you may have been the best for him but he wasn’t the best for you and to me men who are classified as MR. unavailable; could have a woman that thats class A in everything…. and still not acknowledge you…cause they are only in to themselves…like my Narcissist assclown ex was…

This scares me. Was I not good enough to be that someone that made him want to be the best he could be?

I stumbled upon your site to understand EUM and to understand myself on why I pursued this wonderful man.

This man was my client and after our transaction was over, he took me out to a wonderful dinner as a “thank you”. I walked into that great restaurant on my mind as he was still my client. We clicked. The evening was magical and although the food was great, I truly enjoyed his company much more and told him. I’m not afraid to voice my feelings and I am a confident enough woman to do so.

To give you a bit of my background, early on in my life, I’d gone through what I call “my journey”. Meaning, I went through and worked on most of the emotional garbage that my parents and my upbringing had thrown onto me. At a young age, I realized that I was damaged goods and took on the job of working on myself. It was hell on earth. I wasn’t easy. I worked on it with full speed ahead because I want to understand and start the healing process because I felt I deserve happiness in my life. I was in my 20s then. I know I still have issues, but my “baggage” are small enough to fit on the overhead compartment, rather than having to check them in.

Fast forward to today, after than wonderful,magical evening, “Paul” and I agreed it was magical and I pursued him. I’m confident enough to know what I want and act on it. After our 2nd date, he poured is heart out and said, “I can’t believe a beautiful, intelligent, self-made woman like yourself would be interested in someone like me who has so much baggage”. RED FLAG! and I was actually surprised that he had said that, but what I want to understand is why I chose to ignore it. We continually went out, still on the “getting to know each other” stage and after the 4th date, we kissed. There were no sparks, no “magic”, nothing coming from my side, but then again, I ignored it.
As time went by, I have questioned him a lot of things that made him realized how f*cked up he was and I am the type of a woman who doesn’t back down at confrontation. Paul’s extremely low self-esteem made me realize that he could never give me what I need until he realizes that he has a lot of “internal” work to do on himself.

Yesterday, after dating only about 2 months, I told him that I want to date other men. He told me that he feels like a broken man and because of me questioning his actions and his intentions, he realized that he has a lot of baggage to work on and he wouldn’t be any good to me. He’s afraid that he would “bring me down” and due to my advice, I told Paul that he needs to seek a good therapist and stay on it for a very, very long time. He agreed. Our parting was bittersweet. I do care for Paul. I told him that he needs to walk down the road of self-realization by himself because nobody else can do it for him. He agreed and started seeing a therapist. I also told him that I’ve been down that road before and I walked on it alone.

With that said, I am going to put myself into therapy again because I want to understand why I pursued someone like Paul. Mind you, I didn’t know he had such a HUGE and heavy baggage, and I realized early on that his issues were too much for me and that he needed to seek help on his own. I do love him in the short time that we were dating. He talked a lot about issues, our past and we got to know each other enough that we do care for each other. It’s just we’re not on the same page and the timing is all wrong.

So, for those out there reading this, I discovered that it’s me that I still have to work on. Paul is a good man and I feel that he doesn’t want to drag me down with his baggage and decided to do something about it. I love him, I honestly do and I told him that I wish him luck and happiness. Only he can make the change and nobody can hold his hand while he’s going through the pain of self-realization. I do love myself enough to know that I deserve the love and attention I need from time to time from an emotionally available man. I’m off to dating, trying on some other men to see if they fit. But I want to say that some EUM can and will change, but they have to come to realize on their own and with a little care from a friend, they can realize that they need to walk that path by themselves. If Paul has changed and continues to improve and looks me up in the future, I will still consider him. That is, if I’m available.

Sherry

Whoa, if it helps you feel any better let me tell you a little story about Rebounds. Which, she is.

I had a rebound to get over to women above, BIG MISTAKE, I gave her everything that I didn’t give my ex and was willing ot give her the world. She told me how she loved me BLAH BLAH BLAH. When she ended up pregnant, I was scared and a little shocked cause I never had a condom fail. Well its been years since walking in on her sleeping with my cousin, who’s child it turned out to be.

I spent endless nights thinking about how they were cuddling up and being happy with there new child which I thought was mine. Its had to not think about someone, One great book I read was called, “How to fall out of love” has some great tips to get that person out of your head. Then, go to the gym, or take a class on something. Work on making you the best you that you have ever been. One day you will hear about how bad their relationship really was and how he got F**ked over. I know I relished in how she calls the cops on him all the time and pretty much cheated on him a few times also. Ohh and the best part was when he found out the kid wasn’t his and was his friends. He still loves it and signed his last name to it when it was born.
Trust me, they may act like everything is grand, nor does he want anyone to know he F**ked up by leaving you for her. By then you may not care anyways, and will be way above him in life too. Your better then that kind of second rate behavior, forgive yourself and treat yourself like a queen. In fact forgive him while you are at it, lord knows I buried the Hackett a long time ago. Still have no respect for him, but he is family so I will say hi to him nowadays.
I know it must feel like the end of the world, but it is not. It feels like you invested so much just to watch someone else walk in and take it all away. You feel like a fool and that this women is living the life you worked so hard for. Work on you, time will spell out a great deal of pain for them. Just watch

“Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.”

