This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response, I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here:
1. Have your escape route planned. If you have any sense of self worth planned, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.
Recently added article – Breaking up and getting over married men
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And so the heartache begins. My mm told me last night that he is having to change his job which means i would see him less than i do now. I’ve told him that as much as i understand that he has to leave i have to end this. I feel like my heart is being ripped out but i know i have to be strong and stick to my word. If i carry on seeing him it will destroy me more than what it is now. I will be lucky to see him once a week if at all. Surely i’m worth more than that?
Thanks to you all for letting me vent my feelings.
Laura,
Yes you are worth more than that.
Did you know he was planning to change his job????
If you didn’t, then that should give you a clue as to how much consideration he has for you???
Take Care
VOR
I knew he was having trouble, his boss has been treating him quite bad. I just thought it would pass but his boss won’t let up. When he’s with me he sometimes cries at the way he has been treated so i can understand why he wants to leave, but i still cant be that woman that waits for his texts or gets a stolen hour here and there. I think its really selfish of him to expect me to. He tells me he,ll make time for me but it’s not enough. I’m sticking to my guns. I will not be that woman
I try to put myself in her shoes. He even asked me if I was his woman, how would I react to this situation. I was honest and told him if you came to me and told me that you felt strong feelings and closeness for another woman, I think that I would have to let you go so you can explore those feelings. If you are able to have feelings like that for her, it must be a reason. But I can’t just sit around and wonder how far it might go. In order to be fair to me and to you, I think you need to do this alone. And then he said but what if I told you that I wasn’t going to let it go that far and you have my word on that. I would still tell you that you need to be alone to do this so that you know for sure what it is you are feeling. If you hold back because of me, you’ll never know if she is suppose to be in your life or not. If our love is as strong as we think, it’ll be fine. But I don’t feel comfortable no matter how much I trust you. You don’t even know why you feel like this, so you can’t say for sure what will happen. And I can’t be selfish to hold you back from what might be your destiny. THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS HER. But I think she really doesn’t understand the seriousness of our relationship, or else she would probably put preasure on him to leave me alone for the sake of their relationship.
Last night he told me he loves me. It wasn’t all romantic, and I think he meant he loves me the way your best friend would tell you they love you. But I’m not for sure. He won’t tell me anything that would seem inapropriate. He even jokingly said he has to stop kissing me. I told him he can’t go backwards and that he has spoiled me and it’s his fault. I told him he can’t do that to me, he’s teasing me enough, now you are trying to take back what little physical contact I can recieve. I don’t think so. I’m not having it. So we laughed and joked, and I told him good luck with that. We talked until 3:45am. We talk every night, all night. I guess I don’t get too lonely because although he isn’t in my pressence, I am still with him.
Waig9e,
Your situation seems very passive to me, and unless something major happens, I can’t really see anything changing in your favour.
Also whilst I respect what you say you would do in her shoes, I think your are in the minority. I don’t know many people that would let their partners have that kind of closeness with another person, let alone say go and explore the feelings it may be your destiny(just don’t see it). Maybe your guy needs to have a little bit more backbone and be honest with his g/f if she doesn’t know the extent of the his feelings for you. I’m also not quite sure if it’s a relationship you guys have. Seems to be more like friends with benefits to me. Difficult to gauge on here sometimes
Take Care
The way i see it is this. If your completely happy and content in your relationship/marriage you don’t look for anyone else because that person gives you everything you need. Thats how i define a relationship. As soon as i looked else where that’s when i would no that person was not fulfilling my needs and wants, therefore its time to move on. It sounds to me as if this guy is having his cake and eating it and his wife is encouraging this rediculous behaviour.
