The AC I know definitely had the ” take it or leave it” component to his very difficult personality. When I finally realized that work and compromise was not truly on his radar, I made the choice it was time to ” leave it “, and that meant I was rejecting him. Maybe you did the same thing by putting up some boundaries. The AC then struck out at me by saying some really shocking and cruel things. He was trying to hurt me, since I said I could not accept him anymore, as he was. And that was rejection in my part.

But, I assumed I would get a mature response to my very calmly presented boundaries. Not so at all. After the shock of how cruel , simpleminded and so full of hate he could be, I came to see his angry words as just more AC BS, which he is full of, and knows it.

So, I stopped feeling bad for his rejection of me, and realized it has to be this way. For, you see, I am not willing to accept him as he is, unwilling to work to change and have a healthy relationship and that rejection had to hurt him. And since he is working hard to be OK with himself, coupled with the fact he is not too emotionally capable, the only thing he could do was get mad, like a mean little kid, and reject me back.

Bottom line for me, as NC goes on, is this….their rejection is not as devastating as we initially see it. It really might be more about them doing something to cover their skinny little AC buts. Heck, they may even ” love us’, as much as their skinny lil AC buts are capable of. It matters not, it is not mature and stable love.

For me NC, firm and unwavering, has been the only way to go. It’s a long haul out of the EUM world too, evidenced by the fact that whenever I come back here I realize I am still dealing with the fallout. But I would never trade anything for the progress that I made from developing firm boundaries.

Never feel that you don’t deserve good love. And do everything in your power to give good love to others. But when an AC comes your way, I now know you have to step aside and let him pass. Anything else makes me lose site of what I want..stable, confident and mature loving people.

– so how should i feel if Mr unavailable has now told me that he IS ready to get close to someone, find a steady, have a real relationship BUT not with me, of course. How can I not feel rejected by that? I feel insulted, humiliated and rejected all at once. In other words, I’m miserable.

Is this guy paying child support? Are you going to retain full custody of the child? After the legal details are worked out, you can communicate through e-mail and make a mutually-agreeable meeting place for him to see his child-w/o contact.

Yes, this man has some serious self-esteem issues-not good for your child to witness his treatment towards you. People that hurt others in this manner do so to make themselves feel better about them selves, they’re called losers!

I wish you all the best with this difficult situation.

We tried being friends after the break-up, but it felt wrong to me and I couldn’t talk to him normally because I kept lashing out on him for making promises he didn’t keep. He always withdraws when I am angry but he said he understood my anger and that he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend. Still he never initiated contact and I started obsessing about why he said he wants me in his life and still doesn’t get in touch. Whenever I called him, he would be polite and say he will get in touch soon, but he never did.

Even though I broke up with him, I ended up feeling rejected because he still makes promises he doesn’t keep. I have told him that he should just admit that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, but he says that’s not true and it just infuriates me why he can’t be honest and upfront. Lately he’s stopped taking my calls as well. I know I have to move on and stop obsessing, but I really want him to get in touch with me so I can reject him back and ignore him the way he has been ignoring me.

No, I don’t think there is anything you could have done to make him see you for what you are. In fact, I don’t think it would have mattered if he had.

I am sure you know about being alert for the lies guys tell, when they are trying to “get lucky”. But I am not sure you realize(d?) that there are some truths you dare not ignore. When a guy tells you that you make him unhappy or miserable, or that he doesn’t love you – these are true. Believe him – and run away. Especially EUMs won’t change, they cannot change, not for you nor for their own good, either.

You mentioned nagging. I don’t think nagging is an act of respect. Like lying, nothing good can come of it, and we don’t do it when we respect the other person. Additionally, acting with disrespect becomes a habit, and we find ourselves being less respectful of others, too. Without respect there is no basis, no foundation for a relationship.

You made one really powerful statement, “i was the best girlfriend I could be”. I don’t know if you ever tried to eat ice cream with a table knife. It can be done, it takes more time, and more ice cream melts before you finish. Getting a better table knife, one more elegant, or lighter, or prettier, won’t matter at all, if a spoon is what is needed.

This guy wasn’t able to take care of himself, emotionally, and is years away, at least, from being useful as a partner for anyone. He didn’t need a better girlfriend. He needs therapy, and he needs to understand his fears and he needs to discover what his own needs are. No girlfriend will be better for him.

For many reasons, I agree that it is better to share our lives with a good person. But I think we have to be used to interacting with good people before we get interested in one. I think a couple is a couple because they interact with their community as a unit – they live and work as a couple, and less as individuals. The community considers them to be partnered, not just two individuals. So one measure of a meaningful relationship might be – is he/she able and willing to join with me, to share community responsibilities? That takes honor, respect, discipline – character.

