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Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
To recap from part two:
“when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.”
If you keep internalising his behaviour and making it about you, you can take each of these things and say “I’m not good enough to love, I’m not good enough to be communicated with, I’m not good enough for him to be emotionally available with and so on and so on…”
Whilst you enable assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s behaviour by dancing to their beat and accepting it, they are how they are in spite of you. They were this way before they met you, they are this way now, and they will be this way if you’re smart enough to make a run for it.
This is not about you.
Stop making it all about you because it was never about you in the first place. If you had been at the genuine focal point of his actions and thoughts, you can be damn sure you wouldn’t be at this juncture now.
Hard as this is for you to hear, you set yourself up for hurt, not because you took a chance on love and it bit you in the bum, but because if you are habitually engaging with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and you don’t recognise not only how inappropriate their behaviour is and steer clear of them, they will be catering to conscious and subconscious relationship patterns that you are following because they reverberate with your self-esteem, they are familiar, albeit uncomfortable, and they cater to negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, love, and relationships.
Remember that emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable. Commitment shy draws in commitment shy.
This is about the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘inadvertently’ proving your unworthiness in the quest to validate yourself.
If you compare your version of taking a chance on love to betting on a horse, pursuing Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and expecting better results each time, is like betting on a three legged horse and wondering why it keeps rocking up last….
Read my post on relationship insanity and why we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why we get hurt.
If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Good things don’t feel bad!
2) Opt out. Instead of it always being about assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s rejecting you, isn’t it about time you started ‘rejecting’ them?
3) Stop focusing on the illusion and get real. Pronto! Go back to the list at the start of this post which I took from part two and start asking yourself what you really want, because unless you are happy to do without the basics (which you have actually already attempted), this cannot work.
You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
4) Start determining your own worth. If you have to force someone to ‘attempt’ to recognise your value and they have already opted out, whilst it may take you some time to process things, and overcome the dent to your ego, it’s better to process his behaviour and draw the a conclusion that allows you to move on.
The fact that he doesn’t recognise your value and has chosen to opt out (many of them were never in in the first place) is an ENORMOUS RED FLAG.
You cannot validate yourself on this man. If he didn’t recognise your value when you were with him, he’s certainly not going to recognise it now, and even if he did, what do you think you will gain from this?
5) Whilst you are licking your wounds, obsessing, and potentially wallowing in your perceived rejection, he goes on his merry way and gets on with his life.
If you dwell on what you perceive as ‘rejection’, it indicates ‘obsessing’ which indicates that you are expending serious brainpower stalling from accepting that the relationship is over because you are too busy looking for reasons to blame yourself.
If you are serious about eventually being happy and finding and embracing love, you cannot do this if you don’t process the hurt, heal, and move on.
6) Take one day at a time. You want to fast-forward to no pain or rewind to the hazy glow of illusion. Break-ups hurt, but they hurt even more if you don’t keep it real and be patient with yourself.
7) Knock him off that perch you’ve built up. It’s one thing for him to have an inflated ego, it’s another for you to continuously inflate it by making him out to be something more than he is. Get real very quickly and you will able to see that many of the things you place stock in about Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns mean nothing because they don’t translate to someone who treats you decently.
Check out my posts on But we have so much in common and 10 reasons why women choose men and why they shouldn’t parts one and two.
Cut contact. Staying in touch is like saying ‘Please find 101 ways to reject me again and again whilst I blow smoke up your bum with an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, and possibly even a shag.
9) Write down the bad stuff. Carry it in your handbag, put individual incidences on post-it notes around the house, write them on your mirror in lipstick, create a screensaver, reminders in your phone or whatever, but writing down the bad stuff is a reminder of the real him which you can look at and say ‘Er…no. I’m rejecting his crap!’
10) Stop being so hard on yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces. You want to be treated decently, it starts at home. Stop rejecting yourself by engaging with these clowns and start treating yourself better.
If you’ve spent enough time around these men, you know the deal and you know how the dance plays out, and yet you dance the dance.
And this is a dance. As I explained to a reader the other day, the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.
