Dating with fear and obsessing about your ex and no contact
The more and more emails and comments that I read about how women deal with emotional unavailability and the aftermath, is the more concerned I become about whether recovering Fallback Girls recognise some dangerous things that they may be doing to potentially draw them back into the cycle.
Dating and being cautious. Going on dates, being suspicious, being scared, worried that he’s going to turn out like all of the others, downplaying him like you’re settling for fear of ending up with another assclown.
No contact and obsessing about him. Cutting contact is a means of opening up your life to change. It is a beginning, not an end, however, and this is a big however, obsessing about the man you have cut contact with is actually another way of keeping contact.
No contact and obsessing about no contact. Thinking about the fact that you have cut contact, living in fear of contact from him, planning what you’ll say or do, deciding you’ll be too weak to deny him, and much more.
Now I don’t deny that it is hard to change a big habit, but many have done so before you, and if you empower yourself to believe in you more than you believe in any assclown crap or your fears, you can change your life too.
But you won’t change it if you miss the point of why you found yourself at this juncture in the first place.
In my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain how low self-esteem, lack of trust, and fear are the core drivers of your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships.
“Women all over the world have very negative relationships with themselves yet they expect to create positive relationships with others that will in effect, cancel out any negative feelings that they carry about themselves. They discover over time though, that no matter who they involve themselves with, good, bad, or indifferent, or no what they do, and where they go, they can’t escape themselves. Whatever negative feelings and beliefs you hold about yourself will colour, not only your vision of the world, but the interactions you have, and the people that you draw in. As a Fallback Girl, you may have been emotionally schooled by either parent to believe that your needs were not important and that your feelings should go unexpressed, so as an adult, even though you want to feel loved and love, you find yourself creating relationship patterns that mirror what you have learnt about yourself in childhood.
In believing that you are of very little importance, you don’t value yourself, and you don’t value what you bring to the table. You might feel disbelief that someone like the Mr Unavailable that has taken up with you could be interested in you, not because you are an awful person, but because you have no idea who you are and how valuable you are as an individual entity. Instead, you feel worthless and by associating with men that help you chase an elusive feeling, you believe that your value will go up by association. This is no different to people who surround themselves with material things to bolster their stature, yet no matter what they buy, it doesn’t change the things that they’re trying to mask.”
So here is the deal ladies:
You don’t just get over a man in a day. Moving on, letting go, healing, closure, no contact and anything else that you do in this process is a beginning and a commitment from you. It’s not ‘Oh I cut contact. The end’ - You have to manage the change in your life. You have to adjust your mentality, your attitude, and your habits.
You will have as little or big success with it as you choose to and if you have little or no success with moving on, it is solely down to you.
When a man attempts to make contact with you or even does, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
If he tells you a sob story, you don’t have to listen.
If he offers sex, you don’t have to have sex.
If he knocks at your door, you don’t have to open it.
In reality, you actually don’t have to think about him as much as you do…you just choose to.
Whatever happened to just breaking up? What is wrong with modern dating that we have an avoidance of endings because we want to leave our options open because we’re afraid we may have got it wrong or that they might change?
If you are dating and you feel scared and cautious and don’t know how to trust your judgement, you’re not ready to be dating yet. End of. Take a break for 3 months and actually deal with your issues instead of deciding that you will figure it out en route and then operating out of caution and distrust.
If you are still obsessed with him even though you have cut contact, it is likely that you may need some counselling to help you progress forward. Why? Because people break up with people and cut contact with people all the time that don’t don’t want to let go and they don’t obsess, they move forward. It is a sign that you are not able to cut contact and are more tied to the fears and the cycle of drama.
If you’re obsessed about the fact that you have cut contact, it is a sign that you are not busy or committed to you enough and that you haven’t started to deal with the issue of why you are there in the first place. The reality is that if you have a life that isn’t focused on him, even if he’s not physically in it, you don’t obsess about the fact that you’ve cut contact. You just get on with living.
And that is another problem - existing and not living.
