Wow!! That is soooo true!! It didn’t hit me until I read this!!! I had (operative word) been dealing with an extremely EUM for two years…he apologized once again, so I thought we could be real friends…sent him a very thoughtful, funny and heartfelt birthday greeting via email…his response was, “you’ll always have a special place in my heart”, which I took as a major kiss-off!! anyway, back and forth and I told him that it’s too bad he’ll always see me as a “fallback girl” because I’m an amazing friend, to peeps who deserve my friendship and that I’m done playing his game and to not contact me again. of course, within 20 minutes he didn’t respect my boundaries and wrote back saying how sorry he was that he made me write those things and that he made me feel that way and that he certainly never meant for me to misinterpret his intentions, especially on HIS birthday…and if I could please call him, he literally begged and pleaded with me to call him so he could tell me how wrong I was!!

THAT’s when it hit me!! He can’t even pick up the phone to correct a miiscommunication? Because there was NO miscommuncation…I was dead-on and he couldn’t handle it…

That quote really hit me – this time…after all of the times I’ve contacted him, I REJECTED him and I will continue with NC forever!!! I have the upperhand and after reading all of these posts, I now know I was living a delusional life in my mind, thinking he could change…but I’m not the first chick he’s treated this way and no doubt I’m not the last…but he is the last EUM I will ever hook up with…NOW, I can spot them a mile away and even my friends are proud of how much I’ve grown…I know it’s cliche, but it’s true…if you don’t love yourself, how can anyone love you? I do love myself now and I am working towards the unconditional love…but I know I will get there…

I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s posts!! Thanks for all of the great advice!! I can now breathe out and relax knowing he is my PAST and NOT my PRESENT or my FUTURE!! Damn, it feels good to say that and to actually BELIEVE IT!!!

-Autumn

If there was a mistake, it was selecting someone unsuitable for a long term relationship in the first place. Of course he resists changing into someone he is not, change is measured in pain, and he sees no reason to change at all, let alone into someone that you need.

The thing to do now is to let go, and get on with healing. After losing someone important in your life, you will grieve, that is only natural. In your grieving you will also want to understand why you tried to get together with someone hurtful, disrespectful, someone that wasn’t interested in a shared life and home and family. Many healthy people in the world did *not* try to share a life with him – why did you? Because the important thing is to prepare for the future.

You have to know there are good people in the world. People that don’t live like that bozo, people that don’t hang out where that bozo hangs out, people that base relationships on respect and trust and honesty and honor. And you need to make friends among these “good” people. You need to be active in their community. You need to believe in yourself and your self worth, and set barriers and boundaries to protect yourself from people like that bozo.

That will be a lot of work, once the hurt starts to pass. Right now you have to finish dealing with the hurt and with letting him go. And convince yourself that whatever he wants, if he showed up begging on your doorstep tomorrow, you dare not let anyone like him get close to you or your life.

Take care.

I also keep telling myself that he’ll come back around and that he is only doing it to gain power over me and that he isn’t over it… But I guess that it’s better he is over it cos I’m tired of going around in circles with him…

Oh gosh I’m just so lost please help

Just this couple of months on, I can look back now at the last guy – Mr EU/The Player – and see quite clearly that right from the start, the overriding feeling of being with him was DISAPPOINTMENT.

He’s short, with a high voice and manages an IT office team; he has a bad heart and a gal pal who sleeps with him but won’t have sex with him (I have a strong suspicion she’d be astounded to hear this about herself); he preferred email communication above anything – and I somehow got myself used to settling for 3 lines twice a day, except at weekends and when he was on holiday…

Talk about “low expectations”. But he was a disappointment to me, right from the start. No wonder I felt so bad when, after I pushed for more/longer/more informative emails, he responded with, “There is no more time available; you are getting all the effort I can make; and, while it might have been different a while ago and might well be in the future, right now you are no priority of any kind at all”.

Whaa???

