Over parts one, two, and three of this series, I’ve explained how compatibility, type, and common interests are three things that can be pretty dangerous when you have been in a number of poor relationships because aside from you not looking at the bigger picture and looking at these things in context, you may have some unhealthy or misguided ideas that are driving your choices. Today, it’s finally time to talk about ‘type’.
I’m going to be blunt – If you’re someone who claims to have a ‘type’, talks about it and rests her proverbial sword on it, and has found herself courting misery, ambiguity and all of the other negative stuff and hasn’t been able to have successful relationships with her ‘type’, he’s not your ‘type’!
He’s your illusion, he’s your nightmare, he’s your fears, he’s your pain in the ass, but he most certainly is not your type.
Your type should be able to make you feel good for longer than ‘moments’ or fleeting highs.
Your type shouldn’t come with drama and excess baggage. Your type should be someone who can consistently make you feel good throughout the relationship and allow you to be yourself.
Having a ‘type’ is about justifying why you are not open to making a different choice.
If you imagine someone sitting you down and asking you what type of man will run you ragged, leave you in self-doubt, give you fleeting highs with many lows, and cater to your negative beliefs about yourself and run down your self-esteem, it’s your type. Particularly for the women who find themselves with men who treat them badly, you could remove the window dressing from your aspirations and just say ‘My type is *ssholes!’
When you are habitually involved with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, you will discover that you are the type of person that has made excuses and allowances for poor behaviour and has struggled or even outright refused to opt out, because it’s been preferential to dine on the illusion and hope that he would change.
‘Type’ is about choosing a particular type of person because you think that it’s what is most attractive to you and what will make you happy.
However, type is about following a pattern, and if you have discovered that you have a penchant for Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, you have unhealthy relationship patterns, and have been choosing unhealthy men because you have an unhealthy or toxic type.
For a start, most of us don’t even know who the hell we are anymore as we’ve lost ourselves in a series of Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns. You can’t possibly know what makes you happy, because trust me, if you did, the first thing you have to ask yourself is:
If I know what makes me happy, why am I continuously opting for the unhappy route in the hope that one day it will make me happy?
Why not just cut straight to the chase and choose a man that is reflective of the values that you chase at end of the tunnel, instead of squeezing a poor candidate through the round hole when he’s actually ‘square’?
Even scarier, many of us mistake the feeling of the familiarity of something or some catering to our fears as passion, excitement, and ‘love’, when in actual fact it’s fear.
Remember, pain is not love, it’s just pain.
Type has you blinded because type it’s never really about aspiring to be with someone who with the aesthetic and sexual appeal, also has strong values, and loves, respects, trusts, and cares about you.
Type is very much tied up in the unimportant. It’s about making the nice-to-have-but-unnecessary -things a priority and forgetting about the important things that will actually determine the success of the relationship.
Because you are chasing a feeling, as discussed in part two, your ‘type’ is reflective of the types of things that you believe will generate this ‘feeling’.
Your type and your relationships are often tied into illusions, so you’ve been projecting your ‘type’ onto this feeling and not sanity checking whether your ‘feelings’ and your ‘type’ are compatible.
You want to feel good in a good relationship but your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships mean that you have a type that caters to the beliefs, that’s actually incompatible with the feeling.
Your type allows you to create excuses to keep fishing from the same pool, but your pool that you’re drawing from is making you unhappy.
Choosing same man, different package just does not work.
You may be trying to reconnect with traits and behaviours of someone that you either last recall feeling vaguely good with or who you would like to right the wrongs of the past with. Your ‘type’ may represent the one that got away, your father, your first boyfriend who let you down, the guy that broke your heart, but ‘type’ can often be about proving something to yourself.
Type is about nurturing your pattern and keeping it alive.
Some women have been chasing the love and attention of their father who was tall, dark, handsome, with a desire to have a music/acting/art career that never did quite take off, ever since they were a child, and their daddy’s just been replaced by boyfriends that fit the mould.
At the end of the day, type is only as good as the men you end up with.
If your type yields the happy, solid relationship you want, yay for you, but if your type means that you welcome the waifs and strays of the dating pool that rely on you having little or no boundaries, you have a toxic type that’s going to hinder your prospects, play havoc with your self-esteem, and stop you from getting the relationship you profess to want.
Much like when I talked about the compatibility issue, there’s no point in going on about your type if it doesn’t bring you success because all you’re doing is making yourself comfortable with b*llshit and men who are poor prospects for a relationship.
Your ‘type’ is an illusion because whilst in your mind it makes you happy, in reality, it does the opposite.
You spend your time trying to get the illusion and the reality to marry up so that you can justify your investment and avoid looking more closely at your choices because you are afraid of change and what that will mean to you.
Type is about catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy where we say we want to be happy and in a relationship, but we end up sabotaging our own efforts by choosing men that offer the least likely possibility of delivering on our desires.
We then get to be right and say what chumps they are (and they often are) but it’s more comfortable for us to keep trying our hand with the familiarity of our type than it is to branch out into unknown territory.
Type is often superficial and I’m not saying that your guy shouldn’t have aesthetic appeal or share some of your interests but it’s unrealistic to keep chasing a figment of your imagination or to keep chasing just the superficial and paying no heed to whether the core values stack up to yield a decent man who can give you a decent relationship.
A reader said to me recently, ‘Of course I want to be happy and fall in love but I just don’t find guys who aren’t my type attractive. I like guys who like outdoor pursuits, you know, adventure stuff, healthy, likes walking and mountaineering’
The woman is so fricking miserable it’s scary! There she is traipsing up and down mountains with him and he hardly talks to her. He’s adventurous alright – he likes the adventure of flirting with other women on trips and shagging around behind her back. He’s healthy, works out, but is rather vain and takes pot shots at her about her own appearance and weight. I mean jeez, couldn’t she forgo focusing on these shared interests and maybe focusing on someone who makes her feel good, even if he’s waiting for her at the bottom of the mountain to take her home instead of walking on it with her?
