Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
To recap from part two:
“when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.”
If you keep internalising his behaviour and making it about you, you can take each of these things and say “I’m not good enough to love, I’m not good enough to be communicated with, I’m not good enough for him to be emotionally available with and so on and so on…”
Whilst you enable assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s behaviour by dancing to their beat and accepting it, they are how they are in spite of you. They were this way before they met you, they are this way now, and they will be this way if you’re smart enough to make a run for it.
This is not about you.
Stop making it all about you because it was never about you in the first place. If you had been at the genuine focal point of his actions and thoughts, you can be damn sure you wouldn’t be at this juncture now.
Hard as this is for you to hear, you set yourself up for hurt, not because you took a chance on love and it bit you in the bum, but because if you are habitually engaging with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and you don’t recognise not only how inappropriate their behaviour is and steer clear of them, they will be catering to conscious and subconscious relationship patterns that you are following because they reverberate with your self-esteem, they are familiar, albeit uncomfortable, and they cater to negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, love, and relationships.
Remember that emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable. Commitment shy draws in commitment shy.
This is about the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘inadvertently’ proving your unworthiness in the quest to validate yourself.
If you compare your version of taking a chance on love to betting on a horse, pursuing Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and expecting better results each time, is like betting on a three legged horse and wondering why it keeps rocking up last….
Read my post on relationship insanity and why we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why we get hurt.
If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Good things don’t feel bad!
2) Opt out. Instead of it always being about assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s rejecting you, isn’t it about time you started ‘rejecting’ them?
3) Stop focusing on the illusion and get real. Pronto! Go back to the list at the start of this post which I took from part two and start asking yourself what you really want, because unless you are happy to do without the basics (which you have actually already attempted), this cannot work.
You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
4) Start determining your own worth. If you have to force someone to ‘attempt’ to recognise your value and they have already opted out, whilst it may take you some time to process things, and overcome the dent to your ego, it’s better to process his behaviour and draw the a conclusion that allows you to move on.
The fact that he doesn’t recognise your value and has chosen to opt out (many of them were never in in the first place) is an ENORMOUS RED FLAG.
You cannot validate yourself on this man. If he didn’t recognise your value when you were with him, he’s certainly not going to recognise it now, and even if he did, what do you think you will gain from this?
5) Whilst you are licking your wounds, obsessing, and potentially wallowing in your perceived rejection, he goes on his merry way and gets on with his life.
If you dwell on what you perceive as ‘rejection’, it indicates ‘obsessing’ which indicates that you are expending serious brainpower stalling from accepting that the relationship is over because you are too busy looking for reasons to blame yourself.
If you are serious about eventually being happy and finding and embracing love, you cannot do this if you don’t process the hurt, heal, and move on.
6) Take one day at a time. You want to fast-forward to no pain or rewind to the hazy glow of illusion. Break-ups hurt, but they hurt even more if you don’t keep it real and be patient with yourself.
7) Knock him off that perch you’ve built up. It’s one thing for him to have an inflated ego, it’s another for you to continuously inflate it by making him out to be something more than he is. Get real very quickly and you will able to see that many of the things you place stock in about Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns mean nothing because they don’t translate to someone who treats you decently.
Check out my posts on But we have so much in common and 10 reasons why women choose men and why they shouldn’t parts one and two.
Cut contact. Staying in touch is like saying ‘Please find 101 ways to reject me again and again whilst I blow smoke up your bum with an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, and possibly even a shag.
9) Write down the bad stuff. Carry it in your handbag, put individual incidences on post-it notes around the house, write them on your mirror in lipstick, create a screensaver, reminders in your phone or whatever, but writing down the bad stuff is a reminder of the real him which you can look at and say ‘Er…no. I’m rejecting his crap!’
10) Stop being so hard on yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces. You want to be treated decently, it starts at home. Stop rejecting yourself by engaging with these clowns and start treating yourself better.
If you’ve spent enough time around these men, you know the deal and you know how the dance plays out, and yet you dance the dance.
And this is a dance. As I explained to a reader the other day, the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.
Your sense of ‘rejection’ can often be very much tied to the good times and feeling that you must have done something really awful to scare him away or that if only you had tried harder, been better, needed less, been accepting, turned a blind eye etc, he wouldn’t have ‘rejected’ you.
As I’ve said, for him, this is about rejecting what a relationship represents and these guys are about whims, short-term highs, ego strokes, getting things on their own terms, the chase, and now being needed, wanted, or expected from, more than they are prepared to give.
Healthy relationships with prospects require two parties with both of their feet in the relationship. It can’t be happy clappy amazing days every day – you need to be able to be able to ride the rough with the smooth. There needs to be trust, love, respect, and care, and you need to be able to be yourself.
Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.
They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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NML, how does this apply to married men? Because I always think that they give all the things that they don’t give to the other woman to their wives. So for me I just feel like I was not good enough to be given those things but his wife is and she is better than me.
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
NML, Well said, as usual.
My therapist gave me an idea – that I actually use.
Wear a hair band on your arm (like a rubberband, but not tight) and every time you start to miss the AC, want the AC, feel rejected by the AC … etc – just THUMP! yourself.
It is a great reminder of the pain this man has caused you.
leeanne,
I don’t think the wives of married men are receiving most of these things either. Is he respecting her or her boundaries if he is seeing another woman behind her back? Is he communicating honestly with her? She is trusting him and he is breaking that trust. He is emotionally unavailable to both of you.
leeanne,
I find it hard to be concerned about the specifics of the disaster, when a bozo takes on the responsibility of being a husband, and messes around. You cannot cheat without a gross failure of character. The details of the failure of the character really aren’t important.
When I have a flat tire, and the side of the tire is shredded – I won’t bother looking to see if there was a nail in the tire, or if there was a screw.
What is important is to start out only with someone that has the signs of healthy character, healthy emotional bonds, and aptitude and interest in being a good mate and co-parent. Then, if you get along and find attraction for each other and happiness – you don’t have to worry about whether he is giving more attention to someone else.
Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home
NML,
Home run again from you ! I love reading your posts – love it, love it, love it ! You are my emotional A.A. meeting ! Or should I call it ‘EUM anonymous’ meeting ? (lol)
And Leanne – he’s married. He’s a total jerk. You are not seeing him clearly. And by choosing him YOU and only you are choosing to be treated as less than. It’s not that his wife deserves – or gets more – it’s that you need to see clearly that if you were healthy in terms of your self-esteem you wouldn’t be interested in someone unavailable. Period. Please redo your frame of reference… Work on yourself, and start making better choices as to who to be interested in. And a better choice starts with a single man who WANTS to do all the things on that list WITH YOU
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Be Back Soon
I want to ask something.My exEUM just apeared again after almost 9 weeks of NC and Im not sure if I handled it well.He texted me on Sunday congratulating my team for had won and I replied with “thank you”.I know I should ignore him but I thought that just saying thank you wasnt a big deal and if he had asked about my life or tried to make a conversation (wich he didnt) I wasnt going to answer.I read here that they just reach out for you to be sure that you still care and so I didnt want to show him that.Like I said I been in NC with him for almost 9 weeks and not even on his birthday I texted him so I think maybe he just contacted me to be see if Im still there.Anyway what I want to know is,you think me having answered it even with just a thank you and not realy sharing anything personal or engaging in a conversation still gave him the ressurance that he was after?
Leeane I have asked myself the same questions as well knowing that my ex had a few relationships that were relatively long term and he says he loved them, and did not love me. THESE ARE ALL WORDS. Suzanne is absolutely right– if he gave all those things to his wife he would not be dating you
Men who cheat are not communicating, loving, etc. And while my ex had a few longer term relationships… they sure aren’t around now. You are making that assumption that we all do to protect ourselves from what we fear “he is better to her than me.” He’s not… actually his wife has it worse. He has made far more promises to her and he is not taking the time to fix his marriage. To put both feet in and tell his wife what is broken and to try and fix it. I would pity this woman, feel sorry for his wife… at least you didn’t marry this guy.
Anusha, Sadly, yes.
Anusha, if your text gave him some kind of satisfaction, fine. Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t worry about his reaction to it! It doesn’t matter to you anymore. Keep up the healing, and focusing on you instead.
Anusha, If you feel fine about it, and like it’s no big deal, then, my dear, it’s no big deal. Who cares what he thinks?! Don’t give it any more thought.
Thanks girls
I just cant see how that is showing him I care and that Im not over him.I didnt ask how he was,I didnt asked what he was up to,I didnt try to make conversation.All I did was say thank you and many hours after he had sent the text.He sent it on Sunday night and I didnt answer until Monday afternoon.So how that could give him the ressurance the wanted?
Just don’t respond again!
Anusha: You will not ever be able to figure out what he is thinking or why he is thinking it. Nor will you ever be able to figure out if he really loved you, etc.
Even psychics will tell you that they truly cannot “read” another person’s mind.
For whatever reason, he reached out. I would like to say that it doesn’t really matter, but to you, it does matter. You are driven to distraction, once again, by his actions.
