Deflecting the Stealth Bomber

February 6, 2006 by Vixen

Every woman is gifted with her intuition, Sixth Sense, a compass that has rarely steered you wrong. Actually, it probably has never steered you wrong, and it’s only when you don’t listen to your intuition that there are issues.

However, it has come to my attention that there is a rare breed of man, henceforth known as the Stealth Bomber. A stealth bomber is the guy that causes your inner radar to malfunction. Even though you sense that there is something not totally on the up and up with him, you really can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. This doesn’t mean that your intuition is broken, it just means that he has gotten really adept at hiding his most undesirable traits from the most experienced radar.

Take for example your Gaydar. Now, I do agree that some of us may be Gaydar-ically better equipped than others, however, there has been a couple of occasions where even the best equipped person was fooled by a gay man pretending to be straight. The reasons that he might do this are varied, for some, they don’t trust you enough to tell you, he hasn’t come out of the closet yet, or he’s just having an enormous enjoyment laughing at your expense. He is a stealth bomber and should be avoided for romantic liaisons at all costs…unless you want some Will & Grace drama.

This recently actually happened to a friend of mine. She had been talking to this guy, platonically for several weeks, and he never mentioned to her that he was gay. Eventually, she developed a crush on him and was really upset to find out that he had been playing her, *albeit in a whole new way* from the very start.

In the past few years, we have been able to tell just by the way a guy walks, talks or dresses where his orientation is. However, the stealth bomber has managed to cover all the normal red flags in ambiguity. Here are some examples of the shadows.

He looks at your bosom. For starters, even homosexual men love women’s breasts. There is something about the feminine shape that just has every single man, gay or straight enraptured. So this cannot be a good judge of whether or not a man is straight.
He is a good dresser. Once again, with the dawn of the well coiffed, well-dressed, manicured Metrosexual male, the waters have been muddied and you can’t really be sure which field he is batting from.
He keeps a clean bachelor pad. One by one, the stealth bomber is deflecting from us every single distinguishing facet that we have been able to quantify. Gay or straight, there can be neat/messy guys in every pool–so this isn’t a good judge.
He isn’t effeminate. Remember back in the day when this was a dead giveaway? Well not anymore. I’ve come across several homosexual males that don’t have one ounce of feminism noticeable. He is as macho and chauvinistic as the next Alpha male.

I’ve thought long and hard about this, and have come up with some surefire ways to deflect the stealth bomber.

Ask him outright. Look him straight in the eye and ask whether he’s gay. Most of the time we just naturally assume that he is straight, and it would save you alot of embarrassment just to ask. Straight guys will say a loud, emphatic no, as soon as the question is out of your mouth. No matter how homo-friendly a straight guy is, he doesn’t want to be considered gay. However, if he is gay, he might waffle, change the topic, answer you evasively or not at all.
Bring up the topic of previous relationships. Coax him into telling you the story of his ex, or of the last vacation he took with him/her. If he’s straight, he will use pronouns of she/her liberally through his description. If he is gay, he will use they, we, and proper nouns like My Ex. He might even slip up and say he/she.
Pay attention. Did he really enjoy Brokeback Mountain? Maybe a little too much? Is he a Madonna fan? Does he know the difference between eggshell and ecru paint? Does he realize that Ugg boots are “so last season?” Can he actually listen to you as you ramble on for several minutes about the cute outfit you saw at the mall without his eyes glazing over? Can he rhapsodize with you over who is hotter, Brad Pitt or George Clooney? Has he ever suggested a beauty product to you that works wonders?
Can you talk to him for HOURS about EVERYTHING under the sun? Everyone knows that there are a lot of limitations to what a straight guy will sit down and have a conversation with you without changing the topic, or shifting to his standby grunts that show you that you have totally lost him. If the guy in question is actually actively participating in an avid discussion on anything not related to sports, beer, sex or cars, then you should take this as another red flag.
Confer with your girlfriends/gay pals. If one of them suspects that he might be gay, then you should take this into consideration. Remember, a gay guy friend is your best ally in sniffing out a stealth bomber. If your friend flirts with the guy in question, if he is straight he will run away in the other direction as if the hounds of hell are on his tail. If he’s straight, he won’t sit there and still continue conversing with your male friend that is hitting on him.

I’m sorry that the list is so short, but hopefully, this will give you some more ideas in dealing with this new breed of gentleman. Listen to your intuition, consider it your compass and save yourself a lot of embarassment.

Vixen is Deputy Editor for Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog Bad Girls Guide