Recently when speaking and corresponding with readers, I’ve been emphasising the importance and impact of the dynamics of your relationship.

As I’ve said again and again, we teach one another how to treat us and what to expect with the use (or absence) of boundaries, and as we engage with each other and time passes, the relationship dynamics get built around what we have consciously and subconsciously come to understand is the ‘norm’ for the relationship.

It takes two people for a relationship and as many of you have already learned, no matter how much you try, you can’t do all the loving, changing, and committing from the two of you, as eventually you’ll not only feel exhausted and emotionally kaput, but it’ll feel like your trying to drag a lamb to the slaughter.

Whilst in some instances, a partner can be incredibly duplicitous and keep their real selves hidden, more often than not, we can be complicit in facilitating the other person’s behaviour. It’s rarely ‘out of the blue’; we just weren’t looking or fell asleep on relationship duty.

There’s no getting away from the fact that, for instance, as women we can be involved with guys that are complete assclowns or mucking us around with their emotional unavailability, but this doesn’t change the fact that we have our own contribution to the relationship and this helps to create the dynamic between you both.

One person in the relationship doesn’t create the dynamic; you both do.

Human interaction is based on two things – acceptance and rejection. When someone does something that you know is not appropriate for your relationship, accepting it conveys a message to the other party, even if you initially say something different.

Assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s in particular take their cues from what you don’t do and because women don’t tell them to take a run and jump, they get to believe that they can’t be that bad because if they were really awful, surely the woman in question would leave and they’d be repelling women.

Too add to your woes, the fact that other women have previously accepted their crap behaviour can end up making things even more difficult for you.

They rationalise previous girlfriends/wives acceptance and say ‘Well June and Sally and Jennifer and Elaine and bla bla bla didn’t have a problem with it’, totally glossing over the fact that these women also got fed up with their behaviour and that these relationships didn’t actually work out.

You were both individuals before you met one another. You have pasts, baggage, and your own patterns that you’re catering to. You then meet one another and the likelihood is that if you stick around, it’s because the other person vibrates with patterns of behaviour and relationship that you are used to. For example – drama and fearing abandonment.

You might choose someone who needs a lot of fixing because it let’s you be in control, even though you might later complain that you would prefer him to step up. Of course when he does, that won’t fit well with you because it will feel out of control, so it’s a catch 22.

After a while, when you can no longer hide the fact that there are some serious issues in your relationship, it will feel like you are both trying to get one another to your ‘point of view’. The only problem is that he’s trying to get you over to his and because there isn’t the real common ground of a committed relationship, one of you (normally him) will end up being the far too powerful one that holds the powerbase and dictates how things will roll.

For instance, when you find yourself with someone who blows hot and cold and manages down your expectations, you fall into a pattern of creating drama but also he is no longer the pursuer because you become it.

Aside from the lack of boundaries in relationships, I have often talked about the issue of denial and living off illusions rather than dealing with reality.

One of the fundamental things that will keep you in a poor relationship facilitating a dodgy dynamic is resistance.

You might be resisting letting go.

You might be resisting accepting the reality of who he is or your relationship.

You might be resisting information that he’s told you.

You might be resisting making a decision.

You might be doing all of these things and more.

Resistance creates the struggle in the relationship and ends up making you complicit in their behaviour.

One woman told me that because she resisted accepting the reality of the relationship and the pain of his lies, it just opened her up to more lies and deceit because he knew that he could get away with being a liar because her desire to believe was greater than her desire to accept the truth, take action, and live a better real life elsewhere.

What I do know is that you both know that there is a pattern to your relationship and I bet if you sit down and think about all of the discussions, ultimatums, break ups, make up sex, nights waiting by the phone etc, there is a consistent pattern.