I certainly empathize. The only thing that you can know for sure, is that you have now spent time wondering what he meant, why he contacted, etc. And, that keeps you mentally engaged with him, which then keeps you emotionally engaged, which then gets you to thinking that maybe there is a possibility that the two of you can get back together, which then leads to . . .
The only thing that you have control of is you. Yes, it hurts to not have the man that you want. Yes, it hurts that he doesn’t love you back. Yes, it hurts that he didn’t choose you. He chose her, his kids, his job, his whatever. The thing is: you are still involved with him, and you don’t want to be.
I hope that you can get past your obsession with him more expeditiously then I am getting past my obsession with my x/eum/ac.
Thank you NML…My story a bit different, I rejected my EUM, after he stood me up for second time..HE called me and texted me after that and begged me to meet him, but I didnt answer, because I realised for 100 time that I cant put up with it any longer!!! He stopped contacting me…I tried to meet new guys, managed to have three dates and all of them want to date me:-( but funny enough I miss my EUM…What is wrong with me??? WHY I cant accept “normal behaviour” from decent guys, and missing a “cr@p” from my ex lover???
NML Thank you sooo much for this site. I am now on Day 14 of NC, kind of, since he did catch me by calling from a different number last week. But as I posted before I was strong and told him again what no contact meant and hung up. I have to say this whole NC thing has been much harder than I thought. I am simply obessed with thoughts about him and what he is doing and who he is doing it with and will he come back and blah blah blah. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better and sometimes I dont. Its the difference in me “thinking he will be back its just a matter of time” and thinking “no he has moved on out of site out of mind he really really was just using you the whole time and he is on to the next one living life not thinking about you at all”. It obviously depends on which post I am reading on this site! LOL! I see now that this is not really cutting contact. This last post has made me realize that it is truly time to stop thinking about him and how much I miss him. NML you are so right he will be the same assclown for every girl after me just as he was for every girl before. I have written down all the bad things he did to me, the things about his personality, his physical appearance, everything that I dont like about him. If I ever find myslelf not being able to stop thinking about him I will only read that paper. As of this day and right now I am done obsessing about him and reading this site over and over all the while hoping the phone will ring with his apology. I know now that it wont and if it does it is literally the devil in disguise coming to drag me down again. He has to become dead to me. Thank you so much for this site it has helped me a lot but in some ways keeps me obsessing. I wont be back unless he contacts me and I need some support. Good luck to all of you.
Alika,
You are not alone – I’m dealing with the same conflict right now. Have been healing, dealing with my own issues as NML recommends and realizing that, as this post says, it isn’t a reflection about me. However, as I am back out there meeting people, I can’t help but thinking of how the ac would react, or how his reaction would be so much better than the guy I’m out on a date with. I’m taking this as a sign that a) I am dating guys that aren’t the right match for me, and that b) it is okay to want that “feeling” again, only just that I need to make sure I find it with someone who is not an EUM or AC.
Anusha…..I think any attention you give this guy is an ego stroke for him. He is trying to see if you’re still there for him. Thing is, now you’re worrying about it and that effects your life.
I went through this myself of not being able to let go after the breakup. Months could go by and then out of the blue he would be back, phone calling, IMing his fingers off. I made the mistake several times of speaking to him. What I found is nothing had changed except I had less standing in his life then when I was the gf. He basically had a free shoulder to cry on and/or an ego stroke with none of the pesky problems that come with being in a committed relationship. Why give them that gift?
When they play the “friend card”, they can phone you up for a week or two straight and then you may start to think that he misses you or wants you back only to have them disappear again for another couple of days, weeks or months. So I did what I had to do, cut all contact for good. It’s very hard to do, it can hurt if you still have feelings for him. You may sit around and worry that you’re hurting his feelings by ignoring him but you have to ask yourself, did he care about your feelings when he treated you badly? The answer is no, so even though we are decent women and don’t normally just stop talking to people, in this case you have to cut all contact if you want to move on and get healthy. Otherwise they will stay in your life as long as you let them. They are users and wouldn’t know a real relationship if they tripped over it. If you look into their past they usually have a long history of failed relationships, which I can say in my case I ignored as a big red flag.
This was a great series of posts by NML and it has made me feel a lot better about NC and sticking to it. I now am coming to grips with the reality that it wasn’t me that he was rejecting, it was having a relationship with ANY woman. Even though I broke up with him he basically was forcing me into it, because as NML says they can’t commit to being with you and they can commit to being without you. So we have to take the reins and say no more, adios, hit the road, get lost, bye bye and mean it.
Alika, how long have you been NC? Maybe it’s a sign that it’s too soon to date?
Oops, I mean Rachel! (Post above).
