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Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
To recap from part two:
“when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.”
If you keep internalising his behaviour and making it about you, you can take each of these things and say “I’m not good enough to love, I’m not good enough to be communicated with, I’m not good enough for him to be emotionally available with and so on and so on…”
Whilst you enable assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s behaviour by dancing to their beat and accepting it, they are how they are in spite of you. They were this way before they met you, they are this way now, and they will be this way if you’re smart enough to make a run for it.
This is not about you.
Stop making it all about you because it was never about you in the first place. If you had been at the genuine focal point of his actions and thoughts, you can be damn sure you wouldn’t be at this juncture now.
Hard as this is for you to hear, you set yourself up for hurt, not because you took a chance on love and it bit you in the bum, but because if you are habitually engaging with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and you don’t recognise not only how inappropriate their behaviour is and steer clear of them, they will be catering to conscious and subconscious relationship patterns that you are following because they reverberate with your self-esteem, they are familiar, albeit uncomfortable, and they cater to negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, love, and relationships.
Remember that emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable. Commitment shy draws in commitment shy.
This is about the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘inadvertently’ proving your unworthiness in the quest to validate yourself.
If you compare your version of taking a chance on love to betting on a horse, pursuing Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and expecting better results each time, is like betting on a three legged horse and wondering why it keeps rocking up last….
Read my post on relationship insanity and why we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why we get hurt.
If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Good things don’t feel bad!
2) Opt out. Instead of it always being about assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s rejecting you, isn’t it about time you started ‘rejecting’ them?
3) Stop focusing on the illusion and get real. Pronto! Go back to the list at the start of this post which I took from part two and start asking yourself what you really want, because unless you are happy to do without the basics (which you have actually already attempted), this cannot work.
You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
4) Start determining your own worth. If you have to force someone to ‘attempt’ to recognise your value and they have already opted out, whilst it may take you some time to process things, and overcome the dent to your ego, it’s better to process his behaviour and draw the a conclusion that allows you to move on.
The fact that he doesn’t recognise your value and has chosen to opt out (many of them were never in in the first place) is an ENORMOUS RED FLAG.
You cannot validate yourself on this man. If he didn’t recognise your value when you were with him, he’s certainly not going to recognise it now, and even if he did, what do you think you will gain from this?
5) Whilst you are licking your wounds, obsessing, and potentially wallowing in your perceived rejection, he goes on his merry way and gets on with his life.
If you dwell on what you perceive as ‘rejection’, it indicates ‘obsessing’ which indicates that you are expending serious brainpower stalling from accepting that the relationship is over because you are too busy looking for reasons to blame yourself.
If you are serious about eventually being happy and finding and embracing love, you cannot do this if you don’t process the hurt, heal, and move on.
6) Take one day at a time. You want to fast-forward to no pain or rewind to the hazy glow of illusion. Break-ups hurt, but they hurt even more if you don’t keep it real and be patient with yourself.
7) Knock him off that perch you’ve built up. It’s one thing for him to have an inflated ego, it’s another for you to continuously inflate it by making him out to be something more than he is. Get real very quickly and you will able to see that many of the things you place stock in about Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns mean nothing because they don’t translate to someone who treats you decently.
Check out my posts on But we have so much in common and 10 reasons why women choose men and why they shouldn’t parts one and two.
Cut contact. Staying in touch is like saying ‘Please find 101 ways to reject me again and again whilst I blow smoke up your bum with an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, and possibly even a shag.
9) Write down the bad stuff. Carry it in your handbag, put individual incidences on post-it notes around the house, write them on your mirror in lipstick, create a screensaver, reminders in your phone or whatever, but writing down the bad stuff is a reminder of the real him which you can look at and say ‘Er…no. I’m rejecting his crap!’
10) Stop being so hard on yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces. You want to be treated decently, it starts at home. Stop rejecting yourself by engaging with these clowns and start treating yourself better.
If you’ve spent enough time around these men, you know the deal and you know how the dance plays out, and yet you dance the dance.
And this is a dance. As I explained to a reader the other day, the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.
Your sense of ‘rejection’ can often be very much tied to the good times and feeling that you must have done something really awful to scare him away or that if only you had tried harder, been better, needed less, been accepting, turned a blind eye etc, he wouldn’t have ‘rejected’ you.
As I’ve said, for him, this is about rejecting what a relationship represents and these guys are about whims, short-term highs, ego strokes, getting things on their own terms, the chase, and now being needed, wanted, or expected from, more than they are prepared to give.
Healthy relationships with prospects require two parties with both of their feet in the relationship. It can’t be happy clappy amazing days every day – you need to be able to be able to ride the rough with the smooth. There needs to be trust, love, respect, and care, and you need to be able to be yourself.
Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.
They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Emotional Whiplash -
I got the disappearing act…trust me…he could’ve disappeared and left you even more messed up like my AC did. I sent a letter…and got no response. That was January. I am still on the fence of if I should have mailed it…I wanted my own closure…but his none response ended up adding to my humiliation. Deep down inside I realize I wanted him to call and have that last conversation…or to try and make sense of things. It is not going to help you…it is going to prolong the healing. Write the letter and rip it up. Please pick yourself up and move forward.
I am still in denial about the anger I should feel. I wish I could be angry but it is just not happening.
I wanted to share how much strength and support I feel by reading your comments here. I wish there were something we could do for each other to take some of the pain away. The stories are all different in their own ways…but yet we share so much in common. Just wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for sharing here.