My mm told me he might have to change his job which meant i would see him less than i do now. I was completely straight and honest with him and told him i would not be seeing him if that was to happen..he’s not leaving his job instead he,s going to confront his boss. He had no clue that i was thinking that because he’s selfish and wrapped up in his own needs, he didn’t think i would have a problem with it! The moral of the story is be completely honest about your feelings and set some ground rules. WE ARE IN THIS TOO IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT THEM X
Thanx for letting me vent x
Hello, I have been reading your posts and I have to say I have been in your shoes. I met my MM when I was married as well and he was my boss. He was 25 years older than me. His older daughter was 1 year older than me. I was 27 when we met. 6 months into it my husband found out about it and my MM advice me to divorce so as not to give my husband reason to cause trouble. I don’t regret that at all, my marriage was disintegrating anyway. He told me that he would not leave his wife, because of what his 2 grown kids might think of him and because of all the material possessions he might lose in a divorce. I cried many times because of it, always waiting for him to call so we could do things after work. 3 years into it another girl at work accused MM of having an affair with her. He told me many times that she wanted him and that he was always trying to put her down easy so that she would not make trouble for us. I believed him. However, the company had a 0 tolerance policy on sexual harassment and felt that there was too much there for them to put up with and they fired MM. He was crushed. He had been in a very important position at that company for 30 years and all of a sudden, he was fired. The human resource guy and the security guard waited for him to empty his desk and escorted him to the door. He wanted to sue the company, but he felt that our relationship might come out. Imagine how hard it must have been for him to go home and tell his family what happened. He never did get another job. His wife owned a business so he got more involved in that. After 4 years I decided to go out more. I met another guy and he was single so I started to date him. I wasn’t that much into him so I was always set up our dates after my MM had to go home. MM found out about and started to cry and beg for me to dump the other guy. He asked me to give him 6 more months. I dumped the other guy and the 6 months came and went, then another 1 year, by that time we were “together” 5 1/2 years and one day out of the blue, I felt an urgency to go out one evening at a place I knew, somehow it was like someone was calling me there. I met someone that I knew, from that moment that was special. I gave him my number. I told myself that night that I was going to break up with my MM that very day so that I can give the new guy a fare chance as well as give myself a chance to have a normal relationship. I told MM that I had met this guy and that I wanted to date him. He did the crying again, but I told him 5 1/2 years were enough for him to know whether or not he wanted to be with me full time. He said he could not make any promises, so I told him we were over. Ladies, it’s hard to explain how I felt except to say it was easier that I thought. I started to date the other guy, we have been together 2 years now and we are engaged to be married this fall. My relationship with my MM thought me a lot about what I don’t want in a man anymore and in my life anymore. I don’t want to lie to the world, to be lied to and to cry anymore. I had gotten another job and it seems as my entire karma has changed for the better. My career is better that ever, I am making more money that I ever have, my fiancé has a good job, we travel internationally a few times each year and I do believe a lot of it has to do with being able to walk with your head held high, being able so socialize without having to pretend you are somehow single and just being overall stronger for experiencing it and getting out of it. I wish you all the best, but as my mother used to say to me, you can’t find Mr. Right until you drop Mr. Wrong. My best advise, don’t spend too much time in these relationships, you can never get this time back. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and think you spent your life waiting for his 1 hour here; one hour there and then all of a sudden you are old and undesirable to anyone anymore (maybe not even to him). If he is older than you and you spend a long time with him (10 – 20 years) and if something happens to him, you can’t even go to his funeral as part of the family, allowing yourself to grief in public. You will also not be even mentioned in his will. Everyone, even his cousin twice removed will be, but you will not. I told my MM one time that I felt like I was his dirty little secret. NEVER AGAIN!
Hi MMismyBoss,
I have been away for a week and a bit.
I’m sorry that you didn’t get the job you were after … I hope that something good comes your way soon.
Hope all are well & holding up well.
Gia xx
I don’t know where i am anymore. I don’t know whether i love this man or whether it’s just bad habit i really can’t quit. I don’t want him to leave his w and i never have and never will. I mean do i really want to be with a man who lies and cheats day in day out? I went through a period where i thought i wanted to be with him but the more i thought about it the more i realised if i was with him full time could i really trust him? The answer is no. So why am i continuing with this? Everytime i end it he bombards me with texts declaring his undying love and of course i take him back and begin the torture cycle once more. Where does it end? i have no-one to blame but myself. I knew he was married when i met him and i’m paying for my mistake and then some.
Hope everyone’s well. Thanks for letting me vent. Once again x
Laura,
You know what you have to do. And you will do it one day no matter what he says, and no matter how hurt you’ll be. One day you will get tired of getting walked on like a door mat. One day you will realize that you are worth more and not second best. And once you realize this, someone else will come and you will be able to let them in. Because right now you aren’t even open to let someone else in. No matter what remember that you have to ask yourself what are your intentions with him? What is his intentions with you? What do you want from him and are you happy with what you are getting? If not, then do what you’ve got to do. Change your cell phone number, the house number. Don’t answer the door if he comes by. You have to completely be unavailable to him. You have to keep telling yourself you are worth more and believe it. And believe this: You only have one life. And no matter how hard it is, it will pass. You are going THROUGH something, meaning there is another side. You will go THROUGH this and come out on another side. Eventually a happier side. A healthier side. You go THROUGH life and learn from your experiences. Look at this experience as a learning experience. Was is always a good one? Or were you in pain more often than pleasure? I believe you will get tired of him and all the bullshit he brings to your life and have the courage and strength to completely leave him alone. Good Luck! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Laura, my MM used to do the same every time I was moving on he was always trying to bring me back thru manipulation. He would tell how much he loved me blah blah; he would cry and tell me stories of his father being a drunk when he was little. He would do anything to make me feel sorry for him, to love him to keep it going. I do believe the addiction is on both sides. He is also addicted to the affair, to the lies, to the drama, to the incredible hot sex with you, to that high he must be feeling too. Some guys need this duality in their lives. You are going to end it; it’s only a matter of time. Just think of yourself. When is the last time you felt truly happy? You are always in a state of depression ranging from mild (when he is with you) to severe (when he is away). An affair is like a drug, high in the beginning, but then more and more depressing, putting up with anything just for your next hit. That gives you a slight euphoria then your mood swings down. Take the band aid approach. One pull, it hurts like hell, and then it’s over. If he really loved you, no sacrifice would be too great, right?
