“Turns out it takes a good bit of work to come out of the fantasy.” – this is an understatement!

@Butterfly (and cece) – I agree with your advice to cece. Exercise is a great way to get rid of the effects of negative feelings on the body. Personally, I don’t have the discipline to go to a gym regularly, but I really enjoy dance classes as a way to work out, so really, whatever form of exercise floats your boat is great. I am *never* in a bad mood after dance class! And Butterfly, I know you said you have been good with going to the gym, and that you have lost some weight because *you* wanted to, not for any man, which is fantastic. I am not surprised your friends describe you as warm and kind and open, as that’s how you come across in your comments to others on here.

@Snook – “All’s fair in love and war and sometimes a dose of medicine needs to administered to people like this – now if only I had a dominatrix outfit -but then he’d probably like it too much!” – yes, I suspect my ex would like that, too! Or maybe something to tie *me* up with… (ewww)

@Planet Jane – I also feel that rage sometimes, and imagine ways in which I could let him know how angry I am about how he has treated me. But then, 10 minutes later, I feel like emailing him to ask him a question about a hobby that we’re both interested in. So I don’t know *what* stage of the grieving process I’m in!!! I’m a little confused

I think maybe Im not ready yet too after all I just started working on my self esteem,having boundaries and so on but I dont like the idea of being alone.All my life I had been involved with a guy being it a relationship or just daydreaming about a guy I was in love with (so still emotionaly invested and having a relationship with him on my head).Maybe that is why I got where Im now? Sometimes I think I should just forget about relationships for a while but for me that is so hard to do.

I’m feeling very strong at the moment about a man who did the bait and switch thing with me. He seemed interested in the conventional sense and then just wanted to be friends which I accepted. He is of a practical bent and has helped me with a number of things and I’ve done the same for him. The thing is he’s continued the flirty-flirty thing but if I’d responded he would probably go “I’m not that kind of friend”. So he’d get to have a bit of a flirt but could then do the touch me not thing if it suited him.

I’ve been playing it very cool with him but some more information has come to light that I think means he has a string of female ‘friends’ like this including an old friend (read ex) who is a massage therapist that he goes to once a week for a massage (a standing appointment). I think either one or both of them isn’t being honest about what they want because a massage is a very intimate thing to receive from just a friend. Hell I don’t massage any of my male friends who visit me.

Anyway last night I came home from a meeting with my daughter in tow and there he was waiting in my driveway waiting to return some of my stuff he had borrowed. I offered him a coffee and was cordial but cool. I was then regaled with his masseuse friend’s massage technique. Talk about the ultimate show-off. I said to him it sounded plain weird and kinky. So yeah, he came around for a stroke.

Now I’m just over this stuff and am going to let the friendship lapse as we don’t have regular contact and it’s usually only by text or email and I feel so strong because I’m not interested – not even as a friend -heck he can hump the neighbour’s dog until his tongue falls out for all I care.

During the conversation the talk turned to fixing stuff and he just had to do the “wanna screw?” joke. If my daughter had been at her Dad’s I’d have straddled him and said, “OK, cowboy – let’s do it – right here, right now,” looked him straight in the eye and then would have backed off saying “just kidding.” He probably would’ve freaked but it would be so funny, ’cause I could trip him up on the way out the door.

Got a date this weekend with a guy who is 29 (I’m 44) who is cool with my age – anyway it’s just a date, not marriage. You can’t imagine how much I’m looking forward to some hopefully pleasant male company even if things don’t move forward and I won’t be backwards in coming forwards in telling this guy about it if he contacts me – will give him something to think about.

All’s fair in love and war and sometimes a dose of medicine needs to administered to people like this – now if only I had a dominatrix outfit -but then he’d probably like it too much!

To Lisa and Planet Janet – sometimes it is lonely especially if you have a lot to offer but it’s better to have your own heart and soul intact rather than gamble them on useless tossers and let’s face we’ve all been there a lot.

If you contact HIM and chase him even to tell him that he is hurting you then you are stroking his ego. Yep, weird as it seems, you are giving him attention and telling him that you are still into him.

Unlike you ladies I am not “average”, being that I am fat I am noticeable in this day and age. Even if I wasn’t fat, I’m noticable and memorable, apparently. I treasure what people say about me, that I am always cheerful (don’t feel it!), that I am warm and kind and that they feel safe with me because I am open. In my job that’s crucial …

Actually again @ cece – honey, join the gym. Make yourself go there. Use the sauna and steam rooms, the jacuzzi. Trust me, it will help, your body is experiencing “flight or fight” and working out really is very very therapeutic. Go for a walk on a nice day, with your ipod, and maybe read a book in a cafe or park where you are safe.