I will say that for me the road is hard. I have been nc for 3 months. It definitely does get easier, the pain lessens as real life goes on. Something I never thought would happpen. It helped me to make a list of all the mean, crappy things he did….carry it with me and read it as necessary. ALSO, I copied some of NML’s advice, comments and carry those with me too. Sort of like a dose of medicine I take as necessary.
To those of you considering one final comment to your respective assholes….I would suggest NOT sending one. I did and I was very sorry. Just made me seem desperate and even more vulnerable. Any strong emotion (anger!) can feed their sense of control over you and stroke their ego. I ended up regretting stooping to that level and wishing I’d just let it go. For what it’s worth, my 2 cents.
Stay strong ladies. At least we’ve discovered how much love we have inside. We can share that with our family and friends and here with each other.
Bless you all.
Why are AC irresponsible even in the light of bad consequences to their behavior? I hope someone can help shed some light on this. My ex-AC/EUM was so irresponsible with his child, finances, home, car everything and then paniced when sh*t hit the fan. He let his child eat candy whenever, decide what she wanted for dinner, breakfast etc…if she wanted junk food every day and she did. Her toothbrush was worn down to the plastice part and she had to ask him to replace it after she read a book about replacing toothbrushes but he replaced his regularly. Rarely did he insist on her eating healthy as an example.
Thanks for your help!!
Thank you everybody for the suport
He havent sent anything more,at first I thought that text was a excuse to start contact with me again(that how it started the first time,with him texting me on my birthday what lead to 2 months of daily texts).But since he didnt send anything more I dont think it was that.I can say it realy got me thinking about him and missing him but now Im back in control.I do have that strong yearning for him yet but I know he isnt good for me and cant give me what I want so I have to be away.I will continue NC and hopefuly with time it will go away.
I think one thing to learn here is to STOP. Immediately.
I did all of these things and this is my biggest regret:
It’s hard but don’t try to get closure, don’t try to get him to explain, don’t try to get him to tell you what happened, don’t feel sorry for him and try to mend fences, don’t feel angry and try to get the last word, don’t initiate contact when you feel you’re over him, don’t accept contact when you think he might have changed, don’t become frozen/unable to move on, don’t waste months in an emotional stupor, don’t waste months trying to figure it all out, don’t contact him to be friends, don’t contact him to let him know he’s forgiven and you’ve moved on, don’t make contact to show you’re the bigger person, don’t think you can “love by example”, don’t think he’s changed because he met someone different, don’t blame yourself.
The second you understand who and what he is– slam the door and never open it again. This sounds harsh and for me, it goes against what I belief as far as my faith goes. But these types are toxic and destructive. Not only can they hurt your heart, they can insidiously damage even your “public image” by skillfully painting you as the typical “crazy bitch who won’t let go”.
Save yourself the heartache, the craziness, the humiliation, the drama– because that’s all it will ever be with these types. You can’t win, and they’re no prize anyway!
I’m wiser now but I’m so angry with myself for being so stupid.
What ticks me off the most is– when I first laid eyes on the man, my gut reaction was “womanizer” and then he played the “poor me” card. He’s been manipulating for 50 years.
EmotionalWhiplash,
I am so sorry…I had the same experience, but mine was here, in London…When he wanted my company he used to text and call me 50 times a day!!! But when he didnt want it, he would disappear for days without single message or call.. I was so fed up with his behaviour and after two stood ups, I ended it…
Please stop contacting your AC, he stood you up too many times and made his stupid excuses…HE doenst deserve you, I am sure you will meet someone nice eventually, you are only 35!!!
tj:
Amen tj! great, great advice–from someone (me) who also learned the hard way. BTW forgive yourself if you’ve slipped….just move ON.
tj- your message is so spot on.. even for those of us who have gone through months of NC .. the EUM/AC is still present in us .. all the emotional things you described I have been through and still am.. It seems like you are dealing more with an AC though..
The whole AC vs EUM debate. I don’t know how many of you think about this.. My Dad says you young people have such a different way of describing things.. what used to be described as problems are now described as issues.. when guys acted poorly they were described as jerks now they are described as not emotionally available..
I think it relates to the whole anger desire that Kimba has.. because I have two rounds with my EUM I have insight on both.. I felt he was a total EUM the first round and I could not feel really angry no matter how hard I tried.. he did the disappearing thing on round 1 but he did respond when I sent the cut off letter that said maybe some other time.. there would have been no round 2 had he not responded.. so it was me thinking poor him even though it was so painful.. this time seems worse because now I have the rejection pain and I am angry.. but I wonder why? He is clearly a wounded guy though he acted like he was fine in round 2 .. I don’t know if anger is better .. it keeps me in NC more tightly because I don’t want to feel anymore rejection but it is still really, really painful.. I am not sure the pain is always better on the other side of the fence since I have been on both sides.. ugh.. yes but there is the poor me card with him on round 2 when he described his previous relationships.. They are so charming that we get blinded and we hope that we are sweet enough for them to share what is really going on with them.. that is what I asked of him on round 2 but I don’t think he was really capable of it…
Isabella,
I think there are two parts to the answer to why AC are so irresponsible.
The first part – is it is the irresponsible actions, the neglect or meanness, that earns them the bozo label.
