You bump into your ex that you haven’t seen or spoken to for a while. You’ve spent months moving on with your life and are just getting to a place where you’re feeling good about you, are considering dating, and are even feeling confident enough to hang out with them and chat for a while. When you get home, you’re still on a high from feeling like you ‘aced’ one of life’s tests and then you notice a text on your phone. “Hey… Was great hanging out tonight. I’ve missed you. How about I come round later?”
Your heart sinks and then quickly lifts with outrage. “Do they think I’m that easy?” You either ignore the text or decline their invitation, but you still end up ruminating on whether you really have made any progress over the past few months and what you said or did to ‘make’ them think that you might sleep with them. In some versions of this story that I’ve heard time and time again, the text is taken as a sign that 1) they haven’t moved on as much as they thought and 2) that it means that they’re destined to be together, hence they end up shagging.
It’s easy when you’re inclined to engage in the type of introspection that yields a self-blame perspective, to wonder if you have a sign on your forehead or are incredibly unlucky, or are essentially communicating the ‘truth’ about yourself without you realising. You might be like how I used to be and believe that you’re having an extended run of bad luck, but what you need to realise is that often, people are chancing their arm by working off The Time Of Day Principle.
Very simply, if you’re giving them the time of day, they assume that there is a possibility that they can be and do certain things. That is literally it. That time of day can simply be catching their eye or entering into a conversation. It could even be giving them directions! While it can be taking an interest in their conversation, not minding when they’re OTT intense and forward, not being turned off by their flirtatiousness in spite of the wedding ring, or other more obvious things, don’t get things twisted – it starts off as the time of day.
If they’re particularly arrogant, they may immediately make assumptions about you and draw misguided conclusions, which incidentally aren’t facts, but if they do manage to get more ‘airtime’ with you, all they’ll do is find reasons no matter how straw-like they are, to justify their actions.
The important thing to remember, is that they have the disposition to be and do whatever it is irrespective of your presence. Whatever they do next is not an indication of your worth as a person – it’s just representative of their own thinking, actions, character and values.
How do they find out if the initial assumption is correct? They chance their arm, which actually may be as natural as breathing to them, so it may not always be a premeditated, well thought out plan that they’re cooking up. It’s more likely that they’re in the moment, being reactive and running off their instincts.
When you chance your arm at something, it’s basically taking a risk and if it pays off, you’re quids in and if it doesn’t, then you know where you stand and there’s no real loss. The type of person who does this in dating and relationships, can also sometimes be like a persistent battering ram that loves a challenge – they may try again but aiming lower via a charm offensive, to see if you’re ‘really’ who you are. Or they’ll just move on to someone else.
If they already know you, like the ex in the example at the start, what you must remember is that they are not working on knowledge of you now; they’re working on assumptions based on what they know of you from previous situations and your pattern of involvement. They’re not wired up to some Relationship Air Traffic Control Centre that lets them know when they can home in on you – they only know how you’re actually going to react when you react. Yes you might do what you normally do, but equally you could turn around and tell them to jog on.
Just because they’re making an assumption, it doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it. It’s an assumption – it only looks like a fact to them if you start complying with it, so don’t.
The way not to agree with the action is to do what respects your own boundaries and values, not what you assume that their actions mean about you and then trying to work out what they might be thinking about you. Their actions mean everything about them.
It’s the same with sex on those first few dates – taking a chance alert! If you give the time of day to them trying it on, when actually, you don’t want to get down, it sends the message that sex is a possibility and then they start hustling and ‘negotiating’ by going on a charm offensive or passive aggressively trying to shift things in a sexy direction.
Likewise, you know when you’re doing No Contact and your ex ignores the fact that you clearly don’t want to engage or have even specifically asked for space? It doesn’t mean anything about you – it just means that they’re hard of hearing and don’t respect boundaries. It doesn’t mean that your efforts at NC are wasted because as long as you’re managing your end, the rest will gradually take care of itself. Give them the time of day, they’ll think they can coerce you into responding and that you still love them. And then go on their merry way.
Don’t want to be tapped up for a booty call? Don’t give them the time of day, especially when it’s late at night or last minute.
Don’t give your energy to things, people, and situations that detract from you so that they don’t get the time to make any more assumptions about you. Your actions will show that it’s about that time for them to jog on.
Your thoughts?
If you want to reduce the time of day you give to shady relationships, check out my books The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl which are available from my bookshop.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Grace, the person who SENT the text has broken NC. The text receiver only breaks NC if they reply. NC is a pretty simple concept. It means what it says. No. contact. As in. No emailing. No phoning. No texting. No visiting the person. Etc..
Ok I’m making a new committment to myself. Ever since learning earlier this week that my ex AC had died his ‘ghost’ of has been haunting my house at all hours of the day & night (I kid you not!) So, that I’ve had a ‘polite chat’ with with his ‘ghost’ telling him that although I’m very sad he died & once loved him very much that he treated me very badly the past few yrs & so needs to jog on because it’s too late to come to me now’ I’m committing to no longer giving his ‘ghost’ the time of day! Can you believe the cheek of these men! Even in death they continue to plague us! Ugh!
teachable-
ok, your last few posts are where its at – good for you. glad you’re feeling better about it.
and – going NC on a ghost – now i think i’ve heard everything.
big hugs
This goes to show that ACs just don´t change – ever. Not even when they pass on and become ghosts.
Hi Teachable,
I’m truly sorry for this turn of events and for the pain it’s caused you and the other people in his life. You are right, you can be sad for his passing. It sounds like you have clarity with regards to how badly he treated you and are committed to not giving his ghost the time of day. That is brilliant. Based on your previous post, you could see there were some serious issues and got out. Good for you. I am sorry though. Take care of you and your son.
I agree – I broke NC by contacting him, if only on a text.
I have still not replied and have therapy in an hour, so that’s a good day!
Want to know what’s ironic? I write all about how far I’ve come (and never deny the fact, I’ve a long way to go) on my blog.
In a nutshell:
-father abandonment at 2
-raped at 13
-life of drugs (recovering now – but started at 13)
-abusive relationships
- nude stripper (1987-1996)
20 years later – and I’m still picking the wrong men.
Therapy – and sites like this – and your awesome comments are helping.
It’s up to ME to stay on track and BELIEVE I am worth so much more.
I agree this is like a drug. The withdrawls are maddening right now.
exMM and I may have been LD, but it was an intense emotional affair. constant phone conversations/sex, and texts all day long. He doted on me, much like a father would – shocker that’s what I was drawn to.
