Comments on: Compatability, Your Type, and Common Interests Part Two http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:33:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Meant to be Happy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237086 Meant to be Happy Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:58:37 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237086 @Serena - just wanted to let you know that some of us have responded to your "EUM on your doorstep" post over on "Compatibility part 3" :) Hugs... @Serena – just wanted to let you know that some of us have responded to your “EUM on your doorstep” post over on “Compatibility part 3″ :) Hugs…

]]> By: Serena http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237081 Serena Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:23:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237081 @Butterfly -- I'm not so sure this gets me my man. He's got EUM baggage and although he may be glimpsing at it, he may never change. The fact is that ther's got to be something concrete (like 10 sessions of therapy) and an ackowledgement that he knows he's carrying this distinct baggage before I will re-engage. Right now all I know is that he accepted responsibility that the problem is his. He's talking to some male friends about it. He says he made a mistake. Says I'm one of a kind. Says he doesn't know if he should have come because it stirred the pot. He doesn't know if he should let me go. (There's the ole ambivalence!!) There's nothing truly substantive in any of it. So, really he's still in the same EUM boat as far as I can see. I may have given him a glimpse in the mirror of his reflection, but all changes rest squarely with him. I don't know if he's got it in him. But what I do know is that he can't slip back in with me unless its under my "new rules!!" and mmy expectations of what I WANT, NEED, AND EXPECT from a relationship. It's a heck of alot of work for him to do and I don't know if he can "man-up!" I just so HOPE I don't start getting back to a state of obsessing about fantasy land!! @Butterfly — I’m not so sure this gets me my man. He’s got EUM baggage and although he may be glimpsing at it, he may never change. The fact is that ther’s got to be something concrete (like 10 sessions of therapy) and an ackowledgement that he knows he’s carrying this distinct baggage before I will re-engage. Right now all I know is that he accepted responsibility that the problem is his. He’s talking to some male friends about it. He says he made a mistake. Says I’m one of a kind. Says he doesn’t know if he should have come because it stirred the pot. He doesn’t know if he should let me go. (There’s the ole ambivalence!!) There’s nothing truly substantive in any of it. So, really he’s still in the same EUM boat as far as I can see. I may have given him a glimpse in the mirror of his reflection, but all changes rest squarely with him. I don’t know if he’s got it in him. But what I do know is that he can’t slip back in with me unless its under my “new rules!!” and mmy expectations of what I WANT, NEED, AND EXPECT from a relationship. It’s a heck of alot of work for him to do and I don’t know if he can “man-up!” I just so HOPE I don’t start getting back to a state of obsessing about fantasy land!!

]]> By: Butterfly http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237062 Butterfly Mon, 03 Aug 2009 07:39:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237062 Serena, that was wonderful, truly. I really admire you for saying what is at the heart of the matter, and it made me think to: normal people DON'T leave a relationship when it is at it's peak. This must have taken so much strength :) I once had someone turn up on my doorstep JUST as I had forgotten about him. I obviously had sense in the past though, my response was very cool and calm and collected then and I told him he was bang out of order and to go away (he couldn't tell the truth to save his life). This makes me ask how I, who was always so together, ended up with two EUMs/NPD people in a row right after that? Hmmmm. Anyway Serena, stay strong. Stay very strong. Maybe this gets you your man but I'd say be very very careful because he clearly knows how to push buttons. You are seeing him as he is ... but they can morph too, you know, then just revert to type (been there done that with the one I was with for 10 years). Wishing you love and peace :) Serena, that was wonderful, truly. I really admire you for saying what is at the heart of the matter, and it made me think to: normal people DON’T leave a relationship when it is at it’s peak. This must have taken so much strength :)

I once had someone turn up on my doorstep JUST as I had forgotten about him. I obviously had sense in the past though, my response was very cool and calm and collected then and I told him he was bang out of order and to go away (he couldn’t tell the truth to save his life).

This makes me ask how I, who was always so together, ended up with two EUMs/NPD people in a row right after that? Hmmmm.

Anyway Serena, stay strong. Stay very strong. Maybe this gets you your man but I’d say be very very careful because he clearly knows how to push buttons. You are seeing him as he is … but they can morph too, you know, then just revert to type (been there done that with the one I was with for 10 years).