The second part is that they never chose to be in a home or family. They are perpetual daters, and have no understanding of responsible behavior with respect to home, family, community, faith, employer, etc. If it isn’t a date – sex play or setup for sex play, or other social recreation – it is low on the priority list. A perpetual dater is actually acting as responsibly as he intends. You just expect that, since he allowed himself to fall into a different role, where it looks like he should be acting as a mate and a co-parent – he hasn’t chosen to make the transition. And likely never will. Not only that – his behavior pattern also earns him the label “untrainable” – he won’t change or adapt when he notices a need. He just won’t notice a need, he never will, because the needs of a mate or co-parent role are outside what a perpetial dater needs to enjoy his social recreation.
You might get a dozen snakes to pull a lawnmower, or an AC to be a good mate and co-parent. But I doubt it.
Don’t spend a lot of time wondering why someone on a different life path does whatever it is they do. What is important is choosing the right people to accompany you on your life path – that is, suitable honest, respectful, trainable, joyful, compassionate, disciplined people. Then if someone catches your eye, you have a much better chance of a happy ever after.
Choosing the “best” lounge lizard, still has you dragging a lizard home. Don’t ask.
Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home
“Thank you everybody for the suport He havent sent anything more,at first I thought that text was a excuse to start contact with me again(that how it started the first time,with him texting me on my birthday what lead to 2 months of daily texts).But since he didnt send anything more I dont think it was that.I can say it realy got me thinking about him and missing him but now Im back in control.I do have that strong yearning for him yet but I know he isnt good for me and cant give me what I want so I have to be away.I will continue NC and hopefuly with time it will go away.”
Anusha, it’s so nice…well, nice probably isn’t the word, but, to see that just one text can spark somone elses deep feelings and longing like it does me. And It makes me realize how much I really need to maintain no contact, and reminds me WHY and how it is so necessary. I cannot have contact with this person, and just be friends with this person, without suffering in the long run. Thanks! And I’m glad he hasn’t contacted you again (-:
Love.
Excellent ending to this post series. As usual, thank you.
Brad K– Thank you!! I always wondered that about the ex-AC and thank goodness, he is an Ex. I don’t have children but I do know what was right and wrong or harmful and not. Eating cookies, chips, candy, hot dogs, nachos, pizza almost everyday was harmful to a growing body. Too bad this 9 year old child had to be an adult in some areas earlier than her 9 years.
I can honestly breath a big sigh of relief that this person is out of my life. I decided last year in September after much pain from the situation that I wasn’t going to allow someone such as him to take up more time and waste another year of my life that I will never get back, so I dropped kicked him, grieved and set about making a life that I wanted to have.
Also Brad thanks for your comments, they have been so helpful.
Take care.
“It’s hard but don’t try to get closure, don’t try to get him to explain, don’t try to get him to tell you what happened, don’t feel sorry for him and try to mend fences, don’t feel angry and try to get the last word, don’t initiate contact when you feel you’re over him, don’t accept contact when you think he might have changed, don’t become frozen/unable to move on, don’t waste months in an emotional stupor, don’t waste months trying to figure it all out, don’t contact him to be friends, don’t contact him to let him know he’s forgiven and you’ve moved on, don’t make contact to show you’re the bigger person, don’t think you can “love by exampleâ€, don’t think he’s changed because he met someone different, don’t blame yourself.”
So true! Luv it!!
Brad – Thank you for all your posts…they are, like MNL, right to the point. Looking back I think was dealing with two of him. One part of him is extremely religious, funny, expressive, honest (or so I thought) telling me exactly what he wanted in a relationship and me (I guess that was the hot) and the other part of him was quiet, to the point he almost disappearred when he was in front of me…it was like he was in another world. (Cold) I noticed how open and forthcoming he was after a few drinks. It is really frustrating but I have to keep coming back to this site to reinforce how WRONG this all was – or is.
PlanetJane – that paragraph is perfect. After five months I sent a text last weekend and shockingly got a response. (he did the disappearing act in January) Said he wanted to explain his behavior…that was five days ago…WHAT WAS I THINKING. It set me back…but hopefully I learned my lesson this time! Be strong. Look forward everyone. Please learn from my mistake. NC is the way to go…do not break it!
Everyone…read that paragraph over and over…until it sinks in.
Planetjane,
from my experience (just my opinion
…the text was an invitation
for you to chase him. They are lazy you see, they will initiate contact and then get you to do the work, thinking about them, using up your precious life and energy wondering, oh and believe me it’s a game, will the mouse take the cheese… while they can eat it up and sit back safely knowing they have already rejected you. Then when you come back with your next text cuae they’ve got you wondering ‘what is this ll about’ they will strike meanly and you will be left reeling and all that reject you took way back when will come smashing back to hit you again. The text my dear is poison, don’t see it as anything less!! These guy’s murder hearts for sport!!
Harsh I know but we have to get real!!
peace (without them!)
Kimba, I didn’t write that paragraph – took it from a post above, and I think it’s perfect too! I am SO trying to live it right now. I just found out a few days ago that my eum – in the process of disappearing – claiming he wanted to maintain the friendship and that he might regret losing me someday (WTF?) – yet when asked directly if something had changed and he was seeing someone else, totally denied it. Anyway, I just found out from his sister, who is my very good friend, that he is sleeping with another friend of ours! She pursued him very hard apparently, after a conversation I had with her about our situation and how much I liked him. I’m so hurt. He’s called me once (after his sister gave him the riot act) – I didn’t answer and I really do not want to talk to him. I’m just tired of the lies and I don’t want to let him justify himself. But I’m feeling like maybe I’m being childish. That adults would be able to talk this through. But seriously, after two years of this same kind of BS, I am just truly done, and I don’t want to hear the bastard’s voice. Ok, just talked myself out of calling back (-: Why should I feel like I owe him a conversation and a chance to explain, when I gave him more than enough opportunities before…and even asked him point blank about this very thing! F him. Please tell me I’m right! (-: Ha ha!
