Comments on: Do you understand the dynamics of your relationship?

By: killy

killy — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:38:22 +0000

I think this is a great site. The reason being, that all of the insights shared here by women can also apply to women. Are there female assclowns? I know there are, ’cause I know one, and have been involved with one for the past several years. But…I’m on the way out of this ridiculous situation once and for all. And, the commentary on this site is right on the money and has validated for me my thinking regarding this assclown who has used me for the past several years. Thank you.

By: lindsay bluth

lindsay bluth — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:40:35 +0000

Thank you NML, for this and other posts I’ve read this past year, for they’ve finally cracked my thick skull. I used to think “poor me, why is ever man I’m with an assclown?” as if I had nothing to do with letting them in my lives in the first place.

Through the wisdom of your posts, I see that yes, they are indeed assclowns, lol, but if I choose to continue communicating with them 1 second after seeing the first glimpse of their impending assclownery, I’M the reason for my own unhappiness, not them. Although I don’t initiate the drama, by not leaving when it rears its head, I’m perpetuating it, thus contributing to my own misery.

In the past I’ve gotten into a gambling addict rationale that I’ve invested this much so I shouldn’t walk away…if I plug more into the game eventually I’ll hit the jackpot or at least break even. This type of outlook doesn’t work in the casino at all…the odds are almost unilaterally tilted towards the house, and it sure as hell doesn’t work in relationships wherein the only winner is the assclown who continues to reap undeserved benefits as my cache is depleted.

Thanks NML for providing the logic behind this so women can realize their role and have the clarity to abort the mission or retreat to preserve themselves.

By: de-lightedtobefree

de-lightedtobefree — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:27:08 +0000

Thank you Natalie for your lovely words, I will be rereading them for awhile till they sink in. Now I can put place things where they belong and with the knowledge protect myself and be more vigilant. Just so sad.

kisses De

By: NML

NML — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:27:34 +0000

Hi De. Your experience is shocking but at least you can now heal from it and move forward. Used is right in that accepting the behaviour and keeping your silence was not the way to go although you can’t change that now. You need to forgive yourself – no doubt you thought you had done something when in fact, what was clear is that your friend was no friend of yours and they were both incredibly disrespectful. It is amazing how long these experiences can stay with us and shape how we perceive ourselves. Yours was so shocking, no doubt you buried it but I think you’re now ready to deal with. Always remember that whilst we must learn to put up boundaries and to treat ourselves with care, someone else’s shoddy behaviour is actually a reflection of their shoddy character. Surround yourself with people who don’t detract from you and add value to your life. You are not an also ran – you’re a valuable entity that deserves to be treated with love, care, respect, and trust. Those who don’t play by these basic rules – tell them to step. Hugs, Natalie x

By: de-lightedtobefree

de-lightedtobefree — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:08:13 +0000

Thank you Used your words are balm and I am am crying reading them. I have called off two meetings tonight cause all I want to do is look after me, curl up on the sofa and read read read so sick of being taken advantage of, taken for granted and used. Have to stop that now. Will pull in and pull the covers over till I feel safer. Thank you for your support.

xxx love love and more love De

By: jupiter23

jupiter23 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:59:54 +0000

Jennifer,
I don’t know if you post on the forum, but I highly recommend that you do. And if you can afford it, through insurance or another means, I hope you seek out professional counselling. There is something better out there. This jerk has been bringing you down. Good luck in your journey.

By: jennifer

jennifer — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:17:54 +0000

*CORRECTION* he would drive my car to her house while i was at work.

By: Butterfly

Butterfly — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:28:46 +0000

Boundaries are the thing, working on them and working out what they are. I have a theory that the Universe is listening and starts testing them immediately that you set them – that’s my perception anyway so planning ahead that this may be the case might help you “”gird yourself with iron”.

Are most men EU? Well … aren’t a lot of won’t also EU?

Ali, thank you for posting that link.