Wishing you love and peace :)

]]> By: Serena http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237051 Serena Mon, 03 Aug 2009 05:43:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237051 @Wised_Up -- I haven't bought into the fantasy becasue nothing was promised. It did feel good though to have control of the conversation, say what I had to say and re-establishing direct and greater boundaries. But in the end, there were no promises and he still the same ole ASS-EUM and that is the way I will think of him until such time that he comes to me with something much more substantive in the way of change. Long term therapy comes to mind!! It WAS an ego boost for me but I have to be careful not to let it rekindle hope and interfere with my healing process. In answer to your question, he's not promising a committed relationship and still hedging becasue he's still a commitment phobic EUM. I do think he's at least begun to look at his behavior more honestly now, likely having to do with his age and desire tor setlle down. HOWEVER, I'm not betting my life or holding my life up based on this because the changes could come too late for me, if at all. All I know is somebodies got him thinking, and it's not me. He says he has male friends he talks to. I also didn't suck into his charm and flirtation. He makes these little faces with his eyes and mouth. He was doing it and I said, "Oh, is that what you do to attract Mary, how 'bout Sue, or Allison, . . . Ashley or Alysa??" He said I do this when I'm confused." I said, "No you don't, when you're confused you do this (I made his confused face). (The names are all made up. I was just busting his balls regarding knowing he was attempting to charm me with his flirtations). @Wised_Up — I haven’t bought into the fantasy becasue nothing was promised. It did feel good though to have control of the conversation, say what I had to say and re-establishing direct and greater boundaries. But in the end, there were no promises and he still the same ole ASS-EUM and that is the way I will think of him until such time that he comes to me with something much more substantive in the way of change. Long term therapy comes to mind!! It WAS an ego boost for me but I have to be careful not to let it rekindle hope and interfere with my healing process. In answer to your question, he’s not promising a committed relationship and still hedging becasue he’s still a commitment phobic EUM. I do think he’s at least begun to look at his behavior more honestly now, likely having to do with his age and desire tor setlle down. HOWEVER, I’m not betting my life or holding my life up based on this because the changes could come too late for me, if at all. All I know is somebodies got him thinking, and it’s not me. He says he has male friends he talks to. I also didn’t suck into his charm and flirtation. He makes these little faces with his eyes and mouth. He was doing it and I said, “Oh, is that what you do to attract Mary, how ’bout Sue, or Allison, . . . Ashley or Alysa??” He said I do this when I’m confused.” I said, “No you don’t, when you’re confused you do this (I made his confused face). (The names are all made up. I was just busting his balls regarding knowing he was attempting to charm me with his flirtations).

]]> By: Wised_Up http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237045 Wised_Up Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:14:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237045 Serena, It's so hard to know what's ever truly running through the minds of these men, but one thing that's clear from your post is that his appearance on your doorstep really jarred you. And I think that's only natural; after all, you're in the grieving/processing stage and you're still working through what happened.... More importantly, this is the fantasy that every (or at least most) woman has when a man either ends the relationship himself or brings about the end of a relationship with bad behavior, i.e. that he'll reappear, promising change and telling us how special we are! Not that I doubt that you're wonderful, but the guy I was involved with also once told me that he realized I was one of a kind...My ultimate point here: these are empty words. Sure, people can make mistakes and not appreciate what they have until it's gone (this is a cliched statement for a reason, after all), but my question is this: If he was really recognized your worth, why didn't he come back promising a committed relationship? Why was he still hedging? I realize that you didn't post everything that you both said to each other, but if the conversation was (as you said) still circular and baffling on some level, then he doesn't seem any more ready than he was 5 weeks ago. Granted, he says he's talking to people about this, but who precisely (friends? professionals?)? And if their words were really getting through to him, why doesn't he trust you (I understand that Moscow wasn't built in a day, but still....his level of emotional insight and self-knowledge still seems pretty superficial)? I know you only from your posts, but I can safely say that I think you deserve better than this. :) If he was really interested in _you_, he would respected your wishes for "no contact" and have come back only after he had worked through his issues or had something concrete to offer you. Given the price of gas these days, it's lovely that he decided to stop by, but talk's cheap. In my opinion, he's all potential, little substance. Serena,

It’s so hard to know what’s ever truly running through the minds of these men, but one thing that’s clear from your post is that his appearance on your doorstep really jarred you. And I think that’s only natural; after all, you’re in the grieving/processing stage and you’re still working through what happened….