Now I feel like I’m the bad guy for not calling back? Like I’m ruining the “relationship?” Well, maybe I am! Cuz it’s not worth salvaging. It isn’t.
PlanetJane,
In moments of weakness, ask yourself – just how many women do you want to sleep with, once removed?
Call it juvenile, call it high school level of maturity – dating lots of girls – call it despicable and deceptive and manipulative. But he shows no character virtues, no respect, and no honesty. Thus – for any number of reasons – he isn’t a useful candidate for a life mate.
Good parents learn that when the infant starts whining and pleading – usually the only right response is to give him a quiet time and refuse to give in (if there had been merit in what the kid asked for, it would have been given the first time). Weenie parents let the kid prove that whining and pleading are useful and effective tactics. Which pushes a whole raft of misbehavior problems onto the kids elementary school teachers. But that is another story.
Giving this guy the time of day, just because he really, really wants it – or because is line for winning bed partners is just so intriguing – enables him to continue his bad behavior. He may not be breaking the law, but he sure isn’t showing behavior you want to be stumbling over the rest of your life. A mate should be support, once in a while, not an obstacle all the time.
When a guy is dating, using dates for social recreation, or out to score lots and lots of bed partners, keeping individual targets ignorant of each other is just common sense. But this approach to relationships (avoid at all costs, because it cuts down on the number of bed partners you win this month) is destructive of anyone trying to build a home and a shared life.
For your own peace of mind, don’t discuss the EUM with his sister – she isn’t responsible for him, and talking about him puts her in a tight spot. Don’t worry about your friend dating him now, she obviously chose what she wanted – if she could attach to him, or even lure him from you, he wasn’t someone you wanted to keep. Let her play with him a while, and make of him what she can. At this part, like watching a drunk friend, all you can do is stand back, try not to let anything splash on you, and wait to see if it passes.
He does sound kind of perverted – sleeping around with his sister’s friends (that makes two of you, now), gets awfully close to incest. Letting his sister become involved with his bed partner spree is just sick – he has no concept of honor or respect, no understanding of what a family is, and no intention of “settling down”. He certainly doesn’t appreciate that his actions are raising conflicts for his sister, or that his actions have any consequences for anyone.
Me, I don’t want this bozo close to me.
Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home
Planet Jane,
I don’t understand why you feel like the “bad guy?” Didn’t this man treat you poorly?
Brad K, thanks so much for your advice. It actually makes three of his sister’s friends (that I know of) that he’s been involved with – although he thoroughly denied the last one I suspected, I now realize it was a lie.
I really don’t talk to his sister about us, but she is aware. She is the one that happened to find out about this other girl – who is also sleeping with a married man – and she was upset – told him to stay away from her friends, etc and told me because she thought I should know. I’m grateful. He told her he didn’t want a relationship with either of us. Great information (finally!) and that was all I needed to know. I wish I could say I didn’t worry about him and this other girl actually forming a serious relationship, but I really do. It hurts. But we’ll see.
Now, I just feel so stupid for falling for all his lies and manipulations. But I wanted to believe him and did the best I could at the time. Thanks for the parent analogy – we can’t always treat people in our lives so lavishly, giving them what we think they want and need…it’s not healthy. I’m not going to call him. I want him out of my life so I can have some peace and be happy.
Thanks.
Gayle, It’s so funny. I have a hard time seeing his treatment of me as “poor.” So many people have told me that he treats me badly and that he’s an AC basically – and so I’m finally starting to know it, but I just haven’t been able to see it. It’s the part of me that is overjoyed with crumbs I guess, and it’s very sad. I AM an FG…but not for long. Well, not anymore…permanently NC with this guy, and am going to take a lot of time and some therapy to heal before I even think about another relationship or dating. I want to be healthy.
I actually can’t believe I’m “that girl,” but when I write it out like this, it’s pretty hard to deny. Ugh.
Planet Jane,
Good for you!!!!!!!
Don’t beat yourself up, PlanetJane. You have a good heart that hopes for the best in people. It’s not your fault that he’s an AC — and you’re not stupid — learn to forgive yourself for your generosity. I know what you mean about being content with crumbs, but you deserve more!
Hi all,
I just wanted to post this link to a page I found dealing with ‘intimacy issues’..I found it ery helpful to get me out of my muddy illusional thinking and into concrete ‘realism’ as to what is right about a relationship and wrong…. please take the time, it really is worth it and of course this is just as a wee dessert NML is the best site there is!!!
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14682-handling-intimacy/
peace
Just thinking about something that the Ex-AC said a number of times in which I scratched my head in confusion….
He said the he loved me but… he also said that if I fell he would bust out laughing and this was when I stumbled over something. This from a 49 year old. Maybe off subject…sorry NML
Today is Day 7 of renewed NC with my married EUM…and I feel like all my energy and strength has run out of me. I have hidden my cell in a drawer since I think he may try to contact me today…I am trying to keep busy and strong…reading everything here helps…A LOT! To be honest, since I texted “Goodbye” last weekend I don’t think it’s even dawned on him that I am gone…and as stupid as that sounds, that hurts, too. I mean I know that I shouldn’t be surprised it was all him all the time and right now he doesn’t need anything.
