Comments on: Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward

By: MsBliss

MsBliss — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 20:26:17 +0000

FinallyOverIt–
“I am so attached to the craziness of it that if I donâ€™t have it, I wonâ€™t know what to do with myselfâ€¦.” SOUNDS LIKE ME! It’s been two weeks of NC. How are you doing with the NC?

By: sara stewart

sara stewart — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:30:47 +0000

I have finally closed the door.. no mails, no phone calls, no answering the door. After five years off on and off relationship, like me not allowed on his or his sis facebook… and monthly breakups where I walk out when other women called him,or I find emails to and from other women.. watch him flirt with shop keepers and coffee shop emloyees, each time I would leave and he would find a way of charming me back, the last six months his behaviour around little girls, his staring at them or playing with them or taking pictures of them, even my own relatives, and these were children of 3 yrs old or so, and he would stare at them whenever they were around even in a restaurant. I talked to him about it and he would say I was being ridiculous. Finally when he acted that way at my friends house with her friends 3 yr old. . I made him take me home.. I again saw email from him to another women, I as usual left again. but I decided that I no longer respected myself, and I dont know how im doing this but I am, the only thing in this whole relationship that is bothering me is the fact that this man has such a sweet side that is all covered with crap… He fixed things inside my home, outside my home, installed cupboards, tile.. etc.. he has bought me so many gifts right down to bras,and sexy underwear, to suits and all kinds of clothes, I could not figure out why he did that even to buying me expensive things like tv sets…??? His house is a hopeless mess inside and outside, he has four vehicals and they are also filled with paper and stuff never put away..I tried to help him organize things, I even did his washing and ironing, I even changed my hair colour as he said mine didnt suit me, I dressed in skirts and lady like clothes, he dressed as he pleased..I was just happy being with him for some reason I cant and never could explain, I fell in love with this man..but I considered doing things for him, a trade off for the stuff he did for me…what the heck? why did he do all that for me, and than cheat, lie, and manipulate me?.he is and is prob still doing things to wreck his life.its now going on 8 wks. and Ive cut all contact with him. I finally realized what a dummy I was, and that there isnt any use trying to figure out why he is the way he is, I still love him which I know is stupid, but Im not going to do a thing about still caring for him..as I know now that he was an addiction and I have to get over it.. Im trying really hard this time and am having no contact with him at all.as I need to get my self respect back. This site has helped me. so.. so.. much… thank you….

By: finallyseenthelight

finallyseenthelight — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:19:16 +0000

I need a refresher course on this after 3 months of NC and over a year of breaking up and making up. It’s like I welcomed the contact…had been thinking about him and somehow willed him to write to me…now I have to go through a mini breakup all over again…when will I learn…I am getting it about closing the door…if I leave it ajar…then I will not be available for my next relationship…I want to move on…I felt such a pull with him agian today…why did I respond…why was I so compassionate with him and his problems after all the hurt I’ve been through, not to mention that he had promised not to contact me again…I have to get my head screwed on properly again.

By: | Baggage Reclaim - Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women.

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 11:46:09 +0000

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By: annie d

annie d — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:38:22 +0000

Like many other here, I really needed this today. It’s been 12 days of total NC w/my ex-EUM. We work together and I find it the hardest when I hear his voice down the hall. We have been avoiding running into each other, so I guess that is a blessing.

ANYway, I was close … close to cracking the door today. We used to IM all day long and I was going to make myself “available” – after reading this, I decided against it. Still, I feel that crushing sensation in my chest and my throat gets tight. I can hardly wait to find another job. If I didnt have 3 children to support, I’d have quit by now. The temptation of him being close is killing me.

My sister sent me this song and I am passing it along. You’ve probably heard it, but – tell you what – it helps to hear it again! Peace to all of you … Annie D.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwS3_B4axn0

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:21:27 +0000

Cheekie- AMEN TO THAT! You are SO right.. Not only that but because they are cowards & manipulators & nothing is ever their fault they would find a way to turn it around on us. My guy used the typical line “I just don’t think we are in love” to break it off after months of bombarding me with sappy emails of undying love THEN turned it around on me when confronted & said “I never wanted it to be over you had that all in your head.” So which is it moron? (Mind you he had already been seeing someone else). He was lying & cheating & I actually started blaming myself after he said that! Talk about clusterf*uck! Like NML said they are master manipulators!