He used to say things like:
“I know you are growing, and healing, and there will be a day when I have to let you go, because you deserve so much better – and you will get there. I’m your biggest fan, and you are my favorite person…”
I believe he knows my weaknesses (knows my whole story) and, knowingly or not, uses that to his advantage.
Why can’t I get angry? I can’t stop looking at my phone.
Ugh.
Hi Christine,
I’m out of my depth here, but I’m going to give a try to answering your question.
It sounds like you understand intellectually that you go for the father figure vibe and there’s there’s something off about that, but the part of you inside that wants the caring, ‘doting’ father figure doesn’t give a crap, because she thinks she was getting what she never had. I FEEL you, sister.
My exAC was 12 years older than me and in so many ways was a more effective adult, and more attentive man, than my father was, is or ever will be. Kicking ACs arse to the curb did not stop me wanting the daddy-love (which I confused with his rich-old-man attention). God, it was eviscerating to pull away from the drug he was feeding my childhood hurt.
Hard to get mad at the person who represents an imaginary there-for-you father. The longing and need comes before the anger.
It was only in the self-love after the exAC and some real determination to get over his ass that I realized that my whole life I have blended my fantasies of a father coming and comforting me with finding a sexual partner. I can’t tell you how often I imagined being in someone’s arms in bed and having them comfort me; hell, I even played that scenario out with the AC, but just casting someone with a warm body and deep voice in the starring role of your magical healing scene is no cure.
I started visualizing a guy “like my brother” in my bed. What a turnoff! Who wants a kid in their bed, some jerk-off kid? But I did it because I realized I felt most men my age were just regular kids. None of them really measured up to the powerful man fantasy. But as I’ve continued to try to cast “real” guys in my dreams, I’ve gotten better at separating the daddy-longing from the desire to date and the desire to have a male partner.
It’s like changing your taste entirely. But until I did the fantasy recasting I absolutely couldn’t see that some of the ‘regular’ guys around me, who clearly have their own doubts and fears and weren’t supermen, and who wouldn’t make good rescuers, can actually embody the maturity, support and constancy that I (the adult Magnolia) actually want.
I was mistaking power, age, money etc for all that before. I can now look for and recognize the values in men that I need as an adult; and do separately my work on the hole where my father’s love…
CM
Have you read Nat’s Dreamer book. Yes he is a real person you met in real life, but long-distance, married, reliance on virtual communication, the overvaluing of texts (yes, I do get that it breaks NC but it’s just a text, it means as much or as little as you want it to) are fertile ground for your fantasies to run riot. Even phone calls don’t count for much if the face-to-face is limited. You look to him to save you but no third party can do that (unless you believe in God). You say it was an intense emotional affair as if that’s valuable. It’s not. If it was so great, you’d have been happy. He did not dote on you and, even if he did, that ‘s not what a mutual relationship is about. Doting, intensity, chemistry, flattery, compliments, excitement, his amateur psychoanalysis – meaningless fluff compared to the real thing. It’s not a question of degree. It’s a completely different country.
You think that your past has stamped you out for mistreatment (yes, like a sign on your forehead). That you deserve less than others. Not true. Someone you trust, who is yours alone, you can have that.
It IS scary when you realise that everything you thought is wrong. The things you valued are worthless. You want to cling to them but there’s nothing to hold onto. Believe there is better. Start by doing the right thing. Nuke him. That can never be the wrong thing to do or the wrong decision or something you will regret. He is married. You are simply waiting for a married man to text you. If it’s that bad, chuck out your sim card and change your no.
Everyone asks, how do I get self esteem? How do I heal? It doesn’t just come out of the blue while we continue our bad habits and constantly feed ourselves lies. Start by doing the right thing. If it came that easily, we would lose it just as quickly. It’s what you work and fight for that counts. That you can keep. The quick fixes – sex, attention, validation – they fall through your fingers before you can even close your hand.
Well said, Grace.
Eloquently put, Grace! Very motivating.
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope Grace. How do ‘they’ say it ?–”This is my story; this is my song.”
I feel so very grateful and moved to know this truth.
Blessings on to you~~~~~~~~~~~:)
Good luck with the therapy, Christine. I hope you come to see that this man is not helping you ‘heal and grow’ – he is actively and knowingly preventing it; it’s not in his interests for you to ‘heal and grow’ – he’s been getting too much fun out of you. If he was your ‘biggest fan’ he’d have left you alone/paid for your therapist/stopped using you as a dial-a-lay… and the rest. Just hearing the contradictory manipulative crap he spouts makes me angry on your behalf. Good luck.
cm-
here comes the no-so-amateur psychologist.
why? ….because he was a father figure. and while he may SUCK because he’s a MM, he may still be the best father figure you’ve ever had.
so, maybe approach it a different way. maybe anger isn’t the way to go. maybe he served a purpose, a role, and maybe you let him occupy the place he had in your life, let that place recede into your past, and keep moving on with all the elements of your recovery and healing. maybe you have gotten there, to that place where its time to let him go. and maybe, since he did serve something of a (relative to your history) constructive purpose, you are thankful for that part of it, but you still need to let him go because the rest of it, the unhealthy parts, are really unhealthy. and you don’t need them anymore.
this way, can you move on with more compassion, less drama, less grief?
might that work?
Christine, you may find the following forum useful as well:
http://loveaddictionforum.proboards.com
It´s for people who keep choosing the wrong partner to remedy the past, and has a lot of info on how to build your self esteem and learn to take care of yourself – sort of be your own mother/father figure. There´s also a lot of advice on NC and withdrawals.
Lilia
I tried the forty questions to determine if you are a ‘love addict’. Am glad to say my answer to most was ‘No’ and to a good handful of others was ‘Not any more!’ Yay.
Christine – to add to Lilia’s suggestion, I just read the book “How to Break your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halpern, on the advice of my one friend who knows the entire exMM saga. Excellent read, and so applicable to our situations
Another recommendation: “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody. And also, Shanton Peel’s blog on Psychology Today, he is one of the greatest capacities on addictions in general.
