One thing women are really good at is self-blame. When we are mistreated, the first thing we do is internalise the problem and wonder what we did to cause it.
I keep wondering what I did to scare him off
It must be something I did; he was so attentive at first
Maybe if I hadn’t asked for so much, he would still be around
Maybe I want too much and he doesn’t think that he can please me
I think he thinks I’m needy and clingy
And then…Oh.My.God. I’m a Drama Queen/Drama Seeker. This is why our relationship hasn’t worked out. It’s all my fault!!!!!!!
Well I’m about to rip the needle off the record for you and give you a reality check.
Take a man, make him an assclown (many of you won’t have to stretch your imaginations for this one), give him all of the annoying and soul-destroying things that he does to ensure that the relationship doesn’t progress, give him lots of ‘little’ things that show that he only had one or neither of his feet in the relationship. Now ask yourself this: Do you really believe that he will sit there when he is alone and think “The reason why the relationship has not progressed is all because of my behaviour?”
I don’t frickin’ think so! There is ego, penis, and fundamental differences between the sexes with the most prevalent difference that affects this being the fact that when the chips are down, women beat themselves up, blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently. When the chips are down for the type of guy that makes sh*tty relationships oh so easy, he’s not that connected to himself that he would be able to blame himself on an ongoing basis. Oh, he has the occasional moment of clarity and then he goes back to blaming you and tells himself what a great catch he is.
If you want to have healthier relationships, you need to be accountable for your contribution but that doesn’t mean that you lie down on the sacrificial alter and declare yourself responsible for everything.
Relationships are the sum of BOTH parties!
If you are a Drama Seeker, you have been behaving in ways that are counterproductive to the relationships success. There is no getting away from that.
If you have suddenly realised that you’re a Drama Seeker, your first thought is to go into panic meltdown and assume responsibility for the demise of your relationship.
All of a sudden, the maybe’s start kicking in eg “Maybe if I hadn’t asked him to define things then he would still be here”
Yes that’s possible, but he would still be there, not because he is present and accountable for the relationship and helping it progress, but because you are letting him get away with a minimal contribution and keeping things ambiguous!!!!
You cannot change the past. Sitting there and analysing every little thing that you could have done differently so that this guy would still be there is a complete waste of your time. Being aware of your destructive pattern and learning a more positive relationship style would be far more beneficial.
If you believe it is one little thing that you said or did, you are truly mistaken. Whilst the type of men we choose is down to us, how the other person behaves, particularly when they are emotionally unavailable and fearing commitment is not. This is not all about you.
What I am always shocked about is that we are very quick to focus on what we think we may have done wrong, but what about him? In order to add some balance and objectivity to your perception of your contribution into the relationship, you need to acknowledge his contribution (or lack of it) too!
The key is in understanding whether the issues in your relationship were internal or external. Did you choose an amazing guy and then sabotage it with all of your negative internal messaging? Or did you choose the same guy, different package that is central to your pattern and because he reflected every negative thing that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, the relationship was doomed anyway?
If you can hand on heart say that this guy had no issues, both feet in the relationship, was doing everything to bring the relationship forward and your Drama Seeker self overtook things and wouldn’t let the relationship be, then yes, I’ll be honest, it is very possible that you did scare him away.
Even the most emotionally healthy of guys find behaviours attached to Drama Seekers very draining because being needy and clingy isn’t attractive and the focus of everything becomes about him. It begins to feel like he is the centre of the universe and that everything for you is derived from him and that is a lot of pressure. Relationships need some independence, some calm, and some balance. Drama Seekers don’t do calm!
If your problem is internal and you’re projecting your fears, he is not going to solve that issue for you – only you can by getting to grips with your fears and getting to the root so that you have a more positive self.
If the problem is external, you have to look at his behaviour and become aware of how it fed it into the negative cycle. And avoid it.
But it is likely that you are experiencing a bit of both which means getting true accountability and awareness. You need to have more conscious relationships.
So I ask you to quit the self-blame and start getting real about you and about him. In reality comes truth, and in truth comes the opportunity to learn, and in learning comes the opportunity to grow. If you keep repeating the pattern, you might as well be stuck in a time warp.
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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.