Thank you so much. Had a difficult day, but this information makes it not hurt so much today. I’m re-reading it all…don’t want to forget or miss any part of it. You all actually seem to hear me through the bits and pieces of my story that I can stand to share so far. I don’t know what I’d do without access to this site right now. You all are such lovely and brilliant ladies.

Thank you again.

You are so right about so many things; cheating not only harms but once it’s tainted a relationship it’s there to stay; it robs you of self-esteem, and it takes away both from you and the person you have wronged whether or not that person is aware of what happened. You are right that I have to make a choice and believe me I have tried. I have been suspended in limbo for two years now and all I seem to do is watch another day pass me by while I do nothing.

I’m not reveling in the sex adventure, though. One legacy I have from my parents is a pretty healthy attitude about sex: it’s what you do when you feel so close to someone that in addition to sharing your mind you want to experience them on another level. It’s not an act of revenge or frivolity, it is certainly never a poker hand to be played – or not – and it’s never had the allure of the forbidden for me because I think that physical intimacy grows out of emotional intimacy and you can only have that with one person at a time.

I didn’t go looking for emotional intimacy outside of my marriage. I thought I had peeled off for my husband as many layers as I ever would for anyone. He is a wonderful man who always listened and made it better, and after 10 years of marriage still always got up before me to make sure that he started my car for me and checked that I had remembered breakfast, keys, a winter jacket, and a laundry list of things to be done that he didn’t trust me to get done if not prodded. He meant all this from the heart. But sometimes, when we fought, he would express his frustration with all the ways in which I fell short of his ideal person. We would talk about it afterwards, when the heat of the moment passed, and it always boiled down to one thing – he said over and over that he had thought once we were married he would be able to work me free of my “irregularities”. The fact that I love dogs because they are straight shooters, that I can get lost in my studio for hours or stay up all night writing or reading with no regard to what the lack of sleep will do to me the following day. That it’s important for me to be liked. That I can’t cook because no one ever did in my house and I had traded domesticity for a demanding job, and I consider food as something your body bugs you about after you’ve run 15 miles (and this is why someone up there invented power bars). These were all weaknesses to be fixed. And I would say in return, over and over again, that I married him because of everything that he was, and loved him for his shortcomings, not in spite of them. And this was my definition of love.

I don’t really know what my point is here. None of this justifies the betrayal, I know. But I know exactly why I fell in love with “the bozo” – he gets me. He takes me as I am and doesn’t try to fix me. He relates to all the fears and understands that a part of me will never be able to mature because it shut down a very long time ago. I suppose you could apply the narcissist label to me in the sense that I do see myself through the eyes of everyone else and if there is no reflection of me to be found then I don’t really exist. He gets it because he got “broken” a very long time ago, too, and has spent the last 3 decades putting a fashionable stucco façade on the cracks.

Yes I should have left my husband if this was the case in the first place. I almost did, several times. But although I don’t really have any family and the concept of community is something I struggle with because I never really fit into one, I have always tried to do the right thing, and not because it allows me to like the person in the mirror, but because I don’t ever want anyone to suffer. And my husband said that he needed me. I’m really not trying to make excuses. I’m just saying that falling in love with someone else when you are married is not by definition a thoughtless act of a person with no scruples that feels some kind of sense of entitlement to do what she wants. It’s just falling in love.

Planet Jane, thank you for telling me that you had gone through something similar. I have been reading everyone’s posts here and you are all women with so much integrity, insight into who you are, and emotional maturity. I sit here and cheer you on as you forge ahead with NC to regain control of your life, and think that maybe I can, too. It’s lonely out here two thousand miles away from home and I’ve been carrying this secret for a very long time now. It helps to talk. For the first time in months today I went for a serious run and some of my former energy is starting to seep back in. I want to feel something good again. I had gone from trophy wife to a miserable exile and can’t say either one does much for me.

Nene, I’m hoping for the same tools here. You hit it right on the nail when you mentioned that feeling of something being off about your commitment issues. If I could turn my issues into stock options I would single-handedly lift the entire market out of recession… It helps to know that other women have been here too and that there is an “after” to this mess, even if you’re not able to define it yet.

Can I join in the group hug? I promise not to get EU cooties on anyone…

OK, I am getting concerned now. Do you know a bit about BDSM culture? Is there a way we can get each other`s emails? I’m not sure how that works on here. I have one under a male name that I used to communicate with my ex MM so his wife wouldn’t know about me, but I don’t want to post it on here, in case he ever found this site. I would FREAK if he read the things I have put on here!!

But I *am* very curious about what you know about people who are involved in this area.

Oh, and when he said `I`ve ruined your life` I think I just said something vague like `not really`. We had been drinking that night, and I don`t remember all the details`.

The thing that bothered me about the whole BDSM hints, is that he said he hadn`t slept with his wife for years, and yet he mentioned these `slave` ideas. So, I wondered who he might be acting this stuff out with, since it wasn`t with me!!! During one of these chats where he hinted about this, I came out and asked him if he was into S&M, and he said Ì`m not into anything`. He said he had read about these things. He just said something like `lots of things intrigue me`. And so that conversation ended. `So yes, Butterfly, now I am very curious about what other insight you may have in this area!!!