She’s not looking at the bigger picture.
You don’t need a mirror image of your fantasy because much like when people discover that living out their sexual fantasy isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, it may be time for you to start getting real in the real world.
Wouldn’t it be better for your type to be focused around the type of relationship that you want and feeling good, positive, and being treated well as opposed to being focused on the superficial qualities that often make up ‘type’ and yield men that you end up being incompatible with?
Because remember, compatibility, type, and ‘common interests’ go hand in hand together.
The very men you profess to be your ‘type’ are actually incompatible with you because you cannot forge a relationship with them, and when you do, it’s on their terms, which ends up making you frustrated and miserable because you have to let go of your own core values, have little or no boundaries, and try to become someone you’re not in attempt to make the relationship successful, forgetting yourself along the way, and still ending up with a relationship that doesn’t work.
You assume because you share interests (or take on his interests) that these are reflective of the type of man these interests will yield, and that man is your ‘type’ but you’ll learn in part 5 that interests only mean something in the overall context of the relationship.
Your type, much like your ideas about compatibility that are incompatible with your happiness, is holding you back.
It’s not about finding a perfect man; it’s about finding someone who as a base, is wholeheartedly committed to you. When someone is committed to you and protecting your relationship, no matter what and who they have been before, they’re now putting both feet in to do what works for you both. Where adapting is needed they do it – not try to bully you (up front or passive aggressively) into having no boundaries so they can continue on with their poor behaviour.
It’s time to come down to earth and evaluate your type and if it’s incompatible with making you and your relationships successful, you have got to address why you are seeking these types.
You will discover that some of these men are like self protection.
You know what you’re going to get with this ‘type’ even though you also hope that he’ll buck the trend and prove you wrong and be different…even though if he was different, you might not be interested in him….
Is your type based on your mother or father?
Does your type detract from you and reduce your self-esteem?
Does your type remind you that you’re not ‘good enough’?
Does your type bring out that competitive streak in you that makes you want to fight to prove yourself worthy and ride that donkey till it collapses?
Is your type dangerous? If you’re seeking danger it’s not exactly compatible with a stable, committed relationship.
Is your type lacking in character? If so, ask yourself why you are so attracted to men that are lacking in integrity and allergic to the truth?
Is your type dark, moody, and uncommunicative? It’s not exactly compatible with someone who thrives on being communicated with and is looking for validation.
Is your type wild and irresponsible? Why do you think he’s going to be responsible with you?
What is your type and what does that type represent to you, because if you examine your type, you might just start to understand why your relationships are floundering and what you need to heal within you.
More to come in part 5
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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@Penny – I should have said that my wondering if I shouldn’t wish him well was rhetorical
I still do, because I absolutely believe that what goes around comes around – this same guy also actively wished me to fail and “die horribly” in my new home town, he had in the past screamed at me that he wanted me to die of cancer (and I consoled him) and when I came out here for the interview he called me the night before it in a rage, very incoherent telling me not to ever talk to him, then hanging up, then calling me back to threaten me and tell me to stop bothering him … and the clincher was threatening to kill me if I ever went back to the UK (which I just was calm about and said was a criminal offence even to say it) – when that didn’t work (because after all this time with him I was totally numb to his rages) he threatened to hunt down and kill my elderly mother (who is quite ill).
I’ll still wish him well, because he needs all the help he can get. This isn’t my recent ex, it’s the one before him – I am going to go NC other than for practical reasons because I am just so much happier without him. Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement, I can sense at least some of the progress but I am aware that one wrong word from the recent ex (i.e. anything) will open up a wound. Speaking of …
@Planet Jane = PJ girl DON’T DO IT. Please please please just delete the text and delete the call record if you can. That text was because you didn’t wish him a happy birthday and he’s used to yanking your chain. Great, let him yank (sounds like he yanks something on a regular basis) and get no resistance cos there’s nothing there instead of no resistance cos you went trotting back. I’m counting on YOU, and so are all the other ladies here and who will come here, to throw that sentiment back at me if I ever get contacted.
Re Narcs – they are scary, frankly. The best advice is to stay the hell away from them.
OK, well I have his birthday coming up and our anniversary not long after it. I survived the day he asked me to be with him, I will definitely survive something as trivial as his birthday. I am going to buy him what he bought me.
NOTHING!!!!!
In other news, there is a guy I am interested in who is very different to my usual type, seems he is also interested in me. Not thinking anything about this at all but it’s very clear that he has a lot of integrity. We’ll see, to be honest I am happy alone at the moment and I was definitely not looking but isn’t that when we tend to find?
@ Anusha – this sounds far more positive, wonderful
Wishing you all the best.
@Nene “an EU and his no-value-adding antics aint living.” AMEN!!!!!
@ Meant – yep educate yourself but be discriminate in what you apply to who. Narcs are very distinctive once you know – they just are “off” somehow. Some narcissism is healthy, in fact a touch of it wouldn’t go amiss with many of us
@Butterfly
Glad you are making progress-yes you are right, he needs all the help he can get! Anyone that threatens you or wishes that you would contract a terminal illness and/or threaten you and/or family has major mental problems. No way you can fix any of that!! You are so lucky that fool is out of your life.No one should be in contact with anyone that threatened them! Just keep doing what you are doing-it is clearly not done in one step, but you seem well on your way.
My guy’s birthday is next week, and I was struggling whether or not to send him a happy birthday. Not!! Considering that he sent me a card, and could not even take the trouble to make a phone call to me on my birthday last month-he does not deserve any acts of kindness from me.