“If they couldnâ€™t be honest and there for us during the relationship, why do we think they will now?

That line is right on the $!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By: china blue

china blue — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:58:36 +0000

I’ve been following this series, and just downloaded your book. Your writing is no-nonsense and inspirational, and I’ve realised that hanging on, holding out, whatever you want to call it, benefits nobody. And right now, it needs to be about what benefits me. And I realised that closure isn’t about the other person. It’s about me accepting the situation, taking control by deciding not to be a part of it any more, and moving forward with my life. It’s been painful (I really liked the guy) but if you asked me what I’d be going back to, I couldn’t tell ya!

Potential does not a relationship make. And I’ve learned to listen to someone when they’re being honest. Armed with a bit more self-knowledge, I can carry on with my life, and I wish him the best with his.

I credit your blog and your book with helping me to find some clarity and look within myself to break the cycle

By: cheekie

cheekie — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:57:33 +0000

You know what else, I just had another thought…
Chances are that if you could confront them for closure, would they say what you want to hear? Would they take their responsibility for it all? Would they honestly and truly put your mind at ease?
Nope. I know. Been and done.
You know the answers already, right?
If they couldn’t be honest and there for us during the relationship, why do we think they will now?

By: Joanna

Joanna — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:36:18 +0000

NML, thank you for another amazing post. Closure was the last phase of the break up that I was struggling with. I was moving on, but thought that I needed that last bit of information, something that I believed would explain the final reason for the break up… but would it really make a difference if I had that information?
There could have been many reasons, but that was not the issue. The bottom line was that the relationship wasn’t working because he was emotionally unavailable, and not willing to work on himself and the relationship.

Despite all the pain and tears, I am not giving up moving forward. The process to where I truly want to be may take a while, but at least I am aware now, and I have learned from this experience.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:28:05 +0000

Amen to this article–I needed it today, too. I am exactly at this point with my life and my ex-EUM. I work with him, and I have been able to have “not contact” with him for awhile now, and I am really feeling like I am actually moving on from him. Such strange emotions are coming up for me–I find myself almost scared of ending this with him once and for all–like I am so attached to the craziness of it that if I don’t have it, I won’t know what to do with myself….But, that being said, I am closing the door to this chapter of my life. The only thing left to conquer is that I know he will come skulking around sooner or later, and I am going to also verbally end it with him. Again, thanks NML, for the words of wisdom!

By: cheekie

cheekie — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:12:18 +0000

again, dead-spot-on lady!
this isn’t a poem, this isn’t a movie.
this is real life. we are not long suffering romantic heroines.
I know I have been guilty of that in the past. (oh if I just love him ENOUGH , if he sees how much I NEED him…bs, total bs)
playing martyr and sacrificing YOUR life for some asshat who barely recognizes you exist is NOT making YOU a better more loving person.
Forgiving him, but mainly forgiving yourself and learning and moving on IS going to make you so much healthier in the long run, therefore more loving and self confident.
Admitting that it didn’t work, isn’t ever going to work and closing that door is the first step to trusting yourself. Really.
It isn’t easy at all. No one says it is. But it is much easier than spending the better part of your future on pipe dreams, fear, pain and broken promises.
Make a promise to yourself that from now on, you will treat yourself the way that you wish to be treated.

(and I never said burn EVERYTHING…lol…gotta have the assclown collection to look back on and say ‘whew! glad I smartened the heck up!’)

By: lisaq

lisaq — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:30:09 +0000

You have no idea how much I needed this today. Okay, maybe you do.

“Forgive you. Love you. Trust you. Embrace you. Enjoy you.” Thank you for that! I’m going to write it on a Post It note and repeat it until I get it!