I always suspected that something was ‘off’ regarding my issues with commitment. And this site has truly given me the tools to heal my self-esteem and strengthen my character.

I’ve heard these words before and what I am interested in is what you said to him … he wanted to hear you ego stroke him and say he hadn’t, I suspect, not that it would actually change how he acted.

Maybe I should make a mail address to use here and then if you like you can contact me and I’ll give you a real one? I bet it gets more complex the more you look hon – and whilst I was making light with the kinky sex comment there are a LOT of very very very VERY fucked up people in that world.

“not everyone who likes some kinky sex is automatically a sick weirdo’

I fully understand this, but combined with the way he made me feel other times, and that he was well aware of BDSM lingo (I had to look it up when he mentioned it) made me feel very uncomfortable. I am very open sexually myself, but it was the overall tone of our relationship ( and the way he said “I’ve ruined your life” with a proud tone of voice), combined with his fantasies that gave me a sick feeling in my gut. Am I making sense here?

The ex has, I am sure, sociopathic tendancies.

However, as anyone who has dealt with the idealising/obsessional/devaluing/devolving/re-idealising/spiralling downward devalation cycle will tell you (and thanks for post aphrogirl because it IS bloody exhausting), it’s not quite so straightforward as “inferior”. Were that it was, we’d kick these morons to the kerb so much easier.

@ Meant not everyone who likes some kinky sex is automatically a sick weirdo

Jetred, THINK about this. He abused you! This alone speaks VOLUMES nevermind that he manipulated you to move and then dumped you for another woman. Solely based on this one experience it’s clear that this man is an abuser and you were abused. Regarding his psyche, this man likely has a disorder that goes beyond abuse and WAY BEYOND EUM!! From what you’ve posted he seems sadistic and dangerous and likely has a personality disorder that is beyond narcissism. It seems like he enjoys moving people around in his life like pieces on a chess board. He entertains himself in this way through manipulation and control.

Thank GOD you aren’t moved in with him. In time I know you will see this as the blessing that it truly is. A therapist could help you in a major way to understand what you’ve been through, help you break the bonds that tie you, and help you rebuild your self esteem and self confidence.

Stout (2005) states “One in twenty-five everyday Americans . . . is secretly a sociopath. And they can literally do anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt. One of their chief characteristics is a kind of glow or charisma that makes sociopaths more charming or interesting than the other people around them. They’re more spontaneous, more intense, more complex, or even sexier than everyone else , making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally, sociopaths are different because they cannot love. Sociopaths learn early on to sham emotion, but underneath they are indifferent to others’ suffering. They live to dominate and thrill to win.”

Reference:
Stout, M. (2005). The Sociopath Next Door. New York: Broadway Books

“Oops! I hope it didn’t sound like I was digging at you about your situation being preventable. I know that we all have our lessons to learn on here.” – I didn’t take it that way at all – just that you were sharing even more, which is great

@Jetred – “I just wondered if I was in love with someone who thought of me as an inferior being” – what a horrible thing to have to wonder. It doesn’t sound like he was respectful towards you, even at your most vulnerable time (when you were being “intimate” with him). Now I feel sorry for this woman he has decided to take up with, and I’m relieved for you that you are no longer with him. My ex would hint that he was interested in trying some bondage, or “slave and master” fantasies, but I never went along since I didn’t trust him enough, or feel that he respected me enough. The more I read and share, the more I realize we are dealing with sick men here… You suggested “insecure” – I think that’s an understatement! And I followed your thinking well – not flakey at all – thank you.

Jetred, thanks for the group hug

I have not been so active on her, I come back when I need a support boost but there is what I see in your story, and forgive me if I may have missed something big that takes me off the mark,

Many of us are here because we are mature, emotionally open people who became involved with someone who was less than honest, nor very open with us, and thus hurt us very deeply. The dishonesty and holding back is a betrayal of emotional intimacy. Being ” let go” in a callous and shallow way is really cruel behavior to exprience.

Maybe, maybe the other woman is the one for him. However, anyone with mature emotions in a mature relationship sees meeting someone else for what it is, and carefully evaluates what they are experiencing. The consider both womens’ feelings all the way and ends the one relationship in a most loving, respectful and clear manner, that does not leave the other person wondering in confusion about what happened.

Your recent comments reminded me that the EUM I was involved with was definitely power tripping with me. He is a mixed bundle of fear, distrust of women, stubborn and conservative thinking ( meaning not very willing and open to learning new ideas ) and he manipulated me by..idealizing and then devalued me, over and over. It took me way too long to figure out what was going on and it was emotioanlly manipulative and draining all along the way.

Anyway, if you have any worries about ” maybe It’s me “you I think the best plan is to work to be the opposite of how we define EUM, I am vigilant watching for sabotage and other dishonest behaviors in relationship that are based on fears and insecurities. I always seek to be centered, work to feel at peace with who I am, believe that I have much of great depth to give, and believe I do find others with that level of goodness to reciprocate. I am careful now when something does not feel right to pay close attention and explore that feeling.

I don’t want to seem like a dunce, but…well…HUH?