More importantly, this is the fantasy that every (or at least most) woman has when a man either ends the relationship himself or brings about the end of a relationship with bad behavior, i.e. that he’ll reappear, promising change and telling us how special we are! Not that I doubt that you’re wonderful, but the guy I was involved with also once told me that he realized I was one of a kind…My ultimate point here: these are empty words. Sure, people can make mistakes and not appreciate what they have until it’s gone (this is a cliched statement for a reason, after all), but my question is this: If he was really recognized your worth, why didn’t he come back promising a committed relationship? Why was he still hedging? I realize that you didn’t post everything that you both said to each other, but if the conversation was (as you said) still circular and baffling on some level, then he doesn’t seem any more ready than he was 5 weeks ago.

Granted, he says he’s talking to people about this, but who precisely (friends? professionals?)? And if their words were really getting through to him, why doesn’t he trust you (I understand that Moscow wasn’t built in a day, but still….his level of emotional insight and self-knowledge still seems pretty superficial)?

I know you only from your posts, but I can safely say that I think you deserve better than this. :) If he was really interested in _you_, he would respected your wishes for “no contact” and have come back only after he had worked through his issues or had something concrete to offer you. Given the price of gas these days, it’s lovely that he decided to stop by, but talk’s cheap. In my opinion, he’s all potential, little substance.