Christine,
All the others have offered such fabulous insights, the only thing I’d like to add is a comment regarding staring at the phone. For two years during the affair and then months after NC, I did it too. At one point, I couldn’t take a 20 minute shower without getting out to stare at the phone. If you search the archives, Natalie has a post about “staring at the decision”. It will pass with time and effort. Now, the only reason I keep my land-line is to locate my cell. It used to be glued to my eye-balls. My comments don’t hold a candle to the others. However, BR helped me to realize, the reason MM’s rely on constant crumb texts or phone calls is because they have a wife and a real life. As an OW, I had a virtual life.
He does know you and he is using that to his advantage. Get Natalie’s books and you’ll be shocked at how well he knows you and maybe angry at how he’s been using you. As Natalie says in the post: “… they only know how you’re actually going to react when you react. Yes you might do what you normally do, but equally you could turn around and tell them to jog on”.
One more thing and then I’ll stop, promise. Grace’s response with regards to your description of an “intense emotional affair” really gave me pause. Grace said so elegantly and simply: “It’s not. If it was so great, you’d have been happy”. So simple, so true. When I hear the description intense, I think drama.
Hang in there Christine. You’ve had a traumatic childhood. I did to and my picker was broken and it still may be. We aren’t our past. Sorry to sound like a reformer smoker. Hugs. There will be a day when you have to call your land-line to find your cell!
Cc yr first reply to me just brough a teat to my eye. Im still in shock. I told my sister how I really felt this morning. How BADLY he treated me. How his ‘ghost’ kept haunting my house. Here was here in the loungeroom while I was explaining it all her. He literally got up & walked out of the room as I explainto her that even in death, as sad as I feel about that, it was too late for himto come to me now looking for sympathy. He had AMPLE opportunity to sort things out between us while he was alive (although granted was preoccupied by his mother dying becoming ill & then finally dying only 6 mths before hen died) Still if he’d wanted to sort things out w us he would have moved heaven & earth to do that. He didnt. Instead he’d moved onto ‘new prey’. The real reason he got in touch with me is I think he’d used up all of his options elsewhere & he thought ‘good old teacable will still give me the time of day’. If he was wanting to try again to seek treatment for his issues (mental health & substance abuse) he could have quite easily done that w.out my assistance. I made certain he had all of the info he needed for both his state & mine BEFORE I went NC. So guess what. Teachable did NOT give him the time of day b.cuz I had to SAVE MYSELF before he TOOK ME DOWN WITH HIM. In hindsight I did the right thing. Im still incredibly sad though (& in deep shock)
PS It was an accidental death. Heart failure caused by drug use.
teachable-
aw, honey. some people can’t handle the truth, even when they’ve moved on to another dimension. well, now he knows. i find it interesting that he’s choosing you to haunt.
the shock and the sadness will fade. i know how hard it is, though. you have absolutely done the right things, though, and your head is in the right place, thank the blessed universe and all that is holy, because if it weren’t, you’d be in hell right now. but you’ll heal faster because you have your head on straight.
so, just like you learned not to in life, don’t take any crap from that ghost.
massive hugs. hang in there, it will be ok.
Christine
For what its worth the stand out commonality amoung women who make poor choices re partners is an absent (literally or emotionally) or abusive father figure. This is due to a lack to healthy proection & opposite sex modelling. When yr ready look at THAT in therapy. I personally believe that when we can learn to PARENT OURSELVES in a healthy way a flow on effect is improvements in our ‘people picker’. I wish you well. T x
… the hole where my father’s love should have been. Does that compute?
Christine – read Natalie’s dating reflections of your father and mother series. Very applicable it sounds like!
lilla. you are dead on. (pardon the pun) his ‘ghost’ put in a short appearance today. I just ignored him. Then another tonight (whilst Im writing this). again, not giving him the time of day. I told him everything i ever needed to say while he was alive. i warned him many times that his death was imminent if he did not seek immediate professional help for his problems. for 3 years he totally ignored my advice. he sought help in a halg hearted way at the end but did not stick it out. wot more could i do? i could not live his life him! he made his choices & sadly paid the price of his poor decisions. certainly his care factor for me was zero – despite his protests to the contrary his actions said others. I know he’s dead now but so too is his mum. go have a cuppa w yr mum R & jog on. my house if not the AC ghost rest home. thanks for that. cheers. lol
love to all whose support i appreciate a lot x
Its all good yoghurt. Everything you say makes complete & perfect sense (right down to my former Flo Nightingale complex. Thank goodness I retired her! Fine as a job but not what I want in a relationshit!!) Thankyou for your kind words & it sounds like you handled your own situation wisely & beautifully! xx
It is us that keeps the door ajar for them , i guess its the empty days when im not at work and the kids at school , that do me in . I do manage half baked attempts and keeping busy i feel so foolish for being reeled in , my mm prob sensed i was heading for the door and turned up the heat , texting every day , taking me places being warm and effectionate but now he prob feels im back where i am and poof hes gone back to odd text a week and im left feeling despondant, stupid . i know deep in side whats going on and hes not all that why do iwaste my time over thinking living by a phone how sad for a educated person like me .
July 3, 2012
I met my ex boyfriend 6 years ago. When we first met I knew that he used to deal drugs and unfortunately in his mind that was all he could to take care of himself. I told him that in order for us to be together he had to get a real job. We moved in together and for a year and a half things seemed great. He was working and was also being a step dad to my son. When we moved down in the city area of where I lived everything changed. He quit working and had excuse after excuse why there wasn’t a job out there for him. We ended up moving out from each other and have been living separately for 2 and a half years. During those 2 and half years he went back to dealing drugs and really never came around. Right before we moved out from each other doctors found a tumor on my brain stem. My ex never went to the hospital with me and never was around when I had chemo. When I had my first surgery he came to me and said he couldn’t help me because he needed to get his life together. Now its like deja vu all over again. I recently had to have surgery again and his response this was time was we aren’t together so why does he need to be there for me. Iknow a great deal of people would read this and think I am nuts for even thinking bout this guy but I can not help but feel hopeless. How is it that someone who supposedly loved me at one point not be there for me when I first had surgery let alone now? He still is dealing drugs and I just don’t get why someone would want to deal drugs for a living and walk the streets than be with someone and have a family.
