There are many questions that burn through our mind when a relationship ends. It may be because he ended it or because you cut contact with him, but many of us get caught up in the futile game of wondering:
Does he miss me?
or decoded:
Does the assclown or Mr Unavailable who didn’t give me what I want/treat me decently when we were together, finally realise what he’s missing?
Does he miss me enough for things to be different this time?
Yep, you’re looking for validation again. That and a potential opportunity to stay invested in the hope that this time he’s changed.
Don’t get me wrong, missing someone is natural, particularly if you have a lot riding on that person, but expending brain energy pondering whether he misses you is another sign that you’re too busy concerning yourself with him.
For a start, ask yourself if you miss him and if you do, ask yourself why.
Often when I speak to women or read comments on this blog about missing someone, it’s not ‘him’ that’s missed; it’s drama, sex, routine, security of having someone (anyone), the dream, the illusion, and the irrational idea that the hidden decent committed man within might pop out whilst your back is turned.
That aside, what is the point of wondering if someone misses you? It’s not enough, especially when he may be missing you for the wrong reasons:
I miss you because you were always so willing to let me get away with anything until you got a crazy idea into your head to cut contact with me.
I miss you because I miss getting a shag.
I miss you because my ego needs a massage.
I miss you because I need you to play armchair psychologist and listen to all of my problems.
I miss the you that believed I was a decent guy.
I miss you because the thought of having to start over with another woman makes me weary – she’ll just want more from me too.
I miss you because it’s not the same now that I can’t call you up late at night or once in a blue moon and come and get laid.
I miss you because you tried so hard to please me all the time.
The thing is, once again, the whole missing you thing has got to be about actions, not words.
Whilst your ego may be out of joint because you feel rejected, you will feel even more rejected if you keep pursuing validation and still ultimately end up back at square one.
If he’s going to miss you, he needs to act like it, not by saying it, or sending you a text/email, or instant message (lazy communication) but by missing you so much that he backs this up with actions by sorting himself out, because trust me, missing you is not enough.
There is only so long that you can dine off those hollow words for before you realise that he may ‘miss’ you, but it’s not enough. He may miss you but it doesn’t mean it’s love.
You are looking for him to validate not only your decision to end it by showing remorse, but also the energy that you expended during the relationship. If he didn’t validate you during the relationship, it’s probably not best to expect it from him now that it’s over.
These men are often not only disconnected from their emotions but are also disconnected from their actions. They don’t have that kind of insight so you’ve now gone from attempting to extract love and a committed relationship from a poor source, to chasing regret, acknowledgment and validation.
Does he miss you? Who cares? Well actually you do but if it’s a Mr Unavailable you’re wondering this about, it’s just another indication that you need to focus some of your energy dealing with your own issues so that you don’t wonder why people who don’t treat you with love, care, and respect are missing you and focus on gravitating to people that do.
You can’t just switch off how you feel for someone. It takes time to heal but heal you will if you put the focus on you. Deal with your own stuff and then ask yourself if you care whether he misses you. What I do know us that you’re worth a damn sight more than someone who ‘misses’ you – be with someone who wants to put both of their feet in and love you now and who will sort himself because the fear of losing you and being put in the position of having to ‘miss’ you is not one that he’s prepared to realise.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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“He had a tatoo on his back that meant strength and honor- when I think of him and that tattoo the only thing that comes to my mind is “weak and spineless.
Cheat and Liar should have been what he had tattooed on his back.”
Not the same one then. Right up to that point I was sure it was the same guy – and for the same reasons – as my ex-clown. The more I read here the more I am convinced that these are not JUST EUM men, a lot of them really do have narcissism in the clinical behavioural sense.
Which is bad news for them because it doesn’t tend to get better very often even with therapy (in fact they use therapy to learn how to manipulate better…)
@Eyes Wide Open … he sent a text hoping you survived a medical procedure and then asking if you’d still lend him money? OMG that is one of the lowest things I have ever heard!!!! Hugs (hope you are feeling better now)
Single mom, here, too, and this guy was the first time I let myself fall for anyone after being divorced for 6 years (which has now become 9 years)… how do these types of men know how to find us?
I really relate to “he should have had “cheat and liar tattooed on his back…” and he was also so charming even though not super good looking. At age 55 (I am just about 46) don’t you think by 55, a guy would be more mature and in tune with the things that really matter in life rather than taking a couple of years to build some trusting, vulnerable woman up and then shoot them down? I don’t get it…Now he is several years older and still stuck in his same pattern….
I don’t want to be that way. I want to continue to grow and change and learn and be smart and not stuck until age 55 and beyond still doing the same things like these guys are??? Yuck.
Like most of you, I just keep reading other people’s stories and advice here so that I am reminded to just keep working on myself and loving myself so that when the right person comes along, I am ready. And if it doesn’t happen for me, at least I’m not living in a sad pattern, and am trying to enjoy the journey towards my 50s, and stay mentally fit and healthy.
Thank you all for sharing yourselves… it really helps.
Just thinking of all the positives of being out of that relationship. I don’t have to know anything about his drama, his mama, his cheating, his lying, his disappearing, his bs and on ad nauseam. I was so devastated when I broke up with him I almost couldn’t function. But in the end he knew that he’d pushed me to the limits and since he couldn’t make a decision, I had to.
Now al these months later I feel so much better, I’m not pining over him and just chillin, doing my thing and looking to get back into dating again. I think I’m ready now. Before I was not ready, all I thought about was him and every man I met I compared to him because I was still living in the fantasy that he was a good person.
