blind to it. Whether he does or doesnt leave her is no concern of mine.
Firstly I doubt “trust” could ever be measured within our relationship and secondly I wont be “second-fiddle”. If he wants to be with me…he must prove himself.
I act all hard right? well honsety speaking I have ditched him more times than not…each time we say goodbye…wishing both the best …but i will receive either a text or a phone call out of the blue. When I refuse to meet him…with his persuasive nature i buckle.

Who do i blame in this situation? myself. Ive fought the battle of guilt towards her for so long that there is no guilt left. I blame myself for the simple reason that…i am the mug. I should never have gone into this relationship.
On the plus side ladies and gents…i’ll tell u one thing…each time u walk away you leave something behind you…debris u could well do without.

To all ladies in this dilemna…give yourself a break and stand straight. Dont allow yourself to be used unless U benefit from the situation and you dont mind. One more thing…every woman knows if her man is playng away…dont beat yourself up about it…but do the right thing and ditch him…

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