Hopeless, I am so sorry, hope you feel better? I noticed I always had guys for good times, but not when I really needed them (like fixing my shelf, or going to hospital appointment, moving home) They always found excuses, and sometimes I feel it is much better to do by myself than to rely on them…The answer to your question – your ex grown up man and lives his life as he pleased and does not need a family. I know it is very hard to let him go but he made a decision and he is not going to changed his mind (I had an ex few years back who used to take cocaine)
Let him go, he disappointed you so many times, you should think about yourself and your child….(((hugs)))
Thanks runnergirl. I feel like such a twit having to commit to not giving the GHOST of a dead exAC the time of day but it’s realy THAT bad. If I allowed it he would haunt me & play on my guilt (a throw back to the ol flo nightingale) for an eternity. Come on! I have a LIFE to get on with here & serious issues of my OWN which I NEED to focus on. Allowing myself to be waylaid by the ghost of an exAC would be serious self destructive behaviour & I just cant afford it – not if I don’t want to lose any MORE than I already have that is! (Sorry but I need to be giving myself this stern talking to right now because the damage left in the wake of this person was HUGE & I’m STILL picking up the pieces even now & far from out of the woods yet!)
I think I need a hug ladies. All of this avoiding giving the time of day to a GHOST for goodness sakes, on top of the shock of it all has left me a tad numb & unhinged. I look like I just stuck my finger in an electrical socket ie a crazy lady because umm, I don’t actually BELIEVE in ghosts (well I didn’t until now anyways
)
Hey Teachable,
Here’s a giant hug for you. Squeeeeeze. It must be terribly sad and such a shock even though you warned him that his ‘lifestyle’ was a big problem. Based on your comments, you did everything you could do except let him drag you and your son into his muck. That’s commendable. I actually thought a lot about your commitment to not giving the ghost of the deceased AC the time of day. I don’t think you are being a twit. He wasn’t good for you when he was alive as you have stated and he certainly isn’t going to be now. Thus, you have to focus on you and it would be self-destructive to do otherwise.
Your comment made me think about giving the ghost of my fantasy exMM the time of day. I know it’s not the same as the ghost of your deceased AC but it helped me to see that my fantasy is deceased. I know the passing of an individual you cared about is not the same and I do NOT mean to minimize the grief you are feeling surrounding his passing in any way, shape or form. The grief surrounding a loved on, albeit AC, must tremendous. Tomorrow is the 4th of July in the US and we usually spent the 4th together. I’ve been a bit sad this week and taking brief trips down memory lane until I realized (based on your comments) I was giving the ghost of my fantasy exMM the time of day even if only in my thoughts. I don’t know if this will help you. After reading your comments last night, I spent the day sitting with my fantasy ghost of 4th of July’s past (a reference to Dickens Christmas Carol-one of my favorites) sorting out what was reality from dreamer fantasy and saying good-bye to the fantasy. I really hope I haven’t offended you or anyone here. I apologize if I did. I do not mean any disrespect. You have suffered a great loss on top of what you already went through with this individual so it’s okay to feel unhinged.
I didn’t believe in ghosts until now either. For me, the ghost is in my head.
You’ll pick up the pieces, get out of the woods, and say good bye to his ghost. Here’s another giant hug. I hope I’ve articulated this carefully. I want to give you support and encouragement. xxoo
I haven’t been with ex in 3 months and I still feel hopeless. I met my ex 6 years ago and thought he was the one. When I met him he was dealing drugs and told him that in order to be in my life he had to get a real job. We moved in together and I thought everything was great. He was working, he was great to my son and for a year and a half it was everything I wanted. We moved down more in the city area and thats when it seemed like everything went south. My ex started hanging out with his old friends and quit his job and than had excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t work. I ended up getting sick and doctors found a tumor on my brain stem. I ended up having surgery and my boyfriend was no where to be seen. He came around saying to me he couldn’t be there for me because he needed to get his life together. He ended up coming back around after a few months. Than 6 months after that I decided we needed to live separately if he wasn’t going to be able to help me the way I needed. He went back again to dealing drugs and not once in the last 2 years since we have been living separately has he been there for me with chemo or surgery. He broke up with me again 3 months ago saying he needs to get his life together. I feel hopeless because how does someone who says they love me not even come around when I am sick and needed him the most. I also feel hopeless because I can guarantee he is sleeping with someone and that hurts because it feels like everything that has happened is because I became sick.
Dear Hopeless,
Yours is a long story and I am sorry to hear that you went through such major health issues without the support you hoped for.
If you’re new to BR then welcome; there are hundreds of articles here that will help answer your questions and soothe the pain; there are also articles that will push you to look inside yourself and ask why you accepted this degree of turmoil in your life.
Why in any scenario would a man who deals drugs seem like a good prospect for a life partner? You telling him he had to get a real job maybe changed his surface behaviour for a bit, but not the character qualities that had him dealing. Dealing drugs and living a party lifestyle is much ‘easier’ than being responsible to a partner and family. You saw the ‘real’ him when he went back to his original ways; he sounds like a very erratic person and not one whom a careful person would expect to be there for her through major trials.
If you can turn the sadness you feel into motivation to get some self-esteem and focus on you, you will soon find that losing this guy may be one of the best things that has happened to you. You deserve someone who supports you, especially when times are hard.
You’ll find lots of support here. (hugs)
thank you for your response. I think its hard for me right now because although I know its best to walk away I feel like he was the only person I could rely on at times and now waking up realized I couldnt really rely on him at all when it came to emotions. Financially he was there but that was it.
hopeless
“He still is dealing drugs and I just don’t get why someone would want to deal drugs for a living and walk the streets than be with someone and have a family.” Get a grip on reality. That’s what he wants to do. You can’t stop him.
What you want is not what he wants. This didn’t go wrong when you got sick, it went wrong when you decided that a drug dealer would make a good boyfriend.
“I feel hopeless because how does someone who says they love me not even come around when I am sick and needed him the most”. That’s easy. He doesn’t love you or your child.
Be grateful that he has gone. I get that you have likely isolated yourself from your friends and family in pursuit of this hopeless fantasy but there are charities who will help you. Get in touch with them.
I’ve known drug dealers, I’ve worked with lawyers who’ve represented drug dealers. They are amoral. They’re not poor mixed up guys who don’t know what they’re doing. They are calculating users and exploiters. Do not allow him to do it to you or to your child anymore, What’s he dealing? You could end up shot.
Ladies – WOW. Hitting the nails on the head – all of it. THANK YOU.
Therapy went very well (I go weekly), and yes, we are working on the father issues, not to mention my personal boundaries.
I’m working on so many things, and every day (just a couple days, but it’s a start!) I don’t engage with ExMM, I feel stronger. Just have to get past this Toxic-Detox.