I had a friend who I could plot her relationship like clockwork. She’d ditch him and I knew that almost 24 hours to the button, he’d be knocking on the door. She’d tell him to p*ss off, he’d go home, then he’d call a few times, he’d come back and knock on her door, and within 36 hours it would be back on. Of course when she told him to get lost the final time he didn’t believe it. But that time she did, but it took months and a new boyfriend for it to sink in that this time, the dynamic wasn’t playing out. In fact, the dynamic no longer exists because she has moved on.

A reader said to me recently that when she broke down it was because she thought that the last argument she had with her guy was the usual thing. Only this time it wasn’t and they didn’t make up after 24 hours; he started sleeping with a woman that lived up the street.

Look at the things that frustrate you about your relationship – how do you facilitate it?

If it annoys you, for instance, that he calls up and expects you to pick up from where you left off, is this because you pick up the phone? Respond to his texts? Ask him to meet up?

If it annoys you that he keeps telling lies – You’re facilitating by refusing to accept that he and the truth don’t mix. You’re expecting him to be different and denying the reality.

Piece together the dynamics of your relationship so you can understand not only what makes you tick in the relationship but so that you can understand what you need to do to either change things…or get out.

Your thoughts?

Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service. Don’t forget, you can now use the forum and social network to chat with other readers. Follow Baggage Reclaim on Twitter too.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
First Name * Email *

31 Responses to Do you understand the dynamics of your relationship?

  1. Mary C says:

    An eye opener, I’ve been dealing with an assclown for over 10yrs. He cheated but stupid me was the fallback girl until a few weeks ago. I read something from this site everyday, it really helps me maintain no contact.

  2. you are so rite. im from the forum my name is changed woman. and NML because of this website I trully am. I can nolonger be the fall back girl and rebound girl. I am stoping my AC in his tracks. his in and out lifestyle needs to end. no more being used.

    thankyou NML xoxo

  3. katie says:

    If it annoys you that he keeps telling lies – You’re facilitating by refusing to accept that he and the truth don’t mix. You’re expecting him to be different and denying the reality.

    Another excellent post NML these people are so distanced from their own behaviour that they actually believe they are the bees knees. for a lot of women its hard to believe their shoddy behaviour, as you wouldnt accept it from yourself. It puts the ‘relationship’ (i use that word very loosly) into ‘relationship freefall’ where your boundaries are slipping by the day and you dont even recognise yourself! Morphing to and pre empting poor behaviour so it doesnt happen again only manages down your own values and self esteem.
    I think the moral to all of this is there is no value on having your own piece of mind and if that means being single and at least knowing your arse from your elbow then so be it!
    Its like putting your money (emotional investment) into a dodgy bandit (Assclown) and expecting some return!
    The sums dont add up!

  4. Month 4 NC says:

    How is it that someone does not leave when they’re requested to. On top of how much strength and work it takes to respectfully ask someone for space, their persistence at that precise moment has such an effect of wearing a woman down.. only to suffer further disappointment and drawing out the relationship’s cycle. It’s all about the rational, focused determination: tough, but here’s to hoping it pays off in the long run.

    Thanks, NML, for hitting on the nail on head here, once again~

  5. Ali says:

    So often we get into a relationship for the wrong reason, and once the newness or infatuation wears off, we find things aren’t as great as we thought or had hoped. If we simply repeat what we’ve done in the past, we are bound to end up in the same situation over and over again, so I’ve been told that using new “tools” help to break the cycle of repeated mistakes.

    One tool I’ve personally found to be particularly helpful is described in a brief e-book by Hayden Dane called “I Have One Question” @ http://www.haydendane.com

    In the book, Dane explains that long-term compatibility isn’t a function of physical chemistry or having activities in common but is far more dependent upon admiring in the other what he/she admires about himself/herself, and vice versa. Dane describes a conversation that will elicit the information required to decide whether you are likely to enjoy long-term compatibility with the individual with whom you are presently with or the person you are thinking of dating.

    In my case, I use Dane’s conversation to “screen” men who interest me. Now, instead of being swept off my feet by a great first date only to find that we aren’t meant for each other (something that had happened to me time and time again), I will only pursue the possibility of a date with someone who, by Dane’s criteria, I would have a strong likelihood of enjoying long-term compatibility.