By: jennifer

jennifer — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 01:44:37 +0000

i think after 4 painful years of being w/ my boyfriend i understand the dynamics of my relationship. i broke up w/ him this morning b/c i found out the woman he was cheating on me w/ back in january, is still in his life. and has been all year. he has swore on HIS MOTHER that he ended it w/ her but i now know that was a complete lie. i spoke w/ her for about an hour last night. he got her pregnant about 2 mos ago and she decided not to have the baby. supposedly they have never used condoms. i learned his most recent disappearing acts…he was w/ her. they went away to vermont for the weekend and he told me he was working. when i work the night shift, he’d drop me off and take MY car and have the balls to go and see her. he told her she’s the woman he wants to be w/ but @ the same time,told me i’m the only one he wants. he downplayed our relationship to her saying he doesn’t want to be w/ me anymore and he loves me but isn’t IN LOVE w/ me. he has hit me at least 10-12 times in the past 2 years. once i was knocked unconscious. i also found a second phone hidden in his work bag w/ women’s numbers in it. i kept taking him back, believing his promises but my self esteem has been reduced to nothing in the meantime. we have broken up and gotten back together so many times. after what i learned last night, i have decided i cannot take anymore. i can’t keep on trying to prove i am worthy of being treated w/ respect and decency. i can’t keep on trying to prove anymore i am worth being faithful to. i can’t keep going behind him w/ a magnifying glass trying to verify every step he makes, checking up on him and calling this woman to find out the truth b/c he is not capable of being honest. my spirit is slowly dying inside and i finally now see….after 4 torturous years…that i need to remove myself from this toxic situation. i have been nothing but loyal, faithful and devoted to him. i have done my very best to make him happy but i just couldn’t get inside. i have begged, pleaded, explained, reasoned, compromised, and lowered my expectations for a long time b/c i wanted to stay w/ him so badly. and i NOW see that has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE. i am in the same unhealthy boat i’ve been in since 2005. i do get anxious and teary when i think about if this other person really IS the one he has wanted. but i am trying to steer clear of that thinking and bring the focus back to me and understand that this has nothing to do w/ me. and that he will be the very same way w/ no matter who he is w/. when i 1st met him, i was the other woman for 2 years. i just didn’t know it. he would drive HER car to see me when SHE was @ work. he lied to me and he lied to her just to keep us both around. so it gives me some relief to know that’s what might be going on here. this website has been invaluable to me. i read it everyday. and i am hoping that w/ time i will know i made the right decision for me and my life….and there is someone better out there for me.

By: Used

Used — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:57:54 +0000

De–
First off, you were young when that incident happened… you were still learning about people, relationships, and life. You are still learning. Hopefully, we all are!

Second, he was a jerk! Period. Not all guys, even at that age, are like that!

Third, the mistake you made back then was in not speaking up. When something goes wrong, you have to speak up, right away, to not start a pattern.

You get out of the pattern by standing up for yourself whenever you feel that you need to. And speak your mind, all the time, so no one messes with you! People eventually learn to not mess with you. (And people do talk about others, you know!)

And, a lot of times, FYI, even when you do as I just said, people are STILL jerks! That is NOT a reflection on you! And don’t let how they treat you affect you in how you feel about yourself!

The last way you get out of this is by hanging with good people. YOU DESERVE IT. Tell that to yourself! Even when you don’t believe it!

And read. Read. Read. Snd do more things like that for yourself!

By: de-lightedtobefree

de-lightedtobefree — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:50:18 +0000

I had a weird experience today. I was doing a workshop. I had a monologue written all about sleeping beauty, made it funny, changed the characters etc, the prince was an arse. I read it and this incredible teacher said stop lie down, close your eyes go back to a time in your life. Well anyway she took me back to a time when I was 16. Then asked me to sit down and tell the story. I didn’t cry as I told the story but what happened was I told a story that I had buried. I was 16, he used to pick me up in his car, he would park and beep and I would be waiting for him, It upset me that he didn’t knock on the door, that he never wanted to meet my parents. We would go somewhere and sometimes just for sex,then he would drop me off. One night we went out with some friends, when it came to coming home he told me to sit in the back seat, my best friend sat in the front, ( I think she gave him a blowjob as we were driving, not sure but a prickly feeling of sickness all the way home, casue she had disappeared. They dropped me off outside my house and drove off together. It was a shock recalling this in front of a class but as soon as the story was out I realized this is the story I have been reliving pretty much every relationship in some form or other since. Me getting told to sit in the back seat, while someone else took my place, sometimes my best friends. Disrespected, no voice, abuse. How can I fix this, I feel so lost, I trulydon’t want to keep repeating this pattern. I am reading your book NML and I think this story is timely with the whole lasst boyfriend excersise I just want to stop the pattern, is there any hope or am i destined to always play this out. I’m scared.

By: Sadthing

Sadthing — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:30:24 +0000

Planet Jane this is my list too – almost exactly! Thanks.

The only difference being that he did visit me (we live 1.5 minutes away) whilst I got to visit him less and less – think it may have something to do with the danger of me leaving evidence behind for others to find. Of course I rationalised this, I didn’t like his less than pristine flat and sheets, but the truth is that he called the shots, and didn’t need to say anything, he just sort of got his way in most things.

It’s interesting to look at the dynamics rationally, and to see where the power really lies, not usually with us though we can learn how to manipulate too. The bottom line is that there shouldn’t be an imbalance at all.

By: annied

annied — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:06:11 +0000

PlanetJane – your list described exactly what I’ve not had for three years. I’ve done what you have done as well. I’ve held on to the little bit of a relationship that we had. But sooner or later, we have got to face the facts as they are written – do we really want that little? What are we really losing when we kick them to the curb?

It really depresses me that my fifteen year old daughter has a more loving relationship than I ever did. … I’m sick of it.

By: PlanetJane

PlanetJane — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:24:49 +0000

Ha! I thought the first one didn’t post, and so I had to re-write, and now they’re both there.

Lisa, you should do it too! It helps to have a list of behaviors you don’t want to continue!

By: lisa

lisa — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:46:54 +0000

Planet Jane,

That is wonderful! You line it all up and then look at the truth!