I never thought I’d be where I am now and this site has helped so much. When I first read NML’s book it was such an eye opener. I didn’t feel alone anymore and it helped me figure out what i had gotten myself into. It was a pivotal moment. . I can only wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found this site. I’d probably still be with the AC, miserable and sad.
So to anyone that’s just starting NC and thinks that the pain will last forever, it won’t. You’ll feel twinges now and then but if you truly stick to it you’ll find he fades into the past and even if he contacts you at a a later time, which in my experience, they do, you have no obligation to answer or acknowledge them in any way. It’s not cruel, it’s self protective because the minute we start to play the fallback girl game we will be back at square one in no time.
@myalmostlover:
WELL SAID!
my almost over – YOU COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER. I am where you are & i NEVER thought it would happen. it does. thank goodness & thanks NML.
Devastated,
I’m just wondering…how big is the company you both work for ??
If it is a small company can you not go to your boss, let them know confidentially what is happening ask them if (after talking to him) to take the amount owing you out of his wages every wnenever he gets paid and out it on your credit card??. If it is a possiblity you could then go to him and tell him he has a choice, it’s comes out of his wages or you go to the small claims court and he loses his truck.
At least this way, you are giving him a way to pay you and a way to keep his truck. What a piece of work this guy is, I hate him, wish I could come with you and punch his cowardly friggin nose. What a predator!!! Grrr. Remember, a happy life is the sweet revenge, make it happen for yourself you deserve it.
xx De
Karen & healingtheheart
You are 100% right! Reading your advice helps more then you know. I am working so hard to change the way I view him. He has hurt me beyond repair and still wants to be friends? NO! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
I just comfronted him at lunch and for the first time in over a year I stood up to him and told him the way it was going to be. I backed him into a corner and told him to start paying me this Friday or give me back the truck, or we will go to court. It’s that simple. I think I was honestly afraid that if I did that, he wouldn’t speak to me anymore or my chances with him would be gone. Guess what…I don’t really care. This is the only way for me to move on with my life, this was the only thing between us and I didn’t bring in our break up or relationship or the way that things have been since. Just pure and simple…you owe me money, I want it. You all seem so strong in your desire to better yourselves and I want that too. I need to forgive myself for being so taken by the lies. I have known this guy for 10 years and we had been together for 1.5. We broke up in March.
Everyday gets easier, the ache lessens, the expectations are gone. The hoping is gone. I just need to work on ME and my kids. Thank you again for your words.
Oh ladies, and devastated, I know exactly how you feel when you have those bad days. I’ve had a few where I didn’t want to get out of bed, let alone do any kind of regualar maintenance: housework, pay bills, take a bath, etc.
I’ve found that during those times, the most important thing for me to do is to have a good meal. I tend not to eat when I get upset, or I gorge on sugar, and that sets me up for physical lows (as well as emotional) and a vicious cycle. Take yourself out to lunch! I go to the park…watch the kids play and laugh – even if I just lie there on a blanket, it is somehow soothing and helps me to feel connected and alive. I go shopping! and buy myself something that I look great in. Being around people is hard for me…I have a hard time putting on a happy face – and the more I interact with others, the more I become aware of my pain. I go for walks, I journal! I read self-help books – anything on Codependance gives me understanding and makes me feel better and at least that I’m working on better relationships in the future. The movie The Heartbreak Kid is on HBO this month – the main character is a total Mr. Unavailable and will make you laugh and feel justified and vindicated as well. Espresso helps me, he he, a good quad-shot over ice. Dance! I’m taking belly dancing classes, and they’ve been amazing.
Thankfully I avoided getting “involved” with my eum financially. He hinted several times, and after I spent most of my savings on a down payment for a home, he blew way cold and eventually found someone else – someone who wants to start a business with him, but with horrible credit and struggling financially – good luck! I was so tempted, many times, to offer him financial support, but I didn’t do it. I am so thankful. I’m so sorry for you ladies that did. I know how it feels to want to help someone you care about.
“So to anyone that’s just starting NC and thinks that the pain will last forever, it won’t. You’ll feel twinges now and then but if you truly stick to it you’ll find he fades into the past and even if he contacts you at a a later time, which in my experience, they do, you have no obligation to answer or acknowledge them in any way. It’s not cruel, it’s self protective because the minute we start to play the fallback girl game we will be back at square one in no time.”
So true! Thanks myalmostlover.
Does anyone else feel…or worry that they just won’t be able to trust again? I guess it will take time, and I’m obviously not ready to date, and so I shouldn’t and I won’t but, I’m worried that I’m just gonna be way too gun-shy to ever even meet anyone or let them in.
@devastated – my treat to myself this evening is making my very favourite curry, not easy where I am living now but since that’s my favourite “exotic” food I found the stuff for it. I am going to raise my fork in a toast to you – well done for facing your fears
Butterfly
I feel so good right now, I feel like a grew 6 inches! Thanks for the toast and enjoy your curry! I am going to go home after work today and open that expensive bottle of wine I’ve been saving and drink a glass to myself for finally standing up to him!
Also, thanks to everyone for the advice and help. I knew I could get support here if I asked. I will keep you all updated!
@devastated – good for you! I’m so glad you really did “inform him you are no longer paying that bill for him so he needs to step up and pay up†as we all suggested!!!