    You can’t keep doing the same thing or you’ll end up with the same results; in my case, using Dane’s book as a tool has been a tremendous help to me in breaking a cycle of poor relationship decisions.

  6. Wandering Ivy says:

    Excellent!

    The thing I love about this article is it’s putting the responsibility SQUARELY on the shoulders of both parties. Being willing to bear that load is what will help me heal and get to a better place, independent of what he does or doesn’t do.

    And a big shift for me this morning: turning NC into the *real* thing, instead of not being in contact and fretting about how he feels, or what he wants from this point on. I started NC 18 days ago, but then was stupid and called him 5 days ago. Hung up, didn’t leave a message and he hasn’t contacted me, which both hurts and strengthens me.

    After reading tons and tons of articles and comments here, I finally bit the bullet and created a filter in my email program so it automatically deletes his messages, if any. And I added a service on my phone to block his calls and text messages.

    RELIEF! I kept thinking I was doing better with everything (haven’t cried about him in over a week), but I was spending large parts of my day wondering about him and both wanting and dreading future contact.

    I still have fears about hurting his feelings (although he apparently didn’t have the same concerns about me – he’d freeze me out for days at a time and then come back telling me how much he loved me, only to get mad about something again and then start the cycle all over), but now I know where to put my focus: on addressing and healing MY ISSUES and seeing what my contribution has been to this whole disaster of a relationship.

    I’m going to do my best to understand the patterns of my behavior, increase my self-esteem and finally, finally, finally start to learn about, and more importantly, USE healthy boundaries.

    NML, you have NO IDEA how many women’s lives you’ve changed and helped! Thank you so much for this site and for your clear, strong message of honesty and self respect.

  7. Mikky says:

    You say… ‘you can understand what you need to do to either change things…or get out’

    How do you change things? When the powerbase has shifted onto him, how do you bring things back into balance???

    Im ready to try anything to put my boundaries back in place. What really irks me is that you end up feeling crappy when you have done nothing wrong.

  8. lindy says:

    Your site NML has given me the strength to move after a 4 year nightmare relationship! I never believed that I could do it until I started reading posts from you. The day I discovered that I wasn’t alone, and that it wasn’t me that was dysfunctionable. You saved me!

    I continue to read your posts, even now that I have been EUM sober fro 3 months! Your posts help me with my new relatioship and help me steer clear from new bad situations. Your posts also and most importantly taught me how to live for me, and to be happy for me!

    Thanks so much!!

  9. de-lightedtobefree says:

    Hi Mikky,

    I know how youfeel, am there at this moment. My only advise and I am taking it seriously through the posts and NML’s words are… it is wayyyy out of balance so the way to tip the scales back toward you is to disconnect and give yourself ALL the time and energy you are allowing to leak away toward this other person. See yourself as an energy force, where is your energy directed, bring it back to you, think about you. ANY time you think about him, say to yourself, I don’t think about you I think about me, what do I want that has nothing to do with you. If you went to the movies with him, find someone else to go with, replace him with people who care about you and don’t let you down.

    hope this helps a bit. It is helping me alot. I’m spending time with people I absolutely know love me and there is no ambiguity, no meanness, only care and understanding. whew.. it’s like ahealing balm, thank god for them :)