I have to say that writing down a list has really helped…when I get weak I pull out my journal and reread it…first it keeps me busy for several minutes (its a long list!) and second it makes me relive those moments and then I tell myself that I don’t want to sign up for any more of them!
OMG I love this site and these articles are really goo and im finding them so helpful. I was thinking the same as the first girl who commented. That my ex married guy felt that I wasnt worthy of any of the list and she his wife was. But when i use my perspective shes not receiving any of those things either! ANd shes the one married to him! I dont want a marriage like that! I dont want a husband like that! I deserve better! Guess not I have to work on me and figure out why I felt I needed a complete AC like him to feel loved….
CAN i just add to CHitownkitty, keep up the NC!! I had 3 months NC and let him back into my life for two weeks and i realised nothing has changed and I just hurt even more. Keep him outta your life! Stay strong!
Isabella,
A friend pointed out to me some years back, that there is no humor without pain. Almost all humor is about bullying, about celebrating someone’s pain and humiliation, so we can say, “See, I am not stupid or inept or clumsy like that!” Ha, ha.
Joy is more enduring. Find beauty in a sunset? The sunset isn’t diminished, the sunset doesn’t need “a sense of humor” or to “lighten up” for you to experience the joy and beauty. Sometimes you can share the joy, and that can be joyful, too.
Laughing when you fall belittles you, belittles and disrespects you for being clumsy or whatever. You cannot make a joke about someone, or laugh at them, and express respect. The compassionate can share your happiness, and laugh with you when you enjoy something, but this guy doesn’t sound compassionate, understanding, or respectful.
I enjoy being with people that have joy in their life. I avoid people that are jokesters, that think pranks and jokes are “fun”, and that fail to understand that respect isn’t the same thing as putting everyone else down.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances
I’ve had NC for five months now but I think about him all the time. I really loved him but then he started freaking out saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship. We’d been dating for eight months and he started acting like an asshole. He said he had never meant for it to get this serious and that I loved him more than he loved me and that’s why he had to end it, I told him he was being crazy, it wasn’t like I was wanting us to move in together or anything.He said that the last time he felt as deeply like this was for his ex girlfriend and she had broken his heart and he couldn’t go through that again. I was devastated. We broke up, he’d change his mind, come back, saying his life was terrible without me, then treat me like shit. I finally told him to treat me properly or I was out of his life forever and he said he just didn’t want a girlfriend. Then he’d email, go through bouts of phoning constantly- saying I was treating him badly for not speaking to him, that he just wanted to be my friend and to see me, now he’s telling everyone he’s heartbroken. I’m trying so hard to drag myself away from him- therapy, NC. I know he’s immature and selfish and spoilt but I still miss him. AM I insane?I want my brain back! I want him out of it! I really love this website. It’s nice to know I’m not alone!!
It seems so clear and to the point, the way NML describes these types. The problem for me though, is that I want to understand on a deeper level what is going on.On a psychological level. I know myself, and I dont fully let go of anyone or thing, until I “get it” on that deeper level.
Also because my experience with my EUM is complex. He is loving, kind and caring. He is also rude, shut down and mean. I cant seem to simplify him in a way that would satisfy me long term. Ive done NC and although I was “away” from him, it didnt really help. I was OBSESSED! it is actually easier on me to be seeing him and working with my issues( low sel festeem) and understanding the dynamic, than just cutting off and saying he’s a jerk. I couldnt sustain that stance for long. Any input would be welcome!
@ I want my brain back.
If you really want to take your life back, and away from ties to him, then you have to pretend, you have to practice, and you have to plan.
Pretend there is something in your life that you enjoy. Reading, a hobby, good friends (non-intimate!), events and occasions and people that you respect and that respect each other. Knitting, or model trains, or origami, or designing gardens (actual or virtual). Whatever.
Practice thinking of something else. Have an activity, a pad of paper, a pencil, knitting or crochet or the paper or a book, have it handy, so that when you realize he is in your thoughts – you not only know you should think of something else, you have it to hand. Practice stopping thinking of him. Practice every time. You have a new life to build, one that encompasses what you know, what you believe, what you respect and admire. That is where your thoughts and energy should be going.
Pretend hard enough, practice enough, and it can become the truth. He is in your thoughts constantly, because you aren’t taking control of what you let influence your life. You say it has been five months NC, yet he is still a major influence in your life – you haven’t been leaving him behind because you haven’t been moving on. Look today and address what needs attention, look to tomorrow so you can be ready. And look to the past as you need to, to understand where you have been – but focus mostly on today and tomorrow.
As for why is is the way he is, that seems pretty simple. He is a perpetual dater, with no understanding or interest in a shared life, a long term relationship. He has told you that – and you still don’t believe him, or understand that nothing you can say or do can change his goals or aptitude or ability to form an attachment of any value.
Luck!
@ MCM,
There is danger in getting too close to someone that dysfunctional. You already identify, in part with his emotional unavailability, or you would never have picked him for an intimate companion. Delving into how the unavailability works invests your energy in the wrong end of the relationship. If you are going into counseling or mental health, that is one thing – objectivity and keeping from getting involved are major parts of the training.
What is critical to understand is how to recognize this dysfunctional behavior in others – and, how to overcome it in yourself. You need to heal, so that you not longer resonate with nor attract emotionally unavailable or abusive bozos. And, like the recovering drunk or smoker, that means you have to avoid – to fear – the substance that feeds your dysfunction, assclowns and EUMs, in this case.