@myalmostlover – “Just thinking of all the positives of being out of that relationship. I don’t have to know anything about his drama, his mama, his cheating, his lying, his disappearing, his bs and on ad nauseam.†Thank you so much for this. I caught myself today wondering yet again if he missed me, as I remembered him telling me not so long ago that he thought of me as soon as he woke up in the morning, I was the last thought before he went to bed, and “many thoughts in betweenâ€, so I was wondering how he could not miss me now that we are 13 days NC. Your comment brought me back to reality, and is making me think of the positives of being *away*. I am looking forward to feeling how you do several months from now – thanks for giving us that reassurance – you too Elizabeth.
@Planet Jane- maybe your earlier comment about us needing an ego stroke just like our EUM’s is right – maybe I am missing the ego strokes myself. I’m going to look for the movie “The Heartbreak Kid†as you suggested. Oh, and I am taking belly dancing classes too (for the last 3 weeks) – Egyptian style, and loving every minute of it. Planet Jane, I am hopeful of being able to trust in the future. I think with all this “EUM knowledge†we now have, it will be easier for us to avoid people who are not good for us, and to listen to our intuition. I refuse to let my ex-AC spoil my future relationships!!!
Another suggestion I have for people is to get a massage! I just got back from a whole body massage by a really good (female) therapist, and I feel marvellous. It was nice being touched in a therapeutic way, not in a way that served someone else’s agenda.
Yahhh !!
Planet Jane. I gotta say I was just like you and after a lot of sould searching and reading and trying to figure it all out, I decided to trust myself. you don’t have to trust them, you have to learn to trust yourself and art of this is telling yourself that you don’t have to fall in-love with the first guy that asks you out or you meet. When i was done with the co-dependancy book, I moved onto the ‘how to have a first date and the rules’ and studpid books like that, I wanted to go and meet guy’s and I wanted to feel beautiful again. So I told myself, no sex until I was sure. You can do it!!
And guess what, after this episode two day’s ago and me leaving skid marks on the street, I have been asked out on two dates! I took the note from ‘the rules book’ ‘a girl that is rejected or rejects a man, cries for a day then cleans her face puts on fresh lipstick and goes out and has a good time!
Congratulations Devastated, you have just been promoted to
kick-ass girl!
xx
@notmeanttobe
Love your comment…
“It was nice being touched in a therapeutic way, not in a way that served someone else’s agenda.”
AMEN SISTA!!!
It’s about us now, not them. Thank you ladies for all your posts.
Personally I wasn’t so keen on the rules – did take a look – made me think there is probably a male site for assclowns about how to “keep those bitches in line” – just my perception that my boundaries won’t be coming from anyone else but me I guess.
Butterfly, I hear you..the only thing I took from the book was, ‘brush yourself off, cry for a day and get on with your life’. I read these book and take some of the insights and advise and see alot of this stuff as ‘pathologizing the victim’. I believe we are all healthy women, not co-dependent, not neurotic, none of these names they like to label us with. I see us as women who trust the wrong people too soon as mostly caring loving women that are preyed on by predators. It’s up to us to get wise and see them to the door when they show the signs. We have to learn the signs and thats why this site is so great.
and know we deserve the best, once we believe it for ourselves we can use it as our protection. A great book is ‘how to stop dangerous men’ a good read.
Oh and I’ve seen those nasty sites, like ‘treat her mean, keep her keen’, makes me want to vomit that there are so many women haters out there, sad, sad, sad, breaks my heart when I see women pander to men I wouldn’t wipe the floor with. Remember depression is anger turned inward, learn how to put the anger where it belongs on them!! then run for your life
xx
@planetjane
‘If they could just be up front about who they are, we could decide to have fun and walk away…or just walk away. Instead we get stuck in a limbo with guys who are perpetual party boys in “good relationship material†disguises – who just won’t commit or walk away, cuz they’ve temporarily hit the jackpot with a woman who is waiting for an elusive promise to materialize.’
this is so true and was the case with my EUM, he pretended that he wanted the same things as me and that he shared my vision of life our possible life in future, my values and then began to shift back to who he really was once he knew he had my heart and unfortunaltely body….Needless to say it was utter confusion. I had not even considered him to be in my league when we met and now he was running my emotions and life!!! In total he wasted seven good months of my life, cheated on me as a finale and said it was just sex and is now seeing the ex again and God knows who else….it was total humiliation socially and workwise as we share a large social circle. He is now the full party animal although he had toned down for me and everyone thinks he is still a great catch and wonders why i let him go? if only they knew how narcissitic, manipulative and selfish he was even now with my feelings…I still shudder thinking about it and how out of touch of reality I was and yet cant really get him out of my head three months on as we are in the same social circle alost every weekends..what to do???? he apologised a while ago for his treatment of me and for cheating and then proceeded to invite me over later that night….how sincere….:-|
I am moving away soon, I hope this helps the situation but in the meanwhile it sucks and the sight of him makes me so mad!!
I absolutely love this post!! and thank you ladys for sharing your stories! These make the rest of us feel stronger!.
A note about self help books I read “why Men Marry Bitches” If you ever get a chance to read it, read it! Its by far the funniest book I have read on dating and definitely empowers you and prepares you when you are ready to date again.
Good luck every one! Much love xoxoxox
@notgoingbackthere: no comment about you personally or anyone else but I am SOOOOOO tired now of reading the same old same old from everyone, and yet seeing new bits to rationalise into “yeah me too”. NML,seriously, GET INTO PRINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ooops thought this was a different thread so two posts.
