I would really like to meet a totally new AC to prove that they are now visible early on and need to be rejected. Or, as you put it, to step back and let them pass like an out of control truck. Doesn’t have to be a man necessarily, just anyone who fits the criteria, then I’ll know that my EU radar is in place for the future!

Well actually I’d rather never come across one again, but we know they’re still out there waiting for fresh supply. Yuk

I, too, have a mental “type” – you know, almost Heathcliffe blah de blah. But, peculiarly enough, I look back and see that I’ve made the most “unHeathcliffe” of men into the type, if it broke his limbs and mine to do so.

How do you take a 5’7″ alcoholic and turn him into “tall, dark, handsome, devoted and intense”?. Lol, this is some imagination I’ve got here, I can tell you. And I’ve done it 4 times!!!

And how do you break your heart when you finally can’t stand them so much you chuck them out???

There’s a dream somewhere inside some of us and I’d love to know where the hell it came from. I think in my case it’s a lot to do with just not having identified my own values, ideals, wants and boundaries. Have I been living on Planet Zog for the past 50 years?

Funny thing is that it’s a long, long time since I wanted a “Heathcliffe” – what a vile way to have to live: me and him alone out on the moors never mixing or meeting, gathering heather and talking to each other only…arrrrgh. No thanks.

It’s time to say to myself, “Forget the “type”. Forget the EUs, Ns and ACs that have been. If I actually do want someone, I’d better start with pinpointing who I am. I can work on the rest after I’ve got that figured”.

Best Regards, Leonine

Now dating is difficult. There are so many “things” to work around. Suddenly I have to be practical and smart instead of going with my heart. This is really a learning process for some of us older women. I’m not even sure where “type” and “interests” come in anymore. I’m too busy worrying how these guys will be with my kids – will they treat them well and respect them? Where does a mother start and a woman begin?

Jerks have a radar to undecided, unsure females too. Bleck. What a mess! Can you tell I’m depressed today?

TJ – this is awesome too –“deceit, anger, bitterness, emotional retardation, fear, cowardice, pettiness, a lack of integrity, and the admitted inability to love any human being?” I think we were in a relationship with the same person.

Am I being bitter by thinking these things about him though?

Second first date is with what seems to be a very decent guy who feels a lot less like familiar territory to me and isn´t someone who I would normally go out with. Very curious about how this will go.

I am pretty sure the first guy and me will have an attraction. And it will be interesting to try and step back from that and look before I cross the road (nice Butterfly ).

Thanks for this very timely post and all your comments!

It was a curious feeling for me, not a big ego/power trip, and not painful memories, and not huge danger signs. Just like … oh I dunno. Looking before you cross the road, seeing a speeding truck, making sure you are standing well back, seeing a blur of motion and then the way is clear again.

Yes, for a lot of us we were replaying old family issues, my AC is still looking for a new Mom.

Day 3 after meeting him I was sitting in his garden watching him fixing something and an incredible feeling of having come home hit me – and I just knew he was ‘the one’. It was the little me, adoring my father all over again, and AC was a replica of my father in many,many ways.

Only problem is my Dad is uber EUM, and made both his wives incredibly unhappy – talk about a red flag!!!

Of course I didn’t know anything about all of this at the time. I prided myself on being able to deal with ‘difficult’ men and definitely had a ‘type’. Only now do I see that I should run a mile next time I come across ‘my type’

Great post and comments, thanks

I also am starting to realise that I had things in common with my other ex mainly cos I felt like I should on some subconscious level – all makiing me think about my dad and my brother … not nice stuff but very helpful.

I think aphrogirl has underlined it with that last line though – fixing yourself is your own responsibility and yes with the right person working through your issues is wonderful (I am talking in theory, having made such bad choices). These people don’t have the courage, too.

“The fireworks we feel are just like NML says….the other person catering to our fears. I think subconsciously the butterflys in my tummy are a direct reaction to the EUM and it screams “this feels so familiar but I’m praying this time I can get it right”.

know whats weird about my one EUM experience?

Early on my heart would pound when I saw him, and that has never happened to be before and I was so curious about that feeling. There were enough red flags that I recognized the heartbeat as some sort of nervousness, and only developed a friendship with him. But towards the end I realized he was my mom come back to haunt me, And I was him Mom, he was always seeking praise and approval from me and I am not that sort of person, just like his mom was probably not.

See, there was a strong connection and I thought the connection might be related to romantic love, but also knew there was something unhealthy enough that it had to be only friends til it got sorted out. But oh did I hope that I could make my mom’s death right by helping him. And I bet he wished I could have made his mom issues right with him.

Think my point is that common interests can also include attraction to the old family of origin stuff. I used to think this stuff best avoided like the plague but I now think it can be an incredible opportunity for growth and reslotion in a mature, intelligent relationship.

But with EUM/AC’s, you will never get there because they do not have the will, ability and/ or intelligence to work on it.

“The audition NEVER ended, and of course I was never cast.” Well, I hear someone else’s guy snoring away through the ceiling. Being single has its compensations!!!

“vying for their affection and auditioning for the role as their long-term partner.”

I felt like a trained monkey with my exEUM! The audition NEVER ended, and of course I was never cast.

@Butterfly – “my reaction is amusement at the predictability of these kinds of men” …I laughed when I read this for the simple reason that the guy has no idea that you are now better armed to see through BS. I *love* how we are all becoming stronger, our BS detectors are becoming finer tuned, and we are setting our boundaries. Nice to be able to laugh at the pathetic boy-men instead of getting sucked in by their antics.

By the way, I saw a beautiful butterfly today, and thought of you. Hope you’re having a great day!