No, my parents did NOT love me or somehow have good intentions underneath it all.

It’s not pretty, popular, or politically correct. But it’s the truth.

They had children because it was expected of them and because they didn’t think they had an option. And my siblings and I have been punished for it every day of our lives.

Onward, forward.

I am attracted to depressed, critical men.

I also would like to add I am so very glad I ordered your book No Contact – superb. To everyone out there, struggling. It gets better.

I am now using the concept of “no contact” for anyone that I feel “funny” about. Instead of pursuing them, thinking I did or said something wrong, I am letting it go and generating more space. There is an inherent risk involved in that the connection may dissipate altogether however I think it is important for me to rewire, cool out, slow down and go more within. I need to say and do less in general, send less emails and do far less pursuing especially with men. This is my work. I am working on me; finishing a book and practicing gratitude and watching my thoughts. Many thanks and happy birthday Natalie.

In response to this I ran away for a whole 6 years and when I came back, I keep them at arms length because sadly as I am a product of who they are, they are also products of their parents and they didnt know better

I’ve learnt alot from the writings of Eckhart Tolle who talks about releasing the pain body and it has done alot for me not only recognising the pain continuum but also managing it….

NML as always, keep sharing and Happy Birthday

I always wondered why I have friends who had long standing and good relationships, whose parents seem happy together, whose brothers and sisters are happily in relationships (sometimes they all go on happy extended family holidays together, unthinkable in my family) – whilst my family is incapable of spending much time in the same country as each other let alone the same room, and all of us have quite serious problems emotionally and relationshipwise

I know now that we learn from our parents, they learned from theirs, and we are attracted to the familiar, so now none of this is a surprise. It’s a shame though that it takes most of us so long and such pain to realise what and why has been going on.

I’m sure you all know the poem but in the words of Philip Larkin

They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

“Saying you love someone or that you pushed them out of your birth canal doesn’t blackout dubious or even outrageous parenting. I’m not saying that mine or anyone’s parents didn’t love them but the style of love that comes with the whole I love you but I’m not sure I want you or I beat you but I love you or whatever it is that you experienced, is a way of teaching us as women that people who mistreat you, love you. Someone can love you but not know how to love you in a healthy manner and this creates a limited relationship because the actions are not reflected.”

just brilliant! it’s the fulcrum of everything, at least for me. super well done, NML and thank you, from the heart.

Once again NML sees straight to the heart of our issues:-)
My mom hates me and has made this clear since i was a baby. I was never shown any affection and as an adult she admits this blaming her own upbringing. I was not allowed to have any feelings or relationships outside the family – she would tell the parents of any potential friends that I was a bad child and they should keep their children away from me. So my abandonment issues were reinforced by having growing friendships suddenly withdraw. My dad left when I was a baby and I was allowed no contact with him. I was verbally and physically abused but still in my heart I knew it was not my fault.

As soon as I could, I fled the country and started a new life. I now have three beautiful children, a good job, an MA and am now commencing my PhD. However I, like everyone else on this site, have serious relationship issues. I have had a string of EUMs all reinforcing my belief that I am unloveable. My epiphany relationship ended up with me nearly dead at the hands of an abusive partner and thats what it took to make me see that I had serious issues. That was several years ago and I have had no serious relationships since. Although I am attractive I don’t attract men unless they are EU so I don’t bother. I wouldn’t know how to have a healthy relationship…at some level it saddens me to think that I will not have a life partner but I accept that this is the reality of the situation.

The abuse from my mother continues to this day. I have no contact and ignore letters and have changed my cell to avoid the abusive texts in which she calls me all the names under the sun..

It helps to know that I am not alone in this because society thinks that all mothers are loving and nurturing and this makes it worse for me..

Thanks again NML xxx

When I met my mother again at the age of 15 she and I clashed in so many ways. We obviously had very different personalities, both of us came from abusive backgrounds, I was going through my teen years. We had a really bad relationship. My mother *still* angry at my father, and angry at me for defending my father when I was 5 (rolling eyes). This of course made my brother automatically be the favorite son forever. Its been imprinted. Even nowadays, It is very obvious who is the person who she will call first for emergencies or non emergencies situations, who will hear the news first, who is the most humble and nice. SHe never trusted me to do things because according to her I would mess up, so she will handle the assignment to my brother who is the smarter one. At one point they both made fun of me etc etc. The list goes on.

At first it hurt like hell but Like NML says when you just come to accept these things and the person as she is you start free yourself from pain. I used to cry and suffered a lot over the obvious prefferences until one day I wiped my tears away and said: “I am tired of this suffering, I may not be my brother but I am still special and have very good qualities and I dont even have to prove this. I just know it and thats enough. I will live my life as ME and be true to ME only. I don’t care if she accepts me, aproves of me or not. I will be ME whether she likes it or not.”

I think from that moment on there was a 360 degree shift in my thinking, how I view her and I also changed my behaviour towards her. But as it goes with any changes in life, people dont like changes, she didnt like my new attitude and strenght but guess what? I didn’t care anymore. At that point I was independent enough to live on my own and only came to visit her sometimes plus aI got involved with school.

She made a lot of remarks after that , tried to manipulated me, created drama and trouble to make me angry and then tell me: “see what I am talking about”. Some days she coursed me out and also called me up one day to tell me: “I hope that when you become a mother and have kids you dont have to go through this” also suggesting I was going to be a bad mother (that hurt very much).

Even my brother told me once: ” You have changed, you are not humble like you used to be with mom” . WOW thats what mother’s brainwashing and giving you special treatments for a lifetime does to you. They didn’t even seem happy that I, unlike my brother, decided to continue school. But of course I was already aware of the dynamic that was happening around me and in my house since little. No surprise.
People dont like change, specially when they no longer have control over you and your emotions. They can’t play with you anylonger. Now you are a grown adult who thinks and understand the crazy cycle of a dysfunctional family. This feeling of loosing control must be chaotic for them trying to get you to be the way you were before, submissive, naive and a doormat. In the process they try to bring you down to their level as much as they can but when they can’t achieve this they *sort* of start accepting you in a superfical level and are more diplomatic about it. I have succesfully (gradually) stablished new conditions, new communication style and the time I spend with them.

Its funny, to think that all of these changes happen through actions and actions only.. I never sat down with them and said: “Ok listen, things are going to be differen from now on”. NO, the way I did it was to just physically and mentally removed myself from their crazy place.

Distance and NC makes everybody involved get a new perspective on things. They start to consider the possibility that perhaps they had *something* to do with the change they see in you. They wonder why are you different? How are you managing? Why are you okay with being away and not talking? What is it in you that is drawing them to respect you? They see the change in you and then they start to adapt. This is what they used to call: ” not being humble”. talk about twisted thinking!!! To them, Having self steem equals not being humble.

I can happily report, our relationship with my mother is not perfect but has improved in a lot of ways, we are more communicative and when the fire starts I know how to handle it and not get hurt or end up arguing all over again. It does help that she is getting older and I am getting older, we are both at different stages in life where we are more mature and a bit more understanding.
It has definitely been a crazy ride but I have learned to manage.

Wow, Natalie, that pretty much describes my mother’s relationship with me. Literally, if I was eating an apple and she would question why I am eating that and not an orange instead? Or if I am doing something of interest, she would ask why I wasn’t doing that other thing anymore. She was/is consistently contradictory. I call it second guessing, you called it invalidating. Results were the same.