Thanks for the answers
myalmostlover,I think you are right.It did afect me what he did and I caught myself worring about it and checking my mobile after his text.I see the point now,the problem isnt what he might be thinking about my answer or if was a ego stroke to him or not.The problem is how that afected me and how got me emotionaly and mentaly engaged with him.Anyway for one side that was good cause now I know that he has no idea of what a friendship is.After more than 2 months without contact all he can say is “congratulations for your team winning”? He didnt ask how I was or what I was up to.That realy shows that he has no idea of what it realy means to be a friend.So was good for me to see that isnt worth to be his friend and that I probably just would end up frustrated and unsatisfacted like I was in my relationship with him.Anyway I learned my lesson now and if he text again I might not answer anymore and just continue fully NC with him like I have been doing for the past weeks.
“Whilst you enable assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s behaviour by dancing to their beat and accepting it, they are how they are in spite of you”
I can honestly say that I’ve never manipulated a man to change ‘outright’ by begging, pleading, clinging, etc but I sure did expect him to change merely for the reason that he was with ‘me’. I was magically supposed to inspire him to be a better man =). I didn’t think this consciously, but I believed if I could get an unavailable, emotionally cruel man to fall madly in love with me then I would “finally” be worth (anything as a person). That really makes me sound like a narcissist but it’s absolutely true and at the same time makes me sound like someone with incredibly low self-esteem. What an unbelievable oxymoron.
myalmostlover, you said what I’ve been trying to say myself. The downgrading in the relationship I had with my ex AC hurt more than anything, I think. Every time I went back, I got a little bit less. And he always had the perfect excuse should I complain – we are only friends!
I have finally realized that I gave him more than he ever, ever gave me. I made this into an important relationship. I made him into an important person in my life. Did he do the same? Never did and never will. Definitely still stings.
The previous post of mine was a confession I guess but this one is me thinking out loud….
“…the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.”
What p*sses me off is that my AC was banking on me responding like I did the last three years. And he was not just doing this to me….I’m certain there were several others around the same time as me. He teetered and totted between a host of women and gave absolutely nothing but reaped the benefits of ego stroke, hook-ups and God only knows what else. I walk away with less then crumbs and some bad memories but I walk away nonetheless. Thanks again NML….your brilliant.
Metsgirl: “I was magically supposed to inspire him to be a better man =). I didn’t think this consciously, but I believed if I could get an unavailable, emotionally cruel man to fall madly in love with me then I would “finally†be worth (anything as a person). That really makes me sound like a narcissist but it’s absolutely true and at the same time makes me sound like someone with incredibly low self-esteem. What an unbelievable oxymoron.”
You have articulated what was very much in my (subconscious) head with my assclown. I somehow thought that being with me would bring out all of the potential I saw in him – that he would magically start communicating, bonding, being intimate, and sharing feelings with me because I was so much more understanding than his ex-wife. What horseshit. The thing I still struggle with is the idea that the office hooch he left me for somehow has those magical abilities that I turned out not to have. So…yeah. Still working on my distorted thinking patterns…
metsgirl & stacy – your last two comments are priceless. i felt EXACTLY the same way. i always had the other women they were doing who knows what with built up in my mind as some type of supermodels – then i would see pictures of them & it was nothing like i imagined. i find it hard to believe these women had any more “magical abilities” then me or you. it’s all maddending & thanks to NML – it becomes so much more clear. she is brilliant.
Well me too, I really believed that I was the ‘magical’ one to see the real him and bring out all his potential (then of course I would be worth something too).
I know now that there is no potential to bring out, what you see is usually what you get with these men, only problem is actually seeing it when the love blinkers are strapped to your head.
My blinkers are off, I know what I’m dealing with, I have no expectations of him, I know my issues and why I got so involved, I won’t do it again and yet – I STILL I can’t quite leave him be – I think I enjoy the dance, and I’m not really comfortable with what that implies about me.
These blogs really do help, every one seems to capture the confusion that we seem to feel, and it seems that the learning process is different for each of us – so I guess as long as we are learning, we will get there in the end. It’s taking me forever though, hope I move on before I’m too old to appreciate it!
metsgirl July 1st, 2009, 3:45 pm
“I didn’t think this consciously, but I believed if I could get an unavailable, emotionally cruel man to fall madly in love with me then I would “finally†be worth (anything as a person). That really makes me sound like a narcissist but it’s absolutely true and at the same time makes me sound like someone with incredibly low self-esteem. What an unbelievable oxymoron.”
