Comments on: Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: tracyann http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-265408 tracyann Wed, 16 Jun 2010 05:36:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-265408 I just found this series of articles....TRULY great advice! I think these posts would be a good group of articles to revisit/feature sometime in the near future. EVERY single observation that you have ever mentioned is exactly right; some people just don't want to hear or accept it i guess. I've been there, but thankfully I'm not anymore. So much of what you say seems to coincide with a book that I read last year, "How to be an Adult in Relationships". That book was my saving grace before I found Baggage Reclaim. It probably set the groundwork for my being able to put your advice & suggestions into action so quickly and really stick to them. I was wondering if you have read it or heard of it? It explains 'how' to grieve loses & accept things as they are, etc. I think it would be a great book to recommend (in addition to "Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl" and "No Contact Rule" of course :) for those people who are struggling with changing some very deeply ingrained patterns/thought processes. Sometimes I wonder where I would be without David Richo & Natalie Lue! LOL...I don't even want to know. I just found this series of articles….TRULY great advice! I think these posts would be a good group of articles to revisit/feature sometime in the near future. EVERY single observation that you have ever mentioned is exactly right; some people just don’t want to hear or accept it i guess. I’ve been there, but thankfully I’m not anymore. So much of what you say seems to coincide with a book that I read last year, “How to be an Adult in Relationships”. That book was my saving grace before I found Baggage Reclaim. It probably set the groundwork for my being able to put your advice & suggestions into action so quickly and really stick to them. I was wondering if you have read it or heard of it? It explains ‘how’ to grieve loses & accept things as they are, etc. I think it would be a great book to recommend (in addition to “Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl” and “No Contact Rule” of course :) for those people who are struggling with changing some very deeply ingrained patterns/thought processes. Sometimes I wonder where I would be without David Richo & Natalie Lue! LOL…I don’t even want to know.

]]> By: iya martin http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-226141 iya martin Thu, 07 May 2009 13:48:44 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-226141 Even though i am not quite through the hurdle as my break up is relatively recent this advice and tips were really inspiring and helpful. Although you know all these things yourself it is easy to know that you are heard and not the only one facing this dilema thanks for all the advice. Even though i am not quite through the hurdle as my break up is relatively recent this advice and tips were really inspiring and helpful. Although you know all these things yourself it is easy to know that you are heard and not the only one facing this dilema thanks for all the advice.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-160583 NML Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:12:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-160583 UNknowndiva - Just imagine me as the loudmouth on your shoulder ;-) Lisa Q - It's true. Men don't think about things in the same way that women do so expending all of this energy is in the overall scheme of things....futile. Keep shouting! China Blue - Amen! I don' t think it can be any clearer than that! Jana - This is an incredibly difficult situation and I think I will dedicate a post to answering your question. You mustn't think 'can't and you have to think 'will'. If you believe you can't do it before you've started, you won't do it. You've got to get in the right mindset. Don't batter yourself any further by trying to get him to come back because he has made his choice, and you've already asked him back and he hasn't returned. If the fact that you guys have two children together doesn't sway him to treat you better - what will? You now have to do what is best for you and the kids. You need to focus on him having a relationship with his children that is independent of a relationship with you...and I think you need to be the one to give him up. Unfortunately from the moment that you stuck around in spite of the fact that he's married...he will have decided your worth. Now show him that you are worth more. And trust me - you are strong enough to handle this situation because whether you realise it or not, you are on your own already. I will post a longer reply in a post dedicated to your situation. UNknowndiva – Just imagine me as the loudmouth on your shoulder ;-)
Lisa Q – It’s true. Men don’t think about things in the same way that women do so expending all of this energy is in the overall scheme of things….futile. Keep shouting!
China Blue – Amen! I don’ t think it can be any clearer than that!
Jana – This is an incredibly difficult situation and I think I will dedicate a post to answering your question. You mustn’t think ‘can’t and you have to think ‘will’. If you believe you can’t do it before you’ve started, you won’t do it. You’ve got to get in the right mindset. Don’t batter yourself any further by trying to get him to come back because he has made his choice, and you’ve already asked him back and he hasn’t returned. If the fact that you guys have two children together doesn’t sway him to treat you better – what will? You now have to do what is best for you and the kids. You need to focus on him having a relationship with his children that is independent of a relationship with you…and I think you need to be the one to give him up. Unfortunately from the moment that you stuck around in spite of the fact that he’s married…he will have decided your worth. Now show him that you are worth more. And trust me – you are strong enough to handle this situation because whether you realise it or not, you are on your own already.
I will post a longer reply in a post dedicated to your situation.