He broke your heart, he treated you like you meant nothing to him after all that you said and did and now he has left you believing that there is something wrong with YOU!! and you dont think he will get his karma in life?!?!?oh believe me when i say it is just a matter of time before he does it may be months or even years but somewhere down the road he will have to experience the same thoughts/feelings that you are experiencing while you will be so much better off..and if and when he decides to contact you after realizing what an ass he was for hurting you and he somehow wants to make up to you can tell him that its a little too late and you’ve moved on with your life..that right there will be the best revenge-hang in there hun you will make it through this difficult time-remember how beautiful and wonderful you are and how much you really do have to offer..AC may not have realized that when he was with you but he will in due time..but by then it will be too late -stay strong huny you will come out on top and he will always be the AC that he truly is!!!

“Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.”

He broke your heart, he treated you like you meant nothing to him after all that you said and did and now he has left you believing that there is something wrong with YOU!! and you dont think he will get his karma in life?!?!?oh believe me when i say it is just a matter of time before he does it may be months or even years but somewhere down the road he will have to experience the same thoughts/feelings that you are experiencing while you will be so much better off..and if and when he decides to contact you after realizing what an ass he was for hurting you and he somehow wants to make up to you can tell him that its a little too late and you’ve moved on with your life..that right there will be the best revenge-hang in there hun you will make it through this difficult time-remember how beautiful and wonderful you are and how much you really do have to offer..AC may not have realized that when he was with you but he will in due time..but by then it will be too late -stay strong huny you will come out on top and he will always be the AC that he truly is!!!

I read He’s Scared, She’s Scared by Carter and Sokol and this website and I was convinced he was EUM. His previous relationships and lifestyle all fit the profile to a T. But he fell head over heels for this girl and can’t wait to marry her.

I’m gutted and heartbroken. I loved him with all that I had for three years and got replaced overnight.

She gets the life I always wanted, marriage and kids with him, and I get to be in therapy for a year and still not be able to have a real relationship. He is 10 years older than me and has been the way he was for many years. He changes literally over night and I can’t even manage it with professional help.

His tipping point was falling in love, mine was getting my heart blended. He is deliriously happy and I cry myself to sleep at nights.

There is no karma.

What is so wrong with me?

She said he did not want to commit, used to tell her she’s still young and has her whole life ahead of her etc..and was even planning on immigration, insisted on it too, to the point that he had to make an act of being engaged to a certain girl in order to go on with the immigration process!

Then I asked her, how did you let him propose to you at 16 then??Even her parents were a bit hesitated because of her age(mind you, that was in the 60s so still was no big deal as now)

She told me things that sound a lot like the throwback girl you were talking about!And I guess It depends on the guy’s personality as well, and if he was always this way or not..

If he is of the sensitive,sweet type who is protective and caring, and been enjoying a happy single life after bad experiences so this is what made him think it is better for him to stay that way..then there might be hope I guess! And when my mother also told me about their story..now they’re married for more than 35 years..

It is because she did not let go of him, not clinging, but just..being there and showing love etc..(but he has to have some feelings in return to have something based on, like my case too)

I started thinking and rethinking..

I tried the no contact..for a day..it was heart aching, hurting and my eyes were all teary 24 hours..then, the next day, early in the morning he called..whenever I stay for a few hours away no contact, he is like where are you etc..and no this is not for lust cause he knows I am not for premarital sex, yet keeps seeking for my existence and always worrily(is that a word?) asked me, if I told you I cannot commit etc..will u back away and cut off with me?
And I guess he is starting to see his brother’s newly wed life in a better light too..so, pray for us!!

How sad it is though, to be an Emotionally Available Man…and single…in a world where so many women can’t/don’t seem to recognize the value someone who is not ‘unavailable emotionally’.

Very good points made, and I’ll be back!

*mwah*

I honestly have tried to see things differently with and in myself recently.
I have realized that my expectations were baseless. As in I thought I wanted one thing, and I really didn’t. I thought it was the ‘right way’ but there is no ‘right way’.

I cannot change any man, and any man I want to change isn’t one I want to be with.
Can some behaviours change? Hell ya, but, you have to be prepared for them not to and if you can live with that, and be happy, then fine.
It’s when you can’t, when you feel like you are hurting yourself that you have to step away.
If your first thoughts are that you can change him, that he will come around with some convincing, if you are the sweetest most understanding woman in the world he will have no choice but to want you, well – stop. Now.
I have also realized lately that we are pretty results driven as a society.
We want it now, and we want the best, and we have to win.
The journey doesn’t matter. It’s one big footie match and the first question is ‘what’s the score’…sometimes we do have to be patient, and yes, sometimes you do have to slow it down. But not with the expectation that he will suddenly come around.
Nothing wrong with taking your time, if it feels right. And if it doesn’t feel right to slow down, and if you feel the need to change someone, look within yourself and figure out why.

I haven’t dated anyone since my main EUM and I parted, and I think I’m going to have to avoid it for awhile. Probably a long while. I feel so defeated.

Thank you to all the beautiful women (and the few guys that are probably here) who make this site. I’m a work in progress!