I don’t know you metsgirl, or anything about you, but your post, to me, reflects a deep need to get someone to love you – whether it’s Father issues – you could never really get your Dad to love you no matter how wonderful or good you were – or self-esteem issues – you can’t get you to love you and never feel good enough – or both! I have both – most of us on this site probably do. But I think realizing that, and not beating ourselves up for it, but instead loving ourselves – giving ourselves what we need – is the most important first step.
And OMG, Elizabeth and Stacy and Myalmost lover, one of the most difficult things for me to deal with is believing – every time my EUM disappears, or withdraws partially from my life for another woman – that he has found LOVE and will be able to whole heartedly commit to this new “magic” woman. It kills me. Because if it weren’t LOVE, why would he risk losing someone as fantastic as me by withdrawing!? But what I’ve realized about my EUM, is that he is in love with love – in love with the first romantic stages of courtship – and after that romance is over, and the chick wants something more from him and he can’t deliver – she usually ends up leaving his a$$, and he ends up incredibly hurt and wounded, and limping back to me! I don’t deny or diminish the pain this guy feels – I know it’s real. He just CAN’T figure out why his relationships don’t work. I thought I could help him – I don’t know how, what, when, where and why – but I am completely powerless to do so. He may as well be blind. And I can’t allow myself to be hurt anymore.
Gosh, I’ve been mulling over my post for the past…hour or so, and I realize that my particular Achilles heel, with men, is UNDERSTANDING, and wanting to help them, rescue them – I’m Florence Nightingale for the walking wounded, emotional zombies. But I’ve made a connection now with my Father. My mother died when I was three years old. I don’t remember her loss, but I do remember, for years, being my father’s emotional sponge. I took in all his sadness, and he clung to me as a piece, or memory of her. Shit!
PlanetJane,
I think I know what you are talking about … perhaps many of us have indeed been caretakers to our parents at some point in our lives, internalised the experience and are still, on some level, living our childhoods as adults. I know I was and still am to some extent; dad passed on when I was seven so I had to start seeing to mum being ok and coping with the loss. I know now though that all this contrubited hugely towards the men I choose in my life (EUM’s), and not least how I felt about myself.
Initially, I felt terribly rejected by my EUM and also thought he’d magically change into a fab chap after moving on to the next woman. Well I hardly believe it now, actually it doesn’t matter anymore. Not one bit! It took a few months to ‘get back to me’, but it was worth the initial struggle. After going NC, and realising after one relapse into contact with him that it really wasn’t worth it.
I too thought I was going to bring about some kind of magical change in him and we could then be happy. Of course it didn’t work and I am working towards emotional health now and my own happiness, as so many of you are. When I read some of the posts here I feel proud! Many of us come from a dark place or we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in … or were in but there’s such potential for change in our lives once we really want to. I do believe our childhood experiences make the foundation for who we are today but we can always move on as best we can.
Good luck to you all, and thanks all for sharing your stories, it has really helped me to grow and move on from a painful place x
Hi PlanetJane,
We haven’t dated since November but the last time we spoke was May (I know, I keep breaking the NC). I have to remember that I fall into a pattern of overrationalizing bad behaviour (“oh sure, he must be busy, scared, etc….) and that is not good for me!
I need to work more on my own health and happiness, which I am in the process of doing, and making progress on. I really did not like how I became while with him (something I should write in big letters and post where I see it every day) but I did like the connection we had.
My recent epiphany: Stop trying to bond with men that don’t want to or know how to bond. God bless you NML
We all would like to thing somehow, that our case is different, when in fact, they all play out pretty much the same.
The sad truth is, some of us take pleasure in pain. It is what we are used to, and it feels familiar. Like we have come home. But there is another way, and it doesn’t start with others, it starts with you, and only you.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..The Love Triangle – The Ugly Side of Human Nature
There was a little girl
Who had a little churl
In an affair unbelievably torrid.
And when it was good,
It was VERY, VERY good,
But when it was bad,
It was HORRID.
I agree, searchingwithin, that sometimes the pain is all we know. Like that wiggly tooth you can’t keep your tongue away from. Brad wrote in one of his posts about the need for drama — I’m beginning to feel that my magnatism to unavailable men reinforces that “poor little me” side of myself. Infuriating! But recognizing that self-fulfilling problem begins the healing!! Stay strong, ladies!
I would appreciate some advice, please! …. Its been over a month since NC with my ex EUM/AC dipsh*it of a man. His last text to me was “…. I hope your day gets better…” after informing him that I was pregnant… Haven’t heard back since. Enough time has passed for me to realize my true suspicions of the the piece of road kill this homo sapiens is. My problem is that he texted my 14 y/o daughter yesterday (I believe in hopes of trying to find out about me). Do I text/call him and let him know I do not want him to communicate with my daughter? … Do I let it sit? … I’m not one to teach my daughter about anymosity, but I’ve moved on stronger and better than ever, and I really do not want my daughter having any communication with this man since I’ve closed the chapter on this one and moved on…HELP!!!!
