Comments on: Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable

By: NML

NML — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:09:23 +0000

FinallyOverIt – it can seem like a long process but actually, you can get on with your life whilst doing it. Forgiveness is part of it but it’s also stocking up on some self belief and some self love and sticking to those values no matter what. The trouble is when we choose to stick in the troubled water of old values because it seems such a big change. But when I realised my issues, I made a point of being aware of what I was doing and how I was feeling. But I will write more on these things.
Honey – you crack me up with your shows but what you say is oh so true. We ultimately spend too much time trying to change others when it’s out of our control. We gotta look to us.
Lisaq – I think we’re conditioned to believe that if it’s love, it’s got to hurt. We also believe that placing our love on someone conquers all.
Sindh – (hug) what an awful experience. The odd thing is that your new found sense of self and knowledge will actually empower you. The best thing that you can do for yourself is never go down that road again.you have been through so much but you are wiser now. That guy is an assclown and the key thing is that you have removed his power x

By: Sindh

Sindh — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:55:04 +0000

NML
I believed what I wanted for 20 months thinking I could believe myself into something that was never there. I clung for dear life to the words uttered in the first months, kept that picture of him pursuing me even in the face of the verbal abuse, the emotional blackmail. I was called everything from a c**** to a s***, the silent treatment went on for weeks where he’d cut me for something as small as asking him when I was going to see him again not to mentiona the blackmail. I am sitting here,writing this and not even believing this could be happening to me. How did this happen ? Why did I let it happen ? I look back and it seems like I was numbed to it.
I am hell bent on setting things right with me and that is the ONLY way I am going to be better and thus make better choices. I let him treat me SO badly and ok’d his behaviour towards me and that just set the tone for this relationship and NML he was treating me like dirt, he knew it and he got a kick out of it.
No one wants to be in such immense pain but pain can be turned into our advantage and a great motivater to better ourselves, its hard but its not impossible and you NML make it possible.

By: lisaq

lisaq — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:27:10 +0000

All I can even think to say is Amen sista! It’s amazing to me how me people want to place blame rather than be accountable for a break up. Lord God how do they expect to grow and move on to have happier, healthier relationships?

By: Honey

Honey — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:00:43 +0000

On one of my tv shows (I have too many to remember which!) a character said, “the thing all your mistakes have in common is you,” and it’s so true! You can’t change other people, only who you surround yourself with and how you react to them. Great post

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 15:41:38 +0000

NML, this is so right on that it’s scary! I continue to read all of the posts from all of us who have been in relationships with EUMs, MMs, etc., and I do see a common thread of not taking accountability in the total sense. I see that we want to place a lot of our unhappiness back onto our EUMs, and that we are not truly looking into the mirror and seeing what part we have played in our failed relationships. It’s a hard thing to do, but I totally agree with you that until we do this, we will have difficulty really moving on in our lives to better relationships with men. I know and am totally aware that a big part of my problem is not valuing myself enough and thinking that I’m not good enough to have a truly healthy, loving relationship, and also because of “absent daddy” issues, I gravitate toward men who are emotionally unavailable. But, that being said, I am doing a lot of personal soul searching and work to break this pattern. NML, I want to thank you and your readers for all of the support and help. Keep the articles and posts coming!