I’m fully aware I am mourning a fantasy. I’ve lived in-between fantasy and reality my wole life (since the rape at 13). Realizing it, and working on it, is where I need to be, and I need to be patient with myself, but know I will get there.
It’s been years since I used, but this detox is, in many ways, so much harder than any drug I’ve gotten out of my system.
Then, there’s wanting to reach out to his wife. THAT’s a fantasy, but I am aware it’s just a way to stay engaged – and it would be horribly descructive. My guess is, she’ll find out eventually. Not my business. Still, my heart goes out to her – and that’s also from a place of massive GUILT. More issues to work on.
Thanks for being my ReHab.
And thank you Natalie, for providing us this safe place to land – and grow.
xxoo
Christine, there were days and weeks I fantasized about reaching out to my eum. But the more I didnt do it the better I felt and then I reached a point where I didnt think about it anymore and you will get there too. Trust me, if you reach out to the wife, you will be the one to suffer as I’m sure she already knows and is in denial or her own fantasy world as you were. I know this because I was the wife of a cheater and his ow reached out to me…I already knew something was going on, but I didnt think it was cool at all that she reached out to me, I treated her like dirt. Dont subject yourself to that. Everytime you have a weak moment read BR. I wish this site was around when I was going thru the scorned wife madness, it would have made my life easier.
Christine – to follow up your comparison to detox – I know that lots of people in their first months or years of recovery from substances go to meetings every day, sometimes twice a day, to keep them from using again. I have found BR to be a great place to come to, as often as I need, first to keep me from obsessing about the ex, and now to keep me positive and motivated to love myself and do a little work for myself every day. Hope you do, too.
Oh yes, and I was also thinking of you late last night … and thought about the issue of ‘privacy’ or one’s ‘inner boundaries.’ With your experiences, I wondered if you had considered all the ways that your most intimate self (both physically and spiritually) has not been treated like a precious thing that only you, and the very few people you share yourself with, know.
I thought about you writing about all your experiences on your blog – I was traumatized as a kid and have written two books of poems and many more pieces that take every intimate part of me and put it on show. People love it, they want to see me get raw and exposed, but they don’t understand that I never realized that I was sharing “all” of me with a bunch of strangers. I didn’t know where the centre of “all” of me was.
For me, the most intimate part of me was violated and neglected before I could put my own gentle gates in place and choose who to let in and out. I also wouldn’t have instinctively put those gates there, because that part of me was so scared that who would want to shut themselves in, alone, when one is in terror on the inside?
Lately I think only when the deepest, smallest self is not terrified, can she find out where her different walls – for strangers, acquaintances, friends, family and intimates – should be. For most of my life, if I needed to put up a wall / a boundary with someone, it was too painful, it felt like shutting myself in to a lonely awful place; so I lived with no boundaries, and kept to myself in order to have a sense of control over my privacy and inner safety while staying (unintentionally) emotionally wide open.
But as I have discovered, it’s no use being as emotionally open as 24-hr Hasty Market if one gets so pushed around by other peoples’ energy that I have to put two miles between me and other people whenever I want to stabilize.
Don’t know if that makes sense – I also danced a bit when I was young and thought the attention was awesome – had no idea what I was missing emotionally. To my mind, my early poetry was basically emotional stripping – so I thought I’d share my thoughts on discovering a relationship btw boundaries and my own value.
WAY off topic of this post!
That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
It might take awhile to get past him – even a couple of months! But once you do NC one time and fully come to grips with what was going on, the next time, it is a lot faster to get past it. Plus with a guy like that whom you NEED to be away from, NC is truly the only way. Many aspects of these non-relationships exist in our imagination. I have been so guilty of this….and some guys really know how to play into this.
The first time my ex boyfriend EUM left me unexpectedly and abruptly, I was totally devastated – for about 2 months (after 2 years with him, off and on). It was the first time in my life I experienced depression. He then came back, I took him back, and he left the relationship again a few months later. He just wasn’t wired inside to be able to be deeply and healthfully emotionally connected. There are reasons for this – not which justified his behavior, but which made me realize he never will be able to (hadn’t yet, in his 50-something life). Between the first time he left and the second, I’d been devouring posts on BR, seeking explanation for his puzzling behavior (didn’t even know what an EUM was ’til finding this site).
I like the audio tape version (the book is boring) of “It’s Called a Breakup Because it is Broken”, read by the authors. I’d listen driving around and parts made me laugh. Journalling helps. Support here helps a lot.
Be patient with yourself. NC is a clean break. Did you sign up for NML’s no contact E mails? These really help, too.
(cont.)….I forgot to add – so after having read BR and getting a handle on what had happened, and become strong again – the next time he left I was NOT devastated. I let go and NC’d him for 10 mos. And during that time I totally healed and got past him. (He was my DREAM man, too. If I could order a man, it would be just like him – BUT – with his emotional availability intact. That made it tough as he was so appealing – addictive, really.)
If I would have reached out to him at all during that time, I would have been so emotionally vulnerable I guarantee I would have been hurt all over again. Don’t do it.
Christine,
I just read your previous posts and I have to say Man, what an asshole!!
It´s going to take a while for you to get angry at that condescending hypocrite MM so I´m getting angry in your behalf for now.
Of course, I´ve done the same thing – questioned myself when I should´ve been mad with an AC, feeling like a victim because of someone who was unworthy of me. The thing that works for me now, is I ask myself what if it was my daughter who was being treated like that by some guy, how would I feel? I find I get all protective and the focus shifts on me, instead of on all the BS these morons feed us.
Omg. Loved this post …..haven’t posted for a long while ….as I thought I was with ” Mr available ” ….last 8 months ….man what is wrong with my ” flagometer “….. Decided to go NC ..after nats advice ….after the next shitty thing he does…..actually was it 2nd, 3rd 4th……( yawn ) …shitty thing …..
We had been booked to see Coldplay at the Emirates since last august ( we were just friends when it was booked )
He cancelled…stating other committments …err….and I dont want this big event to look like anything else …errr wtf ???….. Last time I saw him he had his tongue in my mouth ….and hands else where ….and we where ” together ” …he just forgot to mention he’d changed his mind !!!
Why I gave him the time of day after that is beyond me !!!! My sister …coughed the word ” arse ” ….everytime his name came up after that ….
Anyway ….I owed him 50 quid …. So I put it through his door….. Saying ” hi handsome ( a name always addressed him with ) ….here is your money. Thanks.
