Comments on: Does emotionally unavailable equal ‘He’s just not that into you’? Why do we care?

By: Gayle

Gayle — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 18:27:45 +0000

There are women that do, this is not limited to men.

By: Rhonda

Rhonda — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 18:19:59 +0000

Say no more!! You hit the nail on the head!!!!!

I wonder how guys would feel if we treated them like they treat us?

By: Gina

Gina — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:15:13 +0000

OH my goodness you are the best NML —- “Why do I give a flying fuck…” I have felt the same way this past year as well. I don’t care what the rhyme, reason or season… it’s soooo much easier that way. Us girls no when a guy really cares about us and those are the ones we have to care about.

By: Kat

Kat — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:18:07 +0000

It’s time for you to invest in yourself. When you truly believe in yourself. Your well being no longer becomes contingent on whether or not someone else accepts you. I started writing post it notes to myself and tacked them everywhere, on doors mirrors, in them I wrote to myself how wonderful,special, and beautiful l I am. I wrote to myself that someone else’s shortcomings are not a reflection on me as a person. I wrote that I have more to offer than what’s below the belt. After a while these phrases stuck in my head. It works. It gives you an internal dialog when either yours has been silenced with self doubt planted by malignant people or didn’t exist in the first place. It helped me get past the self loathing and low esteem that comes from dealing with these EUMs. Once you get that voice speaking up and speaking right…these guys will become so transparent and unimportant to you, and you will know you are healed when you look on them with pity and pity the next woman they dupe into their web of torture.

By: Tulipa

Tulipa — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:07:59 +0000

I have pondered this question for the past few weeks why am I still interested in an EUM who totally disrespected me Im not in love with him so its not that..
Somewhere deep inside I think its that I want a return on my investment no wants to invest themselves in someone and come away with pain as the only return so maybe by going back we keep hoping this time it will not end in pain but in some kind of happiness.
I have looked back over my past relationships and seem to only invest in the ones that start out with the I’m not into any long term investment with you I am not the one for you hell I won’t even call you my girlfriend.. these words well they make me try soo soooo hard changing myself but of course the goal posts always move so you never do measure up… argh its frustrating because I see this pattern yet there I am being pathetic and still trying for a better return on what Ive invested in.
Then if I do meet a worthwhile guy well I couldn’t be away fast enough.. silly me !!
And its so true EUMs hate any confrontation because they don’t have a leg to stand on they are weak characters ho simply for whatever reason have not grown up. Recantly I have confronted my EUM over a number of issues and he has weakly defended his position so why oh why can’t I just shut him off and not give a damn about him ?? Why does it always take me the long hard road before I accept defeat and let go and move on ???

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:49:47 +0000

Nikki – thanks for your reply. That (coupled with NML’s recent post about EUMs never changing) makes SO much sense. Onward and upward! I’m STILL a work in progress!

By: Black Sheep

Black Sheep — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:21:04 +0000

OK, I agonized over it. I thought he is very different, very special. For 2+ years I followed your blog – loved it, and now I bought and read your book – loved it, too (except that I wished there was a clear visual structure to parts and chapters). The only thing that I miss in this system is: Asperger’s Syndrome. Spell it out. You are right, NML. For us who are relationship-centered, they are not good match, EUM, or Asperger’s, or any other human condition the man can have which prevents him from communicating.

Today’s entry’s description is also somewhat consistent with how highly functioning autistic people (non)relate to others. The fact is, most today’s adults with Asperger’s remain undiagnosed and have learned to cope, so their condition is not apparent. So now I am left soul-empty, understanding it was not me, not him, it was his brain. I feel guilty for myself, for agonising, and for in fact thinking that I was a fallback girl. Maybe a disclaimer of differentiation between Fallback Girl and “Cassandra affective deprivation disorder” is in order soon. Thanks for everything.

By: Nikki

Nikki — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:22:05 +0000

Amy, the idea with EUM’s changing, is that it does happen, but only when they’re ready to. It’s the same with us fallback girls. When we finally realize that we’ll never be happy until we discover who we are and build our self esteem we don’t change either. Also as NML has said many times before, even if this guy made a change while with you, he will equate you with the past and if you haven’t changed at the same time too, he will still drop you, because you represent the EUM he used to be since you’re still trying to play the roll of the fallbackgirl. It took me a while to get it, but emotionally available men stay with women who feel good about themselves and make them feel good. A man won’t stay with a woman who makes him feel bad no matter what the other qualities are. If only we took that same principle and apply it to us, the first time these ass clowns start showing their true colors and start making us feel bad about ourselves we would kick them to the curb too.