@Nene-love the “no-value adding antics.”
lol @ sent me a card
I mean nothing … not this year … not last year when he was running hit (“i really dropped the ball on this one”). Steel yourself for a text tho, delete it unread!
I can’t really recommend therapy enough if, as in my case, you had a pretty dysfunctional upbringing.
I spent 35 years knowing that I probably needed professional help but it wasn’t till the AC did his 18o degree spin that I fell apart and went for help. Best thing that ever happened to me and I wish I’d done it in my 20′s instead of my 40′s.
@ butterfly, like you I in a different country where therapy is not very easy to come by, it’s still very Catholic here and the first therapist I saw tried to give me a book on religion after our first session! I’d made it clear that I am not religious so needless to say that was also the last session for me, then I found a wonderful man who’d trained abroad. How long before you leave wherever you are?
At least nine months IF I want to go. I love it here but … it’s a very Catholic country (gets paranoid that we are neighbours!!).
@Butterfly – the more I read, the more I see my dad is a narc!!!!! Thanks so much for posting the info, which then led me to research further. It’s quite an education I’m getting here. I’m also sorry to hear about the depths of despair you have experienced, and happy for you that you had a real friend to help you though it.
@ Penny, Anusha, sadthing, et al – thanks for your frank discussion about therapy. I feel I’m getting closer to the point of making that call and admitting professional help would be beneficial for me. I *did* grow up in a dysfunctional environment – alcoholic (possibly narcissistic) father, parental conflict (Mum deeply religious, dad an atheist), etc, etc.
@PlanetJane — “Yesterday WAS my xeum’s B-day. I didn’t contact him at all, and really felt quite peaceful about it. I was awoken by a text from him this morning however that said, ‘Hope all is well. Don’t be a stranger.’ I imagine he was expecting some kind of Birthday message from me. Hmm.” AND “Or maybe he is just really interested in staying a kind of ‘friends.’ I don’t really know what to do…if I should text him back, just something mundane.”
DO NOT CONTACT HIM!! He’s throwing out “BAIT” to hook you into his harem of fallback girl(s)! Don’t fall for it!! If this man’s interest in you was genuine, he’d stop at nothing to let you know!! Do not respond unless this man comes back and clearly offers you the kind of relationship that YOU want and deserve. And even then, only accept his offer if you’re sure that he’s fully changed (highly unlikely). His text is nothing more than toying with you!! It’s a crumb and it is crap!! He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s expecting you to come a runnin’ and then he’ll laugh at how easy you are. By not responding you are teaching him to respect you and your boundaries!! DON’T RESPOND!! And trust me, when he doesn’t hear back there’ll likely be another attempt so be prepared!!
@Serena-” It’s a crumb and it is crap!!”
I like it. That was well said.
@JetRed – OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! I can’t believe this!!! WHAT A BASTARD!!!!! I’m freakin’ MAD from reading your story!!! What a LOW LIFE SCUM!!!! I can’t even imagine your pain, totally broke my heart;( How are you holding up today? How long since NC? Thanks for sharing…please continue to unleash all those excess thoughts, blunt honesty is therapy. Look at it in reverse: He was also cheating on HER cuz all those time he was also with you. Thus she didn’t get the gem, she got the garbage. Those type of men should be super easy to get over…you’re too good for that scumbag!!!
@Planet Jane – our exes sound like they could be twins! Not knowing how they feel about anything, no commitment after months together, their “wonderful distraction” description of us, etc, etc.
I am urging you to take the advice you offered to Butterfly: “please don’t contact him to let him know!” After my experience with the “brief contact” with my ex a couple days ago, I can now say with experience “it ain’t worth it” I agree with Serena – it’s a crumb and he is a d*ck (oops, changed her quote a little, sorry)
“I don’t know what I waaaaant!” was another one.
@Butterfly – forgot to mention, it was an e-card-not even a “real” paper card sent through the mail.
Ugh. I know you guys are probably right. I don’t even really know what to say to that text…it’s so vague and lame…and pretty much BS after all we’ve…I’ve been through! I can’t ever go back to the way things were with him, and that happy, easy-going me.
But I just can’t help but feel GUILTY. I don’t want to be the jerk that blows him off. But I don’t want to be the chump either. Damn it.
It’s so funny, I think it was yesterday that I said I wanted contact so I could slam the door in his face! Ha ha. What a big talker I am huh?
And I also keep thinking: Oh, our situation is different. We can be friends. But EVERY time he disappears, when he comes back…EVERY time, I’ve said: Ok, we’ll just be friends. And EVERY time – it’s taken a while – but he’s slowly crept back in, to my mind, my heart and my bed. Ands he’s come to depend on me emotionally, and suck my blood! I really sometimes think of him as a fat spider.
I SWORE this would be the last time. And while I was going through this pain, I cursed myself for not ending it sooner, before he f*^%ed my friend right under my nose. What else does he have to do? How much worse can it get?
You guys are right. You’re right. You’re right. How can I be friends with someone I could never trust, who doesn’t value me, and whose character I pretty much despise?
Ugh. Wish me luck. Send me strength.
Meant To Be Happy – I know huh? Thankfully mine isn’t MM, so at least they’re not the same person
Phew.
You can’t be friends.
Would you be friends with the Ebola virus?
Who CARES what he thinks?
xx
I’m starting to fully realize what a victim I’ve allowed myself to be. I’m afraid of him emotionally. I’m afraid of his advances into my life. I feel powerless. A spider? Wow. I feel emotionally violated and raped. What is this self-destructiveness? This urge to give everything, this sacrifice?
I’m not going to text him back. And it’s not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. It’s hard flipping work. But I’m gonna claw my way out of this hole…this web. Hah.
