I realized my patterns a few years ago. Meet a guy, have sex on the 3rd date as the sexual chemistry was intense, we’d date 3,6,9 months, 1 year, every weekend, go out and have fun and that was it. When I would press to define the relationship I was thinking too much, being too demanding or needy. No I was just asking if this is a perpetual weekend relationship or is something more solid coming down the pike.

After a big breakup in 2007 I really haven’t dated that much. I’ve spent a lot of time in introspection asking myself why I continued in relationships that were giving me crumbs. Once I realized my part in it, it really saddened and depressed me a while. Once I got over to the other side, I felt like a new person.

Ladies, I hear you on the age thing. When a man now asks me how old I am (and most men are too polite to ask you that) I tell him over 21. That’s all he needs to know at the moment.

What you are feeling is called change. You are finding that the assumptions you used to form your life .. might not all be true. Give it time – in the shadow of the fall of thinking yourself as being nothing but pretty, I imagine that you will find the substance and worth to yourself and others that was just covered up before.

Really.

Your previous worth – as a beautiful person – may be shaken, but I cannot imagine it truly gone if you can still smile.

You have lived. That experience is an asset that gives you wisdom and understanding. Take some time to get to know yourself.

Because not everyone looks for the “cutest thing I ever did see” (Sorry, just watched Elvis Presley in Kissin’ Cousins – love that Smoky Mountain Boy song.) There are many, many reasons to recognize worth in yourself and in a partner – appearance is about the most fleeting, and often the most shallow. (Sorry, again. I grew up in hog-raising country, in Iowa – many of the neighbors had the trivet on the wall “Kissin’ Don’t Last; Cookin’ Do.”) Kenny Rogers sings a song about Grady Wilson. One verse starts with “Amy Wilson was Grady’s wife. She bore his children and she graced his life.” Not a single word about apperance – just shared joy an family.

Change hurts, change is measured in pain. Trust me – there is much in you of worth to anyone. Your task is — to find out what you are, and treasure what you find.

Blessed be.

Brad’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

I think your thoughts are common in middle aged single women, but as I age I see that substance is so much more important than looks.

The name you have chosen to use here speaks volumes to me, It reminds me of a journey many of us in this situation find the need to take. Its the journey of our heart, and I needed to go within and learn to know and love myself. This journey was also the way I got over the fear of being alone, that you describe,

Maybe like me, learning to love yourself, to be content and relaxed within, you will not be afraid to be alone and you will really know what love of self feels like is, and also what you need and expect from another.

And when you meet a man you will pay attention to the careful evaluation process we are learning about in all these posts, and the AC / EUM won’t be able to get a foot in the door.

For me, it is absolutely better to be alone than living with the unsatisfying soul sucking drama of an EUM.

I cannot say I am happy for you, an ending is never a time to celebrate. I am hopeful that you find peace, and a better chance at a happy tomorrow.

Do, please, do what you can to get his texts, calls, messages, and emails blocked – you don’t want to know if or when he tries to contact you. Each time he tries, even if you don’t do anything but notice the arrival of the call, the email, the text – you leave a bit of yourself tied to that old relationship. Each message reawakens thoughts about him, etc. Your healing will be much more positive and simpler if you don’t know that he tried to contact you.

The anger and hurt are part of the grieving process. Your body and mind will grieve, even though you chose to end the relationship. Someone that your body has bonded to, through exchanged pheromones (shared breaths, touches, etc.), and that your mind and soul have adapted to being in your life – is not gone. Your reactions are emotional, sure, we all recognize that. Part of the reaction is also physical. Understanding that the doubts and fears and anger are more than just something that happens to us can be a comfort. Knowing that keeping active, distracted, and focused on positive things can help the issues pass, and that finding someone experienced with grief to help talk through the experience – gives us hope about what lies ahead, and understanding of what we are doing.

As for why the string of EUM’s – that is what Baggage Reclaim is all about! Much of the issue is self esteem, not believing you deserve a whole and healthy partner. Part may be in looking for a hero, a shining star to lead you to happiness, instead of looking for a respectful and honest mate-prospect. Flash and glitter are all too easy to fake, and can be used to conceal all manner of faults. Respect can be faked for a while, but before long you will know the real deal from the perpetual daters and skilled bed partner winners.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..From lending money to protecting your heart

I will second Gaynor – this guy has used up all the politeness and courtesy he could possibly expect from you.

But I don’t like white lies with people like the dude you describe. Courtesy, politeness, trying not to hurt feelings and trying to get along – these are great for strangers, they open doors. With acquaintances and friends – whom hopefully you respect – this is the lubricant of relationships and friendships.

This guy is instead a different class. A proven deceiver and bully. He abuses your trust, wastes your time, and lies, with his presence, about his availability and interest. With him you need to practice “No. I am not interested.” Never give him another excuse, never give him another explanation. This would be excellent practice for you – to express clear, concise decisions and choices. Leave no doubt, nothing to read between the lines – we know for dead, certain sure he neither reads the lines nor between them – he doesn’t care that much.