    take care

    De

  10. Tulipa says:

    Look at the things that frustrate you about your relationship- how do you facilitate it?
    I know because of patterns set in the past in this particular relationship with an EUM I can’t change things. I never spoke up when the things he did were a problem to me. I have facilitated these things by saying nothing.
    Other things that frustrate me about this relationship I don’t know how to go about changing things I don’t know if there would be any point to even try.
    I recently met someone else who also does not fit into the category of real relationship material and I decided from the beginning I would set my boundaries and it has been amazing how much he has argued with me as though I did not mean what I was saying.. so I have backed completely away not wanting to repeat stuff..
    He is the opposite to the previous EUM I spoke about in that he constantly calls texts e-mails every single day since we met.. It is too much… he made it very clear it doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship (nor do I with him which I have also made clear) but he does want friends with benefits to which I said NO THANK YOU !!!! but he insists he wants to catch up and we will just be friends.. what???? Well if I have learnt anything at all it is to stay away…
    Anyway I have been thinking about these things, NML, and I guess this is just a test for me to stand and stay strong in the boundaries I have set myself.
    I have the answers to deal with the EUM I still have some involvement with too and that the best answer is no contact and leave him to it.

  11. Daisy says:

    I am so glad I’ve found this website and been reading a lot. Finally, I understood my boyfriend’s behavior. It’s a shock for me. I was trying to figure out what I have done wrong to make him pissed off. I tried harder, was nicer and still didn’t work. I was always guilty in something. That’s the first time in my life I have problems with a man. Before all my BFs were so-so normal and I always had boundaries. I need to realize now what went wrong and how could I pick up such guy. I guess it was right after my divorce and I felt unloved and here was him, undersandable, loveing and caring person. But, unfortunately ,only for several months….After 2,5 years withhim I am tring to get rid of him It’s hard. I’ve tried a few times before, but them forgave him for bad for me. I hope this time I will be able to do it.Thanks NML for opening my eyes.

  12. Waking up says:

    Another helpful post, NML. When I miss the EUM and have the urge to contact him, I immediately come to this site. It’s a good reality check. I’m so grateful for it.

    I’m starting to wonder whether most men these days are EU. They seem to be all over the place. Does anyone have a theory on this?

  13. Teresa says:

    Its amazing when you finally stick to the no contact rule how sooner or later – they start wondering what you are up to. I have had no contact since July. I was engaged and my fiance lost his job; we decided he should look in Tampa where his mom lived. After 3 months, he found a job and slowly started to forget about me. He would disappear for 12 hrs at a time with no explanation where he’d been. He had a Harley and would say he was just out riding no where in particular (he apparently has great kidneys!). Long story short, I was here in OH packing my house up to move, my job was up for bid, etc. After 2 weekends of his “hudini” act I decided enough was enough. I had a strange gut feeling and called his employer who stated he no longer worked there. I acted as if I knew nothing and he lied the job and the explanation for his disappearings was, “he needed time alone.” (interesting, since I was in OH!) So, proudly I set boundaries and tried piecing my life back together and low and behold; now the texting and calling have begun. This man has posted a profile w me in my bathing suit to 3rd parties, got in my email, and voicemail in the last several weeks. I guess his reality may be setting in? I blew my no contact Saturday when his texts said he still thinks about me everyday; I was the love of his life! I had to text and let him have it! I am learning to set boundaries in every aspect as I believe I am co-dependent. Its hard for me as I am a giver.

  14. Mikky says:

    If you are in a relationship where the power has shifted, how do you restore the balance. He has become so used to me just ‘rolling over’ and accepting me as a push over. I would like to try and restore the balance and see if a relationship can exist under normal circumstances. Im tired of walking on egg shells and would like to set my boundaries and let him know what they are and what the consequences are. I think that perhaps he would respect me more if I was more sure of myself, but I dont know how to do it without just throwing in the towel and walking away. Its something I want to do subtlety and gradually restore the balance we had when we first met. There has been other issues, his divorce being the major factor, and Ive allowed him to use it as an excuse to behave badly and against my own set of values. That is now over and done with and any scars from his horrible marriage should now be dealt with and its time for us to build something solid. I believe I was giving him space to ‘move’ and deal with the way his life suddenly turned out for him, and I dont think that was neccessarily wrong, but he is no longer a broken man. Hours in therapy and the time lapsed since he left her (reasons known to myself and accepted by myself as reasonable) has meant that he is back on his feet and ready to live a healthy normal life.

    This is a new period for us, and I would like to reset my boundaries.