YAY!!! Hugs for PJ!
@Planet Jane – “And EVERY time – it’s taken a while – but he’s slowly crept back in, to my mind, my heart and my bed. Ands he’s come to depend on me emotionally, and suck my blood! I really sometimes think of him as a fat spider.”
I’m in the same movie you are – this boomerang thing, ending back in his bed, with him sucking the life out of me – twice before. I told him, if I broke up with him a third time, that’s it – no more chances. And this is the third time. I’m thinking of him as a slimy snake now – maybe the devil himself in the Garden of Eden. Don’t wanna eat that fruit NO MORE. Let’s be rid of these lower life forms once and for all!!!
@PlanetJane — “I’m not going to text him back. And it’s not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. It’s hard flipping work. But I’m gonna claw my way out of this hole…this web. Hah.”
EXCELLENT!! Think of it this way, by NOT responding YOU’RE taking control of the relationship, instead of letting the relationship control you!! In other words, by not responding, YOU have the power in the relationship!!
Also, you CANNOT be friends!! You can’t because you want him as more than a friend and you’re just setting yourself up for feeling continual rejection in the relationship. He KNOWS you want him more and he will USE your friendship, take what he wants and leave you in pieces. Is this the kind of friend you want??
@Butterfly — “’I don’t know what I waaaaant!’†was another one.”
Although mine didn’t say this, the constant flip-flapping says it all!! Even on his surprise visit he said, “I don’t know if letting you go is the right thing to do.” Geeeeeeezzzzz!! Get a grip!! Why does he presume that he still has me to let go of??!! I really think his visit was to try to keep me as an option for when HE decides. As NML says, the relationship is always on THEIR terms!! Showing up after 5 weeks NC post breakup with nothing more to offer than the same ole swiss cheese is pretty ballsy wouldn’t you say??!! And. . . it triggered all those old feelings and yearnings and put my head into a spin regarding the relationship potential of, “yes, because of this, no because of that, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no . . . ” It made me think if this is what they go through in their head, I’m glad I don’t live in their head!! I’m just trying to put it all out of my head as much as possible. Two things he said to me were interesting and have me wondering where he’s coming from. One was, “You’re not telling me everything.” The other was, “You’re hiding.” I have NO IDEA of where those two ideas are coming from!! I don’t know what kind of mystery of me he’s concocted that I’m holding back and hiding. I asked him what he meant by both statements and he didn’t answer. I’d love to know what he thinks but I may never know. Can anyone make sense out of that??
@PlanetJane- Just answer me something,the kind of friendship that he is ofering you is what you want? When I was deciding if I should be friends with my ex I took in consideration what he ofered me:a text after 2 months NC saying “congratulations for your team winning”.That for me is being friends? No,being friends is asking how Im,asking what Im doing,being there for me on the good and bad times.He did any of those things for me? NO.So he wasnt realy being a friend.You think your ex is doing what it takes to be a friend in your opinion? I think by that you can decide if is worth or not to be his friend.
My friend replied my message,she said she is realy sorry for how I fell and that she will try harder.Im pretty happy that I wont be losing her friendship cause I realy like her
It also was a personal improvement,it was my first time puting boundaries.I always been afraid to let people know when Im upsed and that end up scaring them away,so I usualy just keep it to myself.That was the first time I let it out and said exactaly how I fell.Im happy I could do it and the result was a good one,I guess that Im making progress on improving myself 
Well, when I came here I stayed with a friend. A gay friend. Not just a little bit gay, gayer than twenty gay mushrooms on a picnic. It became clear he thought I had had sex with this friend (whom he also knows and he knows VERY well is as gay as a box of frogs).
I described the thought of me having sex with this friend (whom I think of as a SISTER more than anything, and vice versa) as being “as wrong as the concept of having sex with the colour green”.
Thing is, they think everyone else thinks like they do, “feel” (in as much as they do feel) like they do so yeah of course they can’t trust you. They only have themselves as a frame of reference and they are themselves untrustworthy. Hiding? Well that doesn’t need explaining surely.
So there you go. Only my thoughts based on observation and reading up but if you really need to pin some sense into it you will NEVER get it from him, so this is as good as anything else to give you some closure (and that’s the important part who cares about him?).
Night night xx
Oh btw Serena = these things he said and did? “Splitting” and “Projection”.
@Butterfly – Sorry i made you gag last night lol. It was midnight (I’m in the U.S.) & was really missing him and all those sappy thoughts came flooding out. Feel free to yank me back to reality when i’m lost in La La Land;)
@Dancefire – Still nostalgic/sobbing ? *huggiez* want my sleeves? (Shrimps, sardines, squids, and all the yummy seafoods are all for sampling …if one can refrain from getting too attached *so hard for us women not to*)
@PlanetJane- Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…..did u text back??????????????? What’s the verdict? Am curious!!!!:)
OK tonight let me focus on things I DON’T miss about the online ex (as someone suggested *great idea!*)….
Uuuuhhhhh….mmmmm….aawww geezeee….so lame…can’t even think of anything…I’m still sooooooo in love with him!!! I can’t switch off my feelings in 2 weeks;( Anyone else here still in love with their ex’s????
@Morning Coffee – that was me wanting you to think of what you don;t miss:
how about:
wondering what he’s like to be with in person – would the sparks still be there?
wondering what your daughter would think of him, and if he would be a good father if he did finally have a child of his own (that he calls a funky name lol)
wishing he would reply to your snail mail
wondering how many other people he talks to online, and if he’s not getting back to you because someone else is stroking his ego
wondering why he won’t put his money where his mouth is and come and visit you.