well. i’m posting here because i guess like many others here i feel like i can’t talk to any of my friends about this. and i am just so sad.
i feel like the most stupid woman on the planet. why i got involved with a married man is beyond me. for anyone who is reading this site thinking about getting involved with one, like it might be fun for awhile or exciting, or maybe just to try it once and not see him again… believe me, it doesn’t work. i told myself those things too.
i never thought about being involved with someone married. i was on a ‘dating’ website. i’d been contacted by married guys before on there, and i either ignored them or told them to buzz off. i wasn’t the least bit interested. then ONE TIME, i got a message from a married guy, and out of curiousity i asked “why do you do this?” we chatted for awhile… and that was it. he’s smart and handsome and funny and sexy and i fell for him almost instantly.
i’m not sure if i fell in love with him right off the bat or what… that was over a year ago, and i’m still trying to tell myself i don’t love him.
i’ve never told him i love him. i don’t want to, he doesn’t say it to me… but i have told him i’d probably fall in love if we kept it up. sometimes i think he’s waiting for me to say it, but he really doesn’t say anything sweet or romantic to me very often, so i hold back.
but i didn’t hold back telling him how i felt when he pissed me off. i figured what the hell, i have nothing to lose? and i think i did it on purpose to push him away. i’m terrified of being involved with him long-term. he’s a good man and has two kids that he loves more than anything. but of course i get nothing. he’s not affectionate, even in text messages and emails and stuff. it’s not like he’s showering me with gifts or getaways or anything like that, and i wouldn’t really want him to because then i’d be hooked for sure.
so it’s all just been about passionate sex. we’ve only gotten together about 8-10 times in the last 15 months, but we’ve fought about 400 times. it’s weird. he says it’s not just sex, there’s something more than that between us. i long to hear him tell me he wants to be with me and he loves me… but i would never trust him in a regular relationship. he doesn’t want just me. he wants extracurricular activity that he doesn’t get in his marriage, and i know even if he was with me… he’d still want that. that’s not what i want.
we haven’t been together in awhile, and were supposedly trying to be “just friends” for now. that was my choice. i get completely low after he leaves and try to end it… but then i don’t want to NOT talk to him at all. so i asked him to try being friends. and today i blew it.
yesterday we had this chat where he said something really sweet … he told me he does have romantic feelings about me (not just sex). when i asked what he meant by romantic, he said he’d just like to be able to spend a whole day with me and not be rushed. then later in the chat, when i ask if his feelings have changed about extramarital activity since we stopped seeing each other, he says absolutely not and he wants to try to find a stripper to fulfill his needs for ‘occasional steamy times’.
so basically i could be replaced by a stripper. (sorry to any strippers out there.) anyway… i left it yesterday… but then i flipped later on. i just wanted to hear him say something nice, you know? so i sent him a bunch of texts and tried to ask him how he felt about me and don’t I LOOK NICE FOR YOU when you show up and i’ve picked out some hot lingerie? aren’t i enough for you??
anyway… today he was all pissed off because i sent him these texts while he was at home with his kids. he told me it’s tearing him apart. and now … it’s just over. he’s totally pulled away and i know it… and even though i know it’s for the best… it’s breaking me apart too. but i know i pushed him too far… and now i blew it for good. even though there was nothing to blow in the first place!!!
does that make any sense?? no. it doesn’t. it’s ridiculous. it’s the worst feeling in the world. i hope it subsides some by morning… thanks for this site and i’m sorry to rant so long… it’s just been so long since i’ve talked to anyone about this, i have one friend who i told about it, but she lives in another city…
and, you know, even a sympathetic understanding friend will only listen to this crap for so long. (like 10 minutes?) before they’re telling you to wise up. i would if someone would tell me how.
good night.
Mis,
I suppose thats the thing about friends, they try to be understanding, but when it’s a longer term thing, they can get a bit frazzled with it all and think the best thing is to say, come on get on with it, pull yourself together. To a degree they’re right of course….
Whilst I can understand your reaction to being considered about as important as a stripper. You couldn’t of thought he’d be cool about you texting him at home. By doing that you’re directly threatening his family lidfe.
I know this may sound obvious, but i think basically by finding out what you are to him, it’s hurt your feelings. You’re a stop gap for when he’s up for it and his wife don’t wanna know.
Either way, there’s nothing meaningful in this for you. he sounds very selfish and not very considerate of how you feel, maybe if you have pushed him too far, it’s going to be a good thing in you trying to move on.
Take Care
WALG9E
KARINA
Thank you for your kind words. I think you both are absolutely right. This is coming to and end. There are more bad times now than there are good. I’m putting my life on hold for a man who is giving me crumbs of his time and attention. I really think he thinks i’m going to be waiting here forever. He probably needs me more than i need him. He’s told me i am his rock well i’m getting a little fed up of being someones leaning post. I know it will be the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Thank-you again for your words of wisdom. I’ll keep you posted. Take care x
Miserable,
I can really sympathize with you. I think I have had all of those same thoughts at one time or another. It’s really hard to accept that the one thing I think they were/are after is the sex. It may seem like the most passionate sex ever but after they shower/leave it feels like we’re just the prostitute. I think by us allowing them to do this over and over it gives them the sense that it is ok with us. Then when we argue or push them, they immediately pull back. It is not an emotional relationship to them. If it were, their conscience would bother them about how they are treating us and also their w.