The first issue of dating with too much caution shows that you don’t trust yourself and the latter two issues show that you have a part of you that is hoping that he will change and you are not ready to let go.
If you are going through any of these experiences, do you realise that you are just throwing your life away whilst he gets on with doing his? You’re living a half life and the awful thing is that because you apply a disporporationate amount of thought and worry to him and the relationship than he does, it means that he is experiencing a fraction of what you are whilst your life goes whizzing by in inertia.
Being with inappropriate men and continuing to be with them in spite of obvious poor behaviour is a sign of being afraid of commitment because you’re in a doomed relationship.
Don’t continue the pattern by not being able to commit to yourself.
Your thoughts? Are you experiencing this?
lisaq August 11th, 2008, 12:53 pm
No contact, while obviously not the easiest road to take, was the best thing I ever did for myself. In the beginning, I did spend some time obsessing, but that got better when I realized that I was making the choice. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I was reading Part 1 of Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl at the time.
He still tries to make contact once in awhile but I have come far enough that it’s more of an annoyance…like a fly that won’t go away…than anything else.
Girls, NML is right! It’s your choice and while it’s not easy, it may be the single best thing you can do for yourself!
Finally Seen The Light August 11th, 2008, 1:30 pm
I’ve only been 1 week with NC and I find I’m still thinking and processing what happened. What is the difference between obsessing and processing how I let myself stay in this relationship?
Brad K. August 11th, 2008, 2:21 pm
Finally Seen The Light - I imagine that obsessing and processing what happened will differ from one person to the next, and *will* change for anyone over time.
I imagine that in general obsessing would be to wonder what he is doing or thinking now. Obsessing would be dwelling on what happened in the past with little thought to how to do different in the future. Obsessing would obscure the choice to move away from the EUM, to forget the change you chose, and worry about today in terms of a relationship with the EUM.
I imagine the difference will be really fuzzy for most people, in the first couple of days. Reviewing the choice to end it, keeping the reasons for making the choice really prominent in mind will help swing solidly to the processing side and eventual healing.
Letting yourself wallow in grief, sorrow, and self pity for a day or three helps to make the choice you made personal and real. It acknowledges the longings you are disconnecting from the assclown. It creates a barrier of time and emotions between ‘harmful relationship with EUM’ and ‘moving on’.
The No Contact Rule both limits the chance that he gets to wreck your choice, and it gives you a structure to handle him. And reviewing your commitment to No Contact, making the rules and strategy part of your life, will reinforce your decision to move on.
NML - wonderful! This is a great insight into some recent comments, as well as answering some really tough questions.
Kaymart August 11th, 2008, 2:26 pm
Finally, I’m no expert, but from other break ups I’ve had, a week is still EARLY on. I wouln’t think there is a set time period, but maybe after 3 ot 4 weeks if someone doesn’t see SOME progress, one would wonder. Bit by bit over time, one begins to feel a bit better, begins to put more time into other things, less into thinking about it. You’re right…grieving, processing should happen, but gradually it diminishes and other things begin to predominate. It gets smaller and smaller, never totally leaves, I think, because people we care about are always there, but can become quite small. All losses are like that, in my experience. They find their place, but you are living your current life. But it does take time!
Loving Annie August 11th, 2008, 3:15 pm
Good Monday morning to you, NML ! How are you doing ?
I very much experienced this - all of it. I grieved and obsessed over my college boyfrend for seven years. I grieved and obsessed over another married man for five years. I grieved and obsessed over the cop on and off for four years.
I told myself I was just sensitive, that I felt things deeply.
I’ve wasted an enormous amount of time in my life - time that I cannot recover, and for exactly the reasons that you mentioned.
I had a negative relationship with myself - and thought HE was the only source of hope or happiness.
I didn’t work on myself, I was in denial, as well as blind and stuck.
Self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence were only words to me, and unfortunately meaningless ones at that to me…
I did stay connected to him by obsessing/analyzing.
I said I didn’t know HOW to stop thinking about him.
I didn’t even try to date, and if I did, I rejected them after one or two dates for what I convinced myself were legitimate reasons. I kept myself isolated and lonely,
No contact ? I had no clue what that meant. I wanted him to come back. Desperately.