You don’t need to know if he fanatically and religiously rejects a deep and rewarding bonding, a shared life, so that he is alternately drawn to and repelled by feelings of being trapped or disparaging of those that don’t reject him for his lacks. Whether he doesn’t know what he wants, whether he is bitter that you are too desperate to leave him doesn’t matter a whit.
He will *not* be part of your happy life; if you make a happy life it will *not* include him. So what you need to know to survive is not how he thinks and operates – what you need is to stop projecting and binding your life to your memories of him, and to live a healthy life with healthy people.
Continuing to fret about the details of what happened, of what he did or said, is a form of denial, not a healthy interest in people, in him, or in what happened to you. Continuing to worry about what happened strengthens your ties to him and to that time – ties that you will have to let go, sometime, in order to move on. In this case, the sooner you let the ties go, the better for you.
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner
Ok I know I said I would not read or post to this site anymore, but I have to. Its day 21 of NC and I am still hurting so bad. I was so close to contacting him today. WHY? WHY? WHY? do I miss him so bad?? I think part of it is that I didn’t hang around long when he started the BS. It started (as most ACs) right when things were getting more serious. Then he wanted me to go from GF to “friend” to what really amounted to a booty call. I put up with this and his obnoxious treatment and obvious lies about not seeing anyone else for about three weeks before saying this is not for me. So there are way more good times and I MISS those so much I MISS him so much this just F**CKING hurts so bad!!! I just want to know if he misses me too. He wasnt one of those ACs that did not pay attention. He called me at least 5 times a day and we were together for about 8 months. Wouldnt you miss someone that you just all of a sudden didnt have contact with? I know I have given advise on this site and i dont know why I cant follow it myself. How did I become one who has low self esteem that I would want someone who has treated me this way? I was not like this before. I just want to stop crying everyday. God I feel so weak and pathetic. I guess not as pathetic as I would feel if I contacted him. He is respecting my request for NC and its making me sad how messed up is that? How did I get so messed up? I know what i need to do to stop and I just cant seem to stop thinking about him. Ok thanks for listening to my rant.
Sadkitty,
Ouch. “He is respecting my request for NC . . .” From the way you say that, you seem to be trusting him to respect you and your choice, rather than you being the one to adopt and enforce the rule. Taking the stand for yourself would be a much more self-affirming action. Asking him to take all or part of the responsibility for your NC is still giving him some control over you and your life. And keeps you waiting for things to unravel.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..The idyll farm in toddler literature
Sad kitty – Please stay strong. Your words are mine…I broke NC last week (since he pulled the disappering act in January) and texted my AC and got a response which he never followed up on since – and I have had a major set back. Please, as bad as you feel now, you will only feel more sadness if you contact him…and on top of it you will feel terrible for taking a step back. Stay strong.
Hay there my ex AC dumped me, then ejected me from is house in t-10 mins with my suitcase. My crime? I found out he’s been somewhere when he said he was somewhere else, namely with his ex. I still feel sh*te and its been over two months. I guess it’s a mix of ego and feeling stupid. Plus he was a damn odd ball – I never once met one of his friends!! In my gut I knew something was not right. Still getting thrown out on the pavement with suitcase (I lived away from him) was pretty humiliating and getting sworn at and told I was basically a scum bag. Rejection hurts.
Well, hello everybody!, I have to tell all of you that yesteday I told my EUM/AC, that i didn’t want anything to do with him, todays is my first NC day, I really feel bad because I still don’t know if he falls under this cathegory, but probably im just in denial, everything was grate with him, but when the relationship start to get serius he just back off, and after that he wanned to keep me as his friend (haaaaaaaat!!!), and yesterday like I told you before I told him i could’t be his friend after what he did to me, his words????? “OK, OK, OK, Bye”, I thought I was so good, so nice, so perfect, that he would see that and really fall in love with me, maybe he love me in his own bizarre way,at least i like to think it that way, and not that he just used me and dump me like a paper bag, well who knows, right now I don’t know what will happen!!!, lets wait and see!!!, I jut want to become more strong and smart about man!, thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@SadKitty – When you say, “He is respecting my request for NC and its making me sad how messed up is that?”, I can totally understand why his actions or lack of actions make you sad. You want him to fight for you, to validate you, to chase you, to make you think he cares, etc. The fact that he is “respecting N/C is what hurts you – it’s like a form of rejection somehow and you may find yourself wondering why it so easy for him to do after all you guys shared. I am not as eloquent in matching my words to the thoughts in my head as NML and other posters here at BaggageReclaim: Never-the-less, I just wanted you to know that I know exactly why it makes you sad BECAUSE AT THIS VERY MOMENT I AM GOING THROUGH NC WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND. When we broke up (he dumped me) 3 weeks ago he called every single day, several times a day for the first week (and even came to my job to leave a letter on the windshield of my car) and then nothing for the following 2 weeks and presently. I did notice one thing about myself/attitude during the first week that he called – I felt annoyed (because he was just reacting), wanted (eventhough I knew he would want things on his terms if we reunited), and empowered (which was an illusion and not real empowerment). The next two weeks when he stopped calling then I became sad. Still, I decided that I would not call or pursue him (Although, I did call one day after week 2 of our break-up to ask him to return a DVD/and my card to BlockBuster’s. I was dissappointed when he did not answer or return my call [ He didn't even take the opportunity that I had given him to try to get back in with me! It's for my own good that he rejected me because it was reinforcement-swift-kick-in-the-booty that I needed in my moment of weakness. I was just using the DVD/card as an excuse to contact him and see how he'd respond and I got my answer - more rejection] and to keep my eye focused on getting to the GREAT LAND OF INDIFFERENCE. I plan to rejoice and live it up!