I think it becomes something of an addiction to us. We think we love and want them but is it because we can’t have them on a full time basis. Honestly, we probably have all seen glimpses of their personality that we would not care for if they were our permanent boyfriend.
I don’t know. I have asked myself so many questions over the last 3 years and still don’t have the answers. You’re right about the girlfriend thing. In the beginning, my friends were all completely supportive and telling me that he was taking advantage, etc. etc. But now, I can’t even mention that I’ve had contact with him or they would just roll their eyes at me. That’s how pathetic it is.
Hang in there
I think most MM’s are very good at manipulation, whether it’s deliberate or not. My MM tells me he won’t share me with anyone else, cos I’m too ‘important’ to him. Him saying this makes me think that I can’t even look for anyone else, cos as soon as I do it’s gonna be over.
Take Care
I don’t know how to start telling my story.
I just don’t know why I can’t let go of him.
HB,
Just talk it through, thats what we’re here for
Take Care
hey robin, thanks. i appreciate the reply and knowing i’m not alone. not sure i want to hang in there. it’s too freakin’ hard. but i wish you and all the ladies out there the best. we all deserve more…
(not as miserable today)
I am seriously considering being with him fulltime. The thing is: if he really does leave his wife (and child) and moves in with me and it doesn’t work out (I like having my own space, not sure if/how I could cope with him being around me 24/7) he will be left with nothing. I’m not sure I want him to take that risk. Does this make sense to anyone??
I do miss him terribly when he is gone (we see each other about 3 times a week, he comes to my place) and I think we’re both ready for that next step but it’s going to be so much drama with the wife and the divorce etc.
Me ending it with him is not an option, BECAUSE I have started realising that he might be the one… And you should not let go of the one when you finally find him… Right??
Kim,
It makes perfect sense, it’s a huge leap to make, especially if you are very independent. If you both think you belong together, maybe it is worth taking the risk, I suppose it comes down to how well you think you know him, all his habits and things that might get on your nerves etc etc.
Good Luck
VOR – thanks.
It’s obviously not going to happen overnight, but I’m glad that you say it’s worth taking the risk. (It’s good to hear someone elses opinion on this, since I don’t talk about this subject to my friends, same as I guess most of you).
I feel sad about his wife (I don’t want to be the one to break up a family and ‘steal’ someone else’s man), but I see it like this: their relationship obviously isn’t working so I’m actually doing her a favour because she is living an illusion (thinking their marriage is ok) because once they’re divorced she will be able to find someone that really is right for her.
VOR – as for the habits etc, that is why I suggested to him that we should at least go on holiday or something similar first before making that huge decision of him moving in with me (and leaving her), because that’s when you can really get to know someone. But there is no way for us to do that without her finding out (he doesn’t have business trips, and even if he did she would find out because she knows his work people etc).
So unfortunately that’s not an option.
We don’t know each other in the ‘living together’ way… The guy hasn’t even seen me without make up yet… :s
Kim, I don’t think he is “the one”. We, humans, have created this notion, but I remember one of my sociology classes in college, that said that basically every one of us is compatible with 267 other people. Imagine that, any one of these 267 people would make us happy. That is why people still find other people when they break up or divorce. Don’t settle for a whole lot less than you deserve thinking it’s the only option you have. Get out and you will do better. I have. Being with a MM is depressing. It will twist your mind to the point of not believing in your value and your worth anymore. When I was with my MM, I would get hit on by some many men, but I felt that I had to be faithful to MM. Think about it, being faithful to a (known) cheater. Get out, you life will be better because of it.
KIM
I’m like you. I like my own independence, i like the fact i don’t have to answer to anyone/compramise etc.etc. The thought of him living with me scares the crap out of me but what i would like is for him to have his own place,his independence etc. just to see how it goes. Remember we only get the good side of them. We don’t get the moody/messy/annoying habits etc etc side. It’s a really big gamble but if you think it’s worth the risk then go for it. Go on your gut instinct and you can’t go wrong.