I did everything possible to avoid understanding that I was part of the issue, and that there were things that seriously needed understanding, examining and healing IN ME.
I needed to have a healthy relationship with myself before I could ever have a heal;thy one with someone else.
I met a nice guy about a year ago who was in the process of getting a divorce. On our 4th date he wanted me to meet his 2 young kids and we would spend all day toegther at Sea World - I sabotaged it by calling the day before and saying I couldn’t get together until the afternoon.
He ended up dumping me on our 9th date, saying he felt smothered.
I realized I treated him like I never would have treated a woman friend.
Thank you for all that you say/write here, Natalie.
I am learning so much strength and wisdom from it.
I see the truth and welcome it. It frees me.
I am learning to value myself.
I am actually looking forward to dating again, whenever that happens. I am going into it a stronger me.
Boundaries make sense now, the most important ones being an AVAILABLE man who values me and shows me with his actions as well as his words that he is consistently interested.
I will walk away from the sexy man who is elusive or thinks I’m needy because I like getting a phone call almost every day, or who says he doesn’t want a committment, or he’s just so busy with everyhting else that I take 10th priority but I need to ‘understand’.
And I’ll no contact with confidence because I’ll see through his b.s./games and he won’t be of any interest to me.
Astelle August 11th, 2008, 4:13 pm
I did all that, obsessing and waiting and chasing. Looking back, I can’t believe I did all that! Cutting contact was Step 1 to change.
NML told me at one point: if you could see what he really is you wouldn’t be chasing him. It all comes down to using people. Don’t be excited if he makes contact, he does that for one reason only: to USE you again.
You are responsible for yourself, nobody else is.
I was married for a long time, took my time to look back at my marriage, seems I was always somewhat of a pleaser.
Don’t be afaid to go on dates and you can’t think, he will be just another loser or he is not as “good” as your EUM, you don’t want another EUM or you will never find happiness.
If we are honest with ourself, there are people out there we have no patience with, we don’t want to associate with and we stay away, we can apply the same to these men.
Astelle August 11th, 2008, 4:19 pm
I need to add something: I also cut contact with my ex husband for the same reason, he is poison for me. Some friends ask me, isn’t that a little bit harsh and I can’t explain to them about EUM or Narcissists, they look at me like I lost my mind. But, I don’t have to explain, I will do what is best for me.
I guess you have to experience this in order to understand, I had no clue, I learned from NML, not even a therapist knew about it. As soon as your self esteem is back, you won’t need therapy anymore, at least I don’t.
Whenever a girlfriend talks about her relationship problems, I refer them to this website.
Kim2 August 11th, 2008, 4:39 pm
OMG so true! The fear is that he doesn’t want a real relationship with ME. That I don’t have what he wants… that I am lacking something. I wanted to believe that I am good enough, that I am loveable and someone special to him but I never felt it. The guys that did treat me right I always found some reason to reject them.
Even though I have not spoken to the EUM in almost a year I do think about him all the time. I obsess over who he’s playing with now… I try to find out via the grapevine what he’s been doing (small town). GAG!! And yes I have been waiting and secretly hoping that he’d miss me… that he’d realize I really am a great catch… that he’s wasting his time with the women he picks up in bars for a night or a week or a month.
I realize too that I considered HIM to be someone special… interesting, exciting, magnetic. He is an azzclown but I ignored that because I wanted to believe that he was great and if he was interested in/attracted to me I must be someone special too. I was (still am) looking for validation from him and not getting it was frustrating and painful. I’d wonder over and over WHY he treated me the way he did when I was so nice, so easygoing, so accomodating, so much fun. Every time he withdrew I wondered what it was that I had done wrong. Never did I fault him or admit he was rude and had no boundaries, morals, ethics, values other than selfishness.
annied August 11th, 2008, 4:41 pm
Anyway, the EUM in my life makes me question myself. Like now, for instance, he still tells me he does not want to be a “boyfriend” but acts more accepting of us as a “couple”. He said he just “has to learn”. Am I supposed to be teaching him this crap? I am not just a little afraid that I’ll be doing all the “work” with this guy for the benefit of some other chick that he chooses later on. He has the perfect excuse - annie, I’ve never promised you anything.