  15. PlanetJane says:

    Just wanted to post my little quick exercise. I bet it is also true of many women on this site.

    What I don’t like:
    A) That he expects to pick up where we left off after he’s hurt me and/or blown me off for another woman.
    B) That he won’t commit to a relationship with me.
    C) That he won’t visit me (we live 1.5 hours apart).
    D) That he pursues other women.
    E) That I can’t depend on him, to be there for me.

    How I facilitate these:
    A) I answer when he calls again – or call him back eventually, and I let him back in.
    B) I am still there, still sleep with him, still give him emotional support and friendship – still give him what he wants from me.
    C) I visit him. Though I am starting to cut back a bit on this.
    D) I don’t ask or say anything about it. I accept his lies and ambiguity about the relationship, out of fear of losing what little we do have.
    E) I’m still there for him.

    I think a lot of what I do is out of fear of losing the little relationship we do have, but it is also trying to lead by example – to show him how I want to be loved…but it ain’t workin. (-: I’ll have to reflect on these a little while longer. I have a feeling it will be a useful list to me.

  16. PlanetJane says:

    Just thought I’d share my little exercise. I’d bet it’s similar to a lot of women on this site.

    What I don’t like:
    A) That he expects to pick up where we left off after hurting me/blowing me off for another woman.
    B) That he won’t commit to a relationship with me.
    C) That he won’t visit me (we live 1.5 hours apart).
    D) That he pursues other women.
    E) That I can’t rely on him to be there for me.

    How I facilitate:
    A) I answer or call him back eventually and let him back in.
    B) I am still there, still sleep with him – still give him what he wants from me regardless of what he gives (which is the minimum – there ARE minimums that we’ve silently agreed on, but they’re much lower than I’d like).
    C) I visit him.
    D) I don’t ask or say anthing about it and accept his lies and ambiguity about the relationship, in order to keep what little we have together.
    E) I’m there for him.

    I think I do these things out of fear of losing the “relationship” and him. And when I don’t give it starts to feel scary…I feel like I’m losing. But I also feel I’m trying to lead by example, to show him how I want to be loved. But it ain’t workin.

    I think this list will be very helpful to me!

  17. lisa says:

    Planet Jane,

    That is wonderful! You line it all up and then look at the truth!

  18. PlanetJane says:

    Ha! I thought the first one didn’t post, and so I had to re-write, and now they’re both there.

    Lisa, you should do it too! It helps to have a list of behaviors you don’t want to continue!

  19. annied says:

    PlanetJane – your list described exactly what I’ve not had for three years. I’ve done what you have done as well. I’ve held on to the little bit of a relationship that we had. But sooner or later, we have got to face the facts as they are written – do we really want that little? What are we really losing when we kick them to the curb?

    It really depresses me that my fifteen year old daughter has a more loving relationship than I ever did. … I’m sick of it.

  20. Sadthing says:

    Planet Jane this is my list too – almost exactly! Thanks.

    The only difference being that he did visit me (we live 1.5 minutes away) whilst I got to visit him less and less – think it may have something to do with the danger of me leaving evidence behind for others to find. Of course I rationalised this, I didn’t like his less than pristine flat and sheets, but the truth is that he called the shots, and didn’t need to say anything, he just sort of got his way in most things.

    It’s interesting to look at the dynamics rationally, and to see where the power really lies, not usually with us though we can learn how to manipulate too. The bottom line is that there shouldn’t be an imbalance at all.

