One of my best friends from college got engaged last year. I’m very happy for him because his fiancée is a highly intelligent, successful and attractive woman. So, where is this column going today? Am I going to write about the fact that all of my women friends have been married for years? Or they’re married and divorced. Or they’re married and divorced and married. And now all of my male friends are all embarking on their first marriages, yet here I am, still reveling in my original singleness? Hell no.
What I want to talk about is the wedding invitation that I received from said friend and fiancée that was addressed to “Ms. NYM.†What’s wrong with that you ask? In order for us to answer that, let’s take a look at the wedding details…
1. The wedding will be taking place in the bride’s hometown.
2. Her hometown is not NYC. In order to attend the wedding, NYC residents will have to stay overnight in said hometown.
3. I know the groom very well.
4. I know the groom’s sister from college, but haven’t spoken to her or seen her since 1994.
5. I have met his fiancée on only about 4 different occasions.
6. I have met a few of his friends once or twice.
7. My friend made an aborted attempt to fix me up with his grad school roommate in 1997.
So, basically, I’m an insignificant acquaintance to most of the guests who will be at the Wedding. I am an almost ex-girlfriend to another guest. The one person I do know well, will be playing a starring role and will therefore not be available to entertain me. I will have to rent a car, drive (which I haven’t done since 2001) several hours, and stay overnight.
Why is any of this significant? Because I was invited to attend the wedding without a guest. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m always up for an adventure. This wedding could turn out to be the most fantastic time of my life. But the prospect of having to put so much hard work into trying to enjoy myself after traveling three states away to help my friend celebrate his wedding is just not appealing. If the wedding were here in NYC, I would jump at the chance to attend.
The larger question is “why?†Why did these betrothed feel it was acceptable to invite a single person to an out of town wedding without a guest? Maybe they’re just expecting me to decline and send a gift, which is what I will be doing (toaster or waffle maker?). Maybe they couldn’t afford another plate, or didn’t want to waste a plate on some random person whom I might bring.
I guess it’s a bit awkward…what to do with single people. We’re a large, very productive percentage of society. Yet, somehow, not quite part of society at all because we don’t come in a pair.
All of their married friends, and their friends with partners were invited as couples. Inviting an un-married woman without a guest is the same as when a family makes the lone, un-married adult in the family sit at the kids’ table on Thanksgiving.
What is the etiquette surrounding singles? Should they be treated as full-fledged members of society, or should they be treated as tall children until they conform to the rest of society and take a partner?
I will be exploring this issue at length in the coming weeks.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Hmm. That is a difficult situation. I have been in it before, and when it doesn’t say “and guest,” I don’t go. Who wants to go to something like that by themselves?! Yawn.
I say go and make a spectacle of yourself. Get drunk, fall into the wedding cake, etc.
How about you call the person who invited you and say, “Hey, I noticed you didn’t write ‘and guest’ on the invite, but I’d like to bring someone. Is that cool?”
If they say no, then send them a gift card for some housewares shop and don’t attend.
Maybe they want you to come on your own because they have other singletons there that they’d like you to meet….?
I agree with Stuckey to a point… Call and ask if it’s cool to bring someone and if they say no, then just send a card without attending.
I would not send a gift or a giftcard.
If it was just some accident or mistake that they didn’t put “and guest” on there OK then, but if it was intentional then it was just rude.
How rude! This gives me outrage, I feel personally insulted by your own story (as a single, single woman).
This teaches me two things,
1) I want to have a very small wedding, although I don’t know this groom yet, so we’ll see when the dream day arrives. But I think I’ll add, “plus guest on request” to the invitations (perhaps just for certain people). Yes, this is unheard of, but I’m very interested in not doing things traditionally.
2) I have to make sure the groom and I get to know each other’s guests very well before The Day. I don’t even want a single person at my wedding whom I don’t know well enough to personally invite, so maybe we’ll meet with all the dates, too.
Hmm, I’m difficult, it could add to this Single Girl Problem.
Inviting a single person without the option of bringing a guest is rude, insulting and just plain uncouth.
Forgo the gift, send a card and stay home.
Never waste time and don’t be left alone, have someone to love and venture searching your real love. I suggest you go to webdatedotcom and find out that there’s someone for you there also looking for you. Might be… before the wedding you already got someone to bring along.
I wouldn’t go. I’d send a nice present instead. That is waaaaay too much effort especially since she’s not going to have any time for you and you don’t have anyone to amust yourself with. Although, you might meet a dishy grooms man or waiter at the shindig. Oh wait, I forgot you are on a hiatus! oh well.
Very useful and interesting site, thanks!