Anusha…..I know it’s hard, it’s really hard. Going through something like this makes you feel like crap. There are many tears shed and a feeling of loss in your life. But in the end all those tears and obsessing really gets us no where, just wasted pain for someone that doesn’t appreciate us. It took me many months to stop putting him on a pedestal and only remembering the good times and there were good times. But the bad times at the end were so much worse. Love should not hurt that way. Love has it’s ups and downs but there should be a balance. There is no balance in an EUM relationship. It’s always about him and what you can do for him.
It sounds like you’re on the road to recovery. The further you get from him the better you’ll feel.
Cyclingirl,
How horrible. What a piece of crap he is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you block the number on her phone?
Gayle,
I did, I deleted his number, blocked text too! Piece of crap is putting it mildly girl!!!! Those words of “… I hope your day gets better…” don’t seem to get out of my head, thus I’ve been working really hard at putting this behind me… It’s tough!!!!
This site is awesome. I come back when the tide is high and I’m stuck trying to over think his intentions when I “run” into him. I was DJing and he showed up. We’re in the same org. At the end of the night, there was an afterparty, that I knew he would be at. I mentioned to him I would stop be and we spend time. He was cool with that. He was there when I showed up we spoke breifly, 20 minutes later, he was gone. I did not not catch we was gone till 45min later. I left and text him three times cussing him out. I turned off my phone after the last text. Next, mornin, I have a barrage of messages that he was looking for me and wanted uniterrupted time together. Turns out he dropped off a VIP of the org at the hotel. I mentioned in a later text, why did’nt you tell me,I’ve would’ve waited around….See I go back and forth again hopin this time around every time around…I’m the Magic lady he would change for…he wanted me to leave and probably did not want me there in the first place. It’s hard to break the dance when its so exciting for the crumbs you get. Last NC was only a few weeks ago. I really think I have an a healthy ego and self esteem but this man gets to the bad girl for liking a bad boy. I’ve always played safe in other relationships so..this is so out of character. But I think as successful women we sometimes get bored with handling our business so well that a distraction of any sort gives us a break from our everyday lives…Just a thought
Cyclinggirl,
Was he calling from another phone?
You could advise him that you’re going to notify the police if he contacts either of you again.
Yes. Those words are unbelievable!!!!! How long were you together?
Hi Ladies,
Just wanted to share some books that have been incredibly helpful to me in growing through this experience with my EUM. Nothing has come close to providing the information that this site and the e-book has provided! NML is straight to the point, and if I hadn’t come across her book and posts – and all y’alls input – I would still be trying to figure things out, not knowing what to do, and that others experience the SAME things. Information is incredibly valuable. But here are the books I’ve loved for slow and quiet learning and larger growth issues:
Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody
How to be an Adult in Relationships, David Richo
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
Heartwounds, Tian Dayton
Much love to you all.
I have been through the whole stage of emotions regarding my “friend”- shock, denial, confusion, pain, anger… and finally I think I am at acceptance..or maybe repulsion. I was forced to interact with him and after so many months of his subtle “attitude”, I really lost it.
I made the mistake of speaking to him directly (after ignoring him for 3 months) about an upcoming project and his answer/attitude/tone was way beyond anything I had ever experienced—- the sheer nastiness and meanness was unbelievable. I shouldn’t have, but I said (quite matter-of-factly) “You really are an asshole” and walked away. He took the next opportunity (a few minutes later) to try to humiliate me, announcing to our manager that he refused to interact with me for the 30-seconds doing so would have required.
I realized like a ton of bricks what a petty, small, nasty person he really is. He is NOT a nice guy (or the hurt, wounded lost soul) who can be bad now and then. He is a bad guy who tries to hide it by being “nice” as required to function in society.
This is very true but has been hard for me to comprehend: “They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship…”
My manager spoke to me after most people had gone and immediately said “He has problems”– Without knowing anything about our broken friendship, my manager said “He’s got big problems and he’s decided to take them out on you. It’s not about you at all. It’s all HIS problem”. The handful of others there agreed. It was such a relief I started to cry (sympathy and kindness can make me cry). It was a relief to know that not everyone thinks he’s such a great guy!
Had it always been so obvious? Had I really been blind to what other people so clearly saw?