GOOD LUCK.X
hey ive just become the other woman! for months a guy had been chasing me and due to the fact he had a girlfriend and a reputation plus a child!i was basically saying get lost on a weekly basis! a drunk new year meant a drunk kiss for me and him i was still not interested after that but he was we ended up fallin out for two and a half months and bearing in mind we work together things were awkward- we eventually explained our own sides of things and ended up kissing again in our staffroom and thats when it started i was lonely he convinced me that he really likes me and he wont play me one and a half weeks later he’s finishin early from work to see me and have sex comin back with me after work for an hour for sex and then gettin back home! and at first i had the power he was soo into me and i was playin it cool then all of a sudden boom i fell head over heels now i’m jelous and worried i’m not the only other woman he’s said i love u and i have to because i truly do but it scares me to think just maybe every word he utters to me is a lie he reckons things havent been right for a long time but i dunno and ive gone a bit nutty and i dont wanna share him and have to wait for any text or phone call he has 2 minutes to send my way but whats the alternative lonely and miserable the man i love is gone completely i’m stuck and i hate it why i let it get this far i dunno! if any1 can help me out with info and advice i’d really appreciate it x x x x
BNOW
You must ask yourself if all your worth is a crappy 2mins of his precious time. That answer is no. Your worth so much more. You have to realise this before you get in any deeper. Yes you will feel like shit for a while if you end it but you will get over it.What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. He doesn’t deserve you. YOU’RE WORTH SO MUCH MORE x
TAKE CARE KEEP ME POSTED X
And just to add. i’ve been with my mm for a year and if i knew i would feel like this now i would have bailed. None of us deserve this but the deeper and longer you continue the harder it is to get out of. Take it from me x
My friend told me that he can’t entertain the thought of having a future with me because he has a woman. And that our relationship has to naturally unfold without the influence of him wanting it to be more. I understand where he is coming from. I just want him to say, ” I want you in my life forever.” But instead I get,”You mean a lot to me. You make me happy and give me joy and I thought I did the same for you, but I guess you are feeling more pain.” He told me that our timing is off just a bit, and he can’t tell me that he wants it to be on time. He told me that because I have entertained the thought of us being together, and realizing that we can’t, it causes pain and dissapointment. I told him that I can handle not having all of him now. That isn’t what is making me hurt. It’s the fact that he can’t tell me that he wants me as his woman in his life in the future. He can’t give me some reassurance that one day it will happen. And that he doesn’t even think about it. That is what hurts. I understand that he wants it to happen naturally so that it will be honest and true and not altered by emotions and driven by the will for it to happen. I get that and in a sense I appreciate it because if one day he does tell me he wants me in his life as his woman, it will be because he has grown to be in love with and it was because it naturally happened as opposed to influenced to happen or willed to happen. It’s some what sweet but it also hurts.
He said that if I did find someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved, and his relationship failed, he would tell me and not expect anything to unfold. He wouldn’t expect me to leave my man for him. But as for right now, we aren’t at the same time and same place for it to happen. Basically he hasn’t felt like he wants to leave his woman. His love for me hasn’t gotten to that point where he needs to make a decision. And he doesn’t know if it will because he isn’t even entertaining that thought. That’s what is so sad about the situation. He wants me in his life, just as it is, he doesn’t want me not in his life and if I were to decide not to be in his life, he would hurt and be sad, but would respect my decision and hope that our bond is strong enough to last throughout time so that if and when we reunite, we will pick up where we left off. And it would seem as though we just talked the day before even though it might have been years in between. So my question to you all is, what am I to do? How can I continue being in his life the way I am and not continue to develop feelings? How can I draw the line when I have already crossed it? My spirits are very low now because the hope I once had is gone. I don’t know what to do. I asked him and then his phone lost it’s signal because he was walking into the basement at his job. Any suggestions?
Walg9e
Sorry, but the guy sounds like an idiot, Just seems to me like he is keeping his options open, How selfish is it to think that you can leave a guy for him, but you’re not ‘right on time’ for him to be able to do the same.
I think you’re wasting your time. The guy doesn’t seem to want to take things anywhere with you. maybe as you say it will happen that way eventually, but to be honest unless you give him some kind of ultimatum, then he has no reason to change, does he???
Take care
hey voice of reason, thanks for your reply to my post. i missed it yesterday, i only saw robin’s. you are right, i know i don’t mean much to him.
he can be sweet sometimes and in some ways he has been very patient putting up with me getting pissed at him. i knew i was being a bit of a brat by texting him at home. but yes, he is selfish and i know i’d be better off out of it.
anyway… i came across this yesterday, an excerpt from a longer article. i’m posting the link, and the portion that was written for the “other” person in the affair. for anyone who’s looking for a way out, i thought this had some good advice. i know whenever i just try to cut it off, i end up feeling like shit. but maybe this is a good way to get out gradually.
one more thing, for BNOW up there… go back and read my original post a few days ago. believe me, don’t get in deeper, stop now. trust me.
good luck, ladies.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/affairs.htm
So what can you do if you’re having an affair with a married lover and you know the situation is hopeless, but you still haven’t the strength to break away?
My best suggestion is that you ask yourself this question: ‘Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it?’
Think about it before making your decision. The chances are that at this stage you will answer ‘yes’.
However, something interesting will happen after you ask yourself this question. For the first time, maybe for years, you will have put yourself in control of the situation. You will be able to say that you have chosen to be in the relationship – for now. And that’s very significant.
You see, often in these situations we say that we’re powerless to deal with them. We claim that we’ve been swept away and that everything is beyond our control. But this isn’t the case for you. You’ve asked yourself if you want to be in the relationship more than you want to be without it and you have said ‘yes’. You’ve made a decision. You’ve taken control.