Your sense of ‘rejection’ can often be very much tied to the good times and feeling that you must have done something really awful to scare him away or that if only you had tried harder, been better, needed less, been accepting, turned a blind eye etc, he wouldn’t have ‘rejected’ you.
As I’ve said, for him, this is about rejecting what a relationship represents and these guys are about whims, short-term highs, ego strokes, getting things on their own terms, the chase, and now being needed, wanted, or expected from, more than they are prepared to give.
Healthy relationships with prospects require two parties with both of their feet in the relationship. It can’t be happy clappy amazing days every day – you need to be able to be able to ride the rough with the smooth. There needs to be trust, love, respect, and care, and you need to be able to be yourself.
Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.
They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Kind of found this site by accident when I was reading articles about men who suddenly disappear from your life. It’s been a great help but I am still struggling and each day is a chore for me to NOT send him an email.
I got involved with a EUM (which I really now believe that is what he is) almost 3 years ago. We met him and his wife through some friends. They were having marital problems and I was in a bad 21 year marriage ready to walk out. Long story short, we both ended up divorced. Not because we wanted to be together – just that our lives kind of collided at the same time.
Our relationship started off as best friends and let into Friends with Benefits although never consistent. We would go a week, sometimes 2 without seeing each other but pretty much each time we got together, we ended up in bed. Kind of like a bad roller-coaster ride. Then to make matters worse, one of the breaks where he didn’t call or come around, he had hooked up with a stripper who he got pregnant. Helped him through all that – pretty much his listening board while allowing him to pop in and out of my life.
The weekend we were together was the first weekend in June. Then the following week we had lunch and we to get together that night but he had “Baby Mama Drama” to deal with so had to cancel. That was our last phone conversation. So after 2 weeks I send him an email asking if he was alive and said that it was apparent he had other people occupying his life this time but that I was surprised he could just walk away from me without ever speaking to me again. He responded with a bunch of excuses, teenage son drinking too much and having alcohol poisoning, to the baby having thrush, you name it, his whole life is one big drama bowl. Anyway, so I write him back that we had always confided in each other and what has changed, etc. and that I was always just a phone call away. He never responded. Then, stupid me emails him a few weeks later just to say I was thinking about him and hope that life was treating him better. His response was that he was thinking about me too and said “Talk with you soon”. To date, no call, no email, nothing. Even when we didn’t see each other, he still sent me emails at work.
Still trying to figure out what happened for him to just pull away from me like that with no explanation. We considered ourselves best friends, lovers, you name it, we were always there for each other. However, with all the drama in his life, I shy’d away from calling him much and let him call me when he wanted to see me. Not sure if he felt like he was doing all the work, or if the drama in his life has just left him depressed (he suffers major depression).
The last time we spoke was on June 11th (the day he stood me up for Baby Mama drama). I have not made another attempt since the last email and didn’t even leave him a voice message for his birthday this past week. Trying hard to turn my hurt to anger but it’s really tough. I’m thinking I was looking at us as being more in a relationship than what he felt. And…no matter what I read or who I talk to, I know it’s a toxic rebound relationship and those never work out. Just want some answers and some type of closure and am really thinking about emailing him again but know I shouldn’t. I figure if he’s dealing with a lot (and I know he is including a bankruptcy), I should just stay away and let him come to me if and when he’s ready to talk???
When I read the list in part two “when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting: ‘ I was just sitting here saying ‘yes yes yes!’. but I still have some ‘yes buts…’
My EUM doesn’t quite fit the stereostype that most people discuss here. He had a long term relationship for 16 years, ended about a year ago. He is shy, has low self-esteem, and has not dated since his marriage break up. He is a workaholic, works 7 days a week, has not had a whole day off since we met 8 weeks ago. He has no time for hobbies, sports, anything really! His work/boss is incredibly demanding of his time, but he has also worked these long hours (90 a week usually) for so long he doesn’t know HOW to cut back. He has been flaky, often not calling when he says he will, cancelling last minute due to work pressures, and often not making much effort when he does seem to have some time. I was pretty miserable about the situation when HE called time on it, he says it is only the work situation, he thinks I am great, and the little time we have had together has been wonderful, but he needs to get work under control. We seemed to have an instant connection when we met, and I havent had that with anyone in 3 years or more. We also both want to move back home one day – currently living on the other side of the world. So it is very hard to just accept and walk away! We have had sporadic email contact the last week. But it is always me who sends the last one…I can never ignore an email…Am I deluded to think there might be a chance we could try again in future, if he sorts the work situation out? Or is he just not even man enough to say he doesn’t want to put the effort needed into a relationship? Would love some advice from anyone who has dated someone with similar characteristics!
