I feel for you. What a nightmare to have to work with him every day. I was once involved with an ass at work as well infact he was my boss and I fell really hard for him. He ended up getting promoted to another department and started a relationship with another woman who was more his “equal” in the organization. I got to watch their entire relationship develop it was the most PAINFUL thing I have ever experienced. I ended up changing jobs to get away from the whole nightmare. He eventually married this woman now years later… but he still thows out bait to me probably once a month to see if I still think about him. What a DICK !

I’m not talking smack about him at work. I’m just acting how I usually do (folks will notice without me saying a word) But with him … he could be a ghost for all I care. For my sanity, I feel like I have to pretend he doesnt exist.

I cant tell you how many, many times he’s ended it and I thought it was really over for him – only to have him come back and pretend that he didnt say things that killed me (like, really annie, i need to be looking for someone to marry). This time feels the most painful yet and I think it’s because I know it is really over … for me.

I never completely closed the door – always hoped that he would see value in me and come back. He did come back – but it was because he missed me and was lonely, NOT because he realized he wanted me for real. This time feels different. This time hurts more. I hope it’s because I am finally done, have closed the door and will move on without him in my life. You all are such a great help to me. Thank you.

With the bozo you need to be polite and “business professional” – and make yourself one *clear* boundary about no personal or intimate stuff at work. I would be willing to bet a donut that some colleague of friend of his will make a play for you – just in case he gets lucky and picks you up on the rebound. Over time the dust will settle, and if you are consistent, professional, polite, and discreet – it will mostly blow over.

And, in time, it may even get more comfortable.

Remember that “friends” and “competition” tend to trade places in the office. Don’t feel it is OK to tell anyone off. “That’s personal. Can we get back to the topic?” and “No” work well.

Honey, rise above this…. with grace and dignity. Be DONE with this ass. No scene, no confrontation, just look right through him if you have to look at him and never in the eye. Stand taller, tell your self that you have confidence to rise above. Know that you are done with this ass, don’t talk to anyone at work about it, be really really nice to everyone. Its all going to be ok take a deep breath and know that you deserve so much better than an idiot who would treat you so shabbily. The best revenge is living better, looking better, smiling more, and letting your inner beauty shine through which will be much easier without him dragging you down on an emotional roller coaster. Pull yourself together and be the queen. You are going to be ok.

I am sorry, I must of misunderstood your question at the end of your post…Gail

I got to the point where I could not bear to wait for one more unanswered text or one more phone call that comes on his terms, or one more email that does not come till he was ready to respond. I could not take the pain any more thats where I found my strength in not being able to handle any more stress and pain. Find it girlfriend! This guy is eating the best part of you up. I too am in my 40′s life is getting very short.

The pain is what keeps me in NC I could not bear to respond to a text only to not have it returned. I could not write an email only for him to treat me with NC. Now I have the upper hand for once I am in control and he will go to the grave without me in his life.

aamof, just last week he was on the verge of ending it (again) He had nothing positive to say about us being together. He said we werent supposed to be together, it was wrong, it was unfair to me b/c he could never give me what I wanted from him – all I wanted was for him to love me back. He told me i deserved better … so when I said, well, if i deserve better, I guess this is over. then he comes back with – but I dont want to lose you – let’s calm down and I will think this over … so i waited. I did not sleep for a week

– and you know what? he never mentioned it again. just kept on like nothing had happened. Meanwhile, wht am I doing? Nothing. I’m still where I always was – nowhere. well, this weekend i think I put the final nail in the coffin. I had a complaint – and that usually leads to a break-up. I wont even get into what it was b/c it was trivial, but it was me “demanding” attention and he just cannot handle it. soo, now he’s not speaking to me. Our main form of communication was IMing thruout the day – he hasnt been back on since he signed off on me Friday.

My usual approach would be to ask him what was going on – then it gives him the opportunity to let me go. I dont want to do that this time. I want to be stronger than that. I’m not strong enough to end it myself, so I guess I’ll be quiet until he does it. I know I should not be upset or sad, or even suprised that this is over, but I am. I find it so hard to wrap my brain around a 40-something yo woman beating herself up over something that is obviously so wrong. How did I let myself get this low? Eh, sorry this got so long. I had to tell somebody and I know you all will understand and not judge me as being weak. Thanks for listening.

When my relationship started with my EUM I did have boundaries, I confronted him on them and was strong. Or so I thought. That was in the beginning, but somewhere over time (2 yrs later) he just kept being the person he was, an EUM, and his behavior did not change. But I was the one who kept changing for him, and over time my self-esteem dwindled to almost nothing. I was an insecure, unhappy person, and I craved his attention but yet when I got his attn I would feel worse than I had before getting any of his attn.

So the point here, which is the substantial piece in all this is: Set your boundaries, let the other person know about them, call them out if needed and make them clear. Then by all means stick to them, enforce them within yourself, and if the person violates them again, take the appropriate steps to keep yourself safe. Don’t let these EUM’s continue to manipulate, intimidate, lie, make up excuses, etc. If you mean what you say (re: boundaries) then act upon it, because we all know actions speak louder than words. Don’t give them 20 chances to change, don’t accept crumbs, and don’t try to change the EUM.

I spent 2 yrs trying to be something my EUM wanted, but it didn’t change the relationship, or him. It changed me, it made me someone of whom I wasn’t too proud of, instead of holding my head high and feeling good about who I am. I looked down on myself and isolated myself from the real people who cared about me.

Boundaries are a learned attribute, especially if you haven’t had any.
I know, I didn’t either until approximately 2 months ago, when I started counseling with what I now call my Life Coach.
When I was initially asked what my boundaries were, I could only come up with three and they weren’t relevant one iota as to what was acceptable or not acceptable in the get go, I didn’t know. Sad but true.
2 months later, I am finally getting it all by looking back into my personal past, by looking at all of my past relationships and what was the common theme between them, comparing them and seeing Red Flags now that I should have known years ago but only realize now.
I have written these down and they are starting to comprise my list of boundaries, what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior, what feels good and what doesn’t.
This is an ongoing process and I am still learning about myself, when to jump ship and not expend my energy on an assclown, EUM, narcissitic jerk, or any combination of these.
By setting boundaries (your Red Flags that don’t feel good from the get go) will interfere with your emotional attachment to someone before it’s too late and you’re hooked, in my opinion, I see that now.
Read NML’s book, read the post on “How to Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men” and “Recognizing Things About Yourself In the Men You Profess to Love”, then think about whether any of this strikes a cord with you.
This would be a good place to start….Gail