paper love heartsOne thing women are really good at is self-blame. When we are mistreated, the first thing we do is internalise the problem and wonder what we did to cause it.

I keep wondering what I did to scare him off

It must be something I did; he was so attentive at first

Maybe if I hadn’t asked for so much, he would still be around

Maybe I want too much and he doesn’t think that he can please me

I think he thinks I’m needy and clingy

And then…Oh.My.God. I’m a Drama Queen/Drama Seeker. This is why our relationship hasn’t worked out. It’s all my fault!!!!!!!

Well I’m about to rip the needle off the record for you and give you a reality check.

Take a man, make him an assclown (many of you won’t have to stretch your imaginations for this one), give him all of the annoying and soul-destroying things that he does to ensure that the relationship doesn’t progress, give him lots of ‘little’ things that show that he only had one or neither of his feet in the relationship. Now ask yourself this: Do you really believe that he will sit there when he is alone and think “The reason why the relationship has not progressed is all because of my behaviour?”

I don’t frickin’ think so! There is ego, penis, and fundamental differences between the sexes with the most prevalent difference that affects this being the fact that when the chips are down, women beat themselves up, blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently. When the chips are down for the type of guy that makes sh*tty relationships oh so easy, he’s not that connected to himself that he would be able to blame himself on an ongoing basis. Oh, he has the occasional moment of clarity and then he goes back to blaming you and tells himself what a great catch he is.

If you want to have healthier relationships, you need to be accountable for your contribution but that doesn’t mean that you lie down on the sacrificial alter and declare yourself responsible for everything.

Relationships are the sum of BOTH parties!

If you are a Drama Seeker, you have been behaving in ways that are counterproductive to the relationships success. There is no getting away from that.

If you have suddenly realised that you’re a Drama Seeker, your first thought is to go into panic meltdown and assume responsibility for the demise of your relationship.

All of a sudden, the maybe’s start kicking in eg “Maybe if I hadn’t asked him to define things then he would still be here”

Yes that’s possible, but he would still be there, not because he is present and accountable for the relationship and helping it progress, but because you are letting him get away with a minimal contribution and keeping things ambiguous!!!!

You cannot change the past. Sitting there and analysing every little thing that you could have done differently so that this guy would still be there is a complete waste of your time. Being aware of your destructive pattern and learning a more positive relationship style would be far more beneficial.

If you believe it is one little thing that you said or did, you are truly mistaken. Whilst the type of men we choose is down to us, how the other person behaves, particularly when they are emotionally unavailable and fearing commitment is not. This is not all about you.

What I am always shocked about is that we are very quick to focus on what we think we may have done wrong, but what about him? In order to add some balance and objectivity to your perception of your contribution into the relationship, you need to acknowledge his contribution (or lack of it) too!

The key is in understanding whether the issues in your relationship were internal or external. Did you choose an amazing guy and then sabotage it with all of your negative internal messaging? Or did you choose the same guy, different package that is central to your pattern and because he reflected every negative thing that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, the relationship was doomed anyway?

If you can hand on heart say that this guy had no issues, both feet in the relationship, was doing everything to bring the relationship forward and your Drama Seeker self overtook things and wouldn’t let the relationship be, then yes, I’ll be honest, it is very possible that you did scare him away.

Even the most emotionally healthy of guys find behaviours attached to Drama Seekers very draining because being needy and clingy isn’t attractive and the focus of everything becomes about him. It begins to feel like he is the centre of the universe and that everything for you is derived from him and that is a lot of pressure. Relationships need some independence, some calm, and some balance. Drama Seekers don’t do calm!

If your problem is internal and you’re projecting your fears, he is not going to solve that issue for you – only you can by getting to grips with your fears and getting to the root so that you have a more positive self.

If the problem is external, you have to look at his behaviour and become aware of how it fed it into the negative cycle. And avoid it.

But it is likely that you are experiencing a bit of both which means getting true accountability and awareness. You need to have more conscious relationships.

So I ask you to quit the self-blame and start getting real about you and about him. In reality comes truth, and in truth comes the opportunity to learn, and in learning comes the opportunity to grow. If you keep repeating the pattern, you might as well be stuck in a time warp.

Your thoughts?

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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.

Check out my ebooks including The No Contact Rule, a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you, and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, in my bookshop. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.

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6 Responses to Did I chase or scare him away?

  1. Mack says:

    Thank you so much for this post. Today I received an e-mail from my EUM assholish ex. He said “do you realize you threw me off by your insecurity”. Sure, it was all my fault :-))). While he was the very guy that provoked the hell out of me. Even nowadays (5 months after breakup with full no-contact from me) he blows hot and cold: he sends s hot “i love you more than anyone ever” mail, in a few days followed my a cold “it’s all your fault” BS.
    Thank you for the website. It helped me a lot through all of this.

  2. need advise says:

    I have been in an untitled thingy for the past 8 months with a definite EUM (which I have had these kind of men before). The difference this time is that I recognized early in the relationship that this was not for me, but I CHOSE to continue for who knows why: lonely, horney, etc. The crazy thing about it though was up until 2 months ago….I was doing all the sexual pleasing and received NOTHING from him. Looking back on it, that’s utterly craziness! Think it goes back to being able to give Love but not receive it which makes it easy to be with an EUM. I’ve tried a few times to break things off using what I thought was just plain old logic but he ALWAYS calls me until he gets a response from me which eventually happens and then we go round and round again. I have never given him any drama unlike my past EUM relationships even though there have been many occasions that would validate me doing so as far as calling him on things.
    I am now at a place(I think) where I just need to get out and I struggle big time with what or how much to say to him. I would love to tell him all the things that have been in my heart and how it’s been riped apart a million times, but the other side of me just wants to say, ” ya know I just need to step away from this whatever we’re calling this thing and regroup and I really need for you to stop calling me indefinitely”. I don’t know if that would do it for him though, trying to approach it like I’m coming from a friends stand point and asking him to do this if he is a friend. I don’t want to give him the satifaction of thinking that he really hurt me terribly. Any thoughts?

  3. Astelle says:

    need advise, read NML’s posts about cutting contact. Ignore his contacts and one day he will stop and leave you alone, if not, like you said you will go around and around for years and that will prevent you from meeting a better guy.

  4. Sindh says:

    Dear NML
    As always you are on the spot. Nothing works with these kindda men. I asked for absolutely nothing, gave him all and the best of what I got. Long distant and seeing each other maybe 5 days every month or two, he NEVER contributed financially or emotionally and yet I stood by him for 20 months. And yet he tells me I am ” Always in His Face” how did I do that from 1500 miles away I wonder. I was always a needy insecure drama queen, ah but wait one hot cold minute here, I was paying my bills, all my calls to him as well all my travel expenses to go see him when he came down not to mention serving me up on the platter as well. It does not matter, its all about tearing someone down to build themselves up. Imagine he was coming up on chat pretending to be someone else and then wham accusses me of cheating on him – unfreekin-belieave.
    There was no moment, there was a whole lot of drama, not mine but his but I went from a extrovert, independent, funny, intelligent girl to someone I don’t even know anymore, I am still somewhere in there I know, just got lost in all the drama. It takes so much strength to put our foot down and walk away and never look back . Not easy but it can be done.

  5. Sindh says:

    Oh ny the way he told me that this was a committed relationship and I was never happy with all he gave me, I wonder what that was.

  6. Sindh says:

    Oh ny the way does this sound like a committed relationship to anyone reading these blogs coz he told me it was and I should be happy for it.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!