]]> By: Serena http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237040 Serena Mon, 03 Aug 2009 03:28:00 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237040 @everybody. MY EX-EUM SHOWED UP ON MY DOORSTEP TONIGHT!! I CAN'T believe it. It's been 5 weeks no contact! It was another f'd up circular conversation in some ways but I took control and got my points across. I told him how he hurt me, how he broke my heart, how blowing hot and cold was/is a mind fu&^ and gave precise examples of this beahvior. I told him how I opened my heart to him and he trampled it. I told him how he worked to sabatage this relationship when it was at its peak. He expressed that he doesn't know if he made a mistake, doesn't know if letting me go is the right thing to do yada yada yada. We talked alot and I remained strong and didn't cave. I told him that it is abnormal to leave a relationship at the peak when everything is good, that normal people leave when things go sour due to betrayal or irreconcilable differences. I told him that people that bail when things are good generally have issues taking it to the next level due to deep rooted issues centered on fear that if they give their heart, that they will be hurt in some way. I told him that these issues can come from abandonment or hurt from past relationships. I told him that I trusted him, and that I'm trustworthy, yet he didn't trust me and he's not trustworthy, and how ass backwards that is. He admitted he didn't trust me but had no logical reason why. I told him that calling our relationship abnormal tells me he's never had a normal relationship. Then he said, maybe the problem is all with him. I said the problem is definately all with him, my heart was open, it was him who couldn't open his heart due to fear and that's what was causing his "gut reaction," not me and not the relationship. I told him his "gut reaction" and anxiety had to do with fear to take it to the next level, not me or our relationship. He said he has some people he is talking to about this. GOOD, I hope they're giving him good advice! Anyway, I asked him what he wanted out of the relationship. He said, then, now, or later and then couldn't answer when pressed. He said, "You're one of a kind." I said, "Yes I am and you will not find someone like me ever again. I asked him if his intent on stopping to see me was to get his ego stroked. He was offended by this. I told him that I had made it clear that I won't be his friend, that I would not accept a demotion from girlfriend to friend or FB or anything else. I told him that the only way that I will engage with him is if he wants to truly commit to making this relationship work as couple. When he left he went to hug me. I asked him if this was a friendly hug because if it was I didn't want to hug him. He then went to hug me again, I said the only way I will hug you is if we're a couple and I turned and left. There was LOTS more than this but it certainly rattled my cage! I'm pretty calm right now and made my boundaries clear. I would be willing to give it another go but only with some SERIOUS therapeutic intervention that he so sorely needs. I think at this point he's actually questioning himself but who knows! I just don't want to let myself get sucked into false hope for this relationship and start a cycle of obsessing about him again. So, I won't!! I'll continue to move on. The balls in his court and he's completely clear as to what he needs to do to re-enter my life namely, work to resolve his EUM and commitment phobic issues. Rright now I feel good about things. I hope I feel the same way in the morning! Comments PLEASE!! @everybody. MY EX-EUM SHOWED UP ON MY DOORSTEP TONIGHT!! I CAN’T believe it. It’s been 5 weeks no contact! It was another f’d up circular conversation in some ways but I took control and got my points across. I told him how he hurt me, how he broke my heart, how blowing hot and cold was/is a mind fu&^ and gave precise examples of this beahvior. I told him how I opened my heart to him and he trampled it. I told him how he worked to sabatage this relationship when it was at its peak. He expressed that he doesn’t know if he made a mistake, doesn’t know if letting me go is the right thing to do yada yada yada. We talked alot and I remained strong and didn’t cave. I told him that it is abnormal to leave a relationship at the peak when everything is good, that normal people leave when things go sour due to betrayal or irreconcilable differences. I told him that people that bail when things are good generally have issues taking it to the next level due to deep rooted issues centered on fear that if they give their heart, that they will be hurt in some way. I told him that these issues can come from abandonment or hurt from past relationships. I told him that I trusted him, and that I’m trustworthy, yet he didn’t trust me and he’s not trustworthy, and how ass backwards that is. He admitted he didn’t trust me but had no logical reason why. I told him that calling our relationship abnormal tells me he’s never had a normal relationship. Then he said, maybe the problem is all with him. I said the problem is definately all with him, my heart was open, it was him who couldn’t open his heart due to fear and that’s what was causing his “gut reaction,” not me and not the relationship. I told him his “gut reaction” and anxiety had to do with fear to take it to the next level, not me or our relationship. He said he has some people he is talking to about this. GOOD, I hope they’re giving him good advice! Anyway, I asked him what he wanted out of the relationship. He said, then, now, or later and then couldn’t answer when pressed. He said, “You’re one of a kind.” I said, “Yes I am and you will not find someone like me ever again. I asked him if his intent on stopping to see me was to get his ego stroked. He was offended by this. I told him that I had made it clear that I won’t be his friend, that I would not accept a demotion from girlfriend to friend or FB or anything else. I told him that the only way that I will engage with him is if he wants to truly commit to making this relationship work as couple. When he left he went to hug me. I asked him if this was a friendly hug because if it was I didn’t want to hug him. He then went to hug me again, I said the only way I will hug you is if we’re a couple and I turned and left. There was LOTS more than this but it certainly rattled my cage! I’m pretty calm right now and made my boundaries clear. I would be willing to give it another go but only with some SERIOUS therapeutic intervention that he so sorely needs. I think at this point he’s actually questioning himself but who knows! I just don’t want to let myself get sucked into false hope for this relationship and start a cycle of obsessing about him again. So, I won’t!! I’ll continue to move on. The balls in his court and he’s completely clear as to what he needs to do to re-enter my life namely, work to resolve his EUM and commitment phobic issues. Rright now I feel good about things. I hope I feel the same way in the morning! Comments PLEASE!!

]]> By: Butterfly http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237017 Butterfly Sun, 02 Aug 2009 21:09:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237017 I'm just going by what you say Janet - for example, when you said that we had to agree to disagree this was a statement expecting compliance or argument. I'm not going to post again, because my intention is not to argue or be personal - and at the end of the day, we all have our own paths to walk. I continue to wish you well. I’m just going by what you say Janet – for example, when you said that we had to agree to disagree this was a statement expecting compliance or argument. I’m not going to post again, because my intention is not to argue or be personal – and at the end of the day, we all have our own paths to walk. I continue to wish you well.

]]> By: Janet http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-237010 Janet Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:42:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-237010 Butterfly – this site DOES resonate with me. Just because I don’t agree with your assessment of me doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate this site. I simply don’t agree with what YOU had to say about my post, not the entire site in general. I’m sure you mean well – but your POV isn’t mine, that’s all. You continue to mention I have EUW behavior. You don’t even know me so you can’t even begin to give that type of armchair analysis of who I am as a person. Butterfly – this site DOES resonate with me. Just because I don’t agree with your assessment of me doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate this site. I simply don’t agree with what YOU had to say about my post, not the entire site in general.