Sorry to be negative, but just trying to be balanced here, to offset those fantasy things you’re dreaming of……
oh, and you were asking about our stories – mine is under personal happiness part 2, under the name notmeanttobe, beginning of July
have a great night Morning Coffee – stay strong!!!
Hey Morning Coffee – I haven’t texted back. It’s about 8:30pm here. Although I confess I’ve gone to my phone a few times – but I’ve put it down. I’ve decided that “Don’t be a stranger” just doesn’t warrant a response.
You ladies are wonderful…
I’ve not had the greatest day in my life today, but I didn’t contact him. I just couldn’t figure any way to do so without looking foolish. I actually think it is out of fear. Fear that he will turn it around on me and finally tell me to get lost, hurting me once again and tell me everything I don’t want to know. He’s openly excited about having her in his life, saying it online and showing it by inviting her to just move after losing her job into his home. They are even sharing a swinging relationship on a sex site I never mentioned that I knew he was a member of. I assumed that was in his past. Oh god…I’m finding that I wasn’t as exciting as he would have liked…all the fantasies he can have with her. I believed that we were looking for the same comfort and passion…that we were meeting at a time where we’d both been through the wringer…but, obviously, I was taking it too slow. My god, she lost her job and the next thing, she’s moving from another state in with him. Someone that I tried to respect his sense of privacy and “issues with trust”. And she’s in there…and now bragging about him not knowing how to satisfy certain needs but she’s “bi-curious”.
I was a fool…looking to give him the most valuable gift I had…myself, my love, my loyalty. What is happening in the world? What is it that makes people who are supposed to be intimate, want just the fancy fantasy? Or am I so naive that I don’t see couples maintain their relationships by sex play with others. Oh…I’m sunk.
I can’t believe I’m saying these things…I’ve got to never go to that site again. I’m torturing myself by looking at this stuff. It’s almost like he knows I’m looking at it…when in reality, he probably never thinks of me at all or what I’m doing, or how I’m getting along. Damn…
Thanks again, ladies for understanding. I really dislike being in this pathetic state. I got through 2 months of NC, but I think I believed he would contact me…but nothing. Nothing at all…dodged the bullet, but still bleeding.
@ Planet Jane – “And EVERY time – it’s taken a while – but he’s slowly crept back in, to my mind, my heart and my bed. â€
Boundaries, dear heart, boundaries. We can have acquaintances, family, co-workers, and friends – and not think of them in intimate terms. We should be very particular that anyone we allow intimacies with will respect us, that we respect them for their character and honor. Not because sex is something mystical (it is!), but because we engage our selves and our feelings of home and belonging and nurturing and protectiveness when we are intimate with someone – when there is sex or not.
It seems that practicing different “hats” or roles to play with the people in your life is in order. There is the acquaintance role – when someone isn’t a stranger, but you don’t know them well enough to be assured of their character. There is the friend role, where you have verified their character is acceptable, that you are interested in their welfare, that trading tasks and time together is rewarding for you. The intimate and family role is reserved for trusted family, and for the ones you wish to share lives with at some level.
If I think of the heart as a castle or fortress, then acquaintances are those I wave to over the defending wall, or I assign a guard to escort them inside the fortress. Friends can visit me in the castle, and usually won’t need an escort. I want my partner to live inside my fortress, sharing the security and comfort.
The problem with failures of character – lies, cheating, disappearing, stealing, broken promises – is that we feel defensive, assign guards to keep them from breaking “the peace” of our “fortress”. They aren’t really more than acquaintances, unless we *grant them privileges again”.
PlanetJane, discipline is the will to complete a task. When he is trying to make nice again, discipline is what keeps you looking at who he is, and whether you dare trust his sweet words (or looks, or roving hands, etc.).
This guy is *not* the last guy on earth. Losing him doesn’t mean that you must live unhappily the rest of your life – but letting him stay near you *will* prevent a good man from seeing you, and will keep you from noticing a good man. Essentially you have to leave the live that holds this bozo behind, before you will find a happier life. The choice is whether you choose to leave this shadow world on your own, and choose who you will be, or wait for an even more intense calamity to take that control and choice out of your hands.
Disrespect will always get worse, until someone gets hurt, unless confronted. We know this guy doesn’t hold to honor or truth; confrontation hasn’t helped yet. It seems the only path to survival here, is to run away.
Luck.
@ Jetred I will reply when I get home from work, I think I have a perspective that might help you with this. In the meanwhile stop looking. Please.
Oh yes and ione more thing – Morning Coffee, again, get a grip. What you are saying is actually quite painful to other people, asking if they are still in love with their exes. NO they are deluded that they are and they are trying to recover. It sounds like this guy got sick of YOUR EU behaviour from other things you have said, and now you have a wonderful painful chance to stop being that hurtful person and to become someone tuly giving and loving but you have to accept responsibility for your own words and deeds. Looking for validation in this way makes me feel that you probably would benefit from therapy – and support can be given here, therapy can’t. Harsh as this sounds …
Thanks everybody for your support! It’s really helped me today to have your words in the back of my mind…cuz I know when I tell you all the same that I MEAN it, and I wish the best for you!
Thanks Brad K for your words of wisdom, I’m gonna print your post, and read it regularly
You were so right on so many points.
@ jetred – “dodged the bullet, but still bleeding.” Well then, it must be a flesh wound. It will heal.
I’m so sorry jetred. I know how you feel. I am SO ashamed to say this, but my xeum went through 4 other women in the 2 years I’ve known him – two of them I knew personally. Oh yes, I am a raging fbg. He lied about them all, disappeared, and lied again. But deep down…or not so deep, I knew the truth. And it was absolute torture. I cannot even say that with enough emphasis…TORTURE. I imagined SO many ways that they were better for him, or just better than I was. I imagined that he was in LOVE with each of them…the way I imagined he was in LOVE with me in the beginning. I imagined them getting married and having children, and being blissful soul-mates for the rest of their lives. I imagined that somehow, each woman held the magic key to open his heart that I was somehow lacking. But that was MY dream, not HIS – and as usual I projected it onto him…and the other women as well. And you know what? 3 of them now (that I know of) have gone NC with him…and me too (woohoo)!
