Does my ex Mr Unavailable or assclown miss me?

OMG Miserable Love! Are you seriously wanting contact, after 6 months, with the “stalker” that you described in the paragraph above? That ditched you all those times and lied, and…seriously? Girrrrrrll. No. NO. I was humiliated just reading that sh*t. Seriously, honey, you’re better off. YOU’RE BETTER OFF!

Ok, you want contact so you can not respond and blow him off right? Ok, ok, I’m sorry, but you’re still better off. You are. It’s SO much easier to see these things from the outside.

I’m ok with the minimal text contact from my xeum. I’ve been feeling guilty about leaving things on a bad, er…silent note, and it’s ALMOST caused me to call him a few times. So when he texted me, “hope you’re doing well. yours truly me.” I texted back, “Thanks.You too A.” And, for me, that leaves it on a positive note…no hard feelings, whatevs. (He IS my best friend’s brother.) I just hope I haven’t opened the door, which, I now realize, if he doesn’t have a chick and is looking to fill the void, I may have opened the door to him. But I’m turning off my phone tonight. I ST(MFing)G. I will not be pulled in again. NO.

How DO you lose an AC in 90 days!? For Chrissakes

@ PlanetJane,

Just a guess, but I imagine it is like quitting any other addiction. Kicking smoking or drinking takes just a moment. Repeated time after time. Notice that Alcoholics Anonymous survivors refer to themselves as “recovering alcoholics”.

I wonder if there is a term for “recovering emotionally unavailable drama survivor” or something? I think the Navy, when I went to boot camp, took 12 or 14 weeks to turn civilians into sailor-trainees. But their secret of success was a guarded, fenced, strict “No Contact” with civilian influences.

I can remember incidents from my childhood, some quite clearly. That is more years ago than seems to make sense. I imagine that memories of your EUM or AC will be with you always. The power those memories have over your life, though should dwindle as you accumulate time away from reminders (No Contact), as you replace the places in your daily life that used to contain him with thoughts, activities, plans, and people that are unrelated to the bozo, and as you practice not dwelling on thoughts of the bozo. Learning and re-learning your own strengths and abilities, your skills to care for yourself and provide joy in your life will help carry through the darker moments. And if I recall Paul Harvey correctly, listening to rock music is faster and more effective than most anti-depressant meds. And chocolate.

Some people find strength and hope in an active community, whether neighbors, family, special interest, hobby or craft, or faith based.

Disengaging, breaking yourself out of the habit of thinking of the bozo as part of your life, is a measure of how much you have put into that relationship, and has nothing to do with whether he was worth the effort or the anguish. If the EUM or AC had been worthy and responsible, engaged and committed, then the difficulty in breaking away now would be the glue that would bind your shared lives together.

I wonder where NML’s next eBook is, too!

Mel and PlanetJane:

I know you guys are right, I am better off. I am not easily recovering from the rejection. He cut ME OFF. Out of nowhere, a blow to the head, heart and soul for sure. I have thought many times that if he does contact me, I hope I am strong enough not to fall for him and his lies again. I also know that, as my luck would have it, as soon as I was “over him”, he would then contact me, just to “mess” me up again. : } I see all this I really do. I definitely DID base my worthiness as a woman, my self-esteem, identity, etc. on him, because I trusted him, he said he loved me and wanted me, wanted US, etc. I gave of myself completely to him, to have it all completely destroyed.

How do I get all that “back”? I know that he never “took” literally, but in my eyes but the way he treated me, talked to me, didn’t value me as a person, didn’t care about me or my feelings, all that I had wrapped up in him was destroyed by his last comment to me ” I have too much shit going on to deal with you.” I felt violated and stripped of everything I thought I was. I know that he has been happily living without me for 6 months, and it is not like I want a relationship back with him. I have been waiting for him to be a human with human feelings and show remorse for his actions. I have been wanting contact exactly for that, validation. I have felt that only HE can restore all the things including my self-esteem and dignity that he took away from me. I am glad I wasn’t holding my breath. I felt so rejected and wished that I had been the one to make the decision to dump him, as he dumped to the side of the road like street trash, and I had NO SAY and NO DECISION-MAKING ABILITY FOR MY LIFE. I feel that he stole my future with him from me, along with proved how much he doesn’t care about my feelings, my life, my future, etc. All this time, I have been hoping that he would feel bad for how he treated me, and contact me and let me know that, but nothng. He acts like we never existed, that I never meant anything to him, and that he never loved me, which is proven as each day passes. For me, I would just like to know if he even thinks about me, misses me, has some feelings of sadness for how he treated me, any kind of sign from him. I think that would restore my sense of loss. If I am better off without him ever contacting me, how do I show him that I am the one that is better off without HIM? How do I get him to look at me and think, “Man, what did I do, I let the best woman I have ever met walk out of my life because I was an asshole?” How do I portray this to him now? After being so rejected by someone, how do you ever get your confidence back? I want him to know what he has lost and I don’t know how to achieve that if he won’t or has no desire to talk to me. How did you all come back from this, with the knowledge that the AC doesn’t even attempt to contact you, which makes you feel worse knowing they don’t value you, or miss you???

@ML
“For me, I would just like to know if he even thinks about me, misses me, has some feelings of sadness for how he treated me, any kind of sign from him. I think that would restore my sense of loss. If I am better off without him ever contacting me, how do I show him that I am the one that is better off without HIM?”

ML, believe me, I know how you feel – I know how this feels. But read the sentences I quoted above. You’re relying on HIM to restore your sense of loss, and to prove/mirror that you’re better off without him. IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to do, let alone someone who treated you like dirt, and whom you haven’t spoken to in 6 months! It’s never gonna happen. You’re the only one that has to live with you. You’re the only one that can deal with your own feelings.

