Pay for a date he asked me on? LOL please stop now!! what the f@@&* is that all about? Sorry ladies I know we live in the 21C but really? The old ways are the best, sorry. Real men love to pay, they love to please you and no real man would ever INVITE himself in!!!

I did meet a guy once in a bar, who I sought of knew through a friend he bought me 1 drink, and I chatted to him for about 3/4 hr then he announced that ‘…he thought I should take him home to bed…’ Yeah! I dont think I need to explain the outcome to that one!

Although I expect the professional dater to base his evening’s spending on how long he anticipates entertaining a given lady. Maybe a bigger splurge for a lady he doesn’t plan to see again, a more sustainable level of spending for someone he thinks might be a long-haul, say, two weeks, relationship. As a professional dater, he likely has no concept of, nor intent for, anything longer term than three months.

Are you saying that, in theory, if a guy takes you for a beer instead of champagne he doesn’t see you as ‘valuable’. And are you also saying that if a guy does spend money on you the first date then he is expecting ‘payback’??
Didn’t that idea go out a long, long, long time ago?

I don’t think anyone, even a seasoned player, has a dollar figure and attaches a woman’s value to that. As a matter of fact, most guys I know would run like the wind from someone so high maintenance that they required an expensive date to prove their value.

I find this a tad misogynistic and in my experience, most guys would much rather have you be you. And if YOU prefer going for a pint and watching the game over table service and designer duds, well that is what adds value, being true to you.

No man, or woman, should equate money with a human’s value. And I personally think it’s a falsehood to keep this line of thinking, and to perpetuate it.

IMHO

The experienced, professional dater? He has his money planned out. He knows how much money to spend to get into your knickers – and at what point to pass on to another, more value-priced lady. And there will be no way for you to hang onto such a guy for the long haul.

It is much better to pick an honest man that is trainable, and together to find a way to get acquainted, and build the trust and respect and admiration for each other that will grow into something beautiful. And be aware you have to be trainable, too. You have to both respect each other’s values values and choices. You have to be ready to share why you feel as you do. Remember that guys often have a tough time learning to express their emotions, let alone understand or relate why they feel as they do. But practice makes perfect, it can take 50 successful repetitions to ‘master’ a lesson once the lesson is learned. Or is that with horse training? Actually I think that rule applies to both men and horse training. It is better not to assume a lesson is mastered the first time. I remember in Algebra we always had to practice, practice, and do still more problems. Be gentle, please, when training.

You are assuming that someone with money is obligated to spend it on you.

Even if a guy is dating you, living with you, or married to you, be really careful about making assumptions about what money is available, what is to be used, and who gets to make the choice. He may have obligated, in his mind, all of that money for retirement, a bass boat, or political campaigns. Or the local strip club. Which means that any money he thinks of as his, that you spend or he feels you coerced him to spend – he is going to resent that. For some guys and gals it isn’t that big of an issue. For others, especially if they have ever had to live on too-short funds or been close to someone that has, money may be available, in the checking account, and still not be considered available.

This can be a trust issue, a respect issue – do you respect the choices he has made, or blow his dreams away because you decide the money should be spent on something else? And I know it happens both ways, that he may want to earmark money he thinks is common, etc. This is not about what is right or wrong, or what is necessary. Necessary is about making choices – if he doesn’t feel like making the same choice as you, then his needs will be different. Right and wrong are often similar – relative to choices. It can be much more difficult to respect your partner’s choice, and work out a compromise of choices, than to defend your choice, bully him or ‘win’.

Dollars are seldom just dollars, or Euros, or whatever. Sometimes it represents dreams, sometimes a safety cushion, sometimes a tool to survive or power to conquer. And sometimes it is just mad money. But because someone else has money that you would spend, doesn’t mean they think it is available.

It takes communication and trust to understand (and respect) your partner’s feelings about the fundamentals – money, character, family goals, work goals. Unless you *want* to set a price on your affections (“He better spend $XX on me or he is gone”). That has other connotations. Do you want his respect, or his income? With his respect the rest will be much less of an issue.

What I usually do is let the guy take care of the first, with the caveat (and I say this if it is going well) that the next one is on me.

Seems to take the pressure off a bit.
It can get pricey!!!!

I would pay attention when someone asks you out. If the invite is clear, and follows traditional formula, such as, “Can I pick you up at 7:30?” , or “Can I take you to dinner?”, etc. the wording strongly establishes that he will be host, and considers you a guest. You are expected to be gracious about accepting his hospitality – don’t offer to pay, except perhaps offer to leave the tip (gratuity) at dinner.

If the wording and relationship he offers is different, or if he does or says anything curious or interesting or strange about money – bring it up. If you feel he invited you, ask, “Can I pay for part of this?”

There is kind of a standing joke about women wanting to split costs, computed down to the pennies. Guys find that tedious, most times. If you find a guy that follows this philosophy, though, you have to accept that his thoughts on money are going to be strange, compared to usual expectations. You may have noticed that men and women seldom come to quick and fair answers about money. The philosophies really are different, most times. Perhaps some people use money for survival, others for social display. The only way to avoid trouble is to identify quickly when there is a difference of philosophy – and communicate. Like any difference in philosophy (money, sex, children, in laws, the ‘correct’ number of shoes in the closet [three - worn tennies for homely tasks, tennies for shopping, work shoes], how long to keep books [till the reader dies]) it takes time to identify each other’s feelings, and respect for each other’s position. Or you have to choose to walk away from too big a difference.

I would thank the bum for his candor, and for letting you know his feelings. And I would thank him for the evening. Only, don’t contact him again, any requests for a date tell him, “No,” any questions about why, “I am not interested.”

I would rely on the guy to make clear when he has expectations of you – whether it is sex on the first date or help paying the bills. Your responsibility is to choose to agree or disagree, and let him know your answer.

(If he lets you know he expects to end up in bed, you can explain that won’t happen. It may cost you dinner or an evening out, but leaves you both reasonably satisfied that you are better off. Besides, expecting trust or respect or intimacy before they are earned is rude.)