PS – So that I don’t shuck-and-jive myself again I am going to BlockBuster’s, paying for the movie and any fees incurred, have my account deactivated and go on my merry little way – something I should have done in the first darned place instead of trying to underhandedly give him a way back in with me. If he wanted me he would have come to get me but instead he rejected me again AND probably saw right through my action. The fact that he hasn’t returned a movie that was rented 3 weeks ago is spiteful though.
Hang in there SadKitty, hang in there.
@brad K You are right at this point i know that if he tried to contact me I would probably cave and it does give him some control. Fortunately, I dont think he know this since I did shut him down and enforce the rule the two times he did try to break NC. I think that what I really was hoping for the whole time was for him to realize that he wanted to have a relationship with me and of course chase me some more. I feel so stupid for that. That is not what NC is for especially since now I know that his infact a supreme Assclown. I just cant figure out why in the face of that fact I cant seem to let go. What is wrong with me??? Have I lost all self respect?
@Kimba Yes I keep reminding myself that I was the who did rejected him in the end and that little bit of control is all I have to save face. I cant risk giving it up.
@ Renee I really think thats what bothers me the most. Did he ever really care? I know I do want to know so badly if he misses me at all. I guess thats what NML is trying to get through to all of us. He is EU and therefore no he doesnt miss me because he isn’t capable of feeling those kinds of emotions.
Thank you all for your replies its nice to have people who are feeling and going through the same thing I am. Well no I guess its not nice because we are all hurting, but you know what I mean
Scoots,
OMG that is horrible. What an asshole. How long were you together? I know what you mean about the gut feeling. I had it and ignored or made excuses for it the entire time. I should know by now that my gut is never ever wrong. Im sorry that your AC was so incredibly cruel.
Sad Kitty- hang in there. I know exactly how you feel. My AC rang me constantly when we broke up ( he dumped me) I fianlly gave in and let him call over. Turned out he just wanted to tell me exactly why it was better ww weren’t togther anymore. He actually said he was *proud* of himself for dumping me before he hurt me even more. What really tore me apart was he listed all his ex girlfriends and described how amazing they were and how he was devasted when they dumped him and I was sat there thinking – how shit must I be if I’m trying so hard to keep you. He said he could only love me 80% then he said he was scared he loved me too much, then he said he was scared I loved him too much. I was dating Goldilocks..Thank you so much for your words of wisdom Brad. I need to stop trying to figure him out. It just happened so fast. Literally we went from planning a holiday to breaking up in the space of a week. He emailed me recently saying he couldn’t handle being witha woman with a career , whihc hurt so much because when we first got together he said my ambiton was what he admired in me. I’ve gone to therapy and started to try to love myself as much as I loved him. Everyday it gets a little bit easy.If you can figure out why you were with that AC, you can change every sinlge relationship you’re going to have for the rest of your life so it’s worth taking the time to heal, learn and love yourself. He will learn NOTHING from the experience but you can. xxxx
Also, I think we should be wary when AC use the words “Love” My AC “loved” me-when he wanted a shag, complained I didn’t “love” him enough when I wouldn’t do things in bed for him and then was scared off how much he “loved” didn’t “love” me. Love is our weak point, the one thing you can’t argue about or reason with. It’s about control not love.
@ SadKitty,
“Have I lost all self respect?”
Not at all. At different times we place more emphasis, more importance, on different goals or desires. Some times we are most concerned about avoiding a fight, other times we focus on pleasing someone. There are many times when we grit our teeth and do what needs doing, regardless of what the cost is.
Hopefully self respect is always there for all of us. But sometimes we need to be more concerned with self respect than we have been. We just need to reflect every so often, and adjust our priorities if need be.
(Self) Respectfully, Brad K.
PS – shutting him down is contact. Knowing that he attempted to send a message, if you didn’t read the subject or if you did, is contact. Contact re-starts the process of deciding if you want to hear from him, and hopefully re-starts you worrying if you trust him (this time). Knowing what he has to say, finding out what the topic is, letting him say something or write something that you have to accept or reject, these just make the contact more likely to tear you up. That is why it is the “No Contact” rule, and not a “No Long Messages That Might Mean He Really Loves Me” rule. Well, that, and we would get tired typing NLMTMMHRLMR.
Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective
LOL … Brad K. that was funny! NLMTMMHRLMR …
I think even if we are the ones who initiate NC, we feel rejected if they dont try to contact us. It’s all mixed in with low self-esteem, etc.
Right now I’m struggling (day 18 of NC) because of misplaced guilt. For the first time in 3 years I ignored the AC’s birthday. Even last year, when we were broken up … again, I sent him a text. It is so unlike me to ignore someone’s special day … but I was afraid to contact him, for fear of not appearing to really mean it this time!
I’m just beyond ready to stop thinking about him … please!