So I am seeing someone “casually” who mailed when we are arranging the next date and said that Sunday was out cos his best friend wanted to go out on Sunday and this phrase leaped out a mile: “Sorry! Only one best friend in (country)”. Now I am pretty sure that this is liable to be female from what I know of him – met him before I found this site and I’m finding myself reading that differently to what I would have before. I’d have thought this was a male pal before – now this just looks different, not “This is my only male buddy I am close to” and “Don’t even think you’re going to be important to me”.
What do you think? Certainly socially this guy was more than out of my league in the first place but I am also concerned that I am over analysing the situation.
V-
My ex wasn’t attractive, but he was in great physical shape and a personal trainer. Basically he was surrounded by women all day and it was his job to be charming and make people feel good. But boy was he a jerk outside of the gym! After him I vowed that if I dated a guy who was a jerk, at least I’d be able to say he was cute. Thanks to this site, I built up my confidence a bit and raised my standards. I went right up to the most attractive guy one night and had a date a few days later. I looked past all the talk, and could immediately tell he was an EUM, so I dropped him and moved on. No trying to make him something he wasn’t, no being desperate, no betting on his potential.
@Butterfly-
Did you have definite plans for Sunday? If you did, he should be expected to honor those plans-unless he found out that his friend was flying in from another country, and that would be the only day he could see him.:)
If you did have definite plans, then this sounds like a person who will cancel his appointments if something better comes along-in which case, but him loose now.
If you did not have definite plans for Sunday, then his wanting to postpone the date doesn’t seem so bad.
Ah, I’ve been reading this site for a while, recognizing myself and the kinds of men I’ve dated in so many posts. My EUM just ended things with me and I’m mad because I let him have the last word, instead of just going NC like I planned. We only dated 3 months, I met him online and he said he was looking for a long-term relationship. When we met I was very attracted to him and found him charming, smart, witty, etc. But after we started sleeping together he started becoming evasive, rude and cold. All of our communication was about sex and he would get angry if I asked about future plans, whether he wanted to be exclusive, exclusive. He told me we needed to have a ‘don’t ask don’t tell policy’ if we were going to keep things ‘piping hot.’ I don’t know why i went along with this. I felt so humiliated and stupid. The last time we hung out felt really romantic and sweet and I was hopeful. The next day I texted “I like you” to him and he replied with “You shouldn’t like me too much. It’s not worth it and it makes me uncomfortable.” He then continued with “You’re not the only one I”m sleeping with, and please don’t like me too much.” I was angry and replied with some harsh words…I felt so hurt and embarrassed. Then I back pedaled and apoligzied via email. His reply:
I don’t hate you, but I don’t want to sleep with you anymore, and I’m too wary of your having a spazz again to be friends with you at this point. This is too much drama for what was supposed to be friends with benefits and NOTHING MORE.
I feel humiliated.
@Butterfly
I meant to say “cut him loose now.”
@Penny – no plans for sure for Sunday though he knows I prefer a Sunday evening as I work during the day on Saturday and like to either just relax or treat it as a not very special evening. I am going to analyse why that it – I’m in a different country now and don’t need to worry about the crowds, fights and general nastiness of the UK on a Saturday night. In fairness I cancelled the last two dates for health reasons …
@hearts Oh hon, just throw him away and be VERY very glad he was so upfront with who and what he is. This type of guy who states up front at least you know who and what he is, I bet he didn’t say on your first date “OK so we are friends with benefits and nothing more”.
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS = ASSHOLE OF THE HIGHEST ORDER, RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN *OR* deal with it exactly as what it is and don’t get involved. Some women just need the sex too after all.
What I am hearing is what is in that email, and I am sorry to say this but I actually can imagine and it is too much drama if my imagination is correct. Learn from this experience honey, if anyone starts being cold and weird once you have slept with them then cut it dead.
I hope you ladies are all using condoms (just as a general comment, not @ hearts). Frankly there’s something I’d run a mile from, the guy who won’t use condoms …
To fellow NC’ers,
I had a bad NC moment earlier tonight, just when I felt things were going so well. I was on MSN, under the account where I still have my ex-AC as a contact, only he’s been blocked since we broke up. Anyway, his status showed what songs he was listening to, and I could see they were some of the more “romantic†ones we listened to and sang to each other when we were together. I thought maybe he was missing me, and in a weak moment I unblocked him so he could see I was online. I didn’t send him an IM, and he didn’t send me one, and I was only “visible†to him for about 10 or 15 minutes, but the end result was I felt kind of disappointed that he didn’t message me. I know this is not sticking to strict NC, and I feel good that I didn’t send him a message. But one part of me is feeling rejected that he didn’t message me! How pathetic is that???? Any advice on how to get up the courage to finally delete him from MSN instead of just blocking him? I know I was “playing with fire†by unblocking him momentarily (he is blocked again) but I’m finding it so hard to let go of this last connection – even harder than actually breaking up with him!!! I am so scared of him getting ticked off, and possibly having that affect my brother (who works for him).
@hearts_glasses – I am so sorry to hear about how your EUM has treated you. His message to you was not respectful at all, and it’s no wonder you feel humiliated. I felt humiliated too, when I realized by ex-AC only really wanted me to fulfill his physical needs. I don’t think you need to give him the courtesy of any more communication – you can start NC as of now and have your own closure that way. (you could read NML’s post on the no contact rules). I know that my message above sounds like NC is a struggle, and it is, but your EUM has made it clear he wants FWB only, does not want emotions involved, and has misled you with saying he wanted a long term relationship in the beginning. Best of luck to you…
heard on the tube a few nights ago
“Rejection is God’s protection”
Speakin of worship, I will preach the virtue of staying with the No Contact faith. Just believe in it and keep living it. The frequency and intensity of the sadness and hard times lessens with each passing day, week, and then month. The craziness and roller coaster of emotions, of waiting, endless waiting… will mercifully fade to distant memory.