Interestingly, now you have taken responsibility for the affair, you may feel you can start to take control in other ways. Maybe you’ll stop hanging around all the time, just in case your lover happens by. Maybe you’ll choose to see more of your friends. Maybe you’ll start questioning whether you’re being properly appreciated in this relationship and whether or not you deserve something rather better.
Just see where your thoughts take you.
Then, one month after you first asked yourself the question about whether or not you still want to be in the relationship, you should ask it of yourself again. And carry on doing this every month, without fail.
My experience is that once people take responsibility for the predicament that they’re in, they start looking at it more carefully and they often realise that they don’t like what they see. And one day when they ask the question, they are able to say: ‘No. I don’t want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it.’ And then they can move on.
Last night I told him that I finally got it, and that everything boils down to this: You have a woman.” And that he is not willing to put his relationship on the line because of his feelings for me. If his relationship is to end, he wants it to naturally unfold because of other things. I told him he wants his cake and eat it too. I told him he was afraid of the unknown. He doesn’t want to end it and then we don’t work out. I told him that I have complete faith that we will not fail. I told him that I understood he is scared and the safe way to go is to let it unfold naturally. That’s very safe so that you won’t be the bad guy. I continued to say that you have hurt me. No matter what you say, how you try to sugar coat it, you have. And you are continuing to. I went on and on checking him on the ridiculous things he has told me and he couldn’t do anything but agree. I told him that we are from now on only friends, not ridiculous friends and lovers. For now on there will be no more I miss you, no more I was thinking about you, no more I wish I could see you, no more anything that is romantic or sexual. Strictly friends. I went on to say that I can no longer just be myself, I have to withhold from you now, I have to watch what I say and I wish you would do the same. I don’t want to hear anything romantic, or sexual. I told him, I don’t know how our conversations can be of any interest once those factors are out of it. They will be sort of dull.
Then I went on telling him that I am willing to accept the way things are now if I had some sort of reassurance that he is at least leaning towards us. Give me something. And when he told me he can’t entertain that thought, that just let me know that he doesn’t even want to think about leaving his woman. So what am I here for? He told me that I really mean a lot to him. And how I bring happiness and joy to him. And he wants me in his life. He said that if you ask the question DOES he see himself with me in the future, he can’t entertain that thought because that is insinuating that that is going to happen. BUT if you ask CAN he see himself with me, then the answer would be of course. He CAN see himself with me. I told him that he is sending me mixed signals. He tells me that he can’t entertain the thought of him and I being together, but then he tells me that it would be best to let his relationship naturally unfold as if it is going to do that sometime soon and I should be a little more patient and wait. So I told him I know you think it would be unfair for you to ask me to wait until it naturally unfolds, but this whole situation is unfair. So if you want me to wait you need to ask me. I told him that I have met someone and it wouldn’t be fair to him if I am still waiting on you. Now what if you tell me your relationship is over? What if this man falls in love with me or really likes me? How is it fair to him? You are who I want, and if I’m not in love with him, I’ll leave him for you. So now I can’t even really get involved with someone else because I’ll be subliminally waiting for you. Then he said I should be honest with him and let him know what my situation is. I said you sound real stupid! What man is going to want to put his time and energy and feelings into someone who is waiting for someone else? I would feel real guilty hurting someones feelings. So now I have to make a decision as to whether I should get to know him and risk not having you because I feel that if I don’t keep talking to you and being active in your life, you’ll think that I have moved on and then you won’t leave her.
Anyway, we went on and on and his phone beeped because the battery was getting low and we only have 10-15 minutes left to talk. I told him he’d better tell me something before the phone cuts off. He then told me that he really cares for me and I mean a lot to him and then he asked if I could wait to see if his relationship will naturally unfold? I told him I will think about it. I told him I am the one having to make decisions, I have to be the one to suffer. He tried to reassure me that I won’t have to make the decision on my own. Then the phone went dead. I thought about things and then I called and left him a message saying that I would be willing to wait IF he tells me whether or not his relationship is stronger, the same, or weaker than it was before we met. Because by answering that question, I will know which direction your relationship is going, and that will be the reassurance I need. He hasn’t called me today. He usually will call on his way to work, or before work, or at work by now, but he hasn’t.
In the meantime, I went to see the gentleman I was talking about before, and he is very attractive to me and I feel a sexual attraction. He wants a relationship, and believes communication is the best way to keep a relationship. I can see myself getting to know him. I should get to know him. I just don’t want to start something that I can’t follow through with because of you know who. I know I should go on and forget about him. If he chooses to allow me to stray away, that’s his lost. BUT I know in my heart that he is my soulmate. The true one I should be with. But If he can’t make a decision, then I need to move on. I’ll just take it slow with this gentleman and tell him I can’t rush into anything. That’s a good way to not tell him about my situation, but also to let him know to hold back his feelings and expectations.
I don’t know why he hasn’t called me. Is he trying to give us some space so he can think clearly? Is he trying to save his relationship and pushing me away? Am I just freaking out? Maybe he was too busy earlier today? I’m sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent.