Actually, I think now it was the biggest favour any man has ever done for me, lol! I was sooooo insulted that a little twerp like that, who I was settling for at best, could round ojn me like that, that….

….I stopped and thought, “Why am I settling for a disappointing little twerp anyway?” I never even responded to that last email of his. Instead, I searched around and, praise be, found here!

Thank you, disappointing little twerp.

And Thank You too NML and all the posters on this wonderful site.

love, Leonine.

And you’re words are like a shining light in what has been a really long darkness. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I think the reason why rejection is so painful (and boy have I written about it!) is because we take it SO personally, which then affects our self esteem.

One mindset shift that really allowed me to overcome this, was concluding each situation we have in our life requires slightly different persona’s.

For instance you may act, speak and dress differently at work, compared to when you are hanging out with your closest friends.

If we look at our different persona’s like a different outfit suited to each occasion, not only are we more adaptable to our environment but we are also less likely to take things to heart. Because the criticism, rejection, harsh words were not aimed at your personally … but merely an outfit or a type of persona that you put on.

For instance, say that one day you are out with your friends and they comment that they don’t like your handbag (of course most girlfriends won’t have the heart to say this but in this case, lets just say they do).

Now at the end of the day, they are not commenting that they don’t like you. Simply that they do not like ur handbag. If you are able to distinguish between the two, then a lot of things people say about you and treat you … is not so easily taken to heart.

I know it has definitely helped me is every area of my life, from being a blogger, student, ski patroller or speaker or single dating girl.

Hot Alpha Female
The Only Woman You Should Take Dating Advice From

I cannot help thinking that there is no limit to how much adjusting we should do – for the right reasons. Often adjusting is the path to survival.

But if you are working toward a goal that isn’t worth achieving, then no amount of adapting is reasonable.

You describe a very single guy – he apparently considers this a perpetual date. He now has a comfortable home base, a place to come back to between poker games, studying, etc. There is nothing wrong with the perpetual date, unless the dater’s partner wants a home. And we do *not* ask people to change, because change is chaotic, we cannot predict what the change will accomplish or whether the change will be useful in the future – and you cannot turn the clock back to regain what you have today.

Besides, with his life organized around buddies and school – he will resent anything that takes time or interest/energy away from his primary activities.

I mentioned healthy emotional bonds, and you returned with his social contacts. Are his friends respectful to him, to you, and to each other? Is his family more joyful because he is in their lives? Obviously something is awry, because you are unhappy, and he isn’t trying to solve the problem. That kind of disconnect is fundamental – which is why I agree with NML, that the point where things went awry was way back at the beginning. When you picked or accepted a guy that wasn’t suitable for the long haul, someone that was looking for what you did for him, his image and social standing, his sex adventures.

There are fundamentally different types of guys. Some are warriors, some leaders, some aren’t. Some understand what a home is, and are interested in someone to share a life and a home with – others want endless sex adventures and see dating as social recreation, with whichever partners will share the indulgence. Different types of guys don’t cross over to different types. The honest ones start out that way, treat them well and they stay that way. The disciplined and honorable ones are brought up that way, the compassionate ones learned from patient and honorable teachers as they grew up.

The guys with all the equipment to look hot in bed are easy to spot. The ones with the character and inclination to share lives and make a home and family – they are often avoiding the same bozos that bring so many women to Baggage Reclaim.

You may actually have a bunch invested in your current guy. You may be afraid to face moving out, taking care of yourself. That can be scary, not being sure where “home” will be next week. But the consensus is that someone as disconnected from the relationship, someone that lets you continue feeling bad, is *not* going to change. And you aren’t likely to get much happier, as long as you are with him.

Separation will hurt, lots. There is the grief as you recover from losing someone that is close to you now. There is also the healing from the broken and frayed emotional bonds that will be broken, the missing presence of something more-or-less dependable in your life (even if it is just the annoyance of his ways!) Like any change, from changing jobs to buying a car or house, there will be remorse, the doubts “Did I do the right thing? Did I turn away too soon? What if I had tried harder, or been smarter, or found better advice?” I can about promise this. It happens so often, everyone should be prepared and ready for this familiar list of hurts – yet each of us is surprised again, each time.