I got such a strong reaction … Why did you do that .!!! Blah blah blah….err because you said I owed you money and you wanted it before the end of June…
He lives with someone else’s family…..said they might open his mail…..and he would have been bloody livid with me ??!!!
This apparently all about me…..and I only ever wanted his money
( what 50 quid ) …..this coming from a very wealthy man…..who told me I could always ask for anything ..” and it wasn’t a control thing??!!
After I asked why such an extreme reaction ( not the first by a long shot ) …I mentioned he had not kept many of his words to me ……
His reaction was wtf ???
Well I could list them….but with him….I couldn’t be arsed anymore..
The biggies…..I know how badly let down you where by your husband…let go…trust me I will never let u down.
Even if we werent physical….I will always be on your team, be your friend..
And the small stuff…..Paris , sending my kids to centre parks, taking my daughter shopping, Cornwall, ..blah blah etc etc etc……yuck .
Yes!!! Ladies I don’t appear to have learnt yet !!! But this round I’m not crying into my wine….I feel strangely peacefull, free, and relieved !! Is that normal ??
No chance of breaking NC …the stories on here really help. Thanks
Jeez, Fitnessfreak, my nerves are frazzled just reading your post
I feel strangely peacefull, free, and relieved !! Is that normal ??
———–
I think it is, moreso, after hanging out on BR for awhile and reading the other stories. Easier to call it for what it is and move on.
That sounds intense, what you went through. Good job staying strong.
I feel the same as Fearless!
I think you should be honest with yourself. The detail in your post shows you are far from free of this man and not in a peaceful place. Please do not delude yourself, or you may end back up in the same place,
Time to address what brought you here, so you do not repeat!!!!!
Fearless, Runnergirl, cc and others on BR.
I just wanted to mark one week NC by extending my thanks yet again. So sorry if I sound like a broken record with all this thanking, but your ideas and support really are helping me beyond belief, to stop giving the exMM the time of day.
Fearless, I hope you are right that one year from now, I won’t know how I stomached all his crap.
Runnergirl – congrats on one year NC!
Christine – I am right there with you in this new NC!
Amazing!!!
Thanks runnergirl. I really needed that hug. I really did. Not just because of the shock my AC passing away – although it IS a shock – I seem to have moved quite quickly into the anger stage of the grieving process. Not so much anger that he is dead. That came very early. Instead I’m back to the tired old nugget of anger athow badly I ALLOWED him to treat me – something prior to learning of his passing I felt resolved about. I don’t know why his passinh has triggered that up again – I suspect because deep down I held out vague hope that he might return one day, a changed man, to make a genuine amends. Now that wont happen so I’m left with memoroes of a man I once loved as nothing more than a user & abuser
It’s very sad. Mostly for him because he lost his life & will now be remember bt someone who was so close to him in such a way. I can’t really afford to indulge in ‘fantasy thinking’ about what a ‘great guy’ he was ‘underneath his problems’. That may or may not be so. I never the chance to find out. No more time of day for Ms Dreamer & the Fantasy Relationship she HOPED to one have with him here. End of.
I have so many OTHER things going on right now. IMPORTANT things. UNI exams. I must FOCUS. I’m still very physically ill. More than ever. I’ve had to register with student disability services. I don’t sleep at night like normal ppl do b.cuz of my physical health problems – ever. Now is the WORST of times to get this news. I’ve known for about 10 days now so I’ve had that time to process the news. I’ve had a session w my counsellor about it. Hours on the phone with one one friend about it. A couple of calls to a grief phone line about it. A two hour call with his sister about. A number of posts on B.R about it. NUMEROUS hauntings at my home where I have discussed what happened & how we both feel about it with each other directly in my home (these have eased off SUBSTANTIALLY since my NC committment to not give his ‘ghost’ the time of day ie he still ‘appears’ to me visually in my head but then when I don’t enagage him he goes away. Sometimes he storms off in a huff. lol. Othertimes he just quietly quietly wanders off. I feel so sad typing this btw. As if he’s lost somehow & that’s why he keeps hanging around
). In short; I’ve done all I can to process this right now. The final thing I can perhaps do is go to the place we…
met. There is a church there & light a candle a candle for him. I’ve realised I need to forgive him. Not for him – but for me. I try to be a kind & compassionate person. What sort of compassion am I showing by resenting a dead person?
He may have been an AC, & he WAS an AC make no mistake about that, but also he had ‘issues’. In essence he made poor choices in life but did the best he could with what he knew. That can happen to anyone. It’s still NO EXCUSE for being an AC but sometimes that’s the way it is.
I dont know when I will I go to the church but I think I need to. I’m not religious but it feels like the right thing to do. I need to help him be at peace – because he died suddenly – (nothing ominous – simple heart failure) so as an unexpected death (to him at least – not to me of course) he was was not at peace (which is why I think he has been haunting me ). MORE importantly, I need to find peace. I really do. I am very very tired…and I NEED this to be over so I can finally be free to start a new chapter in my life.
Teachable, don’t worry about compassion for him.
Start with yourself, and forgiving yourself, and the feelings will naturally extend out to him.
I find that the easiest way for me is to move into curiosity and ask myself questions. “What would it feel like/be like if I could turn all that compassion on me right now?”, “if I could feel forgiveness and compassion for myself the way I know I have for others in the past, what would be different/how would I feel/what would that be like right now?”
Sometimes I have started with, “I don’t even know what it would be like to forgive or feel compassion for me, and maybe it seems like a bad idea and I shouldn’t let myself off the hook cuz God only knows what kind of horrible person I might become if I stop beating myself up (because in my mind, constant self-punishment was the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer, lol), but I’m open to the possibility. I’m willing to at least give it a try because I notice that beating the snot out of myself with my thoughts and emotions isn’t actually working to make me a better person or improving my life and my character, I notice that it’s actually making me sick and miserable. I can always go back to the old way if this whole “compassion for myself” thing turns out to be a bunch of useless hoopla.”
Sunshine
all you know is that what you have been doing so far is a bunch of useless hoopla – so I wouldn’t worry about trying things a different way o that account. Also compassion for others does not mean you can’t have compassion for yourself, or vice versa. It’s perfectly possible (and healthy) to do both. The incessant self-flagellation thing doesn’t benefit you or anyone else.
