Look how many of us grow up with the SAME stories and issues. Its stultifies me.

Im almost thankful that my dad didn’t stick around – so that I only have ONE HALF the set of Messages I did receive from my mother.

For some reason I didnt develop alot of messages about my father not being there – because I do recall how he doted on me when I was little; to the extent that the mother would show signs of jealousy and anger towards me because of it.

Bottom line is – It’s now my turn to replace all these faulty messages with new ones that SERVE my best interests and help me make choices that reflect my love for myself.

Phew. Im tired.

Life is a journey. Always a work in progress.

P.S. Hopefully you’ll do an entry on mother/daughter dynamics. Those can be as dysfunctional & destructive as father/daughter dynamics.

I really liked what you said about re-teaching yourself how to choose healthy partners. It sounds like we did the same thing our mothers did – understand where our father’s behavior was coming from and therefore excuse it – but it’s not a healthy way to behave with people we date. I also think you are lucky that you know how to express your anger and stand up for yourself… I think it’s better than being stuck in passive mode where you have accepted and kept quiet for so long, that you can’t even identify what a boundary is or if someone is crossing it. You sound like you are on the right path in figuring out how you need to react in the future.

Funny too that you mentioned that you are emotionally immature, I said that exact thing to my mother several months ago. My parents did something I wasn’t happy about, and I actually ADMITTED it, which was huge for me. And then (of course) I felt I had to apologize for expressing my anger, but in the process said look, I am kind of “learning to walk” in terms of my emotional life, and I would appreciate your support.

I guess we all have to start somewhere?!

But I know exactly what you mean – why settle for someone if you don’t feel an emotional connection with them? I’m sure you also have plenty of friends and activities to fill up your social life, and there’s no point in carving out time for someone if that person doesn’t add something extra to your life that you can’t get anywhere else.

One perfect (and heartbreaking) example was the guy I dated in college and grad school… to this day I still consider him the love of my life, because our 3-year relationship was so fairytale and mutual-admiration and adoration. I’m sure it was because “real life” had not yet intruded, and we were able to push our differences under the rug for a long time. But even though I called him the love of my life, something deeper was always missing with us… he just didn’t “get” me, and the loneliness I felt sitting next to him was sometimes overwhelming.

Looking back, do I wish I had stayed with him and tried to get my emotional needs met elsewhere? Honestly… these days I would say yes. But friends who knew me back then also remind me of how much I talked about what was lacking in our connection, so maybe my heart really did know what it was missing.

I have met guys after him who DID “get” me, and it was a totally different world. So I have to believe that somewhere out there, I’ll find a combination of what I loved about my ex and what I need in someone to navigate “real life” together. I guess the first step is truly ridding myself of the desire to date AC’s who will never be able to give me what I need, and sort through the “nice guys” after that….

I can relate to your situation, too. I had an angry dad and a passive/peace-making mom. They are still together after all these years. My friends have always envied my parents, because whenever we had company, my dad was on his best behavior, quite charming and funny, actually.

But even now, after all these years, the issues between them are still there. My mom has confided in me how unhappy she really is. I think her behavior over the years, trying to smooth things over, has taken its toll on her. She is underweight, and has low energy. I can’t help but look at her and think it’s like a physical manifestation of her emotional health. For so many years, she would deny her needs to please my dad, as if her needs didn’t exist. Now she is physically disappearing.

I have been through 2 bad marriages, and stayed in both of them longer than I should have. I would love to have a healthy, loving relationship, but I don’t envy anyone who settles, because I do not believe it brings long-term happiness.

My close friend who has been married to a difficult EUM for decades has become conflict avoidant with her husband to such an extreme that her kids think she is a bit daft at times. The whitewashing has affected her patterns of behavior in other areas of her life.

She has some really rough and low times with her husband but says she stays because she loves him. I found I could not take the ill tempered, angry behavior. I’d honestly rather be alone than live with that kind of love. That is not love to me.

So I guess I look for someone who probably can’t measure up.

Are they settling to be in a relationship or are we settling to be single?

My brother and sister are both happily married as well, and don’t have many friends outside their relationship, either. Me, on the other hand – I have many friends and outside activities, but haven’t had a successful relationship for almost 10 years. Just keep dating one AC after another… which really pisses me off. On one hand I KNOW that I have learned so much from my experiences, and that the person I end up with will be a good fit for me. But on the other hand, I seem to be programmed to only be attracted to unavailable men, and I’m not sure how to fix that?! Somehow my self-awareness hasn’t translated into chemistry… and I’m afraid it never will. THAT is what makes me feel hopeless.

I’m sure that’s yet another step in my evolution… but I’m just feeling a bit impatient these days. Girls have their needs too:) In the process of cutting off all the people who don’t give me what I want, I am truly finding that I’m left with no one. And for a gal in the prime of her life (sexually, anyway!), that is quite the annoying reality!

Now, I sometimes feel that she did not protect us from that bully, and stood by while he abused us every single day. She should have left him way back then. They finally got divorced 5yrs ago, after 33yrs of marriage. Too bad he charmed a nice lady in a 3 month span of time, and married her before the mask came off. Now he is her problem.

Yup, that was my situation at home…. i recently found out that my dad witnessed a lot of yelling matches and was subjected to a lot of abuse at home with my grandparents. He told my mom a few months back that all he remembers doing was going to his room and putting on his head phones and trying to block it out
… (my mom told me this).
It explained so much to me – he had so much anger inside of him and someone like me – who may have been on the more aggressive side and pretty forth right – brought out all the rage in him. My mom tried so hard to please him and waited on him hand and foot.
My other sisters knew their way around him and sucked up a bit more to get their way. I never did.
I was hit all through my teens and into my early 20′s for not doing what i was told and mouthing off – they were never. I don’t blame all the fighting on him – I do have a temper and i wasn’t afraid to express my anger. He didn’t know how to handle it. However – the belittling comments and the “tough love” as my mother puts it, is what really sticks. I’m very emotionally immature, and i am not logical at all when it comes to love, I know that the way I was treated at home has a lot to do with it.

It bothers me that I see my mother and father doing little vacations and loving each other to death. It’s not that I’m jealous that they have each other and i’m alone – I’m upset that he is so emotionally detached with his kids that he won’t take 5 minutes to think about how his behavior has affected us now that we are young ladies. It’s not fair. I deserve that apology, but like i said in my last post, it’s not coming… so I have to accept that and re-teach myself how to take care of me and chose healthy partners.

Our last family trip he asked me why i didn’t have a bf,…. which was weird already because he doesn’t normally ask me about boys. I simply said I was just very picky and he replied “Picky for losers”
I just walked away. That’s just him.

Thanks for listening xx

Understanding family dynamic is important, understanding how that’s impacted us is essential, knowing that we no longer have to live by those behaviors and finding new ways to be is the hard part!

If you think of your parents as young kids once, wanting the same love and understanding from their parents — and likely not getting it — then you can have a lot of compassion and empathy for them, and how they treated you. I sure hope my kid sees it that way!