Gather a few statements to confront the habit of contact when the urge comes up. Works well for obsessive thoughts too. Two that suited me well were the fantasy statement…” I can honestly say the MR. X was one of the the kindest, most loving men I have known ” ( hahaha) and the reality statement ” Mr X is not willing ( or capable, mature. interested…your choice) in a healthy relationship with me.”
Devastated…great that you finally confronted the AC’s free ride with “no money = no truck” I will add that if he’s an excuse prone AC, as so many of ‘em are….be sure to add NO exceptions to the above double no no’s. Keep that up, you are getting out of the AC fog, into clarity, you go girl !
Hearts-this is EXACTLY the kind of email I used to get from my EUM! It makes you feel so many things at the same time-mostly, “Who the f*ck do you think you are? Get over yourself!” and “Ouch, this hurts, but why don’t you like me? Why do you have to push me away?”
But they’re telling you basically that they don’t really like you that much, you’re only good for a shag or a bj and don’t expect anything from them!
Would you EVER operate like this? Say ANYTHING like this to another person? NO! So, consider the source!
hearts_glasses
What this guy has said to you sickens me, and I understand (believe me) about being humiliated by an awful guy that could not care less about me in the end. The thing with EUMs is that EVERYTHING you do and say that makes them think you expect things from them they label as DRAMA. When an EUM does something that makes you upset, like ignoring or in general being a j*ckass, it is hard not to want to lash out, which is what you did. Maybe it wasn’t the best approach, but it wasn’t the worse thing you could’ve done. You’re human. Forgive yourself, and please forget about what a loser like him thinks about you. He sure as hell is no prize. A big jerk is what he is. Even if you were a perfect little angel (how boring would that be~), he still would never have transformed into a guy that deserved you. With idea of moving forward, never speak to him again, and only date guys worthy of you.
Aphrogirl,
Once again, marvelous post. I love what you said “Rejection is God’s protection”. I firmly believe that. And oddly, my friends and I have been talking about just that. I firmly believe and time has only confirmed, that I was removed from my situation for a higher purpose. Tomorrow is my 6 months NC anniversary. It has been really hard, the hardest 6 months of my life. But, I know that everything happens for a reason, and I hope I know some day what the reason is that I became involved with such a vile, horrible person. I think that one day I will know. If I can come back from this, I can come back from anything.
My AC asked me to borrow money too. I believe he had no intention of paying it back. I have asked him to pay me back (before we broke up) and given him several chances, with no results, just lies. I really can’t pursue the money with my situation, as I am certain he would blackmail me and threaten me. So even though I am pissed at the thought of him extorting my money, I have to be smart and not let him take anything else from me.
Karen – Your posts continue to help me so much. You said that I have come a long way. I really hope so, but I just don’t see it. It is hard to come back out of the depths of hell and despair, as you know.
I guess my main struggle, other than having to be in close proximity and run the risk of seeing him every day is this: I have recently decided that I am going to stay out of his line of sight, for me and him. I just feel every time I go out my front door, the neighbor AC is always staring (at OW if she is out or at me if I am out), and it is not fair to give him free eye candy for nothing in return. I have tired of trying to interpret his sometimes blank, amnesic stares, then sometimes his sad puppy look stares, etc. It has been 6 months and he has not tried to contact me to discuss US in any way. I don’t even want him to see me anymore, and it hurts me to much to see him, as each time is a reminder that nothing I will ever do will prompt him to contact me, as much as I have tried. My main issue is dealing with the hurt that I mean nothing to him after everything we shared for 7 months. By him not contacting me and fighting for ME, he has proven that he can comfortably live without me, has no remorse for his actions, doesn’t miss me, and was fully able to move on with his life like WE never happened. How does this work? Because I sure can’t do it…. Does anyone have ANY advice on how to deal with this? When he looks at me, he feels nothing? He has no DESIRE to speak to me again after I did nothing to him but ask for mutual respect? He is so happy in his life without me in it? I just don’t GET IT!!!!!
Thanks guys! Yeah, I’ve read the “how to” date books, Why Men Love Bitches, He’s Just Not That Into You, Face it You’re Just Not That into Him Either, Mars and Venus on a Date – Sadly, I read them all to try and figure out what went wrong with my last (8 yr) relationship and what I was doing/had done wrong and how to “get” my (current) eum to want/love me. Ohhhhhh, pathetic. Thank goodness for this site. But, I’m armed with so much information I’ll probably never have sex again!
I know it will take time…and thank you de-lightedtobefree – I will trust myself from now on. And I’ll realize, as I go, that I take relationships seriously – no matter what I may want to tell myself so that I can join the kids in the playpen – love and sex is not a game to me. I deserve to protect myself and to take myself and my wants and needs (my heart) seriously. That is my best lesson from my xeum.
Love.
@notmeanttobe delete delete delete delete delete delete! Maybe he was testing you? Maybe he was playing them cos of someone else? I don’t want to upset you but wake up, get rid, feel better.
