I am really sorry, I am so angry with your EUM, what a b””’d!!!

Stay strong, I think you made a right decision by meeting him, at least you know that he is not worth it! His lost!

Take care, I wish you all the best!!!

I also wanted to add that I also felt insulted that Mr. EUM would THINK that how he treated me was “the way” to win me over adn keep me. Puleeeese!

And my post shoudl have read that I felt incredulous that I tolerated his emotional UNAVAILABILITY for so long.

*Cheers*

BIG mistake.

He never said sorry. I persisted in trying to get him to explain his behavior and I tried to get him to understand the hurt I was going through because of him. He said very little. I asked him if he though that he treated me well and he said “no.” He said that he had to go and that he’d call me later in the night so that we could resolve our issues.

You guessed it. He never called back.

Any sane person would have washed their hands of the matter, but not me. I called (no answer) and texted, with the last text saying that if he did not respond that was truly the end of us. Then I stopped dead in my tracks - I was now being the pursuer! This madness had to stop.

FYI, He never responded to my text.

Although I was hurt, it was actually therapeutic as I understood ONCE & FOR ALL that it was OVER. That he doesn’t not truly care about me or even love me. I guess I had to have that emotional knife thrust deep into my heart, twisted and rammed back in again to understand that it is OVER.

The next day as I was walking past a store I heard a tap on the window & there was the fool, waving and smiling at me like we were the best of friends. I gave a slight acknowlegment & kept on walking.

I am back on NC with renewed vigour. The fact that he admitted that he KNEW he wasn’t treating me good and seemed indifferrent to the fact was what I needed to purge myself of his toxic self. This time I want to succeed. I look forward to not having him in my life and to the day when the hurt subsides. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions from hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment and acceptance. Now I feel incredulous that I actually tolerated his not calling me, not taking me out or being emotionally available for so long.

I realised that what I thought was NC before was just a cooling off period to see if he would come back. I would wonder if he missed me and if this time apart would make his heart grow fonder for me.

It didn’t.

I want nothing to do with him. He has been blocked on my email and instant message and deleted from my phone (I can’t block him as the service is not provided by my carrier) I am so certain that I will NEVER go back with him that I decided to post here (as a reminder). I would rather roll a peanut with my nose over the Brooklyn Bridge before I go back with that fool.

*Empowered*

I think the reason my assclown didn’t want to see me was because he was too busy
emailing texting and talking to everyone of you on this site!!!

surely it’s the same guy!!

Every email I read of yours hit’s a resonance of my experience

Onepinkmartini I’ve just had the exact same experience, two years in contact. The three times I saw him in those two years he was wrapped around another woman. Yet he justified it and made it my fault every time. Boy was I in a bad place.

Thanks for keeping me on track and thanks so much for this site, whenever I feel a pang I come straight here to get me back on track. It’s been 1 month since NC and I keep catching myself in pure bliss moments..

I heart myself saying…I’m excited by my life…and I actually feel it! I just made my first movie and feel I have found my life back richer and more rewarding than I ever imagined…thanks to no man. But i do thank God…and whose to say she’s a man.

Keep up the good work

De

An epic -but worth a read if you are going crazy over a EUM. I finally said goodbye to an EUM who had the ‘open door’ in my life for over 4 years after our original breakup -that I had initiated and had blamed myself ever since. I have learned a lot.

I was 25 and confused as to why my instincts told me to break up with him -and I didnt handle things right (I was still learning and put it this way -before him I came straight out of a 6 yr relationship with a controlling guy, a best friend of mine had died, my parents had a messy divorce when I was a teenager that went on for years into my adult life, and on top I never knew my real father -I guess you could say I had some stuff to work on and wasnt my best when we were together and I came to realise I handled things wrong.

Some points to know about him - he had in the past a typical ego and subconsciously blamed me for everything that went wrong, he could not apologise and his behaviour showed he was ambivilant and encouraged insecurity. He was a passive aggressive -so he couldnt deal with confrontation and would disapear as soon as things got uncomfortable (just like my step dad ironically! -pattern here?).