I very much regret “trying” to be or remain his friend. I very much regret the efforts I made to maintain a friendship when he had no genuine interest in being a decent guy. I look back and I fear my attempts to repair whatever was “broken” made me appear unhealthy– as though I have exposed some “neediness”.
I used to see him with his latest girlfriend and wonder what I was lacking that prevented us from being friends. Now I pity her. Because she either doesn’t who he really is…. or is just as unhealthy as he is. It’s scares me a little to wonder how unhealthy I must have been to either 1-find him intriguing or 2-be fooled by his “mask”.
I no longer pity the “wounded lost soul”. I see him as sick, cowardly and repulsive.
Okay so how do I stop wanting to kick myself for being so blind?
Was I blind or are these types very skilled at hiding who they really are? Both I think
My manager said he’d deal with the issue, and I can only imagine how twisted the AC is going to make ME seem.
Okay so how do I stop wanting to kick myself for being so blind?
I feel the same way right now TJ – and all I’ve been able to come up with is that I’ve learned, and I can go forward with my eyes open. I’m a better person and it won’t happen again. It’s not much when you’re looking back, but when you’re looking forward, it’s everything!
TJ don’t kick yourself for being blind, I think that as they have no real emotional guide as to how to behave, they learn the rules and are good at mimicking the correct behaviour to get the right results. So why would anyone question this until you get to see that the behaviour is not always consistent.
Sounds like you have a good and perceptive manager, and that co workers are pretty perceptive too. I’d say that as long as you maintain your professional dignity and keep all emotional reaction to the guy out of the office, then you are on higher ground and your colleagues know it.
I have worked with many an AC ( unfortunately I get on very well with these types both professionally and personally) and have learned that being true to yourself and non emotional in a work context pays, others ALWAYS realise the truth about these types in the end.
Good luck, you will be OK for sure
sadthing’s last blog post..Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns – Part Three
TJ,
Bozos that make winning bed partners their life-skill, that have no ethics or morals above winning, look like regular people. But if you notice the people that respect them, how people you respect feel about them, and you notice whether their words suit their actions – and their actions are about honorable interactions with community, authority, and friends – you will be able to spot the bozos.
But you have to look for them. You have to be honest, and understand that there are dishonest people out there. They look for targets, people they can work to their advantage, for the moment.
It sounds like this guy is coming unglued, and his employer – and others – are failing their responsibilities to get him the psychiatric help he apparently needs.
Take care of yourself, he may well be dangerous as long as he knows where you work.
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner
Gayle,
The number he texted was his own (my daughter and his son are very good friends)…. We were together for a little over a year. A year I don’t ever want to think back about!!!
Yes, you are so right, NML. I said please find 101 ways to reject me again and failing at no contact, however I did finally realize how much sabataging of myself I did. Despite being in no contact mode I still had his numbers in my mobile , I would still visit his web site, even though I improved a whole lot on my texting of him I cut it to zero in 5 months I still had the ability to text him if I wanted. Recently I went back to the places we visited when we were dating which I set myself up to be vunerable and because I had not deleted his mobile number I ended up texting…. so I have finally concluded that I wasn’t in full no contact mode after having lunch with him and realizing I was being ridiculous I knew I needed to d more… so I have deleted his numbers from my phone and if I happen to be in places we visited when dating then I shall create new memories or shrug and reming myself what and assclown he is. I have also deleted the number I had of a friend of his so there can be no information via the backdoor. And I will just have to stay of his web site…
Yes, he has certainly danced the dance million of times before and as far as I could tell from lunch he is still dancing it… so here is to freeing myself properly I know I can do it….
I have gotten so much insight from all of you folks and am so grateful. I am on almost 4 months of NC and I was hoping the emotional funk would go away… I meet my EUM on the internet in the summer of 2007..long distance. I have very little dating experience even though I am 35 I have been focused on school and work and always had trouble meeting guys that were Christian and passionate about environmental and social justice issues. I feel hard for this guy like no one else ever before.. I meet him right away because he was going through my town to go west .. then he came back and we meet up again and kept communicated via phone went got together a couple times after that in the next few months.. once at my friend’s house in between. he had to cancel because of back problems but I didn’t think anything of it because he did it with plenty of notice.. a couple of weeks later we got together..he invited me early on in the communication to give a guest lecture in his class and spend fall break with him afterwards. it was so flattering that he was so interested in my research and figuring out ways to get me out there.. I spent a lot of time on the lecture and was so looking forward to spending fall break with him. (No real relationship talk yet but he has certainly has made plenty of suggestive comments) The night before he calls and tells me that he is not ready for a relationship he is still got funk from an ex.. he’s Mom left his Dad with an affair.. etc. basically freak out.. so it was decided I wasn’t going to come and we could keep communicated.. in the friend with potential category.. dumb I know I should have ran but I was hooked at that point and thought he could get better .. of course he said he wanted to… we kept communicated .. it got worse though with communication because he dropped his cell phone in the sink and for some reason he couldn’t get it fixed.. had no land line of internet at home so we could only communicate when he was at work with schedule phone talks … he was going to come see me for Winter Break.. he e-mailed me the day off to tell me wasn’t coming.. I was worried sick because I thought he was going to call once he got part way there.. and I didn’t check my e-mail of course.. it was decided after that we would take a break.. again dumb.. I should have exited but I was so hooked. We talked in a month and he still had not gotten his cell phone fixed (after 4 months now) and that was part of the deal for me staying in.. he said he would get it fixed… he e-mailed a few days later said he still planned to get it fixed.. then silence…weeks went by ..and then I sent an e-mail and ended it saying that I hope some day he would get out of the dark place he was in.. he replied right away and said yes let’s start again some day.. besides the ex funk.. he also was stressed about work ( I already knew that) and some health stuff that he had not told me..