If we are to believe in ‘the law of attraction’ theory (which I ‘m reading now
, we attract these men cause they mirror how we feel deep within ourselves. We have attracted women haters!! and it is our deep self hatred that has knocked at our door. We have to change our deep inner being…to see ourselves as womderul beautiful loving woman, really really!! it’s deep work, it means locking your door, locking everythought of them out and concentrate on you!! give yourself the love that they are stealing and not respecting. Love you, know you are the best there is, open your heart to you. what do you like, what do you love..flowers? laughter? what makes your heart sing? We have one life, this is it..I pray to god all the time to give me signs and he does. Look for the signs that the universe is loving you, look at the abudance god has blessed you with. Your beautiful beautiful children. I can’t have children so am very jealous of the unconditional love and affection a mother gets from her child…all that love 
Love will knock on the door, we have to be our best selves and be ready for it when it arrives. The past and the jerks are behind you..close the danmed door!
heart of glass…this man is a woman hater, feel releived you have escaped him. you got tricked thats all. you are safe from his clutches, thank god!!!
Look out for the woman haters, and these are the men who are cheating..miserable love when you see him out your window, see a woman hater, that is violating your neigbour as he vilolated you…rapists of the heart mind and soul…thats what they are!!
trickters and conmen.
peace
@miserable love – you say how you ae hurting,realising that after 7 months you meant nothing to him.I am feeling the same way about my 3 year relationship.How is it possible to be fooled for so long?It makes me feel I’m crazy sometimes-did I imagine everything?And when I think how when I said to him “You said you loved me for the first time a few weeks ago,now you are telling me you have met the person of your dream…”And his reply was a) to deny he could have said it,and then b) followed that gem up with “Well,I couldn’t have meant it,or otherwise I felt pressured into saying it”.LIES LIES.Maybe he didn’t mean it,but I NEVER pressured him,ever!!!
How easily words,meaningless words just flow from their mouths.
And about him denying there was ever an “us”-all my AC said when I tried to get some info out of him as to how,why,what about “us”(as you can imagine I was totally blindsided)-all he said was “we” are in thepast,he doesn’t belong to me,and he has chosen to move on.Goodbye.
Never in a million years would I treat my worst enemy with such disrespect and lack of empathy.I feel like you do-if I feel devastated,shocked etc,how is it that he is able to dispose of me in a day,and have cut all feelings etc he MIGHT have had?Can someone really be so hard emotionally?But I understand where you are,and I think the only medicine is time and distance.
By the way,to all of you,my therapist said it is good to just talk and talk-because by talking and hearing the words you are making the situation YOUR reality,by processing it you deal with it.It’s not good to just stew over it all in your mind.So this forum is the perfect place to be for support and to help the healing.And as we hear the same advice,the same stories just different people,so we are able to see it’s not US,it’s THEM!!!So thanks to everyone for sharing.It helps me to see when I doubt myself that I am NOT crazy!!
Anyway,having a weepy day-post anaesthetic I think.
@Eyes Wide Open: I send you my day. I chose to walk part of the way home through the park, which after all the rains here is one of the many lush green spaces in the city. My path was dappled with sunlight, the weather too humid for my liking which made me look forward to the peace and cool of my home. MY home. My space.
It was beautiful, the people happy, I realise I would have none of this if I was not alone and more to the point I can say with absolute certainty that I didn’t think any negative thoughts once (well maybe “I need a long cold drink!”)
I have made a commitment today to myself to make a list of that day’s objectives large or small and to live in a more organised way. Ticking off small acheivements (sorting out the many papers around, getting “a place for everything and everything in it’s place” is a challenge to someone messy like me
) to the larger ones (going to the gym, healthy eating, girly maintenance).
So I send you sunshine and smiles, because we all deserve them and I got lucky this morning
Butterfly-thank you!!I read in one of the above posts,sorry can’t remember who wrote it,but they said they had allowed themselves one weepy day,wiped their eyes and put on their lipstick..
This morning I cried for the first and last time over him.I got up and literally put on my lipstick!Although I am still imobile I have been sitting out in the garden,planning my projects for my spring/summer garden,something that will keep my mind focussed,and bring me joy!
I have thought about a whole lot of things I am going to do for ME.I realise how little money I was spending on myself,because I was buying him anything he asked for (or didn’t).Ironically,at the end,he said he’d never asked for anything(he did),but to me,the fact he accepted it all meant something.Also,thinking back,he never remembered my birthday once,and the only thing he ever gave me was a dvd,which someone else had given to him as a gift.Sorry,I digress.I didn’t ever want anything in the line of gifts etc from him,just his time and affection.Reading this,I wonder why on earth I allowed myself to be treated like this for 3 years!Maybe 2,the first he was still blowing very hot,but as soon as he saw I was interested,that was the end.
What amazes me is that he is in his 40′s(never been married) and I am almost 40,and many posters are also “mature”.This all seems like stuff I should have gone through as a teenager,not at my stage of life!!
Anyway,to get back to Butterfly-I’m glad your day was lovely,thank you for sharing it with me!!
JC – Yup. Great guy. Yeah I know that.
My AC moved here after retiring from the Army –
No job – two months here gets a job at Walmart –
the best job he could get after 13 years in the Army – go figure. Anyway, starts up with a woman he works with – he tells me ” we can talk about current events, medicine” -oh fucking spare me – the same MO he had with me and probably every other woman he has lured in his web.
They live together now – oh and how he dumped me- he left me in the parking lot of Walmart on day when I went to pick him up – emailed me two hours later probably from her house to tell me he had “things to think over”.
I have never felt so abandoned in my life.
Money wise- not a dime to his name unless he was hiding it somewhere – I paid for everything to get him up here.
Looks – no. Charm and everything else, yes. He knows how to play it and I am sure he is playing her right know.
let her listen to the lies.