I have seriously been thinking about my situation recently and asking myself the same questions. Here are my answers. I don’t want him to leave his w. I no longer want to put my life on hold for a man who quite frankly doesn’t know how good he has got it. There are now more bad times than there are good. So the last remaining question that goes unanswered is why am i still with him? is it love, addiction, habit. Coz they’re like a drug, you may not know it at the time but once you have first hit you’re well and truly hooked x
I’ve got a question for all of you. Does your mm know about this site and the things we talk about?
WALG9e
To be perfectly honest with you i think this guy has not contacted you on purpose because he thinks by rejecting you, you will be putty in his hands by the time he finally contacts you. Does that make sense? i know this because my mm done it to me. He admitted he done solely for that purpose and it worked i was going out of my mind trying to get him to contact me. I’m glad you were honest with him and by the look of things he has taken you seriously. I know how hard it is but you’ve taken the first steps to freeing yourself from him. Ask yourself, are you really prepared to wait months,years decades even for this man. I think your worth a whole lot more than that. Stick to your guns, go out with this other guy, just take it easy and see where it goes.
I hope i was a little help to you.
TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK X
thanks Laura! He called me about 30 min. ago from work with this whole new attitude about it not being fair for me to wait on him. I guess he thought about his selfish act last night and contemplated to himself and realized that he knows his relationship is fine and he’s not going anywhere no time soon. I asked him was it the same, better, or worse than before I came into his life. He told me it was the same. So that told me not to wait. He is full of shit!!!!
He contradicts himself and tries to “Be fair” to everyone involved. But who is the one getting hurt? Who is the one who’s going to suffer? ME!!!
He should have never explored his feelings knowing he was taken!!! Now I am mad as hell. Because all this shit could have been avoided if he would have backed off from the beginning. But that is a man for you. They don’t think what they are doing is wrong. They always find a way to make it seem ok. I have to erase his # from my phone because I will constantly want to call him at night when I can’t sleep. That will be one of the hardest things to do. He can call me, but I won’t call him.
I asked him a few nights ago if he has someone who he considered the one he let get away. He told me yes. I asked looking back now, would he change his decision so he could have been with her? That day he said yes. Today it was a totally different story. I tell you. He is full of it! Fuck him. I’m out. I deserve better. I’d rather be alone than getting the short end of the stick. Hell we ain’t even fucking! What the hell am trippin for? I’ll find someone who will make me happy. If it’s not this guy who I just met, it’ll be someone. I have faith.
walg9e…
Remember, if not him, someone better.
I assure you there is someone better for you.
He’s talking to his wife this week. I don’t know what he’s saying. He’s talking about their relationship, to see where they can go with it. I have to stay out of it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to stay silent, not contacting him. I have to leave him and his wife to try and sort things out, but it’s so hard not knowing what’s going on, and not being able to give him any support. The best thing for him and his family would be for them to reconcile, but that’s not the best for me….that’s what’s so painful. Knowing that my desires are the least important thing in all this.
Laura: no my mm doesn’t know about this site. He does know that I have told some friends about him (and how they feel, which is a lot of disapporoval).
I’m like you, I love my independence and wouldn’t want to give up all the space that I have now. But at the same time it’s really starting to get to me that he is with her so much. Next month, they are going to go on holiday together, 2 week to this really nice all-inclusive resort at the beach. It annoys me that I can NEVER do anything like that with him.
Sorry if I am repeating myself. I guess we’re all pretty much in the same situation.
When you say that you don’t know what it is exactly that you feel (love, addiction, etc), I agree. I’m not sure either. I do love him, and I have never felt this good with anyone (I’m 29 and divorced) but I also think that sexual attraction has a lot to do with it and MAYBE it’s also that we just naturally want what we can’t have???
Am going to stop stressing about it so much for the next month or so (I have a deadline that I need to focus on) and after that I will make a decision. Either to really fully ‘go for it’ (if he would still want to and is not just saying it), or end it. Because one thing is for sure, it can not go on like THIS.
(sorry – spelling sucks, typing too fast)
Rosebud: I wish you a lot of strength. You are very strong, and you will get through this no matter what the outcome of his talks with the w.
KIM
That must be torture for you. I dread the day he comes and tells me he’s going on holiday with her. I’ve never been away one night with him. Want to hear something crazy? We’ve been seeing each other for a year and he’s never once saw me eat anything it’s madness!.
i’ve never had such a good physical relationship before. That what going to be hard about letting go, we’ve got such a connection that way but i have to ask myself if that is going to be enough. I really don’t think so, theres more to a relatonship than sex. Just wish we could do normal things together but it’s never going to happen, so theres no point wishing.
You should try and focus on your work as much as possible. Do anything you can to distract you for the next two weeks. Fill up your days as much as possible. If you don’t you’ll drive yourself crazy. Good luck and take care of yourself x
Hi Kim,
thanks for that. How unbearable for you that your friends are judgmental. The friends who know are supportive of me, to my surprise. Without that, it would be terrible and very hard.