Sweetpea76,
Let’s look at a couple of things.
Shy – that is fear. Low self esteem, insecure about social and interpersonal position.
Works long hours. On the one hand, doesn’t understand about living away from the job. On the other hand, doesn’t believe their work is adequate – that more is needed, or better is needed, to be good enough.
Abusive, manipulative, slave-driver boss. He chose to work for this company in this position. He could, if he believed he was being treated unfairly, find something else to do. Notice that few people flipping burgers really truly hate their job. The fact that he stays in his position is exactly the same reason as a battered wife is slow to leave – they think they deserve such treatment. Emotionally he is walking wounded; you called this weakness correctly.
But I am not sure you are allowing for what all this means – it means he is dysfunctional. He is hurting, emotionally he is incapable of rational and healthy action and interaction.
If you feel all Nurse Nightingale on him, beware that fixer uppers rarely stick around for more than bed games. He will be much more likely to resent you interfering in his life than to be grateful – and grateful is a really lousy way to start a relationship.
If he is working 90 hours a week, that leaves 11 hours a day for sleep, eating, laundry, bills, commuting – he may as well have entered a celibate monastery and taken vows, for all the interest he has in a relationship. He could not have more deliberately avoided the possibility of closeness than if he shared a bed with his parents.
If he ever (or wants to) gets his work under control, I would guess that he would look for more work. That is the life he knows. In any case, you *have* to assume that he will work his way into this kind of situation time after time after time. If want to be like the old trapper’s wives – have hubby under foot a couple of weeks every half year – that is said to be the best marriage. But that is not what we have come to expect of a relationship. And it certainly deprives children and spouses of the chance to be a family.
Overworking is a character flaw. Being a life-mate and co-parent is a life’s work, the craft or profession or job we undertake to support us and our loved ones cannot be permitted to interfere (too much!) with the important things.
@Brad-You just described my ex.He is shy and works a lot too.He is smart and can get a much better job where he gets paid more and doesnt have to work so hard but he sticks to it anyway.He works like 10 hours a day and his job is so phisicaly demanding that he just praticaly pass out in bed when he gets home.I talked with somebody that was doing the same kind of job as him and he said that isnt a job to do for long.That is something to work for a short while when you need money or until you get a better one but my ex is on that for 12 years or so.He had a lot of problems on his childhood with his dad working too much and never being around and not looking for contact with him after the divorce.His parents got divorced when he was starting to be a teen so he had to go trough those years(in my opinion the time that a boy most need a male figure) alone.I see he went trough a lot and I think maybe that is what made him a EUM.
“But I am not sure you are allowing for what all this means – it means he is dysfunctional. He is hurting, emotionally he is incapable of rational and healthy action and interaction.
If you feel all Nurse Nightingale on him, beware that fixer uppers rarely stick around for more than bed games. He will be much more likely to resent you interfering in his life than to be grateful – and grateful is a really lousy way to start a relationship.”
I can realy relate to that,I tried interfering on his life and he resented me.When I asked for more time together he would say that I didnt let him live his life.Anyway I think that you said on the first sentence is very important,he is incaple of healthy interaction so having a loving relationship with him is just impossible.Thanks to remind me of that.
Hi everyone. I just found this site, and I really need to get some things that are bothering me with my MM. I kinda fell into this with him. I have never before been with someone elses man and I feel so strange. I really do love this man, actually right down to his core. He has 2 kids and says that he is “in his current situation” because of them and that he cares about his W, but does not love her. Well, after being together and ofcourse wanting more…..I reach out and he assures me of his love for me, but boy is he real busy all the time now.