]]> By: Jana http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-160494 Jana Mon, 09 Jun 2008 01:50:58 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-160494 I actually stumbled on this website because tonight everything has told me that i need to face my issues or i will lose myself. At 20 i was engaged to this really nice guy, suddenly i realised i needed to live a little because i had previously led a very sheltered life. I met my ex, who it seems i had plenty in common with. It so happened that i met him one month before he got married. I didn't get to know until later that he got married. I stupidly continued the relationship because i figured i was just having fun. Fun turned into 8 years of being together of his and my family shunning both of us, but him still staying married to his wife but practically living at my house. He suggested we start a family and he left his wife and i got pregnant. Everything was ok until talk of divorcing his wife came up- he said he was doing it and just wasn't. One day i came home and he was gone - back to his wife not one word to me. One month later he came back and said he had gone to counselling and relaised it was me he really loved. After 3 months of living together again, i got pregnant again and he became distant and said he wasn;t ready for this child. After a particularly bad argument i told him to leave and he did, just turned around and went back to his wife. Although he maintains the children financially, he makes no contact with them and for the past 2 years he has been the ideal husband to his wife and his kids with her, he absolutely shuns our children together though. The thing is, during the preganancy i chose to block out the entire situation because i din't want to have a baby born with any depression, after that i had to be strong for the 2 babies i had to be caring for alone. i am still afraid of facing this situation because i don't think i will be strong enough to handle it and i have my kids who depend on only me. His family is very supportive - we got close during the time we lived together and so is mine, however i constantly feel guilty about what i have done to my kids and to myself and i just can't seem to get over this break up. We all live in the same town and i see him and his wifeat least 3 times a week. I have called him to ask for a reconciliation but he doesn't want anything to do with me . I just can't seem to face this situation. Any advice? I actually stumbled on this website because tonight everything has told me that i need to face my issues or i will lose myself. At 20 i was engaged to this really nice guy, suddenly i realised i needed to live a little because i had previously led a very sheltered life. I met my ex, who it seems i had plenty in common with. It so happened that i met him one month before he got married. I didn’t get to know until later that he got married. I stupidly continued the relationship because i figured i was just having fun. Fun turned into 8 years of being together of his and my family shunning both of us, but him still staying married to his wife but practically living at my house. He suggested we start a family and he left his wife and i got pregnant. Everything was ok until talk of divorcing his wife came up- he said he was doing it and just wasn’t. One day i came home and he was gone – back to his wife not one word to me. One month later he came back and said he had gone to counselling and relaised it was me he really loved. After 3 months of living together again, i got pregnant again and he became distant and said he wasn;t ready for this child. After a particularly bad argument i told him to leave and he did, just turned around and went back to his wife. Although he maintains the children financially, he makes no contact with them and for the past 2 years he has been the ideal husband to his wife and his kids with her, he absolutely shuns our children together though. The thing is, during the preganancy i chose to block out the entire situation because i din’t want to have a baby born with any depression, after that i had to be strong for the 2 babies i had to be caring for alone. i am still afraid of facing this situation because i don’t think i will be strong enough to handle it and i have my kids who depend on only me. His family is very supportive – we got close during the time we lived together and so is mine, however i constantly feel guilty about what i have done to my kids and to myself and i just can’t seem to get over this break up. We all live in the same town and i see him and his wifeat least 3 times a week. I have called him to ask for a reconciliation but he doesn’t want anything to do with me . I just can’t seem to face this situation. Any advice?

]]> By: china blue http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-158716 china blue Sat, 31 May 2008 10:24:59 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-158716 I was actually told: 'I'm not really thinking about you and me at this precise moment'. The more I repeat that back to myself, the more I realise that limbo is of my own making, not his. I'll let him go and live his life, and I plan on enjoying every moment of mine, and opportunities that come along. Whether implicit or explicit, the above message rings out loud and clear. Heed it, accept it, and live your life! I was actually told: ‘I’m not really thinking about you and me at this precise moment’.

The more I repeat that back to myself, the more I realise that limbo is of my own making, not his. I’ll let him go and live his life, and I plan on enjoying every moment of mine, and opportunities that come along. Whether implicit or explicit, the above message rings out loud and clear. Heed it, accept it, and live your life!

]]> By: lisaq http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-158286 lisaq Thu, 29 May 2008 21:15:34 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-158286 "whilst you’re in limbo, he is living his life." Amen! And while he's doing whatever he's doing, he's not giving you one single, solitary moment's thought...not one! As for that being afraid to be alone even though we're often alone with them, can I just get another amen!!! One assclown I was with for a year had me playing this sick little game with myself. I'd actually have running dialogs in my head. "But if I leave him, I'll be alone." "You're alone now dumbass." WTF? What was I thinking? Oh yes, I wasn't...not clearly anyway! Oh and unknowndiva, i'll yell at ya daily if ya want. It would probably be good for both of us. A reminder for me at the same time I'm giving you a reminder. ;) “whilst you’re in limbo, he is living his life.” Amen! And while he’s doing whatever he’s doing, he’s not giving you one single, solitary moment’s thought…not one!

As for that being afraid to be alone even though we’re often alone with them, can I just get another amen!!! One assclown I was with for a year had me playing this sick little game with myself. I’d actually have running dialogs in my head. “But if I leave him, I’ll be alone.” “You’re alone now dumbass.” WTF? What was I thinking? Oh yes, I wasn’t…not clearly anyway!

Oh and unknowndiva, i’ll yell at ya daily if ya want. It would probably be good for both of us. A reminder for me at the same time I’m giving you a reminder. ;)

]]> By: unknowndiva http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/comment-page-1/#comment-158257 unknowndiva Thu, 29 May 2008 16:08:48 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-3-thou-shalt-stop-fearing-the-pain-of-breaking-up-and-confront-it/#comment-158257 definitely another good post! damn i wish you could scream all of these things to me so that it could sink in without any further delay. i will say, though, that i've recognized things for what they really are and am moving in the direction of acceptance and growth. i swear i am. i'll "see" u 2morrow for another inspiring post that will hopefully post all this mess behind me once and for all. until then..... definitely another good post! damn i wish you could scream all of these things to me so that it could sink in without any further delay.

i will say, though, that i’ve recognized things for what they really are and am moving in the direction of acceptance and growth. i swear i am.

i’ll “see” u 2morrow for another inspiring post that will hopefully post all this mess behind me once and for all. until then…..

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