I lived with an EUM for 12 years, during this period he brought my self esteem down to zero. In the end I dragged myself up and left him.

Seriously damaged, the door was wide open for Mr. Assclown. He told me repeatetly how wonderful I was, but never called me, never initiated contact, lied, cheated, never spend a weekend with me, didnt take my calls, dissappeared for a week or two and came up with another lie. I was with him for 3 years. In those 3 years I can count the amount of times he called me on one hand. (he is also an alcoholic)

After 3 years I finally had enough and left, as my self esteem was now even lower, I met the Narcissist. Now this is something else, as he is a real and fully blown one. After 6 months of him doing everything possible for me, including throwing himself in a puddle so I can walk on dry ground (honestly) I moved in with him and married him. I left after 4 weeks of marriage when he got abusive and tried to kill me.

I have hit rock bottom, but luckily I met some amazing people who managed to get me back on track. In the process of putting my life back together, I met my former Assclown boyfriend. And guess what, I tried to reel me in immediately and succeeded !!

He has now got himself a girlfriend and wants to keep me on the side. After our last “meeting” I suddenly realized what an amazing liar and cheat he is and that he would also make a shitty friend.
I have posted the break up letter to him today (can’t help it, needed to get a few things of my chest) and will apply the NCR.

By writing this post, I have realized how awful my history of the men in my life is. Awful, terrible.

I know I have to change my pattern and do a lot of work on myself and it will be hard work. But I have done the first step, realization !!!!

I have managed to sort my life out again from hitting rock bottom after my marriage. Why would I want to be with an Assclown after all this hard work ???

I am so glad I found this wonderful wbsite, it gave me a lot of answers and it helped me immensely in realizing I was on the way to allow the Assclown back into my life. And thanks to this site it won’t happen !!!

Best wishes to all of you
Alice

I do not recall loving my ex when with him. Now it’s like oh no I loved him what do I do now that I lost him… And Anusha you hit the nail on the head when you said you can’t think what you liked about him. I did the same! I started a list which consisted of affectionate, loved good music, liked to read, picked me up all the time and always always called. These are not characteristics of a “person.” Like funny… no he was not. A good listener… nope. Thoughtful… nope.

I see him now with his new woman and think 1) How does he just get a new woman (he’s really shy, not one of these guys who approaches women) and 2) I am goign through that freak out that he will be different. I try and remind myself that it’s unlikely but also different people do cause you to behave differently. I am aggressive, I can be very critical, I respond loudly to poor treatment… the next woman could be much more laid back, she could be a total doormat.

I do sit and wonder if he was not all that bad HOWEVER if when you are together you create a toxic situation then it’s not good for either of you. It’s so hard to say that, so hard to let them be with someone else, but you are saving yourself from that misery. Men tend to shy away from conflict, and dealing with emotions. While he has bailed on you, you feel hurt that he doesn’t want to put the effort in with you, this really is the best thing for you. He will similarly keep seeking a relationship that does not require a lot of emotional input.

The part about wanting to change things – maybe it’s that the grass looks greener on the other side cliche. You can’t see things for what they really are – you just have this image in your mind of what you think they’d be like if only you could change this or that.

Thanks so much for everyone’s response to my issue. You are all so caring. Whenever I read a response I feel like I’m getting a big hug. It’s really nice.

Another thing interesting that Kissie stated in her post is what are OUR needs? Like we are asking to much for just decent respect, to be valued etc. I was so accommodating to his moods and needs all the time, I started to lose myself. He got so bad at the end, I flat out told him I refused to tolerate him speaking to me with such meanness and disrespect and that if he valued me he would not speak to me like that. That is when he cut me off, ignored my texts, ignored my “apologies” for “upsetting” him, completely stopped loving me I guess. I was getting paranoid that I was being high maintenance and expecting too much out of him for him to be decent to me!!!! I never asked him for anything except to be treated kindly, the way I would expect he would want to treat me since he pursued me for 4 years. But NOOOOO! I was just a supplement to his life. I told him I was not “Supplemental Susie” and deserved more than that. He just got more aggravated the more I told him what I felt I deserved.The analysing and the poor behavior on his part, this article states it perfectly. I tried to make excuses in my mind for why he would do things. And still AM. Why he isn’t contacting me, why he glares/stares at me. Now after not speaking to him for 5 months, he glares at me, I feel, to intimidate me to believe I am the one with the problem. I have to see this assclown every day and that is why I haven’t fully recovered from this horrible time in my life. As with Anusha, I can’t stop wondering why he just stopped loving me without any problem? This man pursued me for 4 years saying that he loved me for 4 years, etc., verbalized his love for me till the day before he just stopped talking to me. Gee, I guess he woke up that morning and just stopped loving me. Well, I wish all us women could just do that too. When you love someone you love them 100% forever. I still love him and will until I take my last breath.