By: Amy

Amy — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:26:04 +0000

A very happy b’day to you, NML. Here’s to another year of you saving women, just like you did for me and many other women who read this site.

I am doing great with NC with my EUM (though, I’ll confess that it’s mostly because he hasn’t contacted me since I’ve moved out of state). I just need to raise my self-esteem. Unfortunately, he’s not the first EUM I’ve been with. He’s just the one that was around when I finally found this site!

Something I’d like you to consider addressing, NML (or even some of you commenters) – do EUMen ever change? I know a few who’ve gotten married. Granted, I’m not privy to what their relationship is really like. I’m honestly not looking for excuses to get back with any of my EUMen. But I meet men and have friends who date men who seem to have EUM pasts – does that automatically mean we should write them off, or can they change?

By: abril

abril — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:36:14 +0000

I read this piece outloud to myself. Seems to make it sink in better that way. Then I looked myself in the mirror and read it again, like NML was saying it to me. Made me feel a whole lot stronger. Since I can’t tatoo it on my forehead, this is helpful to me. Maybe it can help someone else to have this ”talk” with yourself.
This site has helped me start cutting the ”ties” that I have built w/this person. (all in my own mind) My NC is getting better too…I’m not 100%, but I’m getting real close. Haven’t talked or responded to him in 2 weeks.
Kim, let’s hang in there. We can be strong when we need to be! I LOVE this forum.Take care all.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:16:12 +0000

Abril – childhood sweetheart? Fell hard? Long distance? Seriously weird! MM? He was seperated but not divorced yet. Maybe we were dating the same guy! LOL So similar to my story. It was a great piece! I’m sure NML wants to shake me sometimes reading my posts! I am trying not to care! I really am! I have never been good at moving past anything. That is my biggest prob! Take care!

By: abril

abril — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:31:17 +0000

WOW wow! what an extraordinary piece. It really hit home and I wish I could tatoo it on my forehead. I was involved with a mm, a childhood sweetheart, and I fell hard. I tried all this changing business to hopefully make myself more desireable, all I ever was to him was a roll in the hay. We had a long distance relationship on top of it all. This made it easier for him to carry on with at least one other woman, in addition to his wife. I’m trying so hard to leave the bastard behind.
This website and your writings NML have been a Godsend to me. I hope all of us strong and beautiful women here will soon be leaving all this garbage behind us. Life is too beautiful to linger with these cockroaches. What continues to amaze me is that so very many of our stories are SO similar.

HAPPY, HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS! Keep up the extraordinary work, you have no idea how many lives you’ve affected and, well, saved. Thank you!

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:51:44 +0000

NML – I wish you Happy Birthday as well! This piece reminded me of a situation with my eum last year. I remembered 8 months into my rel with him he stood me up for a wedding he told me he would attend. It just didnt make sense after all he said I meant to him & all the constant emails about wishing he was with me & “missed me” so much that he would call me an hour before the wedding to tell me he had work demands. Tthere were “signs” that he didnt have both feet in the rel. I just didnt understand the contradictions at the time.It didnt make sense. I tried to rationalize it assuming it was due to his separation. What I should have said looking back is “When you are ready to put both feet into this let me know. Until then I think it would be best that we discontinue this so called relationship”. Early on I did say that once & he freaked & started blowing hot right off the bat! BOY do I wish I knew then what I know now! I would have kept running! I think as Fallback girls it is hard sometimes to make the dinstinction early on plus our self esteems don’t want to allow the thought to enter our minds that he must not want to truly be with us based on everything he has said. Also fo the the distance made it even more difficult to assess his behavior. Anyway – great piece!

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:53:35 +0000

Happy B-day NML! Again you hit the nail right on the head. I remember a couple of conversations with my ex-EUM where I said to him, “You need to value me.” Ok, if you have to actually say these words to someone because they are not getting that concept, something is very wrong!

By: unknowndiva

unknowndiva — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:42:35 +0000

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NML!!!!

once again you have given it to us straight no chaser. a wonderful article no doubt. enjoy you bday!!!