My emotions are upside down and inside out. My core is shaking. I don’t want to be without him, but I don’t want to be the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.
I have nobody to talk to and I need some advise. help!
@Moondancer,
I can relate to your situation, and feeling “upside down and inside out”. I ended a relationship with a MM almost 4 weeks ago, and it was so difficult to get to the decision to end it, but I knew I couldn’t go on like that – as you describe so well “the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.” When I was getting ready to break up, someone on this site asked me “what are you getting out of this?” and she suggested “less than nothing”, while he gets the stability of a marriage, plus an extra bed partner so he doesn’t get bored. It is a horrible place to be. I also had nobody to talk to as I was too ashamed to tell a soul about our affair.
What are you hoping to get out of the relationship with this MM? If it is a loving, committed relationship, you may be in for a big disappointment. Yes, it is hard to break up with them, but it is sooo worth it – you are worth it. Now that I have not had contact with my ex (except for a couple of work-related emails) for a few weeks, I am gaining more objectivity, and I’m questioning whether I really did love him. He was *always* really, really busy, too, and I got to feel like I was wayyy down his list of priorities. Your man says he cares for his wife, but doesn’t love her, but right now he is *choosing* to be with her, and not to make a break from her and be with you.
Best of luck with your decision, and you can always come to this site for support. The best way to get feedback is commenting on the most recent post, which is “compatibility and your type” part 3 right now.
Please please Please please Please
Consider re-writing this page in a way that applies to both male AND FEMALE Assclowns/Miss/Mrs,/Ms. Unavailable.
Everything you wrote about Him also applies to the HER that is my ex.
I am much happier now that I have lost her – saddened by what could have been her, but recognize that she doesn’t WANT to be better. Man am I happier now!!!
This should give you materials a whole new audience – Everyone who has ever been pinned under an abusive partner. Yes, i call this sort of behavior Emotional Abuse. it hurts, it’s wrong, let it be OVER!!!
lonewing,
I think most guys can apply the parts that fit to their own lives. The issue is that of all the sites for women and dating, as far as I know Baggage Reclaim is the only one that focuses on what women need to do to escape a cycle of similar, hurtful partners. There is possibly room for a forum about how a guy needs to change to be acceptable to a partner of good character and suitable interest to be a good mate-prospect.
But guys seem able to hang onto the juvenile date-at-any-cost mentality so much longer. And there is little social pressure to consider perpetual dating – the Playboy philosophy – a flawed life goal. There seems to be precious little audience to embrace changing their lives to make a better shared life.
In some sense we are given the same myth and fairy tale that the girls are – that there is someone special just for us. The implication that we don’t have to change, to adapt, to strive to be an honest and respectable person to enjoy life with an honest and responsible woman just doesn’t make the top 40 or sexy ads or hot movies.
Know what honor and respect and discipline are in your life, avoid those that are disrespectful of themselves and others, that are undisciplined, proud, dignified, or arrogant – or have invested much of their life into a sexy image or an ability to attract bed partners, and I think you have a fair chance at finding an appropriate partner for a good shared life. Oh, and set out, from the beginning, to find a qualified mate prospect; dating for fun and then hoping it turns into “real love” risks getting attached to someone inappropriate from the get-go.
NML’s ebook, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains some of the problem. You are correct, just switching gender labels does not work, because society looks differently at men slipping around than women straying. Realistically, cheating is cheating, and always a failure of character.
Hope you find understanding about how to rebuild your self esteem and setting boundaries, to avoid repeating a painful relationship with a new, unsuitable partner.