How in the world do I KILL the hope I have that he will one day see me as someone of value in his life? Someone worth keeping? NC can only work if your heart is really in it.
Kim2 August 11th, 2008, 5:11 pm
annied - I am the same way. Maybe we have the same mother? We were never allowed to make decisions/choices either. Anything we did was “That’s okay but….” or “It would have been nice if you’d done it differently”. Even as adults our mother still tries to control us. We can’t go to a restaurant but she has to pick which one, where we sit, where we park, what we order. If we order something diff than she suggested she pouts and won’t talk. No lie!! We are in our 40’s and she still does this. We have each tried cutting contact with her but she calls the other two siblings crying and ranting about how poorly she’s being treated and how she won’t come to Xmas dinner if the “bad” daughter is there. We finally just gave up and let her have her way. She’s never wanted to spend time with her grandchildren and wonders why they don’t come and visit her now. She expects us to drop whatever we are doing and help her, expects us to give up plans to come out and paint her house, work on some project, etc.
So I was raised to be a people pleaser. Had to in order to protect myself. She’d slap the cr@p out of us (leather belts, wire hangers, etc.) and as kids we had to work - a lot. That’s how I got to be so insecure because I always had to anticipate her moods and learned how to dance around them. I still don’t trust my own opinions because if I’m wrong I’ll suffer for it. That is my auto pilot response to everything. My one sister and I have both been to couseling and the suggestion was to not have anything more to do with mother. That would mean being cut off from the entire family because she is a drama queen and tells everyone how terrible her daughter is and that we are liars, etc. Everyone knows her game now and doesn’t believe half of what she says but that is the environment I grew up in.
At 48 I have not had any successful fulfilling relationships. Was married four years in my 20’s to a compulsive gamble and liar. Hard to trust anyone. The genuinely nice guys bore me. For some reason (mother) I am attracted to the bad boys that can’t be trusted, can’t be monogamous, can’t be depended upon. It wouldn’t suck so much if I wasn’t so lonely. I have great friends but geesh… I can’t sleep with them and I like sex too.
Kim2 August 11th, 2008, 5:26 pm
Just to add… when my mother would say “It would have been nice if you’d…” wasn’t ever said in a nice way. What she meant was it was crap but would have acceptable if done her way. No matter what it was - food you cooked, something you made, color you painted your walls, car you bought, guy you dated, grades you got.
My mother was mean. I grew up being treated poorly. I don’t think I deserved it but I still don’t expect better. Low expectations and the belief that I have to do all the pleasing… that I have to prove myself… that I have to make sure the other person is happy and never dissatisfied or disappointed with me. Unrealistic isn’t it? Apparently I am nuts
annied August 11th, 2008, 5:46 pm
Kim2 … omg, I’m not alone! Only difference here is this is my father and not my mom. My mom just totally ignored us - that was awesome. Anyway, like you, my father was not nice about us making bad decisions - in fact, he was horrible and verbally abusive. Phrases i can remember are: If you had another brain, it’d be lonesome - I have more brains in my pinky than all you kids put together … you know, uplifiting stuff for a child to hear. We were told what to do as well as how and when to do it. If you tried your own way - fail or not - you were an idiot.
I too am in my 40’s and have married twice - men who just didnt really like me that much. A perpetual pleaser - I am trying really hard to break myself of it. But, you know, there is much to be UNdone first. My dad never saw any of my children born. Never knew them until they were older.
I am so sorry you too have to deal with this stuff. My therapist (a while back) went so far as to call my dad psychotic - but he is my dad. Still trying to run my life but the way I look at it, when he’s gone - he’s gone and no matter what, I will miss the FIRST man of many that I tried to win over. It all has to be connected.