I erased his cell phone# out of my phone!!!! It was a bit liberating at that moment and I knew I had to do it because I would call him tonight if I didn’t. Like I just called his job, but he was out of the room. I don’t know if his coworker will remember to give him the message, but if she does, he’ll call back. I was doing so well. It’s at night when I really get set back because we have been talking every night for the past month or two. I get lonely and I’m up and I know he’s up, so I’ll call. But now I don’t have his # any more and I deliberately didn’t rememerize it.
I’ll find any excuse to call him even at work. I want him to know I don’t have his cell phone# any more, so it’s all on him if he wants to talk to me. That’s what I want him to know because I don’t want him to think, I’m not calling him on purpose. But we’ll see if he calls me back or not. In the meantime, I have met someone else, but I think I pushed myself on him trying to forget about my TM(taken man). He hasn’t called me back since this morning. I could be over analizing things and he could just be busy, but that’s just the way I am.
Yesterday,me and the TM talked while he was at work. He hadn’t called all day until then and it was 8pm. I think we both basically said we need to pull back. He didn’t call me last night either. He calls me every night. That hurt. I was on the phone with my new friend, hoping my TM would call me so I could tell him I’m on the other line, but he never did. He didn’t even call me in the middle of the night. That’s what is hurting, that he can actually follow through with pulling back like it’s no big deal. Is he feeling like me? Is he wanting to call me like I’m wanting to call him. Is it torture for him like it is for me? I need to know because I don’t want to be the only one feeling like this!
Oh how I wish his relationship will “naturally unfold” soon! But since they’ve been together for over 10 years and the relationship is the same as before me and him became friends, I feel hopeless. That also hurts knowing that nothing is wrong with his relationship. That’s why I needed to erase his number and let him go. His relationship isn’t dying down. Therefore I’ll just be waisting my time waiting. It’s fucked up. How in the hell do we get ourselves in these situations!!! We know better. We know we are the ones who will get hurt. We know they aren’t going anywhere. But we still do it.
I know I’m addicted to him. We aren’t even having sex!! And I am going crazy. I can’t even imagine if we were sexually active. I think I would really lose my mind.
I guess I thought that since he’s not married, they don’t live together and they don’t have any kids together, it would be easy for him to leave. I wish he was married, because then I could have a good reason to give up. Ya’ll have good reasons to give up. I can’t say he needs to be with his kids, or he needs to work things out with his wife to make sure they are through. And that hurts too because I realize that he must really love the hell out of his woman because he isn’t even “entertaining the thought” of being with me, falling in love with me, or seeing himself with me in the future.
But oh how I miss him already and it’s only been a day. I’ll get better day by day.
Walg9e
I completely understand what you’re going through. Even though you don’t think it, you’re doing great. The first few days are the hardest to get over, but each day you’ll grow a little stronger and realise you’re worth so much more. He’s been really honest with you and you will look back on this in the weeks/months to come and be glad that he was
Try doing something at night that occupies your mind, reading/bath/cleaning, do anything to distract you.
There is a good reason why you should give up on him and the reason is you. This torture that you and all of us go through is damaging both mentally and physically. We all deserve to be loved, cherished and appreciated by one person who wants to devote all their time and attention to us, we don’t deserve the scraps of them.
Take Care of yourself. You’re doing great x
Walg9e,
It does get better, I think you’ll surprise yourself by just how strong you can be.
Take Care
He text me and said sending you a hug I’ll call you Sunday. Well, I’m waiting on my new friend to come over and break me off a lil somethin somethin. I’m a bit tipsy and horny and I know this dude doesn’t deserve me, but what the hell. I’ll use condoms and I just want to fuck somebody. I know I’m wrong for doing it, but I’m mad at my TM and whatever. I’m going to enjoy myself.
Walg9e,
While I understand your frustration, be careful you don’t end up treating your new friend badly. He doesn’t deserve to be used as a stop gap.
Take Care
yeah, I understand where you are coming from. But I look at it like this, I don’t know how far this new guy is willing to go. He says he wants a relationship, and so do I. He came over and we did it. It was good. And I actually woke up thinking of him. We have a pretty good understanding of the sex issue. I don’t think he wants to hit it and forget it, but just in case he does, my feelings aren’t all invested in him right now anyway. But as soon as I quit thinking of him, I thought of my TM. I’m waiting for him to call me sometime today. I have his # again and I can’t erase it yet. I don’t know if I should tell him how I really feel(depressed, sick, needy, lonely, sad, etc,etc.). Or if I should tell him I’m doing better than I thought I would. I guess I’ll be honest. I’ve never lied to him about my feelings. We’ll just see what happens. In the meantime, I’m waiting for both men to call me.
Walg9e,
Do you think telling him how you feel will change his outlook on things? It doesn’t seem that way from your previous posts, I think it’s one of the worse things in the world to pour your heart out to someone, and have them not say it back. If you and your new guy want to work on a relationship, then why not go for it. Forget about Mr Unavailable, and see if you can get the life you deserve with your new guy.
Take Care
Hello Ladies!
Sorry I had to disappear. I had a family member stay with me for awhile and we were sharing a computer:). I’m trying to catch up with everyone and hoping to read through all the posts by tomorrow. Wow, some of your names are really depressing:), say it ain’t that bad:)!
kristi
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