I do *not* mean to give him a piece of your mind. He will never change, never be suitable to keep around on any terms. You are not his Mommy, you are not his trainer or teacher or boss – you have no responsibility or right to judge, to punish, or to correct him. What you do have – is a responsibility to yourself to protect yourself from people that hurt you as he does.

NML has written about a very effective procedure for reclaiming your life from a relationship with an EUM. – The No Contact Rule.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule/

NCR will guide you on why and how to get him out of your life, and why to start healing and recovering.

Tapering things off might save face in front of your friends, but he won’t appreciate anything, and it will cost you time before you can begin to heal. Putting off the “final moment” won’t help anyone. And you should know – you are really, really unlikely to ever – ever – get “closure” with this guy. He won’t politely agree it is over, he won’t show up to discuss why things didn’t work, won’t care about cleaning up loose ends.

The best you can hope for, when you decide to end the affair, is the knowledge that you chose to end the relationship. This knowledge will be important for your healing, even while you have second thoughts about whether it was the right thing to do. Denial is a part of every major change in a life; don’t let doubts surprise you, and don’t let doubts change your mind.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..From lending money to protecting your heart

I can’t even imagine dipping my toe into the dating pool. I just don’t have the confidence, or the desire to connect with anyone. I don’t necessarily want to be alone for the rest of my life but am in NO hurry to share my current life with anyone-hence my continuing to see the EUM-he was convenient and I didn’t have to make much of an effort.

Gail, you have met SEVERAL men in the last few months? How are you doing this? What are they like? Are they guys with a whole lot of baggage? I can’t imagine people of this age NOT having baggage!

I guess I am just scared of being hurt and so I don’t try. People always say, “Oh, it’ll come to you when you’re not looking”. Well, Im NOT looking and nobody has surfaced yet.

I guess I also don’t want to make it into a full time job-it smacks too much of neediness to be searching for a guy. That’s probably why I haven’t had any success…

Why waste another minute of your precious time on this guy??????

Perhaps your “looks” are not fading – perhaps your “EUM magnet” is breaking down. Dress and present yourself as a person with character, with a respectful and nurturing nature, with respect for yourself and others. That should be more than enough to interest a guy that hasn’t made skirt-chasing his life’s work. You do *not* need attention from skirt-chasers!

Next time you have a chance, visit an old-folks home. Notice the amount of attention spent on drama, on singles functions – on flirting and relationships! The first bloom of youth is intended to smooth the way, to make an arranged match bearable or help people deal with a less-than ideal match. Only, we no longer life in a society that demands that particular adaptation. Really. Instead, marketers have grabbed that youthful, sexually enticing image – to sell cars and soap and cosmetics. Now, doesn’t selling powders and smells seem like a really great reason to have your body surgically altered, to long for “the look” that marketers and fashion gurus claim will win attention or happiness? I notice none of the claims boast “healthier babies”. Well, maybe Vitamin D and Folic Acid.

Respect yourself, expect respect, discipline, and honesty from those around you. And best of luck!

Personally, I felt worse at 40 than I do at 53, as a matter of fact, I wouldn’t go back (except to exorcise the demons that held me back from a decent relationship earlier in my life than now). Getting older and running out of time has not been too much of a concern, okay maybe a little recently and I do understand how it may be for others. However, I am finding that there are many men out there, our age or younger that are nice, decent guys. If my lifestyle and where I am at right now in my life journey allowed me to start up a dating relationship I would and I tried, I am just not there yet but it’s not an age or physical thing for me. It’s a personal choice. Living a healthy lifestyle, eating properly, exercising regularly and getting your own mind right I think will take care of any misconceptions about maturing, love it and embrace it! As Natalie says, you project what you believe about yourself. Fortunately in that department there haven’t been any self-esteem issues for me, I do feel fortunate.

If it’s any consolation and positive reinforcement for you, 54 is really great and there are men are out there who are looking for and want to be with mature women of all shapes and sizes. Believe me, I’ve met several over the last couple of months and they are out there for you too!

I didn’t marry because I was completely immature and would have made a horrible wife….and I managed to feel like a complete loser because of what family members pressured me with and expected me to do. Now I simply say “screw it”.

I want a healthy man. And any man that hunts down pretty little 20 year olds wouldn’t make it with me anyway….because I say so….not the other way around. I’m not going to punish my future relationships because of my past but I sure as hell have changed the way I feel that I deserve to be treated. My guess is…..there isn’t an AC alive that would be able to live up to normal societal standards and I don’t have to worry about settling for crumbs! (Even if it means that I’m alone) I guess I better start picking up better hobbies…hee hee.

I’m proud of everyone on this site. Maybe we are middle aged and can’t strut like we once did…..(and maybe that’s a real good thing) but we’ve got so much more to offer because of our experiences. I finally have my head screwed on right and I’m dam* glad that I don’t have what it takes to make the AC’s turn my way anymore. (The men who chase arm-candy . . . hint, hint….total AClowns!!) When I do get my man, it will be a quality man…a healthy man. Someone that fell head over heels with my mistakes, flaws, wrinkles and all. Best wishes for all out there. ~Hugs~