It is hard for most of us to comprehend that people would treat other people that way. So we begin looking for answers, and we usually settle on ourselves.

searchingwithin’s last blog post..The Love Triangle – The Ugly Side of Human Nature

What you are describing is not the power I think that “cool and professional” would give you.

If you turn away, avoid him, even refuse to answer to him – you are letting him run you in circles. Instead, be professional for yourself, be competent and a “team player” for your employer. If you have to work with him, that gives you practice doing your work. You need to meet expectations that your work meets professional standards regardless of who you have to work with.

And you aren’t practicing that important word, the one that confident and effective people use. “No.” No emphasis, no explanation. “No, I am not going to lunch with you.” “Get your hand off me. Now.” “Stop harassing me. Now.”

Those words – “harassing me” – are important. Federal law and OSHA regulations forbid your employer or fellow employees from creating a “hostile work environment”. That is, if you are being harassed, if someone is acting intimately or sexually in an inappropriate fashion – even making suggestive comments, telling dirty jokes, or bringing sexually graphic or explicit material into your workplace – that is a hostile work environment. You have to use that specific phrase. The second time you need to be reporting to your boss. “I dated the guy, it fell through. I am trying to get my own work done, now, but he keeps acting inappropriately for the work place. He has made inappropriate personal contact, and that makes me feel uncomfortable and distracts me from my work.”

Just as with any bully, by acting confidently, invoking authority, and standing up to his shady innuendos, his intimidations, and his manipulations – you make yourself less of a target.

Dodging him to avoid confrontation lets him continue to manipulate you. You aren’t getting on with your life, you aren’t establishing effective habits to create friendships with respectful, and honest people. The longer you let his behavior dictate what you do – the longer people around will see that you are still involved with him. Though the “relationship” might be over, clearly you are still interacting with him, intimately, and it is affecting your behavior and your work. It may seem easier to avoid contact with him than to tell him “No.” – but it isn’t. You are a smart and competent woman. Who is this bozo, that you find yourself running from? What is it he can do – yell, make fun of you, hit you? At work? In front of witnesses that will help you call a manager or the cops? Nope.

The only way out, now (this sticky breakup stuff is why many recommend against dating at the office), is through. Be the mature one. You know what your work and your worth demand – don’t let his antics get in your way. There is nothing you can to if he chooses to act out. As long as you are diligent in reporting any harassment, you should be well enough.

Who knows? You may find your work getting easier after all of this.

Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective

He works in the back of our small building and I work in the front. I never go to the back anymore. If I absolutely have to, I walk past him like he is invisible. When he calls into the office, I just answer the phone and transfer his call – no speaking. When he calls and has to leave a message I just say, let me send you to your voice mail and transfer the call. If he comes down the hall when I am, I slowly turn around and go the other way. If he comes too close to my office, I close my door gently. – When he eventually corners me (which I know he will), I have several planned speeches, so I wont be caught off guard.

If you know this guy long enough you will see his pattern. They follow the pattern every time – so you need to plan ahead. Good luck with this. I really understand how hard it is.

NML’s last blog post..Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns – Part Two

If you are going to continue working where he does, then maybe you can learn a colder version of “business formal” etiquette. Like the Christie Whitman character in the early parts of “Secret of My Success” (with a *young* Michael J. Fox), crisp, business all the time, no banter, no small talk, pleasantries are By The Book. Learn to focus on the business at hand – and disengaging and walking away if anything gets personal. If you smile, smile as if your neighbor’s nephew’s teacher’s dog just played dead the third time it was asked. Pretend that this is someone you have to be leery of, to avoid traps and deceits, but by being cautious and careful, you can get all of your own work accomplished.

If he gets out of line, strays into personal things – complain to him, and then to your boss, and then to human resources about sexual harassment. Follow up and make it stick. Keep the story discrete, brief, and stick closely to objective facts.

Etiquette has provided a way for enemies to interact while avoiding bloodshed, and has worked for centuries.

If you pretend you can be businesslike with him and with others, if you refrain from gossip or discussing your feelings (or his failings) with others at work, you may well find that what we pretend often enough – can become true.

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

God how is it that these ACs are all the friggin same??? I was with mine too for about 7 months. And like you I imposed NC when he pulled the “friend” card. We even went on a few little vacations together and of course he never asked to take a picture with me. Ugh and my red flags were waving and warning bells were going off while he was “getting to know me” and the entire time I was with him. Knowing full well that my gut is never wrong I just ignored it. Its because they are sooooo good at what they do. Saying all the right things mine would constantly tell me I was pretty because he knew that maybe I didn’t think that about myself at the time. They prey on women who will ignor their own intution because we crave the attention they give us in the beginning ( mine are definitely absent daddy issues) and then they think they can just jerk us around for as long as we will let them once we are “hooked” on the drug of attention. Its sick. PJBelle, be happy that YOU were the one who took control and told him to take a flying leap by implementing NC. YOU took ALL the control in the end and he cant take that away from you unless you let him. Had you stuck with him and his little arrangement he only would have uncerimoniously pulled NC on you once he found someone he wanted to be more than “just friends” with. Its tough to do NC I know I am on day 14 and have held fast against his few attempts to get intouch with me.It is getting better. I feel strong for not contacted him in anyway. There are actually a few minutes that will pass in the day without me thinking of him. I am now remembering more and more of his bad qualities instead of focusing on the good times. I am confident that I will only continue to get better as the days go on. You will too. Hang in there and visit and post to this site often.

Peace