Ashley August 11th, 2008, 5:50 pm
Great post. I’m going through a lot of this right now. I’ve been obsessing/trying to get over/backsliding with my EUM for the past YEAR. I’m finally on the right track. How I wish I had just kept up with no contact after the first 60 days of no contact last December. But no - I hadn’t really sorted through a lot of the issues with myself and I allowed myself a few backslides.
My last backslide was in May. Then I went into a justifying period where I thought we could be friendly. About 10 days ago I realized I was lying to myself. I’ve had no contact since then and it’s permanent this time. I’m done making excuses - “oh I work with him, it’s too uncomfortable to be distant”, blah, blah, blah.
And I was just thinking the other day that sometimes thinking about no contact is just as bad as having contact. And NML hit it on the head - it’s its own form of obsession.
I know that my ex EUM is living his life and I am of no concern to him. I don’t care to know what he’s doing with it or who he’s doing it with. I will never be at a point where I can be friends with him. Fact of the matter is we were INCOMPATIBLE as a couple in a real relationship. All the laughter, sex, fun, etc…. doesn’t except the fact that he did not want to have a relationship with me. Why would I want to continue being friends with someone like that?
Right now I am not ready to start dating. I’ve been feeling pulled towards some of my typical unavailable men (I have 4 types of EUMs to whom I am attracted) and I am turning them away or turning myself away.
What I have learned/am learning is that I like myself very much and I like the people in my life that are my true friends. I even like my work colleagues that I wouldn’t consider “friends” but consider quality people. And I see that I am very happy living a life full of positive energy. There is no need for EUMs. I don’t care if I never kiss another man for the rest of my life, never mind sex. Hopefully it won’t come to that. But - if it was between celibacy and another EUM - I’d choose celibacy.
So, I’m going it alone for a little longer - no dating just yet. My goal is that by October 1 will put myself on an online dating site and start dating again - unafraid, with high self esteem and with a fresh new healthy perspective on dating, love and relationships. I’m leaving my old self and old patterns behind.
This site is great - always so timely. Good luck everyone!
Sindh August 12th, 2008, 3:28 am
THANK YOU NML.
Thanks for taking the time to write this article. I needed to read this.
God Bless
Marie
Sindh August 12th, 2008, 3:31 am
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
Sheila August 12th, 2008, 1:49 pm
hi Ladies.. great post.. I have decided something the past few weeks.. First, i’m on almost 2 months of NC, and doing great.. i have set backs, but i can’t do anything about them, they come and go.
I have realized to finally do something for me!!! As i have posted numerous times in “breaking up and cutting contact part 1″… me and my EUM were introduced by a mutual guy friend, who i am still close with. We have had the “talk” about the EUM, and the guy has told me he is bad news, keep moving forward. IN the past few months, we have remained friends and kept the EUM out of our convos, but i just realized that they still hang in the same cirlce of friends, although their friendship in general has soured…As i move toward healing, which i am doing day by day, i find that my friendship with this guy, is still a connection to my EUM, a connection, I cannot handle. I have made all the right moves by cutting contact, and it seems little things come up even if it’s just that “oh, he wont be there, he’s traveling for work”.. i DONT’ WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM OR WHAT HE IS DOING..
I need to do what’s right for me, and for now, i need to cut contact with our mutual friend. I’m not afraid to say i’m not strong enough yet to handle it, but i will say i’m strong enough to know what is good for me, and i’m not fking this up now, i have come too far. No one else has to deal with bits and pieces of their ex EUM.
I am finally sick of trying to save people’s feelings, like my mutual friend, and remain friends close with him in an attempt to not have my EUM ruin our friendship, but that’s not the case.
No contact is new beginning, new people, new friendships and a new slate.
I have been hurt too bad to think i can handle that, bc i can’t..
I will say, i’m doing better every day, and will never turn back. I
any input?