Just knowing him for a long time doesn’t make him a good mate prospect. Enjoying being intimate with him, or enjoying social events with him doesn’t make him suitable, either. If you don’t share good, strong character virtues, if you don’t share a goal of a shared life and a home with compatible values and interacting in a chosen community – then he isn’t likely the right mate-prospect for you.

You have to decide what your goals are, and what kind of partner is going to enrich your life. Good luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances

Thank you for your reply Brad.

If something doesn’t work, try something else.

Asking for affection isn’t the issue, and neither is showing affection. Physical closeness isn’t the answer, and isn’t the problem.

The problem starts with – what does he want? If you don’t know – then any guesses you make, anything you try, is probably going to be wrong. It is *much* better to understand, and apply the right answer.

I don’t think cuddling, or feeling happy, or sex adventures are the reason we get together as couples. If that is our goal – eventually we will get there, or our partner will, and we may stay a while, then move on. I call this perpetual dating.

The only other real answer I know, is to make a home, a secure and safe place to establish a couple and family, a home that acts as part of a community and an extended family. Only, you have to pick a partner that wants a family, that shares many of the same values, that has a similar concept of what is right and what is wrong. Your partner should be trainable, and respect himself and you, and should have your respect and trust in return.

What he is calling clingy, is you asking, or nagging, or wanting something he doesn’t want to give. Which you had just described, when you tried to bribe him to be nice to you, by making (nearly) unwanted sexual advances. Acting that way doesn’t respect him, or show respect for yourself.

Nothing that you have done is wrong. In the right time and place, getting mushy or provocative, flirting – you can convince your partner how much you want something, or to reassure him of your affection. At this time, though, there is a problem, and you are avoiding facing that problem.

The problem is that you are hearing yourself, and not him. And this gets tough, because women are smarter than men. Women can hold an intelligent conversation about feelings, and men seldom can. Ask him what the problem is, what he resents, or is missing, or is afraid of – and he will likely clam up, mostly because he isn’t sure what his answer really is. And with all the anger, he is likely unsure what he can say that won’t be used against him – he may not trust you with his real answer, right now.

You must be hurting right now. If either of you has given up on the relationship, then it is likely about over. What you have been trying, to get past the anger and hurt, hasn’t been working, and he is frustrated, too.

I wonder if you are active enough in your extended family and in your community, both as individuals, and as a couple. Outside social contacts can help balance friction between you, and help keep things in perspective.

And, I wonder if both of you picked each other for life-mate prospects, or of either of you was looking for a sex adventure partner, then thinking that would necessarily grow into a home – without picking a partner suitable for a life-mate, that is a very fragile hope.

Now, in the middle of a battle zone, is a tough time to try to turn things around. I would start with respect, respect for yourself, respect for others, respect for your actions and those around you – and that you make less room in your life for those that are not respectful. Honesty with yourself, compassion and forgiveness. Avoid gossip.

And self respect. Take yourself seriously, defend yourself, if your feeling is that this guy is dodgy – consider carefully whether it will be good for you to humor him, or would it be better for you if you were to make a life for yourself without him.

You say you were happier at first. Have your expectations and experiences changed how you feel about being with him, or has he changed how he behaves toward you? Both of you should have been working, hard, to stay aware of what the other needs and what makes the other happy – without asking! – and been pleased to increase the joy in your partner’s life. That isn’t happening today. You will have to decide if, knowing the man, you want him with you and want to build a home for him, a home that he will cherish and be happy in.

Making the home that you want is worthless, if it doesn’t make your partner happy. Making a home for your partner that leaves you unhappy is wrong, too, you cannot allow that to happen to yourself.

You will have to decide if you have a home that you want to save, or if you should leave now, and prepare yourself to be ready to meet someone to build a home with.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home