Anyhow with this post, what I have come to the conclusion was:
IF TWO PEOPLE GET TOGETHER WHO ARE UNHEALTHILY BALANCING EACHOTHER OUT for example: A narcissist abuser with a co-dependent woman who has abandonment issues — DO YOU THINK A HAPPY HEALTHY PERSON WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO THE NARCASSIST OR CO-DEPENDENT? If you are a healthy and happy person your DRAMA filled relationships can not exist, therefore should of, could of, would of… (The whole thing is going to have your self-furfilling issue, so there is no reason to look back) Decide to change yourself.

When my father and his ex-girlfriends were in relationships they always wanted him to change (he was a narcissist abuser) but the reality is they never wanted him to change, because if he changed the unhealthy dynamics that brought them together and attracted them in the first place would be missing, therefore the realtionship couldn’t exist without it. If they were healthy they could never put up with a man like that…

Brad, I guess by nice guy they are smart, successful, respectful, NOT charmers (in a good way) they don’t give me these ridiculous lines or stare into my eyes. My first date with my EUM and he was saying how amazing I was. BUT while these “nice” guys are not saying all that stuff, I just pick up the vibe that they are just really like me even though when myEUM actually stated it aloud that didn’t make me uncomfortable but my feelings with the nice guys are well “icky.”

I think with my EUM, somehow I knew that this was a cool flirty guy that would create the drama I was looking for whereas with these new guys there is potential for real commitment and intimacy, which I am truly afraid of.

I am just finding it hard because my EUM was really into me at the start, but there was a different vibe to it or something that I must have felt because it didn’t scare me off the way it does with these other guys who don’t want to play games and are just the type that you know have good solid morals and are very respectful.

I think you are right about these nice guys too they sort of lack a bit of smoothness because they are not game players. I think my EUM appealed because he felt like that guy that gets lots of women and here he is with me… It must be a whole persona that they have.

Either way I don’t per se miss my EUM but I feel so sad knowing that I was more comfortable with a jerk than with guys who want to call me, make plans in advance and are just excited to be around me.

To me that means a good pickup line. A life-skill at finding and “winning” bed partners. Not someone to consider for a life-mate.

To me, “nice” means a welcoming smile – and honesty and respect in all interactions. Honorable and disciplined, dependable.

And what you might be twigging on with the non-EUM’s might be inexperience, lack of “training” in the craft of recreational dating and hookups and booty calls. That is, someone more likely to be loyal that slick.

Luck!

@ Keri,

I would never call harsh treatment a blessing. Perhaps surviving hard times provides a chance to learn a valuable lesson. But the lesson is all that would have value.

Blessed be!

Just the idea of going out with someone for me is unthinkable, because I still am missing my ex-EUM and thinking the coulda-woulda stuff (tho I’m pretty clear that it coulda worked if HE had worked and unpacked his baggage before taking up with me). I know for a fact that nobody is going to do it for me, maybe for quite some time.

20 days of NC. I did just finally unfriend him on MySpace. He had still had me on his top friends and himself as “in a relationship.” Now next time he logs in, he will find my pic gone from his friends. Hopefully that will not be a drama. Now I can do stuff like post bulletins and it won’t end up in his “in” box.

Keri, I’m 45, so don’t feel bad. This material is not taught, it is not talked about, we are not stupid that the information is not out there when we need it, and this whole culture is a breeding cesspool of abuse and poor mental health. We really do owe it to Natalie for giving us the language and tools we need…to call and Assclown an Assclown!

all I know is I’m 33 years old and it’s SAD that it’s taken me till now to REALLY want to face this.. and only AFTER the EUM broke my heart..(and more than that.. I didn’t love myself enough to respond to the definite Red Flags from the beginning.. I was so desparate for someone to validate that I wasn’t worth it… that he fit the mold) .so it’s a blessing I’m sure.. all that has happened to us.. IF we can see it that way… I know that I WANT to figure this out NOW…. I don’t WANT to bring this forward anymore… I am very very proud of myself for all the hard and emotionally contorting work I’m doing inside.. to face this fear… which ultimately started when I was a little girl with my parents…my FIRST encounters with EU People…which helped to shape the mold to which I interact with my life… so now…I have to sit and face the lost little girl inside… just wanting to be loved.

and that can be scary as you know what… as I’m SURE most of you are already realizing.

I’m proud of every single one of us that’s facing our fear.. even though it hurts like heck…

However, and perhaps this is going to sound odd, but even after my EUM I started questioning what life is all about, who I am, what I am doing and this is all part of the journey. Also in talking with other women who are in these “stable” relationships, I find that they lack knowledge about themselves that we have. It’s a tough process delving into who you are and while my relationships have caused great pain, I am a person of great self awareness as it seems all of you are too. I did find it sad but now it’s quite empowering.

My mother always reminds me that I am not the only person with all these faults but I am strong enough to confront them and all of you are here doing that too.

it’s so sad that this really is about us not loving ourselves.. and we really are too afraid to begin to learn how to do that now… so we really don’t know where to start…

if we did love ourselves more.. we would not have even gotten to where we have with these EUMs…Sad.