I’m sure you mean well – but your POV isn’t mine, that’s all.

You continue to mention I have EUW behavior. You don’t even know me so you can’t even begin to give that type of armchair analysis of who I am as a person.

]]> By: Meant to be Happy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236983 Meant to be Happy Sun, 02 Aug 2009 14:07:43 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236983 @Serena - "Now that I understand it, the confusion is gone and I can move beyond it. " - that's great! and 5 weeks of NC under your belt is fantastic too. Please *do not* sign up for his harem!!! @Wised_Up - "Next time around, I not only know what I won’t tolerate and the signs of such behavior, but, more importantly, I have a solid idea of what I want." - fantastic!!! And best of luck to you in grad school - I remember that as a very busy time, but also very rewarding :) @Serena – “Now that I understand it, the confusion is gone and I can move beyond it. ” – that’s great! and 5 weeks of NC under your belt is fantastic too. Please *do not* sign up for his harem!!!

@Wised_Up – “Next time around, I not only know what I won’t tolerate and the signs of such behavior, but, more importantly, I have a solid idea of what I want.” – fantastic!!! And best of luck to you in grad school – I remember that as a very busy time, but also very rewarding :)

]]> By: Butterfly http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236968 Butterfly Sun, 02 Aug 2009 09:41:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236968 @ Janet well that's ok with me sweetheart. I agree that everyone has their own way but let me ask you this, and it is absolutely rhetorical. If this site doesn't resonate to you, and the advice you are given is not what you want to hear, why are you here? I don't read forums about fly fishing or stamp collecting and then post on them saying "I don't agree with you". Take that as you will, because you are not open to other people's points of view and if I was a guy I'd run a mile from the EUW behaviour. Sorry, I know you don't like this being said either by me or by your friend but it's your life and your choice and I wish you well. In fact I nick the line from Wised Up: "And I wish you the best of luck as well; 20, 30 40, or even, let’s say, 85, it’s never too late for positive change (I’ll always be an optimist, at least when it comes to things like this)." @ Janet well that’s ok with me sweetheart. I agree that everyone has their own way but let me ask you this, and it is absolutely rhetorical. If this site doesn’t resonate to you, and the advice you are given is not what you want to hear, why are you here? I don’t read forums about fly fishing or stamp collecting and then post on them saying “I don’t agree with you”. Take that as you will, because you are not open to other people’s points of view and if I was a guy I’d run a mile from the EUW behaviour. Sorry, I know you don’t like this being said either by me or by your friend but it’s your life and your choice and I wish you well. In fact I nick the line from Wised Up:
“And I wish you the best of luck as well; 20, 30 40, or even, let’s say, 85, it’s never too late for positive change (I’ll always be an optimist, at least when it comes to things like this).”

]]> By: Janet http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236947 Janet Sun, 02 Aug 2009 04:51:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236947 Butterfly - we'll agree to disagree. I don't feel my post was defensive. Like I said my way isn't for everyone. This site is for all women. We all have our own way. You date your way and I'll date my way. Butterfly – we’ll agree to disagree. I don’t feel my post was defensive. Like I said my way isn’t for everyone. This site is for all women. We all have our own way. You date your way and I’ll date my way.