But it’s your dream you’re seeing, laid over their heads. The reality of the situation, it seems, is that they barely know each other, are highly sexually and superficially attracted to each other, and are moving WAY too fast to develop a relationship based on anything real. In my opinion, if that kind of relationship works for them, they’ve got a whole lot of work to do, but they’re also NOT people that you, jetred, really want to be involved with. Different values. Right?
@Brad K – “The choice is whether you choose to leave this shadow world on your own, and choose who you will be, or wait for an even more intense calamity to take that control and choice out of your hands.”
So true. I haven’t wanted, or been able to make an active choice, and I’ve been waiting for him to leave or to do something horrible. SO foolish! I got what I wished for.
“We know this guy doesn’t hold to honor or truth; confrontation hasn’t helped yet. It seems the only path to survival here, is to run away.”
Thank you!!
@PlanetJane…thank you for the comment. You are so right…it’s rather eery, actually. (nervous laugh…where do those come from? LOL) I can’t even guess how many women he went through. He had over 400 contacts on that site…I was stunned, but, of course…I found that out during a separation and figured, “What a jerk” and just added it to the insult of being misled by him.. Then he appeared again. (I’m a classic fbg, I suppose) I was always reluctant to mention my feelings of worry to him in the early part of the “whateva this was” , because I thought, “he made me no specific promises” and I’m going to not push and allow him to learn to trust again. (he’s divorced) So it was me always putting the effort in.
I am guilty of thinking of her as better for him. I compared myself to her…being a rather tall woman and she being around 5 ft…I figured she was more feminine. She has numerous hobbies…(my sister says she’s a fraud, but how can she know that and what does it matter?…he is too) She in her profile says she’s looking for a LTR that would lead to marriage…so naturally, I marveled at the fact she just came out with it…and I believed I should go slow. “Wow..she’s brave.” I thought. She practices a healthy lifestyle…I’m trying to lose weight. She is more natural…and I wear makeup and have my hair straightened. She’s very confident and so is he. Down right arrogant in some areas, but he seemed to be successful and independent.
Ya know, when you write this stuff down…it does come more freely and I do see how much healing I need. I went into this not fully healed from a lifetime of disappointment or disillusionment. That’s why I think I was attempting to not let bad habits of jealousy and confrontation creep into this. This was gonna be a pure and honest chance. What did I know? I didn’t even think about having different values than he, until you just said it. I thought they were the same, and honestly…I went to certain points with him that I would have hesitated to go to before. The role play…and even depths of name calling that were the most negative part of our “thing”. I told him, I wouldn’t be called the one name he seemed to need to call me. That was only after allowing it one time. Why didn’t I say it right away? That’s some of the things that I must explore about my own responsibility in this. I even thought…she would run if he tried that with her…for what? So he can fall back to me and mistreat me. I need an intervention…dang.
@Butterfly…Uhm…you’re not gonna hit me are ya?
You’ll have to excuse my goofy manner…it’s the way I deal with nervousness and stress. It can be annoying some times. Sorry.
OMG why are you apologising to me of all people??!!!
No, the reason why I said I’d come back to it is that I was going to work – I have a break atm, then I will be able to answer properly later today. I see some parallels, and even more so now you’ve mentioned “role play and name calling” …
You are having an intervention, of the best kind: your own!
I don’t ever mean to be snippy but I feel there is a danger for us all to focus on him him him him and people are still doing it here (self included at times so I am not preaching, rather trying to change my behaviour). It is our doing that these men find us and prey on us, we have the power to fix it. No one else.
I also think that there is too much tendancy towards ignoring the very real fact that WOMEN can also be EUW/Assclownettes/Narcs. Yes, rarer, but they exist and they need help just as much as the guys. That extract I posted earlier about being an expert actress was that – actress not actor.
Anyway I don’t want people scared of me, I am not nasty!!
I can only recommend professional help, but the key is to find the RIGHT professional help for you. Look at it this way – if you have a stomach ache or the flue you go to the doctor.
If you have an emotional or psychological problem why not seek help for that either ?
I actually woke up this morning feeling sorry for my Assclown. He lives in a sh***ty apartment, has very shallow friends, does not much else than sitting in the pub and at the weekend gets absolutely legless. He is underachieving in his job and therefore has not much money.
Very sad, but I will keep this feeling to myself and won’t contact him, because it is his choice to live like this.
I also know that feeling sorry is part of the grieving process. Very soon I will have been through all the grieving stages (denial, anger, sadness etc) and then I will be completely free.
Well,my type is definitely “a**hole” and the way I feel my name should be the same!!!
I have had a complete relapse-he persistently contacted me,and I broke down,responding to the desperation in his tone (yes,he was desperate to borrow money!).Of course he flattered me,we ended up I am ashamed to say having phone sex…and then he told me he was planning to marry his new lady in December and he needed to be “faithful” to her,so goodbye to me again!
Yes,you can all let me have it….,after all I’ve learnt from this site.I was foolishly flattered,I knew what he was,but I fell for it all over again.Like an alcoholic having the first drink.I feel ashamed,foolish,rejected…and all the good work I had done on myself has just gone down the drain.I have to start working through everything again AND this time I only have myself to blame because I was armed with the knowledge of who he is.I have very little respect for myself at the moment,because I knew exactly what “type” he was,and yet somewhere inside of me,I thought that just maybe he had changed.I never lent him the money,though.
