Do emotionally unavailable men change?
July 31, 2008 by NML
This is probably one of the most common questions that I am asked by women and it seems that no matter what some of you know about yourselves and him, you’re still curious. I’m not surprised…
Most women who took the time to search for information that led them to this site were looking for answers and more importantly, a solution. Admittedly though, I suspect that the ideal solution that many want to hear is one that involves:
You changing and him having a thunderbolt moment where he realises it’s love.
A step by step guide to catching him and keeping him.
Some all joyous news that says with a bit of patience, he will change.
This is the reality: IF he changes and that is a pretty big damn if, it won’t because you stuck at his side pushing your love on him and trying to extract the relationship that you want out of him.
If he changes, you’re still the same person and if you want to be with a man like this, it’s an indicator that you have issues that you need to resolve.
This idea that when they fix, heal, and help themselves and realise the potential you’ve projected on them, that YOU will suddenly feel wonderful is BS. It takes more than him changing for you to be happy and in believing this you place all of the responsibility on an external party for your happiness.
If he changes, he’ll have had to have had something really major happen that switches him from disconnected to connected. What would he do with you then? He’ll want something that reflects his connected, positive life, and that’s unlikely to be you.
Everyone has the capacity for change, but many people don’t because they either don’t believe that they have to change (stubborn), are unaware that they have to change (sometimes deluded), or they have no actual need to change.
Now in the case of Mr Unavailable’s, clearly they have issues, but one of the things that we as women must accept about men is that it is not down to us to decide that they should change and how they must achieve it.
Men are not children. Many are assclowns with some serious emotional issues that could give them an emotional age that is less than a childs but it doesn’t mean that women should treat men like they have no clue what they really want and that it’s down for us to decide it.
If you keep trying to raise men from the ground up, trying to get them to change by silently staying at their side saying ‘I love you, I love, love me, love me’ or staying loudly at their side saying ‘If you loved me you’d change. I love you so why don’t your appreciate it?’
Sometimes it takes something really negative to happen for someone to change. I know that one assclown too many was my tipping point, and other have changed because in spending time on their own and confronting some issues about themselves, they felt ready to lead a more connected life.
The reality is that no matter how innocent you think the question of whether they change is; on some level, the great majority of women that ask this question are secretly hoping for a miracle so that they don’t have to opt out of the relationship or dalliance with him.
Hard to hear but true.
It is easier to focus on what you think he needs to do rather than look a little closer to home.
But let me ask you something:
Why do you believe that you know what the solution is to a guy?
The changes that we expect from men are all intrinsically tied to the expectation that they change so that they can love you.
But if you truly love someone and you want them to have real, positive, change, you have to set yourself up for the possibility that it may not include you in their plans, much like if you experience real, positive, change, that they are unlikely to fit in with your life.
If the change that you expect from men comes with strings, i.e. an expectation that you are going to be granted entry into their house of love, you’re expecting too much and betting on potential again.
So back to the original question of do emotionally unavailable men change?
Some do, most don’t. They’re morphers shifting in and out of roles to suit the agenda. As everything is ego driven, don’t be surprised to hear marriage proposals and declarations of love when they suddenly realise they’re not that hot or young anymore and everyone else has settled. They’ll blow hot for a while and then instead of retreating and disappearing, they retreat…but you live in the same house with them and start feeling like everything is a battle.
Ultimately, if they change, it is because something huge happens that makes it difficult to return to old behaviours or opens up a floodgate of connection. They don’t do it with the certainty that there is a steadfast Fallback Girl waiting in the wings for them because there’s no incentive to change.
When people do change, it’s because being around someone or at a particular stage of life makes them want to be the best that they can be and try harder. Unfortunately in the case of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, together, a negative plus a negative, equals a double negative.
The best solution to this? You work on your issues, do a whole load of forgiveness, boost your self-esteem, live a life where you are committed to you and self-love, and radiating positivity, and then see if you still want the same guy…
If you would like to understand more about the man who is the king of mixed signals and the women that love him, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Good Thursday morning to you, NML.
I think you hit another good point. Actaually several of them.
Originally that they may have no desire nor see any need to change.
Then that even if they DO commit to a rerationship, rather than disappearing, they just retreat and everything is a battle/emotional pain.
Then lastly, that really still focusing on what we want them to become with our dreams of their potential is still a a way for us not to focus on improving our own self-esteem so that we don’t want someone who could have treated us so shabbily !
Past history (even with someone else) is indeed a good precursor of present actions (with me) - if a man is a bad penny , blows hot and cold / plays now you see me - now you don’t games, or is dishonest or manipulative or doesn’t take responsibility for his behavior - for YEARS, then even IF he does some work and sees that he ought to make some changes, he is not likely to COMPLETELY change, merely to modify - and then maybe only for the short term.
A total about face is just too extrordinary/highly unlikely. Maybe put it in with the statistics of alcoholics who truly become and stay sober - and that is what, only 10% of them ? And remember, that is a a years long process, not within weeks or even months !