I think to myself sometimes – she won – but really what did she win???? She won a cheat and a liar.
Lucky her. The booby prize.
I won my self esteem and confidence back and the chance to make better choices and not settle for Mr. Assclown.
@eyes wide open – “he never remembered my birthday once,†– same here!!!
“I didn’t ever want anything in the line of gifts etc from him, just his time and affection… I wonder why on earth I allowed myself to be treated like this†– same here!!!
“many posters are also “matureâ€. This all seems like stuff I should have gone through as a teenager, not at my stage of life!!†I agree, and was thinking this very thought a few days ago.
@Butterfly – I just DELETED him from MSN!!!!! Thank you for your encouragement to do that, and thanks to Anusha, too. I feel really sad right now, and already wonder if I should have done it, but I trust you that I will feel better in the end. Off to have a little cry now…..
@notmeanttobe Good for you
Now, like the rest of NC, you have to stop worrying whether or not he will notice that you deleted him or not, if he cares or not … this gets easier and easier and easier with time. Does your brother know the story, btw? Without drama etc?
I also am thinking that this all feels very teenage and desperate – I think at that age we are waaaaay too caught up in ourselves and then by late 20s to 50s we’re in our “mothering” years. Doesn’t make this idiots so attractive if we think of them that way does it?
If you haven’t got a copy of NMLs book yet I recommend doing so. She doesn’t pull her punches … looking forward to the next one!
NML, how’s the “How to Lose an Assclown in 90 days” ebook coming along?
@Butterfly
Thanks – you are right I MUST stop worrying what he thinks – he is taking up too much of my brain energy still, and I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. I have not read NML’s book yet, but I may get it after I am done reading “Women Who Love too Much”, which I bought yesterday.
My brother has absolutely no idea about my relationship with my ex-AC, and I would be mortified if her ever found out. The AC is a MM, and we all work in the same line of work, and so I would also be mortified if any of our colleagues found out. My brother just thinks I know him through work because the AC and I have to work together planning and facilitating conferences 3 times per year. The difficult part is, the AC hired my brother, partly as a favour to me. What a mess I have gotten myself into.
My next challenge will be seeing the ex at the conference next month. I will have to interact with him, so will need to be feeling strong at that point to maintain a kind of NC that I’m not experienced at yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks again for you support – you have no idea how much it means to me as no-one in my family or friends knows about my relationship with my AC. It has been a huge secret which I have been dealing with alone until I found this site. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I am laughing at myself reading some of these posts. My AC never bought me ONE THING, oooohhhh I’m sorry, that is wrong!!!!!!!!!!! I was leaving for vacation and we had talked about getting each other something that only we would know the meaning to to carry with us when we were apart. He did SPLURGE and get me a pack of $.89 dark chocolate peanut M&M’s!!! Now, that is LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I believe that is the ONLY thing he ever spent money on related to ME, after 7 months. He was so romantic, generous, kind, thoughtful, etc. The M&M’s just proved it further. WOW! I am sure you all are jealous of the love my AC has for ME! : } Well, he is no longer mine, because he cut me off cold turkey one day and decided he didn’t owe me the respect of telling me to my face, just disappeared with no warning and only after telling me he loved me, so he is available. OOOOOPPPPS, no he’s not! Sorry girls, he took up with the woman across the street. I know you all are disappointed, maybe there are more AC’s out there as generous as mine. : } : } : } : }
Not meant to be,
Just wanted to share that after I created NC with the MM, he did show up at one of the places he knew where I would be, and did try to talk to me, and I was very polite, but one of the first things I asked him when he started to get that “puppy dog” look on his face was “So, how is your wife?” “You guys doing okay?” (and I used her name)
He got shifty eyed and said something like “well, I don’t know…. same I guess” and that sort of ended anything personal.
I could tell it upset him, but it put me in control.
I don’t know if he’ll confront you when you see him next month or try to be anything but business-like (and for your sake, I hope he is only business-like), but if he tries to reel you in a bit, you can try the “So, how’s your wife, how’s your relationship thing.” It makes you realize you did the right thing
(for me, I was duped into believing the were in the middle of a divorce and he wanted to marry me, but it’s all the same in the end… they’re cheaters, and we were naive enough to let them)
Good luck with that. Arm yourself now and take care of you!
@lisa
Thank you for that great idea – I will keep that line (question) in my pocket for when I have to see him again. I feel better prepared already with a strategy that has already worked for you. Love this site!
Thanks for your kind words, you lovely ladies! I am feeling better and know in my heart that this clown would’ve only continued to cause me pain.
@Butterfly – you’re right — this does feel teenage and desperate! I’ll be 36 in 3 months and I have to admit that my interactions with men seem to have been arrested at about age 16.
@delighted tobe free — i do belive, somewhat, in the laws of attraction theory. And it makes me sad to see how these guys tend to show up when my self-esteem is in the toilet.
But I am taking action – I’ve started working with a new therapist (Cognitive Behavioral) and am learning to develop and stick to my boundaries with my verbally abusive alcoholic father (the ultimate EUM!).
Love and strength to all of you!
@ Miserable Love
LOOOL! Does it count if the AC paid for the cheap hotel room he was hoping to seduce me in? Didn’t work thank God, hmm maybe that’s why he stopped talking (and by ‘talking’ I mean texting as well lol) to me!
just to clarify: texting was ACs sole means of communication, other than when we were together, when he would actually talk…about sex practically non stop.
Note to self: Mel, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, WOMAN!!!???