Thank god for that. So very sorry to hear you had to go through all this again tho sweetheart. Don’t beat yourself up – so very many of us would do the same thing I’m sure.
Remember this is a conman. What he says to you is probably also total bollocks, he will be no more faithful to her than he was to you … does she definitely even exist?
serena,
it’s called projecting. he would do this to me. i had evil secrets, i lied, i cheated. um…..i never did any of these things – ever & he knew it. they are projecting their feelings onto you. weirdo-o-rama!
Is it okay for me to say that I’m feeling pretty good today? I wanted to share this because I was unexpectedly melancholy for my ex A/C earlier this week. I went ahead and read some old emails (yes I still have them) However, I had deleted all the old text messages if that counts for anything.
In the end…I breathed through it…spent time with family, had dinner with friends, tweaked my diet and I’m feeling pretty perky today.
@Eyes Wide Open – Don’t be ashamed.
The last conversation I had with my ex A/C was not so different that yours: Reminiscing, promises to meet up (in Vegas – Ugh!), phone sex, and so-long sucker…I haven’t heard from him since. I felt as though I’d been Pantst!
It’s not how we fall, it’s how we get back up. This has been a learning process for all of us. These are new tools that NML is handing us and we are all still trying find our bearings.
I get it! “Legless” = drunk! I was, like, how are all these fbgs hooking up with legless men..how odd…and what are the odds!? Ha ha.
Sorry to you ladies who fell off the wagon and had some contact…and phone sex no less! And then another walk-away/disappearing act! OUCH. How long are we going to continue to hurt ourselves?
Tomorrow will be better.
Nope Nene it’s great to hear it
Tomorrow will be better. It might feel crap but the truth is that it WILL be better!
@ Eyes Wide Open,
I think it was Thomas A. Edison, that described the 999 failed attempts to make a working light bulbs as “successfully discovering one more way that doesn’t work” or something like that.
You found out, that for you, answering his messages doesn’t work.
Somehow, from somewhere, NML came up with the No Contact Rules. (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule/, and others) NC is brilliant. At the time when you realize you have given all control of your life, your love, your heart, and your will to someone unsuitable – NC is an act of power. With No Contact you make a choice. With NC you choose to end, forever, the chance that a destructive relationship will harm you any more, and take control over one source of pain in your life. With NC you provide a healing space, a time and frame of mind to examine what you have done, what you want, and what changes will keep bozos like the last one from darkening your door again.
But No Contact means No Contact. That is, you block his phone so he cannot make yours ring. Remember – you decided to end the relationship, to live your life without his turmoil and abuse in it. You no longer care if he could change (he won’t!), you no longer care if you made any mistakes (probably you did. Deal with it.). He has abused your trust and your respect; your own honor demands that you block him from your life. NC lets you feel the grief and regrets of losing someone important in your life, without risking letting the bozo track across your heart again.
No Contact means just that. When you find yourself thinking of him – be ready to think of something else. Laundry, math functions, your grandmother’s birthday, meal plans for the next week, inviting friends or neighbors a couple times a week for shared meals. You need to block his emails – filter them so they get marked “read”, and moved to “trash” before you know they arrived. Same with IM, with text messages – block them all. Don’t go to places where he hangs out. Avoid the street where he lives. Contact is when you see or know that he tried to contact you, not just whether you talked back. Probably the most damage happens when you know he called, or find his voice message – you have already reacted, already been hurt, had the wounds reopened. Actually letting him know you got the message is almost nothing after that.
Luck.
@Butterfly – Thanks for the response.
The ‘Pantst’ incident happened nearly 60 days ago. The lapsed time is important because NC was usually breached by one of us at the 30 day mark. So our pattern has been broken. Life without him simply better. He and his baggage were such a burden. At the time i assumed that was the price for unconditional love. Any efforts of unconditional love are now focused on myself.
60 days NC – Yipee!
@Nene – “The lapsed time is important because NC was usually breached by one of us at the 30 day mark. So our pattern has been broken.”
Yay Nene! I broke my pattern as well – 50 days NC! YAY.
“Life without him simply better. He and his baggage were such a burden. At the time i assumed that was the price for unconditional love. Any efforts of unconditional love are now focused on myself.”
So, so true!
And thanks Butterfly, and I think it was Serena, and others for info on Narcissism – any other sites or info you have would be greatly appreciated. As I’m reading, it suddenly hit me that my step-mother of 8 years was Narc. I always knew, even as a child that there was something deeply wrong with and very different about her. Wow. It may explain why I’m attracted to parnters w/Narc tendencies. I would encourage anyone to do Family of Origin work! It is one of the things that will truly contribute to our healing.
Luv.
@JetRed – I wish I can just HUG you!!! I feel so bad, I wish I can grab your hand, march you to their front door, bang on it until it opens and let you say every single words you’ve been longing to say and when you’re done slam the door shut and leave! (And go have a margarita and laugh lol). Never let the ex, the other, or anyone make you feel inferior – NEVER!!! From today on, JetRed will adopt a different outlook – you bow down to NO ONE!!! (Tell them I say so! If they have a problem, come look for me!;) Don’t torment yourself being afraid of what he’ll think – who cares what he thinks!!! If you wanna call, go ahead, call him, gag/spit it all out in his face, then toss your hair back and walk away! Inside he’s just a scared insecure human being!! And this sex site thing….if you wanna check it out, go right ahead! Don’t be afraid that he’ll know – so what?! – you do whatever, he has no control over you!! Once you have the strength to proceed with the “I don’t give a hoot, I’ll do whatever I want, who gives a shit what you think!” attitude, their power over you is lose, gone, zilch, zap, zero!!!!