  21. de-lightedtobefree says:

    I had a weird experience today. I was doing a workshop. I had a monologue written all about sleeping beauty, made it funny, changed the characters etc, the prince was an arse. I read it and this incredible teacher said stop lie down, close your eyes go back to a time in your life. Well anyway she took me back to a time when I was 16. Then asked me to sit down and tell the story. I didn’t cry as I told the story but what happened was I told a story that I had buried. I was 16, he used to pick me up in his car, he would park and beep and I would be waiting for him, It upset me that he didn’t knock on the door, that he never wanted to meet my parents. We would go somewhere and sometimes just for sex,then he would drop me off. One night we went out with some friends, when it came to coming home he told me to sit in the back seat, my best friend sat in the front, ( I think she gave him a blowjob as we were driving, not sure but a prickly feeling of sickness all the way home, casue she had disappeared. They dropped me off outside my house and drove off together. It was a shock recalling this in front of a class but as soon as the story was out I realized this is the story I have been reliving pretty much every relationship in some form or other since. Me getting told to sit in the back seat, while someone else took my place, sometimes my best friends. Disrespected, no voice, abuse. How can I fix this, I feel so lost, I trulydon’t want to keep repeating this pattern. I am reading your book NML and I think this story is timely with the whole lasst boyfriend excersise I just want to stop the pattern, is there any hope or am i destined to always play this out. I’m scared.

    De

  22. Used says:

    De–
    First off, you were young when that incident happened… you were still learning about people, relationships, and life. You are still learning. Hopefully, we all are!

    Second, he was a jerk! Period. Not all guys, even at that age, are like that!

    Third, the mistake you made back then was in not speaking up. When something goes wrong, you have to speak up, right away, to not start a pattern.

    You get out of the pattern by standing up for yourself whenever you feel that you need to. And speak your mind, all the time, so no one messes with you! People eventually learn to not mess with you. (And people do talk about others, you know!)

    And, a lot of times, FYI, even when you do as I just said, people are STILL jerks! That is NOT a reflection on you! And don’t let how they treat you affect you in how you feel about yourself!

    The last way you get out of this is by hanging with good people. YOU DESERVE IT. Tell that to yourself! Even when you don’t believe it!

    And read. Read. Read. Snd do more things like that for yourself!

  23. jennifer says:

    i think after 4 painful years of being w/ my boyfriend i understand the dynamics of my relationship. i broke up w/ him this morning b/c i found out the woman he was cheating on me w/ back in january, is still in his life. and has been all year. he has swore on HIS MOTHER that he ended it w/ her but i now know that was a complete lie. i spoke w/ her for about an hour last night. he got her pregnant about 2 mos ago and she decided not to have the baby. supposedly they have never used condoms. i learned his most recent disappearing acts…he was w/ her. they went away to vermont for the weekend and he told me he was working. when i work the night shift, he’d drop me off and take MY car and have the balls to go and see her. he told her she’s the woman he wants to be w/ but @ the same time,told me i’m the only one he wants. he downplayed our relationship to her saying he doesn’t want to be w/ me anymore and he loves me but isn’t IN LOVE w/ me. he has hit me at least 10-12 times in the past 2 years. once i was knocked unconscious. i also found a second phone hidden in his work bag w/ women’s numbers in it. i kept taking him back, believing his promises but my self esteem has been reduced to nothing in the meantime. we have broken up and gotten back together so many times. after what i learned last night, i have decided i cannot take anymore. i can’t keep on trying to prove i am worthy of being treated w/ respect and decency. i can’t keep on trying to prove anymore i am worth being faithful to. i can’t keep going behind him w/ a magnifying glass trying to verify every step he makes, checking up on him and calling this woman to find out the truth b/c he is not capable of being honest. my spirit is slowly dying inside and i finally now see….after 4 torturous years…that i need to remove myself from this toxic situation. i have been nothing but loyal, faithful and devoted to him. i have done my very best to make him happy but i just couldn’t get inside. i have begged, pleaded, explained, reasoned, compromised, and lowered my expectations for a long time b/c i wanted to stay w/ him so badly. and i NOW see that has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE. i am in the same unhealthy boat i’ve been in since 2005. i do get anxious and teary when i think about if this other person really IS the one he has wanted. but i am trying to steer clear of that thinking and bring the focus back to me and understand that this has nothing to do w/ me. and that he will be the very same way w/ no matter who he is w/. when i 1st met him, i was the other woman for 2 years. i just didn’t know it. he would drive HER car to see me when SHE was @ work. he lied to me and he lied to her just to keep us both around. so it gives me some relief to know that’s what might be going on here. this website has been invaluable to me. i read it everyday. and i am hoping that w/ time i will know i made the right decision for me and my life….and there is someone better out there for me.