About the ego stroke/phone call/eum “missing†me, I realize that the thing I have to accept is that I can’t always expect to end up “on top.” I was left. He doesn’t want me – for whatever reasons, doesn’t matter. The best scenario for me is that he does fully move on and never calls me again, because that’s the only way I’ll be able to move on with my life and get this guy – who doesn’t even deserve to be there, and I know it – out of my head and my heart! And in order to do that, I have to accept that he just doesn’t want a relationship with me. I “lost.” It just happens sometimes. This isn’t a Hollywood movie. This isn’t a happy ending. It’s bound to happen in life. We’re bound to lose some, and win some! It doesn’t mean we’re bad or worthless…at all! It means we’re human.
I’m so glad I’ve learned this. I think sometimes what we’ll do to avoid the pain of loss is worse than the pain itself!
OMG…and as I finish this…I get a text from him, after NC for a month. It says: “hope you are doing well. yours truly me.” Son of a biatch!
De-lightedtobefree, what is the name of the book on the laws of attraction, and who’s the author? Thanks!
Mel: HAHA, yes as you know I was in a strictly texting only relationship too. The very little time we were together, I noticed, was for mostly sex talk or sexual contact. I think we had the same AC.Funny that you bring up the hotel room. My AC has lied so many times about that type of thing. I had to go out of town for a long weekend and AC said that he wanted to go with me and said he booked the seat right next to me on the plane. I booked the hotel HE wanted, planned the weekend, etc. Well about 6 hours before the flight left, as I feared would happen, he contacted me and said that there was a mishap with the seat assignments, etc., and that he didn’t have a reservation after all. Well I was devastated, but said, ok well come later in the day or first thing the next morning. Well he has excuse after excuse and he never showed up the whole weekend.
Another incident (and this is very embarassing for me to say because I completely trusted him), he said that he booked our nicest hotel for a night to check in early and check out the next day late. He said that he ordered a suite, strawberries and champagne, in room massage and pedicure for me, the total treatment. That morning he left to go “check us in” and I left around 10a.m. to head toward the hotel so I could be down there when he called as “valet was supposedly” waiting for me to arrive and take my car. I was on top of the world, so excited, so happy to finally have alone time to talk and hold each other. I am embarassed about the part that I wore lingerie under my clothes to surprise him. Well right after I left the house, he texted me to say that there was a mix up at the hotel and to go hang out somewhere until I heard from him again to come there. I literally sat in my car for 5, I repeat 5 hours…… I texted him several times and he said he was working on it, then I finally get the text that it wasn’t going to work out and that they overbooked the suite and had to give him a credit voucher for another visit. But when I saw him shortly thereafter, he refused to show me the credit voucher. I had wasted an entire work day, and was so distraught that another thing had not worked out. Several times when I was out of town for work, I invited him to join me, he said he would come, and never showed. I was always so hurt and disappointed that he wasn’t making me a priority. I was NEVER a priority. I put up with the texting only relationship for a long time, but when I asked him if he wanted to be with me more, he said he did, but it never materialized. I never understood that, like I was too much “work” for him. And I was very tolerant and accepting of his crumbs, but he would still say that I expected too much from him. Hell, he does live two doors down, all I had to do when he was saying he was busy and couldn’t see me, was go out and see him sitting in his chair in the garage reading a book!!!!! OMG! WTH!!!! One time I asked him how come he was too busy if he is reading, and he actually got pissed that I was checking on him and accused ME of being a stalker…. Can you believe that??? I am thinking: how can you pursue me for 4 years (stalker) even after I avoided his advances for 2 years, only to call ME the stalker??? I was so hurt that he looked at me that way. I just wanted to be with him and love him. I would have been happy with a couple times a week…(lowering my standards and expectations for him like this article points out). I have been through some rough times with him. But he will tell you that I never treated him bad, or caused him any misery, and at least I can live with that…
PlanetJane, How are you and most everyone else getting their AC’s to contact them??? I have wished and prayed for some sort of contact for 6 months (today) and have gotten nothing…I know everyone has said I am better off, but part of me wishes he would contact me and you all seem to have all the luck!!!!!!!!!! I just can’t seem to catch a break – or maybe I am the blessed one. HAHA. Who knows??
@Miserable Love you are indeed better off with him not contacting you. Remember when they contact it is not about you, but THEM. they want to see if they still hold any power over you. Nothing more nothing less. his contacting you will set your healing back and you are moving forward my girl, onto your better life.
The AC has never contacted me and the only time I expect he will, if ever is the day I am truly over him..that’s when they seem to resurface isn’t it? like they have a radar warning ‘she’s over you now, get in touch, lol!” I hope to be healed enough not to let it faze me if it ever happens, and the best case scenario will be that I am completely indifferent to him. Can’t wait for that day!
it’s no victory for you if he contacts you and if he does you are still to vulnerable I feel, and likely to fall right back into the drama. I do understand your wanting to hear from him…i have felt that way too, even recently.
But I have to remind myself that my ‘wanting’ is merely me seeking validation from him and that this seeking is no different from self harming! i am basing my identity and worth as a woman on what the AC thinks of me. I am respecting the opinion of a liar, a cheat, and a manipulative user over my own opinion of myself…? WHAT? Er… i don’t think so!
This bit of self talk soon brings me round. Hugs to you. You will soon see that you had a lucky escape. I think that even though he cut ME off. I could be the ‘lucky’ recipient of weekly cheap and ever more degrading sex in a cheaper hotel with a cheap AC! Someone far more worthy will come along at the right time and until then, I am enjoying getting ‘myself’ back.
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