Brad K.´s last blog ..A theme song for the EUM cycle
this is my first time on this site & i have to say it’s slowly but surely helping. i was dumped by my EUM about three weeks ago & while it hasn’t been too easy, im coming around.
i knew our relationship was bad from the start but i saw it as better than being alone. he said i made him miserable & that he couldn’t give me what i needed. it hurts when someone tells you “i dont think i could ever love you” & i immediately wanted to blame myself & wonder what was wrong with me.
i kept thinking “well maybe if i didn’t nag him as much he’d come around” but it wasnt that. i was the best girlfriend i could be & maybe i wouldn’t have had to nag if he treated me right in the first place.
i just need to stop blaiming myself because i know the healing wont start until i do. this site has helped me realize that there is nothing i could have done for him to see me for what i am.
he had just gotten out of a five year relationship, has a resentful relationship w. his mother, hates his brother for possibly being a homosexual, & took care of his dying father at a young age. i now see that someone like that is no where close of giving me what i need or deserve. its just hard not to take it personally
@ raquel,
No, I don’t think there is anything you could have done to make him see you for what you are. In fact, I don’t think it would have mattered if he had.
I am sure you know about being alert for the lies guys tell, when they are trying to “get lucky”. But I am not sure you realize(d?) that there are some truths you dare not ignore. When a guy tells you that you make him unhappy or miserable, or that he doesn’t love you – these are true. Believe him – and run away. Especially EUMs won’t change, they cannot change, not for you nor for their own good, either.
You mentioned nagging. I don’t think nagging is an act of respect. Like lying, nothing good can come of it, and we don’t do it when we respect the other person. Additionally, acting with disrespect becomes a habit, and we find ourselves being less respectful of others, too. Without respect there is no basis, no foundation for a relationship.
You made one really powerful statement, “i was the best girlfriend I could be”. I don’t know if you ever tried to eat ice cream with a table knife. It can be done, it takes more time, and more ice cream melts before you finish. Getting a better table knife, one more elegant, or lighter, or prettier, won’t matter at all, if a spoon is what is needed.
This guy wasn’t able to take care of himself, emotionally, and is years away, at least, from being useful as a partner for anyone. He didn’t need a better girlfriend. He needs therapy, and he needs to understand his fears and he needs to discover what his own needs are. No girlfriend will be better for him.
For many reasons, I agree that it is better to share our lives with a good person. But I think we have to be used to interacting with good people before we get interested in one. I think a couple is a couple because they interact with their community as a unit – they live and work as a couple, and less as individuals. The community considers them to be partnered, not just two individuals. So one measure of a meaningful relationship might be – is he/she able and willing to join with me, to share community responsibilities? That takes honor, respect, discipline – character.
It is tough not to blame yourself when that dish of ice cream is mostly melted, and you are tipping the dish and dipping that table knife, and still not getting that ice cream finished. The only thing you can do is walk away, and next time be sure he has a full set of tableware.
Luck.
I broke up with my EUM a while back because he kept postponing making a commitment to me even though we had discussed it many times. His reason was of course timing and waiting for his family to start supporting our relationship even though he didn’t make any efforts to make this happen.
We tried being friends after the break-up, but it felt wrong to me and I couldn’t talk to him normally because I kept lashing out on him for making promises he didn’t keep. He always withdraws when I am angry but he said he understood my anger and that he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend. Still he never initiated contact and I started obsessing about why he said he wants me in his life and still doesn’t get in touch. Whenever I called him, he would be polite and say he will get in touch soon, but he never did.
Even though I broke up with him, I ended up feeling rejected because he still makes promises he doesn’t keep. I have told him that he should just admit that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, but he says that’s not true and it just infuriates me why he can’t be honest and upfront. Lately he’s stopped taking my calls as well. I know I have to move on and stop obsessing, but I really want him to get in touch with me so I can reject him back and ignore him the way he has been ignoring me.
what happens when you have had a baby to a guy like this and he rejects you is very abusive to you call you names even though you are none of the things he calls you im a pretty women and he knows it and now i using the no ontact rule with him him he has to make all contact though my mum in regards to his child calls me ugly and fat and worse how do you deal with this problem is it him who has low self-estrem and is trying to bring me down he has stopped calling me now its only been 2 weeks with no contact but cause we have a chilld do you think he will stay way
Debbie78,
Is this guy paying child support? Are you going to retain full custody of the child? After the legal details are worked out, you can communicate through e-mail and make a mutually-agreeable meeting place for him to see his child-w/o contact.
Yes, this man has some serious self-esteem issues-not good for your child to witness his treatment towards you. People that hurt others in this manner do so to make themselves feel better about them selves, they’re called losers!