SuzieQ August 12th, 2008, 2:27 pm
Shelia, I have a similar problem, by brother is good friends with my ex EUM’s sis in law. That is how we met. My brother used to date his sis in law for many years, her and I became best friends. When her sister left her husband for another man, she fixed me up with him - in fact she pushed him on me, I was very reluctant. Anyway when her sister found out and was mad, my friend
turned on me and acted like it was all my doing and that she had nothing to do with it. I have not spoken to her since, and that was 2 years ago. My brother and this girl are still friends even though they broke up many years ago, they share dogs so they have to talk every day. So I always have to hear little things about them through my brother. I can’t stop talking to my own brother, so I try to just ignore him when he brings them up. By the same token I am sure my brother says stuff about me to them.
I have decided that what will be really great is when I move on and find a new guy and am really happy, I am sure it will get back to my ex through my brother. So I will get my revenge eventually.
I would recommend for you to spend as little time with this mutual friend as possible. Someday when you have someone new and are happy maybe you can be friends again.
Tulipa August 14th, 2008, 3:50 am
This article is a clear reflection of me… It has been two months since he did the dirty on me and I can’t let him go.
I tell myself how stupid my thinking and obessing is and that he is really NOT thinking of me he is just going on with his life and probably in his own limited way enjoying himself thoughts of me don’t interrupt him when he is out doing his stuff hes not crying himself to sleep nor waking up crying because he hasn’t heard from me. It is definately time for me to grow a healthy liking for myself focus on me and let go. He is not responsible for how I feel about myself and whether I approve of myself or not it is my responsibilty to go out there and live life.
Childhood taught me to be a people pleaser too and to anticipate moods of others and act accordingly never trusting in my own thoughts feelings and opinions. And that it feels good to feel so bad…
You are right NML I am like I am because I am choosing daily to think this way to let myself cry and cry and to let myself think there must be something wrong with me because one he doesn’t call and two because he rejected me with one hurtful decsion he made. I do feel better a little I have been re reading your first book and other books and am choosing not so much to dwell on it all. Making myself a little busier and concentrating on what needs to be done in my life.
RES August 15th, 2008, 2:01 am
AMEN!
Alika August 22nd, 2008, 11:30 pm
Dear NML,
Good article as usual!! I will be honest with you, I am not scared to date men, but I dont want to!
I dont know, but I think I dont need a man…..Your articles and comments of readers are really helped me, finally I realised that I can live without my EUM….Its doesnt mean, that I lost hopes or something, I just dont have this need and desire to date anyone:-) My life far better and interesing without all these time-waisters!!!
Onepinkmartini August 26th, 2008, 6:01 pm
Hey guys.
An epic -but worth a read if you are going crazy over a EUM. I finally said goodbye to an EUM who had the ‘open door’ in my life for over 4 years after our original breakup -that I had initiated and had blamed myself ever since. I have learned a lot.
I was 25 and confused as to why my instincts told me to break up with him -and I didnt handle things right (I was still learning and put it this way -before him I came straight out of a 6 yr relationship with a controlling guy, a best friend of mine had died, my parents had a messy divorce when I was a teenager that went on for years into my adult life, and on top I never knew my real father -I guess you could say I had some stuff to work on and wasnt my best when we were together
and I came to realise I handled things wrong.
Some points to know about him - he had in the past a typical ego and subconsciously blamed me for everything that went wrong, he could not apologise and his behaviour showed he was ambivilant and encouraged insecurity. He was a passive aggressive -so he couldnt deal with confrontation and would disapear as soon as things got uncomfortable (just like my step dad ironically! -pattern here?).
I have always been quite an honest and upfront person (only once getting to know someone). We were together 3 years originally so I figured this time we had known each other too long for immature games. How wrong I was. I fell into this trap -and as the saying goes:
“never wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty but the pig will love it!”
During two years where I hadnt got in contact I did a lot of soul searching and changed my behaviour for me as I wanted to deal with past issues. Subsequently my implication in dramatic liasons subsided. I started to date nice guys. Things got really good and simple in my life.
When he next contacted me I genuinely wanted to be friends and to put the past behind us not realising his motives. The next time I got in contact -I implied that I was sorry for the part I played in our past and that I was happy to move on, not expecting him to reply -this was part of my healing and I assumed it would help me move on.
I then met a another guy and then my ex -got in contact a few months later saying he missed me and that “some things dont go away”.