I’m sorry Teachable, this must be a terribly difficult and confusing time. You should remember the good and the bad in him because that is the whole person. Good bits and bad bits. I think sometimes we are so focused on getting real about them that we forget that they are just people with strengths and weaknesses and we can have good memories as well as painful ones. Keep well x
Allison
Thanks for your comments…. The truth is I WAS deluded for the past 6 months probably….but it was the last shitty thing that made me wake up….he,was not as obvious as some other EUMs and flew lower under the radar.
You are right I am not free of this man …..which is why I have gone NC….and I do feel very peacefull and freer not worrying how I will respond if I hear from him. Or if I should get in touch. nc took away those decisions.
Thanks tho.
I want that SO much Sunshine. I really do. I just got off the phone to a friend where I managed to identify that I felt I needed ‘to forgive myself’. That was as far as I got. She said what for, you’ve done nothing wrong? I agreed. Then I said I felt I needed to ‘forgive him for being such an AC these past few years’ (in the relationship 20 yrs ago he wasn’t perfect – EU perhaps although in my early 20′s I was not yet developed enough to be able to recognise this) – but more of a ‘loveable larrikan’ type who wouldn’t (at least on purpose), hurt a fly. This time was (& it pains me deeply to say this as it points to the severity of the deterioration of his character), well, lets just say he was different. He KNEW how terribly he was hurting me but he just didn’t care. It took a long time for me to reconcile the loving man I’d once known with the cretin he’d now become. It was all so confusing. Anyway. More fool me on that one.
My friend explained to me that it’s ok for me to have many DIFFERENT & MIXED emotions of how I feel about him (& myself) now that it’s all over. That helped A LOT. So maybe one part of me can mourn the kind man I once loved 20+ years ago, another can be relieved that I will never again encounter abuse at the hands of the AC I came to know more recently, whilst still another can be sad for the wonderful man I knew he had the potential to be, if only he’d listened & learned to make better choices.
With regards to compassion there’s something about what you said that has hit me very strongly. The reaction in my body immediately bought on Oprah’s ‘ugly cry’. I’m scared to even go there. I’m frightened that if I open the box & peek inside my whole world is gunna just fall apart & crumble. Despite everything I’ve done to try to deal with this the best as I can – at least until after my exams – I’m very aware I’m holding it ALL in. My best friend left to go o.seas the day BEFORE I got the news. Under normal circumstances I’d have stayed w her a few days while I found my bearings but ths not an option. She’s away for three weeks & supported me through the breakup. She was the one I went to, to help me delete his second last email to me with his number in it asking me to call (I didnt). When she gets back I will open the lid just a crack & see what happens because at least someone will be here to catch me if I fall…
I just signed up for Natalie’s No Contact E Course. Thanks for the suggestion.
I am determined to do this.
Much love to you all.
xxoo
A very helpful system of advice that Nat has created for us! Hand in on this blog, Christine, you’ll soon reach a place where thinking of your ex will bring only derivatives of the word “arse” to mind!
Meantime I will try a variation on yr theme. I will try being kind to myself. Little tiny baby steps each day of just being kind to myself. And every time my heart sinks, (as it does A MILLION times a day when I remember he really is gone & never coming back), I will quiety say to myself, ‘you did everything you possibly could Teachable, & his dealth was his journey & is NOT your fault’. I have this terrible feeling that THAT is what this is really all about. Why I don’t seem to be doing so well at letting go. Because even though intellectually I understand this is not mt fault, there is a little voice like the devil somewhere that whispers, ‘yes it is, if only you had returned his call/flown up & got him like u’d wanted to/insert any one of a number of other hair brained ideas…’
No amount of logic seems to counter this irrational thinking. That’s what makes it so irrational. I wonder what compassion would even look like to a woman so riddled with guilt that she metaphorically speaking left another to die in order to save her own life. It’s such a heavy burden to bear. I can feel the weight even as I type. I wish there was a way not to give this irrational thinking the time of day except it’s not even a thought. It’s much much deeper than that. When my exams are over I might go & get some serious trama therapy because now that I think of it, actually, this has really been pretty darned tramatising. I feel like a survivor of the Titantic. Except I’m suposed to be happy I survived right? But what if your beloved went down with the ship? Then how would one feel. Very confused I suspect just like me
Chrintine, when a man tells you that you deserve so much better, believe him.
Hang on. Something has just hit me Sunshine
Do you mean forgive myself as in ‘what if I hadn’t become ill with my own physical health issues which severely limited my mobility, thereby causing me to – in my view – somewhat prematurely – ‘run out of steam’ & not be able to fly interstate to sort things out with him in person (like I desperately wanted to, but my body simply would not permit), BEFORE THE END CAME FOR HIM, AN ACTION WHICH MAY VERY WELL HAVE SAVED HIS LIFE (the heart failure was drug related)…
So, what if I was able to forgive myself for THAT? Basically, for getting sick at the wrong time & not being able to fight for the life of someone who despite it all, I still DID love very much?
Do you mean what if I was able to have compassion for MYSELF for that? If that’s what you mean, I never thought of it like that before. I don’t really even know what that would look like…
Do you think I’m on the right track here or am I heading down a dead end?
teachable, I do believe you are on to something there…
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” ~ Lily Tomlin
It sounds to me like you could stand to appreciate and thank your body for refusing to allow you to go down with a sinking ship!
For 23 years, my mind endlessly ruminated either consciously or in the background, about the death of my newborn son. Coulda shoulda woulda…I blamed myself and beat myself up mercilessly for over TWENTY-THREE YEARS. I would wake up every morning thinking about it and fall asleep every night thinking about it.
Just over a year ago was the first morning I woke up and for the VERY first time started thinking, “it couldn’t have happened any other way, it happened and it was perfect and I couldn’t control it and that’s okay and I can accept it.”
I sobbed for hours and it was like a light coming on. There was no one thing or even a hundred things I could have done, it was the culmination of an infinite number of events going back through time to the very beginning of EVERYTHING and fit into a bigger scheme. My baby was dead and the world kept spinning and I was alive and that was just the way of it and I didn’t have to understand it or make sense of it. I finally could let myself off the hook and stop blaming myself for and trying to change the past, and allow myself to live and be happy again.
Sunshine,
I am so sorry about your little boy. There is no greater loss than the loss of a child. That is very hard thing to bear. Hugs to you x
Mymble, thank you. Can you believe nobody has ever said that to me? I’m in tears.
I also feel uncomfortable and ashamed. I feel that in wanting to relate to teachable that I inadvertently revealed too much and turned the focus on me. Out of respect for teachable and BR I’d appreciate it if the commentary on my experience ends here, especially as it’s gone so far off topic.