@Butterfly – “What you are saying is actually quite painful to other people, asking if they are still in love with their exes. NO they are deluded that they are and they are trying to recover. It sounds like this guy got sick of YOUR EU behaviour…”….Sorry I had no idea my comment was hurtful to anyone- forgive me. I was only sharing my own little experience. He got sick of my EU behavior? ME????? I’m the EU???? Am I?;(;(;( BTW, I read your story…you’re VERY STRONG & COURAGEOUS to walk away. I can only imagine a fraction of the pain you’re going through. I was in a similar situation once…eons ago/long story. And no u’re not harsh, I like that we’re able to speak freely in here without being judged. Perhaps I’m too new to realize the depth of everyone’s pain…the more I read, the more I’m learning…it breaks my heart, my story doesn’t even touch the surface. I really admire everyone’s strength.
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html
Wow. This kind of blew me away. Especially the end. Not that all (our) eums are Narcissists necessarily, but I don’t think any of us could deny the similarities to our relationships. Wow.
This article is about the victims.
Butterfly, I think you mentioned you don’t really like this site/guy
I know I’m kind of late in responding to this topic, but I’m so glad I found this site. Just wanted to share.
Im 3 months NC already!!!!! And before the maximun I could be without talking to him was 3 weeks.Im glad I could make it but sometimes I still have those moments where I miss him and wish he would contact me(he just tried it once since I started NC).But I think maybe is better he doesnt try because I dont know if Im strong enough to resist it.Anyway I just wish he would show he cares and that the love he said he felt for me is real.Yeah I know it wasnt since he is a EUM.Im just a bit nostagic today.
PJ the site is great and a good start point but I can smell narcissism now and it stinks when the sugar coating is gone trust me … guys have been quietly walked away from for too many compliments and sugar coating because I know what is under there. Too hot is not normal … too hot quite often says this guy is thinking “she’s the one!!!! at last SHE is perfect!!”. This is beyond red flag for me now, it’s get into the hazmat suit and take the anti-emotional vampire pills prophylactically!!
It’s the tone I don’t like and the fact that there is a sort of cult around this man which as he admits himself feeds his narc tendancies. Note that use of the word “victims”. I am no victim. I never have been a victim, just dealing with something I couldn’t understand that dovetailed with my own weaknesses. This was a SHIT experience, for years, but would I choose not to have had it now?
No way. Whatever the circumstances I’d have screwed up the same way with someone else because that was the best I could do at that time until I learned and saw. Now, I see this as a chance to grow in character and be there for others not in the FBG do-it-all for everyone but to really be there for them. I hope!
I’ve found more in depth and illuminating stuff, just by surfing, and particuarly by focussing on actual medical and psychiatric sites. You are absolutely right that not all EUM are narcs, nor are all EUW, and be careful that you are not immediately pigeonholing people because there’s other disorders that overlap … however …
It makes sense to me now, I have my closure. The way he said to me at the start “There has to be something wrong with you, it’s just too good to be true, so tell me what it is!” “I’m fat” “Is that ALL? Who cares about that?” (turns out he did … once he was blowing cold anyway, when he was blowing hot he didn’t give a damn). Everything … I was the one who could show him what it meant to FEEL love … but I can’t and that’s not my fault, no one can.
I feel really sorry for him now, truly, no matter what he has done to me. I really do forgive him but it’s so different – I feel no need to tell him, because quite apart from not wanting to re-engage with it all again (we know where that leads) there’s no point trying to tell him. A) He will be offended angry and hostile at ANY criticism and B) I have this very nice purple glass lamp from IKEA on my desk here. I think I will try to have a conversation about compassion with it … hmmm this lamp doesn’t seem able to communicate about it but I am having more success than I would with him.
Truly, the only answer is to walk away and not look back but to heal the darkness in your heart with forgiveness for what has happened, to them and to you … to accept that you were in love with someone acting “as if” they loved you because they have learned what to do and say but not how to think or feel … and then to maintain NC.
I can truly say now if he called me and I answered I’d just say “I hope you get everything you ever want in life but you have no part in mine. Goodbye”.
Something has changed inside now that I UNDERSTAND what has happened. My closure. Nothing would ever have been good and thank God I am here in this great crazy country and not alone and desperate in Chicago.
***
MC I’m glad you didn’t take offence, we are all strong and I do honestly think you’ve had a wake up call. Relationships are about give and take, we all treat people lightly when we are young but as we see these patterns become ingrained as we get older. Hugs xx
***
Today I am reclaiming. It’s mine, give it back! The songs which I was avoiding. The comedy, the films, the associations – things I enjoyed which were tainted, I am washing them
I need this site. Just stumbled on it while asking God to help me understand a crazy mofo. We did things together at his convenience. As though he was the only one with a job and the only one who has hard days of work. I work less hours and make more money than he does, so he demeans my job, and work schedule. Writes it off as meaningless.
Today is his birthday. Last time we spoke I asked him for sex when we were out at a club and he said, I am going home because I have this meeting tomorrow. bullshit. he frequently disappears and then returns for good sex with no questions ask. I broke the NC rule after not being available for him @6 weeks. after i gave in i never heard from him again. the rejection was killing me for a while. today is his birthday, i will get sweet revenge because i am not acknowleding it and will not call. last year when we were angry on his birthday and i didn’t call, when he saw me a week later he seemingly had tears in his eyes because i did not call. i felt so hurt thinking that all the other happy birthdays meant nothing if he did not hear it from me. i hate him for using me and am angry at myself for secretly waiting in the blinds for him to have this epiphany and come on back home. but if he does, at the surface we seem good, but at our core, we are just waisting each other’s time. meaning, we are good for sex, but have nothing to talk about immediately afterwards. by the way, he always closes his eyes when we are making love, never looks me in my eyes.
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