@ planet jane – my range is reoccuring, every three months or so I become so angry that I don’t sleep properly or eat properly for weeks -and then cry for days on end. I’m at the tail end of the lastest episode think I lost another 5 pounds, I wrote the AC a letter expressing to him the pain I still have to live with – no response! What a surprise – three days prior he told me how much he will always care about me – this only added to my rage

Anyone who has read my writing knows I am full of theories, here is mine on this * the one* business. The EUM specializes in vagueness, ambiguity and cowardice in handling emotion. This leaves it wide open for us to interpret how they really feel about the relationship, and we go on and make up the ideal scenario to fill in the gap that comes from the lack of substance. So, some of us, inexperienced with this sort of thing, because they really do not give much of anything useful of substance to go on, foolishly create *the one*, which of course, is a total fantasy. Turns out it takes a good bit of work to come out of the fantasy.

Relatedly, someone wrote something wise here a bit back ” If we can create a prince out of an AC what can we NOT do ? ” Funny and so true.. I now see that power, which really is some force to be reckoned with, and plan to use it to focus on reality and assessment in the future. If there is anything to be created with another person its a true evaluation of what healthy things are being given and received in any relationship.

Carry on, wiser women everywhere )

The way you described yourself could describe me. I do wear a bit of makeup to work, but otherwise everything else fits I am tall too – almost 5 ft 9in. I do not put a lot of emphasis on appearance either, and wouldn’t want a man who expected me to look ‘perfect’ all the time – I do believe real beauty lies within. And thanks for the feedback on the name change – I was feeling somewhat negative about the name “notmeanttobe” so changed it to “Meant to be Happy” as a celebration of progress on this journey to a happier me. Here’s to happiness for all of us…

And, also, I love your new screen name.

I’m learning that the stage of rage is necessary because it reminds us that we don’t want to go back to where we came from! Even as many months as I’ve been getting past this relationship, I still have fleeting moments of rage where I remember how much I trusted in someone and gave so much of myself only to be lied to and shit on, but I just try to be more aware now. I have a smarter view when I meet men.

And to Flygirl, I look so normal that you’d pass me on the street and you would never remember you saw me. I’m not fat or skinny, I don’t dress flashy or dumpy. I don’t wear make-up, and I’m always clean. When I was a bit younger and in shape, people always mistakenly thought that I was some “famous” swimming olympic-type lady, but I’m older now and just tall and normal looking.

I’m hoping that someday some decent man can possibly appreciate that I don’t try to look like anything than who I am. Maybe there is a guy out there like that, too, hoping that there is a woman who can look past the outside and see how cool he is even when no one else seems to notice.

Until then, I’m just going to keep living and giving to the people around me the best I know how.

I appreciate reading and learning from everyone’s insight here on this site.

I have imagined us all being in the same room, too!! For the positive reasons you mentioned. I sometimes have a picture in my mind of what everyone looks like, and it would be awesome to actually meet some of you. Altho I’m sure it would be strange – like seeing a movie after reading a book. Anyway, I agree with your appreciation of the support here flygirl, even though we meet in a “virtual room”, the strength and support feels real. Thanks for sharing your journey with us too

Wow, 5 weeks is a long time!!! I would forget my ex’s name by then jk lol. You’re doing Grreeeaaaaattttttttttttttt!!!! Nah, you don’t miss all the BS, you miss the beginning when things were good, those blissful moments, those wonderful “feeling”..and it’s okay to miss those moments – that’s what makes it so freakin’ hard to let go!! Don’t deny it, enjoy it, butttttttttttttt acknowledge the NOW. That was then, this is NOW! He’s not worth it! NO ONE who treats you miserably is worth it! NO ONE!!! *Huggiezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*:)

@Anusha– “Im having a low day today.” Awwwww *huggiezzzzzzzzzzz* from far. We all have low days (mine comes and goes in mini minutes and seconds…never an entire day). When you’re having those sappy days, write your heart out here, unleash all those rotten thoughts so it doesn’t gag and choke ya. Oh it also helps to cry too…admit you’re having a low day, bawl your eyes out, then have a bowl of ice cream;) Remember, U R STRONG!!!! U CAN AND U WILL DO THIS!!! WITH THE REST OF US!!!!

And I’m buying some ice cream tonight! Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food!

I know I don’t really miss my xeum (5 weeks NC). And I certainly don’t miss being in the limbo of wondering when the pathetic loser is gonna call or deign me with his presence. And I don’t miss him insulting me, calling me names and kicking my self-esteem to the ground so he can feel better about himself – all in the name of a joke and good fun – I finally realize I don’t NEED him, and after that it was easy to determine, I don’t WANT him either. But that was yesterday…and I’m still wrestling in my mind with all sorts of love, pain, self-esteem issues – which tells me: It’s all me now.

Thanks for the water analogy. It’s nice.