Dealing With Jealousy
July 14, 2006 by Vixen
Jealousy is an ugly emotion. It’s an insidious emotion that first starts as a tightening in your belly, then progresses into something more….destructive. It’s one of the seven deadly sins—and for a good reason. Jealousy has been known to drive the nicest lady into a wicked shrew and the sanest guy into a stalking menace.
The key to dealing with jealousy is pretty simple. Kill it. It serves no purpose other than to make you miserable, angry, accusing, stalking, crazy and neurotic and ruin whatever good you have in your relationship.
You flying into a green eyed rage at the slightest provocation just signals that there are deeper problems in your relationship. It says that even though you are in a committed relationship, you don’t trust him. And what is commitment without trust? You should instead focus on identifying what the problems are instead of letting this jealousy flourish in your mind. There are many reasons that might cause jealousy and trust me, it has nothing to do with the fact that he smiled at the waitress. Examine the cause the treat appropriately.
- You don’t trust your man (or maybe men in general). In this case, you aren’t ready to be in a CMR anyway.
- You are insecure in your relationship. This is usually because you don’t know how he feels about you or where this relationship is going.
- Your relationship is still not as defined as you would like it.
- You are harbouring past pain from previous relationships where perhaps you were cheated on. Please, stop bringing old baggage into your new relationship. Just because your sucky ex cheated doesn’t mean every man you meet henceforth is a cheat. All men are not dogs.
- It’s a defence mechanism to ward off this boyfriend cheating on you like the last one did. You think that tracking him, reading his email, and snooping through his stuff will alert you in time to catch him before he cheats. However, this shows you don’t trust him.
You have to keep in mind that jealousy will not make your partner not cheat. But it might drive him to cheat. Being accused of cheating every day will eventually make him just want to commit the crime if he’s going to get punished for it on a constant basis.
Also bear in mind that, a guy isn’t cheating on you if you aren’t in a committed, monogamous relationship (CMR) with him. Meaning if you are his baby mama, friend with benefits, booty call, casual date or friend—he’s not yet your man. Until he states that he’s your boyfriend, thereby taking on all the full obligations that being in a committed relationship entails, he’s not yet ruled to be all yours. So why the premature jealousy?
Instead of harbouring that nasty emotion—focus on getting what you really want out of the relationship. Ask him what he thinks he is to you or what he wants out of a relationship. Ask him if he’s your boyfriend. If he hesitates, or flat out tells you he’s not–then state that you would like to be (if that is what you want). If he tells you that he’s not interested, or he would like things to stay the way they are, please, for the love of all things good, let it go! Don’t try to force your way into his life. Just chalk it up as his loss and find the guy who is right for you that wants to be in a CMR with you. Don’t bend over backwards, doing everything you can to change his mind. Accept what he says as his intentions—you can’t make him change his mind!!!
If you think that your boyfriend is cheating on you…then why the hell are you still with him? By all means, confront him about it. And if your intuition is telling you that something in his story isn’t adding up then listen to your gut and end it. Do not engage in any form of Cheater’s Purgatory whatsoever. That only makes the both of you miserable for an extended amount of time.
You deserve to be in a happily, secure, monogamous, loving relationship with a man that is faithful and loyal to you. Please, don’t accept anything less.
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I turned into a stalker on MySpace (which is why I cancelled my account). I not only stalked him, but the girl he was ’seeing’. I did not recognize myself anymore and I hated who I became. Jealousy is a bitch! And any woman who is resorting to these measures does not have the man she truly deserves. Good post!
MySpace does have the potential for stalking. I think alot of women do ’stalk’ on a lesser basis. After all, haven’t we all Googled a guy one time or another…?
It’s a good thing that you were able to recognize the problem and deal with it. Not being blind to our own faults is the first step towards becoming a better person I think.
You’ve done a good job of examining the reasons that underlie the problem of jealousy, rather than just looking at the symptoms. Thanks for the insight.
Thanks Andrew:) Always love positive feedback!
very interesting…I agre that i often get jelouse, but it isn’t that i don’t trust her, but I fear that something might happen to her when she goes drinking with some guy’s that are friends I instantly think they might “do” something to her. How can I deal with this emotion if it’s more based on fear rarther than trust?
How do you deal with jealousy if it has to do more with fear or trust?