  24. Butterfly says:

    Boundaries are the thing, working on them and working out what they are. I have a theory that the Universe is listening and starts testing them immediately that you set them – that’s my perception anyway so planning ahead that this may be the case might help you “”gird yourself with iron”.

    Are most men EU? Well … aren’t a lot of won’t also EU?

    Ali, thank you for posting that link.

  25. jennifer says:

    *CORRECTION* he would drive my car to her house while i was at work.

  26. jupiter23 says:

    Jennifer,
    I don’t know if you post on the forum, but I highly recommend that you do. And if you can afford it, through insurance or another means, I hope you seek out professional counselling. There is something better out there. This jerk has been bringing you down. Good luck in your journey.

  27. de-lightedtobefree says:

    Thank you Used :) your words are balm and I am am crying reading them. I have called off two meetings tonight cause all I want to do is look after me, curl up on the sofa and read read read :) so sick of being taken advantage of, taken for granted and used. Have to stop that now. Will pull in and pull the covers over till I feel safer. Thank you for your support.

    xxx love love and more love De

    • NML says:

      Hi De. Your experience is shocking but at least you can now heal from it and move forward. Used is right in that accepting the behaviour and keeping your silence was not the way to go although you can’t change that now. You need to forgive yourself – no doubt you thought you had done something when in fact, what was clear is that your friend was no friend of yours and they were both incredibly disrespectful. It is amazing how long these experiences can stay with us and shape how we perceive ourselves. Yours was so shocking, no doubt you buried it but I think you’re now ready to deal with. Always remember that whilst we must learn to put up boundaries and to treat ourselves with care, someone else’s shoddy behaviour is actually a reflection of their shoddy character. Surround yourself with people who don’t detract from you and add value to your life. You are not an also ran – you’re a valuable entity that deserves to be treated with love, care, respect, and trust. Those who don’t play by these basic rules – tell them to step. Hugs, Natalie x

  28. de-lightedtobefree says:

    Thank you Natalie for your lovely words, I will be rereading them for awhile till they sink in. Now I can put place things where they belong and with the knowledge protect myself and be more vigilant. Just so sad.

    kisses De

  29. lindsay bluth says:

    Thank you NML, for this and other posts I’ve read this past year, for they’ve finally cracked my thick skull. I used to think “poor me, why is ever man I’m with an assclown?” as if I had nothing to do with letting them in my lives in the first place.

    Through the wisdom of your posts, I see that yes, they are indeed assclowns, lol, but if I choose to continue communicating with them 1 second after seeing the first glimpse of their impending assclownery, I’M the reason for my own unhappiness, not them. Although I don’t initiate the drama, by not leaving when it rears its head, I’m perpetuating it, thus contributing to my own misery.

    In the past I’ve gotten into a gambling addict rationale that I’ve invested this much so I shouldn’t walk away…if I plug more into the game eventually I’ll hit the jackpot or at least break even. This type of outlook doesn’t work in the casino at all…the odds are almost unilaterally tilted towards the house, and it sure as hell doesn’t work in relationships wherein the only winner is the assclown who continues to reap undeserved benefits as my cache is depleted.

    Thanks NML for providing the logic behind this so women can realize their role and have the clarity to abort the mission or retreat to preserve themselves.

  30. killy says:

    I think this is a great site. The reason being, that all of the insights shared here by women can also apply to women. Are there female assclowns? I know there are, ’cause I know one, and have been involved with one for the past several years. But…I’m on the way out of this ridiculous situation once and for all. And, the commentary on this site is right on the money and has validated for me my thinking regarding this assclown who has used me for the past several years. Thank you.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!