I felt so awful about it for months after wards.. picked myself and tried to date again.. nothing came of it .. was still thinking of EUM (but didn’t know that is who he was then.. duh!) .. I e-mailed him 6 months later.. he was really interested.. told him he couldn’t stand me up again that he had to tell me what was going on emotionally this time.. he said he was over ex stuff .. ready to have a relationship.. it was wonderful.. minus a few things.. and the fact that he managed to have all the break periods booked but we did go back and forth over tight weekends.. I spend many months looking forward to spring break and when we would not have to worry about the winter weather keeping from seeing each.. then bam!… out of nowhere after 6 months of pretty regular communication.. he called me up .. 2 hours after we had a great conversation.. said he couldn’t sleep.. we have no future and then he said I wasn’t interested.. he wasn’t interested .. we should just be friends… What!!! i was like why would I spend all this time traveling… on the phone.. etc if I wasn’t interested? I have a thesis to write friends and family where I am at?.. It was so strange!!! and the fact that he wasn’t interested was so humiliating… why did he send me flowers a few weeks before on my birthday? I don’t get it.. But reading the postings and the blogs help to get it.. the fact that I will never get it because these guys don’t make any sense. I really debate about the whole send the final letter thing
Sorry I pressed submit before I finished and before I edited at all. urgh.. hopefully the babble makes some sense.. I was going to say I debate about the closer the final letter would give and the NC. the discussion on that occurred a bit earlier in this blog. I can see benefits to both. I feel like I didn’t really get to say what I waned to say in that crazy phone call because I was in emotional shock.. he emailed less than two weeks later saying he hadn’t heard from me so he was wondering if there would be anymore communication.. said he still wanted to be friends but would understand if I couldn’t do that.. (I had an immediate reaction to his friend offer over the phone.. I don’t to be another Brooke.. a female friend of his he used to date that drops everything to go climbing with him in exotic places.. I did tell I was concerned about this… that I would not do that kind of this thing unless I were dating.. I don’t have time!) anyway he was like but I like being friends with Brooke you can’t like it is a negative thing! anyway… the e-mail didn’t say much else but sorry it didn’t work out.. I have no idea why it didn’t work out.. he didn’t give me any answers to my questions on the phone.. though I could have asked a lot more! Anyway, the desire to say something to give some kind closure rather than the confusion that they give you is so poignant even after all these months.. I really hope the NC works like all of you say.. it has been so long!. My friends are so sick of it and wonder why I can’t move on from this.. I love your names “dazed and confused”.. brokenheartedbabble.. devasted.. I so understand.. I feel like the innocent and trust that I once had has been compromised now and this makes me very sad! Sorry for the long post
Emotional Whiplash,
This idiot has really jerked you around!!! I lost count on how many times he canceled on you. How old is he? I can’t believe this nonsense with the mobile phone.
Please don’t send the letter it won’t make any difference, he won’t get it. What do you want to get out of sending the letter?
Go NC and continue to come here for support and guidance re. this issue.
Whiplash, (love the name
I think you need to go to the post from NML about your own personal boudaries. This will help you set your bottom line and deal breakers. I am so sorry you have gone through this, it is very very familiar, what an a..hole, you deserve the best, I wish that for you. Cycling girl, I think your daughter needs to make the call to delete him from her life for herself too, it will empower her for future liassons with any man that shows he is unworthy of her time and love, maybe a ritual for the both of you might make it a lasting and empowering experience rather than a horrid severing of connection which must be so awful for you, I’m sorry he wasn’t the man he should have been.
peace
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