I wish you all the best with this difficult situation.
“Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.”
– so how should i feel if Mr unavailable has now told me that he IS ready to get close to someone, find a steady, have a real relationship BUT not with me, of course. How can I not feel rejected by that? I feel insulted, humiliated and rejected all at once. In other words, I’m miserable.
annied, if what he says is true, and he is ready to have a real relationship, but just not with you, then he would need to have the following quality – consideration for other people and their feelings. But in that case he would never be so inconsiderate as to say what he said to you. So in fact he has nothing to offer you or anyone else.
wow, thanks peace. i never looked at it that way. you are right. who says that to anyone? let alone someone he claims to “love”. i’m going to copy what you said and put it on my fridge. a lesson for me and my children. thanks again.
annied, peacefog is right, …his words show he has no clue how to be a mature and decent person. It is also possible he is making a point to hurt you, since you rejected him ( I assume) by not being willing to put up with his crappy behavior. Silly clown.
The AC I know definitely had the ” take it or leave it” component to his very difficult personality. When I finally realized that work and compromise was not truly on his radar, I made the choice it was time to ” leave it “, and that meant I was rejecting him. Maybe you did the same thing by putting up some boundaries. The AC then struck out at me by saying some really shocking and cruel things. He was trying to hurt me, since I said I could not accept him anymore, as he was. And that was rejection in my part.
But, I assumed I would get a mature response to my very calmly presented boundaries. Not so at all. After the shock of how cruel , simpleminded and so full of hate he could be, I came to see his angry words as just more AC BS, which he is full of, and knows it.
So, I stopped feeling bad for his rejection of me, and realized it has to be this way. For, you see, I am not willing to accept him as he is, unwilling to work to change and have a healthy relationship and that rejection had to hurt him. And since he is working hard to be OK with himself, coupled with the fact he is not too emotionally capable, the only thing he could do was get mad, like a mean little kid, and reject me back.
Bottom line for me, as NC goes on, is this….their rejection is not as devastating as we initially see it. It really might be more about them doing something to cover their skinny little AC buts. Heck, they may even ” love us’, as much as their skinny lil AC buts are capable of. It matters not, it is not mature and stable love.
For me NC, firm and unwavering, has been the only way to go. It’s a long haul out of the EUM world too, evidenced by the fact that whenever I come back here I realize I am still dealing with the fallout. But I would never trade anything for the progress that I made from developing firm boundaries.
Never feel that you don’t deserve good love. And do everything in your power to give good love to others. But when an AC comes your way, I now know you have to step aside and let him pass. Anything else makes me lose site of what I want..stable, confident and mature loving people.
i am in a seriously bad situation. i have been w/ a chronically unfaithful and abusive man for the past 4 years. i don’t think it was ever just he and i the whole time we were together. it was for me, though. i was loyal to the end. he has probably hit me 8 times since i’ve been w/ him. once, i lost consciousness. the first time was about a year in. i have read countless books on relationships and have read this wonderful website for about a year. i have also been in counseling for over a year. and still, i kept holding on. just recently, i was humiliated to find out he is STILL seeing the same woman he was seeing back in january. the one he swore he had stopped seeing. she texted me..mocking me..asking where my man was last night. normally i would of gotten real nasty w/ her but i just didn’t want to. i am so damn tired of feeling not good enough for him to stay faithful to. i’m worn out emotionally. it is HIM i was upset w/. not her. he is the one that has allowed her to remain in his life. and i’m just tired of it all. i just want to rise above it. i’m sick of fighting for a man that doesn’t give a sh*t about me. and i am FINALLY ready to end it. i just don’t want to do it anymore. but now, he’s saying he can’t move out b/c he can’t afford it and he wants to make it work. i can’t move on when he is still living w/ me and i’m scared of the potential violence if i ask him to leave. but i don’t want to lose the strength it has taken so long to build while he hangs around….chipping away at my decision to end things.
i also don’t want to throw him on the street when he has nowhere to immediately go. i do pay the majority of the bills though. he helps me @ times. i just need some advice on this situation. thanks.
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