I’d always wondered if he would be different with someone else, be the man I imagined him to be. I don’t think so now after reading your blog over the last two months, and the e-book..
Oh, she might get a bit more than I did, but essentially he is who he is. He’ll simply pick someone where his dysfunctions match hers better - maybe SHE will be even more emotionally unavailable than he is !
But regardless, it won’t be a healthy relationship. It can’t be - he is still a habitual liar, deceptive, avoids responsibility for what he does, etc., - and comfortable with that mindset/behaving that way.
Wishing for an assclown to change - or worrying that he will with someone else - is avoiding our own issues, period. That WE need to change and love ourselves and believe we deserve better than someone who needs to change in order to consistently love us and treat us well.
Thank you again NML (God, I hope you’re not getting sick of having me say that !) for helping me change the way I think. Self-esteem is becoming more than just a word now for me.
Genuinely,
Loving Annie
Loving Annie
p.s. although the following article below is ostensibly about physical abuse, it is right to the point of addressing if he will change and can you just love him enough so that it will all work out…
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1039953/Id-like-slap-professional-victim-Sheryl-Gascoigne—save-Paul-bother.html
“professional victim” can be emotional as well as physical if we don’t catch our own patterns soon enough and put a stop to it.
Thank you, NML and Loving Annie. You both made great points. I have just given up one emotionally unavailable man, and this post is going to prevent me from getting back in with another. My self esteem is so messed up, I admit it - I have been flirting with other EUMs from my past, since this last major one and I parted ways, because it seems to be the only way I feel validated. I know that’s a bad thing! I have got to learn to find validation other ways in myself.
I haven’t dated anyone since my main EUM and I parted, and I think I’m going to have to avoid it for awhile. Probably a long while. I feel so defeated.
Thank you to all the beautiful women (and the few guys that are probably here) who make this site. I’m a work in progress!
NML, it’s amazing how the topics of your posts seem to parallel exactly where I am at in this saga of the EUM! For the last few months since I have started NC with my ex-EUM, I have been totally focussing on ME, and I started taking up some hobbies that I have been wanting to do, I have been reading a lot, and pampering myself, and regaining self-love and self-esteem. So, by doing that, it’s been so weird lately because I am starting to really see my EUM for what he truly is, and it isn’t all that great…it’s like all of the qualities I “made up” about him in my own mind aren’t really there. He is starting to not be as wonderful as I have always thought him to be….strange to have these thoughts now of him, but I really think it’s because I AM CHANGING and obviously he isn’t, and my “changing” self and his “not changing EUM” self just aren’t jiving anymore…..
I think it depends whether a man is actually EUM or immature. I dated a guy for 10 years who had all the signs of EUM for the first 5. But somewhere along the line he became a totally different guy, commited to me and actually proposed. I think he finally grew up and wanted to settle down. But the weird thing is that after 5 years of chasing this guy when I finally “caught” him, I didn’t want him any longer. The 2nd half of the 10 years we sort of switched roles and I became the one who was emotionally unavailable. I stayed with him, but I wasn’t happy and I spent as little time with him as possible. He eventually left me for someone else. He is now married with a family and I am still dating EUM’s. I have dated at least 4 since that first one. It just goes to prove the point that I am probably the one with commitment issues and this is why I am attracted to EUM’s in the first place!
SuzieQ, I hear ya sister.
I have started to realize that it is perhaps my fears that keep things status quo, keep me where I am without change. I guess all human beings are the same, in order to change YOU have to want to, not for someone else.
I honestly have tried to see things differently with and in myself recently.
I have realized that my expectations were baseless. As in I thought I wanted one thing, and I really didn’t. I thought it was the ‘right way’ but there is no ‘right way’.
I cannot change any man, and any man I want to change isn’t one I want to be with.
Can some behaviours change? Hell ya, but, you have to be prepared for them not to and if you can live with that, and be happy, then fine.
It’s when you can’t, when you feel like you are hurting yourself that you have to step away.
If your first thoughts are that you can change him, that he will come around with some convincing, if you are the sweetest most understanding woman in the world he will have no choice but to want you, well - stop. Now.
I have also realized lately that we are pretty results driven as a society.
We want it now, and we want the best, and we have to win.
The journey doesn’t matter. It’s one big footie match and the first question is ‘what’s the score’…sometimes we do have to be patient, and yes, sometimes you do have to slow it down. But not with the expectation that he will suddenly come around.
Nothing wrong with taking your time, if it feels right. And if it doesn’t feel right to slow down, and if you feel the need to change someone, look within yourself and figure out why.
Loving Annie has been going on and ON about you to me, so I thought I’d better pop over. (Before she gets sick of me and the way I am with men! lol)
Very good points made, and I’ll be back!
*mwah*
Great article. Some very, very insightful observations.
How sad it is though, to be an Emotionally Available Man…and single…in a world where so many women can’t/don’t seem to recognize the value someone who is not ‘unavailable emotionally’.