Since so much time had elapsed I thought maybe we had both changed, and after a few months I agreed to see him -and broke up with my guy and told my ex I was now out of the relationship. Bad idea. I think I hurt his ego here…check this out….
So anyway my ex and I had a nice meeting -nothing emotional was discussed -but that was ok as we were just getting to know each other again. I figured it would be the start of many getting to know you sessions. But when we left -he didnt mention when we would see each other again and I felt a familiar emptiness (first warning). Thats when the hot and cold began, the excuses, the pulling back, the lets just be friends, the time references ie; You just got out of something, Its too early to discuss emotions, I cant explain right now, I am busy at work blah blah blah. Always emails, never calls or arranged meetings. …I stayed rational, I laughed at it, I made the mistakes -I kept a distance, kept relaxed not wanting him to freak out. I used reason, negotiation (all wrong!!).
In my mind though, I was not the same naive girl I was when we first got together. So, although I had strong feelings, In my head I decided to give him a time limit -to see how he would behave if I kept calm and honest.
Last month was the end of the time frame, and it was enough time to see that he was not the man I thought I was in love with. When I asked him cooly; why it was we had only met once in the best part of a year -and that I would disapear unless he told me what was going on he said “I have been in a relationship and we just broke up -for other reasons -I should have said something perhaps -but well, we all make mistakes and learn…”.
My jaw was agap. Not only had he lied to me for 10 months and barely even acknowledged it “we all make mistakes” (well thats ok then -as long as you learned so quickly dear….its okay you kept me in the dark and on the back burner for 10 months while you were with someone else *eye roll*).
He had sent emotionally implicated emails (somethings dont go away) the hot - the sexually implicated emails (that I would not engage in till I was certain -thank goodness) and this was all while he was in this ‘relationship’ and this excuse was supposed to account for why he didnt call and we hadnt met to get to know each other again.
I kept my cool.
We were due to meet up last month -to discuss this. I read the ebook, which was a final reminder of how far I had come. I chose not to meet him even though it was really tempting to get dressed up and knock him dead -so-to-speak…
This doesnt work no matter how hot you are as it isnt just about looks to him its to see what hoops you will jump through and he wants some no strings bedtime fun -esp if he says ‘lets just be friends for now’….or ‘I have a spare room’ yeah…right…
When he sms’d me I didnt reply (if it was this bad now what would happen if we got intimate?) My choice was to avoid further risk and write a succint goodbye email explaining I would not be in contact again and the reasons why I didnt meet him (couldnt care what he thought as it gave me closure) and I send it. I wanted to leave things honest , calm and clear -good Karma -no matter what he had tried to do to me intentionally or otherwise -I am better than that and my ego didnt need him to validate me or pursue me further. (Isnt it great we are not all deluded by the weight of the ego?).
I deleted all my email accounts and changed my numbers. Trust me boys and girls -this is THE only way the NCR is fool proof -as it eliminates the obsessing as to why he/she has/hasnt called. -Take control and the pain will subside I promise.
I allowed myself three days to wallow, and then I picked myself off -my confidence came from making a CHOICE and putting myself first and making a healthy rational and REAL adult decision not based on the heart.
If you find it harder than me -seek counselling, the doctor -use whatever resources are necessary -just make a plan to change and heal. Its exciting to start the real process of meeting someone and it being healthy -Imost men are great, and not all of them are like this! But its also good to be on my own and find out more about myself (its a work in progress!) so its a win win situation.
Sometimes the doubt tries to kick in -its human nature; yet I know if we got back together I would have been miserable and in turn made him miserable (he needs to sort himself out in his own time). You cannot win with people like this -no matter how secure you are. I have learned a real precious lesson -trust your instincts -if you feel bad -you probably are in a bad situation. Its that simple.
Dont let drama and intensity be a substitute for real love.
Dont allow someone to get away with lying about something important to you -EVER -if someone can be so blase about something so important to you -there is your answer loud and clear.
Always judge someone on their ACTIONS not what they tell you. It will tell you everything you need to know.