]]> By: Wised_Up http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236927 Wised_Up Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:37:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236927 @ Meant to be Happy: Thank you for your kind words and support! And I wish you the best of luck as well; 20, 30 40, or even, let's say, 85, it's never too late for positive change (I'll always be an optimist, at least when it comes to things like this). Even though I initiated NC before finding this site, I didn't truly experience my breakthrough until after I started reading NML's posts and everybody's comments. I have really been taking the time this summer to think about myself, what I want, working and getting things in order for the upcoming semester (I'm in graduate school and so my life revolves around the academic calendar) visiting friends and family and just enjoying life. And it's funny (in a good way) because I feel I can really see a difference in myself...There's a calm to my life that I'm really enjoying. I need stability in order to function well and it's so true that if our gut/sixth sense is telling us that something is off (feeling nervous, anxious, overly excited/impatient, uncomfortable), then it's best to just walk away. No other person I've dated or none of my other friends (at least the friendships that have been real and have lasted) have ever made me feel this way. And now I don't think anybody will again (I've made several changes since cutting contact with him, also refusing to engage with other people--female "friends"--who seemingly lack empathy, are comfortable disrespecting me and other people on a regular basis and who just don't enrich my life. Yep, I'm establishing boundaries...and the great thing is that I've realized I can still be nice to people while doing it). I think I really lost perspective and wasn't taking care of myself when I allowed this person--EUM or simply an immature 23 year old? I wonder if there's a difference?--to enter my life...I was busy with work (overworked really), not sleeping well (stress related), ill several times and just plain exhausted. I wasn't loving myself (even he commented on this occasionally, telling me I needed to sleep more, etc.) and he just fit into this overall pattern of negativity. Next time around, I not only know what I won't tolerate and the signs of such behavior, but, more importantly, I have a solid idea of what I want. If he's read "War and Peace," great! But if he hasn't and he's a genuinely nice guy, that won't be the end of the world... I just might buy him a copy for Christmas. :) @ Meant to be Happy: Thank you for your kind words and support! And I wish you the best of luck as well; 20, 30 40, or even, let’s say, 85, it’s never too late for positive change (I’ll always be an optimist, at least when it comes to things like this).

Even though I initiated NC before finding this site, I didn’t truly experience my breakthrough until after I started reading NML’s posts and everybody’s comments. I have really been taking the time this summer to think about myself, what I want, working and getting things in order for the upcoming semester (I’m in graduate school and so my life revolves around the academic calendar) visiting friends and family and just enjoying life. And it’s funny (in a good way) because I feel I can really see a difference in myself…There’s a calm to my life that I’m really enjoying. I need stability in order to function well and it’s so true that if our gut/sixth sense is telling us that something is off (feeling nervous, anxious, overly excited/impatient, uncomfortable), then it’s best to just walk away. No other person I’ve dated or none of my other friends (at least the friendships that have been real and have lasted) have ever made me feel this way. And now I don’t think anybody will again (I’ve made several changes since cutting contact with him, also refusing to engage with other people–female “friends”–who seemingly lack empathy, are comfortable disrespecting me and other people on a regular basis and who just don’t enrich my life. Yep, I’m establishing boundaries…and the great thing is that I’ve realized I can still be nice to people while doing it).

I think I really lost perspective and wasn’t taking care of myself when I allowed this person–EUM or simply an immature 23 year old? I wonder if there’s a difference?–to enter my life…I was busy with work (overworked really), not sleeping well (stress related), ill several times and just plain exhausted. I wasn’t loving myself (even he commented on this occasionally, telling me I needed to sleep more, etc.) and he just fit into this overall pattern of negativity. Next time around, I not only know what I won’t tolerate and the signs of such behavior, but, more importantly, I have a solid idea of what I want. If he’s read “War and Peace,” great! But if he hasn’t and he’s a genuinely nice guy, that won’t be the end of the world… I just might buy him a copy for Christmas. :)

]]> By: Butterfly http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236919 Butterfly Sat, 01 Aug 2009 18:49:27 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236919 I don't mean to be critical Janet, but your response is pretty defensive. I really really REALLY REALLY recommend NML's book hon. Truly, and said with love for a fellow woman. There's so many things in this thread!!! Telling people you are an arsehole and getting off on it ... yep. Classic behaviour from my ex who did exactly the same (I just never thought it would apply to me). Watch how the guy treats your waiter/waitress if you want a real clue - this rich guy I was on about before was so dismissive with the staff here when we went out (despite him not speaking the language ... he truly embarassed me with the equivalent of clicking his fingers and calling a waiter "garcon" in France) - I don't much care to talk to him again even really. I don’t mean to be critical Janet, but your response is pretty defensive. I really really REALLY REALLY recommend NML’s book hon. Truly, and said with love for a fellow woman.

There’s so many things in this thread!!! Telling people you are an arsehole and getting off on it … yep. Classic behaviour from my ex who did exactly the same (I just never thought it would apply to me). Watch how the guy treats your waiter/waitress if you want a real clue – this rich guy I was on about before was so dismissive with the staff here when we went out (despite him not speaking the language … he truly embarassed me with the equivalent of clicking his fingers and calling a waiter “garcon” in France) – I don’t much care to talk to him again even really.