I have always been quite an honest and upfront person (only once getting to know someone). We were together 3 years originally so I figured this time we had known each other too long for immature games. How wrong I was. I fell into this trap -and as the saying goes:

“never wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty but the pig will love it!”

During two years where I hadnt got in contact I did a lot of soul searching and changed my behaviour for me as I wanted to deal with past issues. Subsequently my implication in dramatic liasons subsided. I started to date nice guys. Things got really good and simple in my life.

When he next contacted me I genuinely wanted to be friends and to put the past behind us not realising his motives. The next time I got in contact -I implied that I was sorry for the part I played in our past and that I was happy to move on, not expecting him to reply -this was part of my healing and I assumed it would help me move on.

I then met a another guy and then my ex -got in contact a few months later saying he missed me and that “some things dont go away”.

Since so much time had elapsed I thought maybe we had both changed, and after a few months I agreed to see him -and broke up with my guy and told my ex I was now out of the relationship. Bad idea. I think I hurt his ego here…check this out….

So anyway my ex and I had a nice meeting -nothing emotional was discussed -but that was ok as we were just getting to know each other again. I figured it would be the start of many getting to know you sessions. But when we left -he didnt mention when we would see each other again and I felt a familiar emptiness (first warning). Thats when the hot and cold began, the excuses, the pulling back, the lets just be friends, the time references ie; You just got out of something, Its too early to discuss emotions, I cant explain right now, I am busy at work blah blah blah. Always emails, never calls or arranged meetings. …I stayed rational, I laughed at it, I made the mistakes -I kept a distance, kept relaxed not wanting him to freak out. I used reason, negotiation (all wrong!!).

In my mind though, I was not the same naive girl I was when we first got together. So, although I had strong feelings, In my head I decided to give him a time limit -to see how he would behave if I kept calm and honest.

Last month was the end of the time frame, and it was enough time to see that he was not the man I thought I was in love with. When I asked him cooly; why it was we had only met once in the best part of a year -and that I would disapear unless he told me what was going on he said “I have been in a relationship and we just broke up -for other reasons -I should have said something perhaps -but well, we all make mistakes and learn…”.

My jaw was agap. Not only had he lied to me for 10 months and barely even acknowledged it “we all make mistakes” (well thats ok then -as long as you learned so quickly dear….its okay you kept me in the dark and on the back burner for 10 months while you were with someone else *eye roll*).

He had sent emotionally implicated emails (somethings dont go away) the hot - the sexually implicated emails (that I would not engage in till I was certain -thank goodness) and this was all while he was in this ‘relationship’ and this excuse was supposed to account for why he didnt call and we hadnt met to get to know each other again.

I kept my cool.

We were due to meet up last month -to discuss this. I read the ebook, which was a final reminder of how far I had come. I chose not to meet him even though it was really tempting to get dressed up and knock him dead -so-to-speak…

This doesnt work no matter how hot you are as it isnt just about looks to him its to see what hoops you will jump through and he wants some no strings bedtime fun -esp if he says ‘lets just be friends for now’….or ‘I have a spare room’ yeah…right…

When he sms’d me I didnt reply (if it was this bad now what would happen if we got intimate?) My choice was to avoid further risk and write a succint goodbye email explaining I would not be in contact again and the reasons why I didnt meet him (couldnt care what he thought as it gave me closure) and I send it. I wanted to leave things honest , calm and clear -good Karma -no matter what he had tried to do to me intentionally or otherwise -I am better than that and my ego didnt need him to validate me or pursue me further. (Isnt it great we are not all deluded by the weight of the ego?).

I deleted all my email accounts and changed my numbers. Trust me boys and girls -this is THE only way the NCR is fool proof -as it eliminates the obsessing as to why he/she has/hasnt called. -Take control and the pain will subside I promise.

I allowed myself three days to wallow, and then I picked myself off -my confidence came from making a CHOICE and putting myself first and making a healthy rational and REAL adult decision not based on the heart.