Sunshine, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your baby boy, but I’m glad that you have managed to find peace. I recently lost my baby and every waking moment since has been spent thinking about what I could have done to prevent it. I feel incredibly guilty as I spent the first few weeks of my pregnancy crying because I didn’t want the pregnancy. As time went on that changed and I wanted him very much. Being treated so cruelly by the baby’s father has added to my pain. I’m maintaining NC, but I’ve spent the best part of this week angry with the ex, angry at myself and still desperately upset over the loss of my baby. Yesterday, I started to calm down and thought I was starting to accept it all. I stopped feeling so angry and for the first time in months got a tiny, tiny glimpse of a less painful future, but now I’m having a weak moment. For some reason or another I want to reach out and contact the ex! The man who showed barely any emotion, but sent me a cheque after losing the baby with a post-it note saying I needed a holiday. What’s wrong with me? Am I scared to let go? How can I forgive myself for what happened when I created it all in the first place and my baby was the innocent victim.
What if you could ask better questions?
What’s right with you?
What if what you wanted to say to the unavailable guy was something you needed to hear for yourself?
What if you had the courage to let go, what would that be like?
How can you NOT forgive yourself? You are only human, subject to change and frailties and mistakes and confusion and all manner of vulnerability!
How does it honor your baby in any way to continue to suffer when he is at peace?
What if you could forgive yourself and had your baby’s blessing?
What if you could go on with your life and nothing about being happy now dishonors the pain of the past or diminishes it in any way?
What if forgiving yourself only made your loss and the pain *more* meaningful and not less?
What if letting go and forgiving yourself gave you the space and peace you needed to actualize and live out the wisdom gained so that you can be a beacon for others? (Especially thinking of Natalie here…if she were wallowing in shame and self-punishment for her crappy relationships in the past, BR wouldn’t exist!)
Sunshine, instead of beating myself up and reaching out for more pain (contacting the EUM), I spent this morning writing down answers to your questions and the insight I’m gaining is invaluable. My feelings of guilt and loss keep playing over again because I want things to be different. Perhaps I need to try to accept that there was nothing I could have done and begin the process of healing myself. Thank you so much for taking the time to help a stranger and the best thing is I’m still NC.
sunshine-
i’m late to this part of the thread, but i want to offer you my deepest condolences and my deepest respect. what you have turned this felling experience into is humbling, beautiful and, most of all, correct.
all my heart to you. and the little one smiling down on you.
Ooooohhh!!! I just saw these responses and am bubbling over!!
I burst into joyful, grateful laughter reading these…thank you thank you thank you!
I have gotten so much amazing feedback in just the past two weeks online and in ‘real’ life I feel like every horror I’ve experienced is being made right through grace and I’m coming into my own, true purpose.
Lilly, how courageous and brave and strong of you to stop in the midst of the current of all of that emotion and move into curiosity and wonder!
cc as I read your comment I did burst into tears and felt my little one close to me, whispering, “now do you see? it all serves a greater purpose.”
Our deepest wounds can be our greatest teachers. May all of our life’s wisdom, and compassion for ourselves and others continue to blossom, flourish and mature.
Thanks Polly. I appreciate your kind words xxx
I’ve let myself down again. I was done with him and finally left it alone. Then he finds me out on the road twice, pulls up next to me, blows me a kiss. Then gets me on IM at work to say he’s “missing me hardcore”. I explain how i dont want to get myself attached again for him to once again blow me off for someone else. He tells me we need to start spending time together. He asks if he can stop by to visit after his game. I say ok.
Two hours in bed and the next day he’s promptly back to pushing me back to arms length. Haven’t heard from him now in 6 days. Seriously he could not care less what he does to hurt me. I guess he just wants to know he has me there in his back pocket. I hate myself.
Dragonfly, if you’re going to hate anyone, at least hate him because it will ensure that you don’t wind up in his bed again. Ever. I mean, seriously, who hasn’t been sucked in by (and hurled themselves at), a slimey, slippery, scheme-y, persuasive ex? There’s more people who have fallen for this shite than haven’t. Get angry and the next time you feel remotely tempted to engage with this clown, remember today. You made a mistake – big deal! Why be so hard on yourself? LEARN from this experience – never trust an asshole that has the brass balls to blow you kisses after you cut him off and then IM’s you into the sack.
Amen! My ex-AC definitely had brass balls and I am beyond pissed at my last encounter with his assholery. It keeps me from still wanting his attention as I had in the past.
I’m none too pleased with myself for allowing him to suck me back in multiple times but I know that the AC is the bad actor in the drama. If I don’t ever engage again, there can be no new pain. Lesson finally learned.
Thanks for the support. Yea. I know he’s just trying to keep me on his hook. He doesn’t want to be with me properly but can’t let me go either. The really stupid thing is that i KNOW he’s not even someone i would be compatible with long term anyhow. I really wish that i had never let the friendship progress further. He should have been just another casual friend at work. Nothing more. Aahhhhh..hindsight!
Oh Sunshine. Im so sorry for the terrible loss of your little baby. That must be the most difficult thing a person could ever have to face. And here I am fussing over a 50 yo grown man! I feel so silly!
I would say I cant imagine what that might be like, and one way I cant, but in another I ALMOST can. My unborn child was willfully murdered in utero by a violent partner when I was only a young 15 yo girl. It was horiffic. Only now, 28 years later have I finally found the courage to report it to the police to try to find justice for the unborn child and I. But still, my child was unborn, so it was still not yet a child as such. Yours though was a new born and do blaming yourself for such an awful thing which I’m sure was not yur fault at all, must have such a heavy burden.
I still have a long way to go here. I think I must be still in shock. I’m noticing time alone once the essentials are done is when my mind wanders. In the coming days my study routine will kick in hard core so hopefully it will be pushed to the back of my mind. I dont know HOW to fogive myself. Plus I really need to get the exam out of the way as priority number one, and by that time at least my bestie will have returned from o.seas. I’m so waiting for that to happen. Still holding it all in I guess. Not much else I feel I can really do.
Thankyou for sharing your story with me. It touched me deeply. A gain I’m so sorry you’ve had such a traumatic experiece, but grateful you found the courage to use to offer some hope to someone like me, a mere stranger in cyber space no less. I feel very priviledged. XXX (((((((((( huge hugs)))))))))))