I am trying to figure out what type of mind game he is playing with me by staring, etc. Does he want me to feel that he misses me? Does he want me to feel like he still wants me? Is he staring because he can’t stand me? Is he staring because I am still his eye candy and he is happy with having just that and none of who I really am? I am at a loss in trying to understand this assclown and wish I had the ability to read his mind. He won’t talk to me to verbalize how he feels so I am just left in the dark – wondering….

You’re so right about boundaries. Guy I was interested in recently who took me out and then revealed at the end of the evening he still had feelings for someone else and was hoping to preserve the relationship but wants to be friends with me.

Naturally as I didn’t know I was stunned and felt foolish but decided to do the friends thing and think I’ve got the mindset down right.

He came around two nights ago to return some stuff I had lent him and he commented that I was not my normal effusive self. I have had a lot of study and financial things to consider as well as being blown off by him so was maybe more subdued than usual. I sat there thinking to myself ‘you did not reveal information that I would expect any other person to, made it plain you want to be friends and then act hurt when I’m not all over you – wtf?’

Anyway, after him having a coffee he got up to leave and went to hug and kiss me on the cheek and I held him off saying that I didn’t think it was proper for him to kiss me as he had unfinished business with his girlfriend overseas. He replied that he had lots of girls who were friends and he was a huggy kind of guy who even had male friends that he hugged. I said, “That may be and maybe I would be considered old fashioned but I could not be a party to hurting someone of my own sex and that perhaps if it was my birthday or Christmas a cheek kiss would be OK but not all the time.

I think this has thrown him for a loop that I will not do the platonic substitute girlfriend type thing and maybe it will get him to consider boundaries with his other women ‘friends’ but somehow I doubt it. At least I have laid my boundaries out for him.

He was by the door and said, “So I’ll see you….” and I answered “Whenever” and wished him good night.

I have been working very hard for two weeks to quell any of the “likey-like” feelings by saying to myself each time I find myself thinking of him in a romantic light ‘Get over it, he’s not interested – move on’ and it’s been very effective because I deserve better.

Perfect satisfaction will occur when I have someone worthy of me and I can say to this guy when he comes around, “by the way I’d like you to meet my bf xxxxxxxx.”

I am going through the same. I am also quite sure my EUM has moved on with someone else. I can try and suggest a few things.
1) Did you love him when with him? Or has this just come up with rejection? People who feel abandonned often idealize their partner, and remember them as better than they were.

2) I remember an old post from NML about remembering that you both may have seen the relationship differently. What you love about you, and therefore expect him to love, may not be the same. My ex told me I was demanding and stressful and that he needed a less strong woman. I want him to love me for the driven woman that I am… but it’s his issue that he has no modeling of a strong woman in his background, that he wants to be the success and in control,

It is good to love yourself and know what you like about you. I told my ex that i was this great catch and didn’t understand how he didn’t want me. I am a good catch, but it does not mean that I am a good catch for him. Remember someone not loving you does not mean you are not lovable, or that you are not worthy. There are many great people out there who are simply not for you either, that you would dislike. Have you not ever dumped someone? Can you look back at those guys and say there was something fundamentally wrong with them? I dumped plenty of men in my life MOST OFTEN because I was a mess, not because there was something wrong with them.

Love is mostly a feeling, you need to connect, there needs to be caring on both ends. He is not going to simply love you because you are there and have a list of great qualities. If he can’t “feel” or “connect” with you… love will not foster. I also read somethign recently about love being an action as well… you will not fall in love with someone unless you actively seek to love them. These guys tend to be more focussed on them and the game of keeping you, fending off their own insecurities, it’s very hard to fall for another person when you are so caught up in managing your fears and trying to protect yourself. We are normally doing the same, which is why these relationships fail. If both partners are so preoccupied making sure they are not getting hurt, they are not busy trying to take care of the other person and to love them.

So please try not to see this as him not loving you… he is not “loving” anything.