If you find it harder than me -seek counselling, the doctor -use whatever resources are necessary -just make a plan to change and heal. Its exciting to start the real process of meeting someone and it being healthy -Imost men are great, and not all of them are like this! But its also good to be on my own and find out more about myself (its a work in progress!) so its a win win situation.

Sometimes the doubt tries to kick in -its human nature; yet I know if we got back together I would have been miserable and in turn made him miserable (he needs to sort himself out in his own time). You cannot win with people like this -no matter how secure you are. I have learned a real precious lesson -trust your instincts -if you feel bad -you probably are in a bad situation. Its that simple.

Dont let drama and intensity be a substitute for real love.

Dont allow someone to get away with lying about something important to you -EVER -if someone can be so blase about something so important to you -there is your answer loud and clear.

Always judge someone on their ACTIONS not what they tell you. It will tell you everything you need to know.

Give yourself a timeframe and observe how they behave -give them a chance to prove to you how rubbish they really are.

Dont try to analyse them -let them screw it up themselves, dont put too much effort in if you suspect EU behaviour.

NCR -CHANGE your contact details -dont delude yourself -you cant be real friends with people like this.

Take responsibility for your life and take comfort that the best lessons are the most painful ones -it is why we are here -to learn. You will recover and in time feel grateful for the gift their behaviour has given you.

Peace

Good article as usual!! I will be honest with you, I am not scared to date men, but I dont want to!

I dont know, but I think I dont need a man…..Your articles and comments of readers are really helped me, finally I realised that I can live without my EUM….Its doesnt mean, that I lost hopes or something, I just dont have this need and desire to date anyone:-) My life far better and interesing without all these time-waisters!!!

any input?

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

My last backslide was in May. Then I went into a justifying period where I thought we could be friendly. About 10 days ago I realized I was lying to myself. I’ve had no contact since then and it’s permanent this time. I’m done making excuses - “oh I work with him, it’s too uncomfortable to be distant”, blah, blah, blah.

And I was just thinking the other day that sometimes thinking about no contact is just as bad as having contact. And NML hit it on the head - it’s its own form of obsession.

I know that my ex EUM is living his life and I am of no concern to him. I don’t care to know what he’s doing with it or who he’s doing it with. I will never be at a point where I can be friends with him. Fact of the matter is we were INCOMPATIBLE as a couple in a real relationship. All the laughter, sex, fun, etc…. doesn’t except the fact that he did not want to have a relationship with me. Why would I want to continue being friends with someone like that?

Right now I am not ready to start dating. I’ve been feeling pulled towards some of my typical unavailable men (I have 4 types of EUMs to whom I am attracted) and I am turning them away or turning myself away.

What I have learned/am learning is that I like myself very much and I like the people in my life that are my true friends. I even like my work colleagues that I wouldn’t consider “friends” but consider quality people. And I see that I am very happy living a life full of positive energy. There is no need for EUMs. I don’t care if I never kiss another man for the rest of my life, never mind sex. Hopefully it won’t come to that. But - if it was between celibacy and another EUM - I’d choose celibacy.

So, I’m going it alone for a little longer - no dating just yet. My goal is that by October 1 will put myself on an online dating site and start dating again - unafraid, with high self esteem and with a fresh new healthy perspective on dating, love and relationships. I’m leaving my old self and old patterns behind.

This site is great - always so timely. Good luck everyone!

I too am in my 40’s and have married twice - men who just didnt really like me that much. A perpetual pleaser - I am trying really hard to break myself of it. But, you know, there is much to be UNdone first. My dad never saw any of my children born. Never knew them until they were older.

I am so sorry you too have to deal with this stuff. My therapist (a while back) went so far as to call my dad psychotic - but he is my dad. Still trying to run my life but the way I look at it, when he’s gone - he’s gone and no matter what, I will miss the FIRST man of many that I tried to win over. It all has to be connected.

My mother was mean. I grew up being treated poorly. I don’t think I deserved it but I still don’t expect better. Low expectations and the belief that I have to do all the pleasing… that I have to prove myself… that I have to make sure the other person is happy and never dissatisfied or disappointed with me. Unrealistic isn’t it? Apparently I am nuts