]]> By: Janet http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236914 Janet Sat, 01 Aug 2009 17:08:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236914 Butterly, my way isn’t for everyone. Yes 20 minutes. A man knows within a few seconds if he’s attracted to you. He also knows within 5 minutes if he wants to spend time with you again. Men will talk and talk and talk to a woman to flatter HIS ego. Then you’ve spent all this time with him whereas someone who is really into you couldn’t or wouldn’t approach you because the talker was around. Unavailability? Not at all. I’m very friendly and approachable. People talk to me all the time. I’m very easy going. I act like a lady but I think like a man in dating. Growing and blooming naturally within the dating context is one thing. I’m not going to teach a man how to date me. Nature put it in a man’s genes that if he wants to procreate and have a family he has to act and set the wheels in motion. Actually I’m not a dating cycle at all. I haven’t had a date in a while. I broke with a knucklehead last year and had one date since. I’ve spent this time reexamining my patterns and why I did what I did. That is why I’ve come to this conclusion that my way works for me. This time I want a good man, not a “good for now” man. As far as men being shy? There are men that are shy, sure, however, if a man is really really interested in you, he approaches you, if not, I’ll be free to meet someone who is willing to stick his neck out and ask me out. Butterly, my way isn’t for everyone.

Yes 20 minutes. A man knows within a few seconds if he’s attracted to you. He also knows within 5 minutes if he wants to spend time with you again. Men will talk and talk and talk to a woman to flatter HIS ego. Then you’ve spent all this time with him whereas someone who is really into you couldn’t or wouldn’t approach you because the talker was around.

Unavailability? Not at all. I’m very friendly and approachable. People talk to me all the time. I’m very easy going. I act like a lady but I think like a man in dating.

Growing and blooming naturally within the dating context is one thing. I’m not going to teach a man how to date me. Nature put it in a man’s genes that if he wants to procreate and have a family he has to act and set the wheels in motion.

Actually I’m not a dating cycle at all. I haven’t had a date in a while. I broke with a knucklehead last year and had one date since. I’ve spent this time reexamining my patterns and why I did what I did. That is why I’ve come to this conclusion that my way works for me. This time I want a good man, not a “good for now” man.

As far as men being shy? There are men that are shy, sure, however, if a man is really really interested in you, he approaches you, if not, I’ll be free to meet someone who is willing to stick his neck out and ask me out.

]]> By: Serena http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/comment-page-2/#comment-236913 Serena Sat, 01 Aug 2009 16:56:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/compatability-your-type-and-common-interests-part-two/#comment-236913 @Meant to Be Happy & @ Butterfly -- I went to bed last night and BINGO!! the lightbulb went on for me with regard to the behavior described in my recent post!! He was trying to "manage the relationship down" from Smokin' HOT (one week together 24/7, we became too close for HIS comfort) to Ice COLD and I took it to mean a breakup! That's why he acted shocked!! He was just following his usual pattern. Now that I understand it, the confusion is gone and I can move beyond it. The many epiphanies I'm gaining into the relationship from visiting this site are bringing me such a sense of peace and calm. @Meant to be Happy -- Yes, I am NC and it's been 5 weeks tomorrow. I'm surprised that he's left me alone for this length of time. Perhaps it's because he is very clear that I will not be a fallback girl of the friends or FWB variety. Or. . . maybe he thinks that he'll just give me some time to cool down and then attempt to indoctrinate me into his harem. YUCK!! @Meant to Be Happy & @ Butterfly — I went to bed last night and BINGO!! the lightbulb went on for me with regard to the behavior described in my recent post!! He was trying to “manage the relationship down” from Smokin’ HOT (one week together 24/7, we became too close for HIS comfort) to Ice COLD and I took it to mean a breakup! That’s why he acted shocked!! He was just following his usual pattern. Now that I understand it, the confusion is gone and I can move beyond it. The many epiphanies I’m gaining into the relationship from visiting this site are bringing me such a sense of peace and calm.

@Meant to be Happy — Yes, I am NC and it’s been 5 weeks tomorrow. I’m surprised that he’s left me alone for this length of time. Perhaps it’s because he is very clear that I will not be a fallback girl of the friends or FWB variety. Or. . . maybe he thinks that he’ll just give me some time to cool down and then attempt to indoctrinate me into his harem. YUCK!!

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