Give yourself a timeframe and observe how they behave -give them a chance to prove to you how rubbish they really are.
Dont try to analyse them -let them screw it up themselves, dont put too much effort in if you suspect EU behaviour.
NCR -CHANGE your contact details -dont delude yourself -you cant be real friends with people like this.
Take responsibility for your life and take comfort that the best lessons are the most painful ones -it is why we are here -to learn. You will recover and in time feel grateful for the gift their behaviour has given you.
De August 26th, 2008, 8:28 pm
Hi all,
I think the reason my assclown didn’t want to see me was because he was too busy
emailing texting and talking to everyone of you on this site!!!
surely it’s the same guy!!
Every email I read of yours hit’s a resonance of my experience
Onepinkmartini I’ve just had the exact same experience, two years in contact. The three times I saw him in those two years he was wrapped around another woman. Yet he justified it and made it my fault every time. Boy was I in a bad place.
Thanks for keeping me on track and thanks so much for this site, whenever I feel a pang I come straight here to get me back on track. It’s been 1 month since NC and I keep catching myself in pure bliss moments..
I heart myself saying…I’m excited by my life…and I actually feel it! I just made my first movie and feel I have found my life back richer and more rewarding than I ever imagined…thanks to no man. But i do thank God…and whose to say she’s a man.
Keep up the good work
De
Cynnie September 5th, 2008, 3:26 pm
I was on almost 2 weeks of no contact when Mr. EUM texted me, saying he “missed me a lot and still loved me.” The next day he called. I could have ignored him, but I just had to know what he had to say. Was he calling to apologise? Explain? Talk about us finally? Give the relationship another try? So I answered.
BIG mistake.
He never said sorry. I persisted in trying to get him to explain his behavior and I tried to get him to understand the hurt I was going through because of him. He said very little. I asked him if he though that he treated me well and he said “no.” He said that he had to go and that he’d call me later in the night so that we could resolve our issues.
You guessed it. He never called back.
Any sane person would have washed their hands of the matter, but not me. I called (no answer) and texted, with the last text saying that if he did not respond that was truly the end of us. Then I stopped dead in my tracks - I was now being the pursuer! This madness had to stop.
FYI, He never responded to my text.
Although I was hurt, it was actually therapeutic as I understood ONCE & FOR ALL that it was OVER. That he doesn’t not truly care about me or even love me. I guess I had to have that emotional knife thrust deep into my heart, twisted and rammed back in again to understand that it is OVER.
The next day as I was walking past a store I heard a tap on the window & there was the fool, waving and smiling at me like we were the best of friends. I gave a slight acknowlegment & kept on walking.
I am back on NC with renewed vigour. The fact that he admitted that he KNEW he wasn’t treating me good and seemed indifferrent to the fact was what I needed to purge myself of his toxic self. This time I want to succeed. I look forward to not having him in my life and to the day when the hurt subsides. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions from hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment and acceptance. Now I feel incredulous that I actually tolerated his not calling me, not taking me out or being emotionally available for so long.
I realised that what I thought was NC before was just a cooling off period to see if he would come back. I would wonder if he missed me and if this time apart would make his heart grow fonder for me.
It didn’t.
I want nothing to do with him. He has been blocked on my email and instant message and deleted from my phone (I can’t block him as the service is not provided by my carrier) I am so certain that I will NEVER go back with him that I decided to post here (as a reminder). I would rather roll a peanut with my nose over the Brooklyn Bridge before I go back with that fool.
*Empowered*
Cynnie September 5th, 2008, 3:30 pm
Follow up
I also wanted to add that I also felt insulted that Mr. EUM would THINK that how he treated me was “the way” to win me over adn keep me. Puleeeese!
And my post shoudl have read that I felt incredulous that I tolerated his emotional UNAVAILABILITY for so long.
*Cheers*
Alika September 15th, 2008, 9:08 pm
Oh, Cynnie,
I am really sorry, I am so angry with your EUM, what a b””’d!!!
Stay strong, I think you made a right decision by meeting him, at least you know that he is not worth it! His lost!
Take care, I wish you all the best!!!