Hay Sad Kitty
Thanks for the post. I am glad I found this blog as it’s helped me a lot. Ever since my time with the AC Supreme I feel like ‘Whuhhht just happened there….?’ We were having a long distance relationship so I never really realised what a k*ob head he was still I spent chunks of time with him. I guess we were together for about nine months but according to him, the first four “meant nothing”, his words.. because he was with his ex….of course he only told me this on ‘ejection’ day. I didn’t know of course. He threw me out when I found some card from his ex and said ‘uhhhhh what’s this’…. then I was ejected with suitcase… I kid you not. Red flags included never ever meeting any of his mates and being very disinterested in the sack, oh and being constantly picked on, even how I open draws or close a door was wrong. It was like he behaved really well for a few months then he just popped and became his usual self. He also made me cry. But hell, he made his mum cry his ex gf cry, the one before that cry… Jeez what a catch…
This might be the wrong place for this but I need to vent, and my problem is in no way more important than anyone elses.
I meet this person about six months ago, he kind of crashed a book signing I was at, we hit it off, but nothing came of it. Just a few comments from family friends that were suprised to learn “that infact, no he’s not my boyfriend, he just followed us over here from the resturant”. So moving along I run into this guy in april at a planning meeting for a city event and still nothing, a few emails here and there. So this 4th of July I run into this person again…and the moon and stars must have been in alignment because we clicked, So he asks me out to lunch and I agree..and it turned out to be for a networking lunch for a group he’s involved with (I did my research the day prior so I knew what was up before, but I still went along with it). So afterward we are talking(and since the 4th he’s told me everything about himself..sexual history and misadventure included, all with little to no prompting from me) and after a few hours we get up to leave and he walks me to my car and invites me out to a party later on that evening, and we kiss for the first time..ever. So I meet him later that evening and the small intimate party with a few of his friends turn out to be another sales pitch for the pyramid scheme he’s involved with.At this point I’m kind of wondering what the h$%* so afterward we go out to eat at a resturant near by and again spend hours talking about stuff and as we prepare to part ways he initiates plans to come over and hang out at my house and stay for dinner, the next day. The next day rolls around and he’s a no-show(I don’t call because a girl has to have some kind of boundries) so he calls around 5 pm just frantic he’s got to got a meeting, then change and pick up a friend and then go to another friends 21 birthday party, but then after all that he was going to come over and atleast say hi, needless to say he never showed up, no phone call the next day or the day after, but by friday night a picture shows up on his FB page of him going all kissy face on a girl from the party on wednesday. By this point I hadn’t spoken to him since wednesday night when he called.
Saying I was pissed is a understatement. I deleated him as a friend on FB blocked his number on both the house phone and mobile…but I still felt horrible, so horrible infact I got up at 5 am to go run on saturday morning, but by that afternoon I sent a him a message saying “Assholes I can deal with, but I cannot abide cowardice and that was what he was a coward and thank god I found out sooner rather than later”. Am I justified in being this quick to cut ties with this guy or should I have stood back and waited for him to get in touch with me(I refuse to persue him). I need someone elses advice aside from my mother.
Jezzy,
I doubt you actually need advice. This is not the last guy that will ever be available to you. In fact, if he was, he still wouldn’t be worth messing with.
Let’s see. He is confused about reputation and how your friends and family perceive his attentions and actions. He makes plans – lots of plans. Only, he continues to juggle and make more plans without regard to respect for his first promises. That makes dishonorable and disrespectful.
He has no concept of social responsibility – extending one event into another, fails to distinguish between business and personal time, wants to use you in both contexts. That makes self-serving. Not always a bad thing, but this isn’t an existing, well-founded relationship, this is nearly getting acquainted time.
I would worry about his spilling his life story. That is a form of manipulation, and also raises questions about whether you can trust him to keep your confidences.
I guess I would rate him as flighty, and air-headed. He may not be a bad guy, he doesn’t seem bent on harming anyone. But he sure doesn’t have the character, chutzpah, or savvy to be worth any woman’s time.
His frantic pace might also be influenced by chemicals or alcohol. But I didn’t say anything about cocaine.
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: About choosing between a partner and happiness
Love your site. Discovered it when I realised that I have been dating unavailable me for …hmm a while
I’m on the road to self discovery and am in the middle of the No Contact Rule. Man this shit is hard, but i’m five days sober!! Yay.
In the midst of my “self discovery” I have discovered that after I split ways with these men, I have a hard time forgiving myself for being with the bastard in the first place I say to mayself “Nel, he told you this, he told you that how could you not expect this?” Why did you expect a different outcome.” So the challenge for me is truly, truly forgiving myself for my behaviour. It’s like I slap myself over and over again because I should have known and seen the signs AND ACTED on them to prevent the assness!
I don’t blame myself for the outcome or say omg! it’s all my fault I’m an idiot. But I truly need to forgive myself for not acting on my gut and teaching those idiots to treat me in such a horrible way.
So my question is about Self Forgivness. How do I go about forgiving myself? Why am I so hard on me? Hope you can help
Hey Ladies
Please take the time out to treat yourselves ( to wahatever you like that will make you smile again), you may just fall in love with yourself once you spend some time with yourselves. Life is too short to be beating yourselves out. I know “feeling rejected by these Assclowns” is an unnecessary way to learn to LOVE/LIKE yourself but be greatful that they opened your eyes to something bigger +better and that is YOU. Celebrate YOU. Not having a man is not the death sentence most believe it to be. I haven’t been in
“a real relationship” since I started dating and the best times I have are when I’m clam and chilled about my single status, it helps not to judge your singleness and focus on other positive things. I hope that those of you that are in pain will soon see the light. A man is not everything! give yourself a break and DO YOU for a change
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