It is tough not to blame yourself when that dish of ice cream is mostly melted, and you are tipping the dish and dipping that table knife, and still not getting that ice cream finished. The only thing you can do is walk away, and next time be sure he has a full set of tableware.

Luck.

i knew our relationship was bad from the start but i saw it as better than being alone. he said i made him miserable & that he couldn’t give me what i needed. it hurts when someone tells you “i dont think i could ever love you” & i immediately wanted to blame myself & wonder what was wrong with me.

i kept thinking “well maybe if i didn’t nag him as much he’d come around” but it wasnt that. i was the best girlfriend i could be & maybe i wouldn’t have had to nag if he treated me right in the first place.

i just need to stop blaiming myself because i know the healing wont start until i do. this site has helped me realize that there is nothing i could have done for him to see me for what i am.

he had just gotten out of a five year relationship, has a resentful relationship w. his mother, hates his brother for possibly being a homosexual, & took care of his dying father at a young age. i now see that someone like that is no where close of giving me what i need or deserve. its just hard not to take it personally

I think most guys can apply the parts that fit to their own lives. The issue is that of all the sites for women and dating, as far as I know Baggage Reclaim is the only one that focuses on what women need to do to escape a cycle of similar, hurtful partners. There is possibly room for a forum about how a guy needs to change to be acceptable to a partner of good character and suitable interest to be a good mate-prospect.

But guys seem able to hang onto the juvenile date-at-any-cost mentality so much longer. And there is little social pressure to consider perpetual dating – the Playboy philosophy – a flawed life goal. There seems to be precious little audience to embrace changing their lives to make a better shared life.

In some sense we are given the same myth and fairy tale that the girls are – that there is someone special just for us. The implication that we don’t have to change, to adapt, to strive to be an honest and respectable person to enjoy life with an honest and responsible woman just doesn’t make the top 40 or sexy ads or hot movies.

Know what honor and respect and discipline are in your life, avoid those that are disrespectful of themselves and others, that are undisciplined, proud, dignified, or arrogant – or have invested much of their life into a sexy image or an ability to attract bed partners, and I think you have a fair chance at finding an appropriate partner for a good shared life. Oh, and set out, from the beginning, to find a qualified mate prospect; dating for fun and then hoping it turns into “real love” risks getting attached to someone inappropriate from the get-go.

NML’s ebook, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains some of the problem. You are correct, just switching gender labels does not work, because society looks differently at men slipping around than women straying. Realistically, cheating is cheating, and always a failure of character.

Hope you find understanding about how to rebuild your self esteem and setting boundaries, to avoid repeating a painful relationship with a new, unsuitable partner.
Brad K.´s last blog ..A theme song for the EUM cycle

Consider re-writing this page in a way that applies to both male AND FEMALE Assclowns/Miss/Mrs,/Ms. Unavailable.

Everything you wrote about Him also applies to the HER that is my ex.

I am much happier now that I have lost her – saddened by what could have been her, but recognize that she doesn’t WANT to be better. Man am I happier now!!!

This should give you materials a whole new audience – Everyone who has ever been pinned under an abusive partner. Yes, i call this sort of behavior Emotional Abuse. it hurts, it’s wrong, let it be OVER!!!

I can relate to your situation, and feeling “upside down and inside out”. I ended a relationship with a MM almost 4 weeks ago, and it was so difficult to get to the decision to end it, but I knew I couldn’t go on like that – as you describe so well “the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.” When I was getting ready to break up, someone on this site asked me “what are you getting out of this?” and she suggested “less than nothing”, while he gets the stability of a marriage, plus an extra bed partner so he doesn’t get bored. It is a horrible place to be. I also had nobody to talk to as I was too ashamed to tell a soul about our affair.

What are you hoping to get out of the relationship with this MM? If it is a loving, committed relationship, you may be in for a big disappointment. Yes, it is hard to break up with them, but it is sooo worth it – you are worth it. Now that I have not had contact with my ex (except for a couple of work-related emails) for a few weeks, I am gaining more objectivity, and I’m questioning whether I really did love him. He was *always* really, really busy, too, and I got to feel like I was wayyy down his list of priorities. Your man says he cares for his wife, but doesn’t love her, but right now he is *choosing* to be with her, and not to make a break from her and be with you.

Best of luck with your decision, and you can always come to this site for support. The best way to get feedback is commenting on the most recent post, which is “compatibility and your type” part 3 right now.