YOU need to restore your sense of loss…as you would with any other loss. And YOU need to know that you’re better off without him.

And I’M gonna take my own advice here!

@ ML:

Every word you have written could have been written by me as recently as 1 month ago. But I have moved on a lot and what has helped me do it is detaching my self worth from him: his thoughts, his opinions, his everything.

The way I see it is this. He is not your slave master. He does not own you. he did not create you. You most probably lived a reasonably happy life before he hurricaned his way into it, dismantled you and moved on without looking back. yes, he caught you off guard, yes you gave yourself over to him and yes he cut you off, moved on and doesn’t give a sh*t.

Of course it’s out of order, of course he should know what he’s done and what he has lost but the reality is that he DOESN’T. He does not have it in him to love you, and as much as it hurts, wishing it were any other way is futile.

‘If I am better off without him ever contacting me, how do I show him that I am the one that is better off without HIM? How do I get him to look at me and think, “Man, what did I do, I let the best woman I have ever met walk out of my life because I was an asshole?” How do I portray this to him now?’

Honey, you don’t show him squat. It isn’t about him. You show YOURSELF. You are still making it all about him and you know what? That is the precise reason why you are still in so much pain. you are empty of love for yourself and you are looking to someone who is NOT CAPABLE of giving you what you need to fill a void that only God and you can fill.

Here’s the thing. This is is who you are:

You are a beautiful, rare, precious and unique vase, of infinite value. You were made to be cherished and to hold fresh water and show off beautiful fresh cut flowers.

Your AC has come along and picked you up and thought ‘pretty vase’ and stuck a couple of flowers nicked from next door’s garden into you. No water…he can’t be bothered with all that. Naturally the flowers die and he is too lazy to replace them so gets hold of a couple of tacky plastic roses and roughly shoves them into you. This takes away from your beauty BUT remember your VALUE AND WORTH HAS NOT CHANGED! You are still priceless. It’s just that this ignorant AC cannot see it.

So…he neglects you and the roses and you gather dust. Every time he looks at you now, instead of thinking ‘pretty vase’ he is reminded that ‘I must clean that vase and put clean fresh water in it and buy some beautiful fresh flowers for it’

However, AC is TOO LAZY to bother with any of this and as time goes on, the rest of his house is getting cluttered up with additional mess which he is also to lazy and ignorant to deal with.

Eventually one day he looks at you (the vase) and thinks ‘can’t be bothered with this, I’ll chuck it out’

And that is what he has done. Now because he has chucked you, you believe that must mean you are not worth anything. you keep trying to say ‘look if you clean me up and display me prominently with fresh cut flowers and change the water etc, I can make your house look beautiful’

ML, it doesn’t matter what you do or say. The man has missed the point. HE DOES NOT SEE YOUR VALUE, WHICH REMAINS PRICELESS REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE DOES OR DOES NOT DO!!
He is too ignorant and too lazy. He doesn’t appreciate your value. ANd your value is high, whether you are on his mantlepiece, behind the bin in his garage or safely back IN YOUR OWN HOUSE, where YOU, who is aware of your value, can lovingly take the vase, gently clean away the grime and dust you accumulated from your time with him, fill yourself with clean fresh water and beautiful flowers and appreciate YOURSELF!

We all see your value. He doesn’t and that is HIS FAILING, not yours. He ‘chucked you’ because of who HE is not because of who you are.

It’s not your job to make him see it. You were not made for this type of person. It’s like expecting a child to appreciate the difference between plastic coloured beads and a string of rare pearls. You give the pearls to the person who appreciates their value, not to a toddler who will snap the string, swallow a few and chuck the rest down the toilet. We have all made this mistake, that’s why we are here. But we will see the error of our ways and not do this again, right ladies?! (and gents, lol!)

Stay here and keep posting ML. I hope I don’t sound harsh. I’ve worded strongly and passionately because I need to hear this as much as you.

You have fine bone china and he still wants to eat his chips out of yesterday’s newspaper? What can you do with such a man? Where do you start? Just shake your head and pity him.

Thanks Mel,
That was a very powerful description, which I obviously needed to hear. I am just the type of person that worries what people think about me. I loved the AC and I wanted him to respect me and value me, which he obviously did not. So, the yesterday’s newspaper analogy was excellent. That is exactly what happened. He admitted he loved what we had, I just think it was too much for him and would require more than he wanted to undertake or maintain, so he is comfortable with what is “used” to, like yesterday’s newspaper, instead of fine china. I am fine china! He is just too lazy to take care of it and cherish it. Yesterday’s newspaper is easier to “deal with” and is made for the lazy man. : } No need to cherish a newspaper. I have taken all the information here and will use it. Thanks.

Oh and stop wondering if he respects you or not! He doesn’t. He has told you this by his behaviour! Just bear in mind that his lack of respect is not about you, but him.

You laid out the fine china, he disrespected it, that doesn’t make you unworthy of respect. You will just make a better choice of guest next time that’s all!

Hugs

The reason why i have asked “WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A EUM [ [meaning "emotionally unavailable man"] AND AN ASSCLOWN?” is because of hearts_glasses post [dated July 23rd, 2009, 2:10am] . She described the behaviour of her ex as an “EUM” but after analysing his appalling behaviour towards her, i would have sooner described him as a total ASSCLOWN!!!!!

SO……..IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?
My feeling is that all assclowns are emotionally unavailable, but not all emotionally unavailable men are assclowns.

Oh I drove my friends crazy with this behaviour, particularly one close male friend who saw the damage the first time and was utterly dismayed when I went back there (no he was not interested himself cos I am the wrong gender for his liking!).

It’s only once you are out of that horrid boolean loop yourself that you see “round and round and round we go” in others. No matter what is said, it’s like a ruptured spinal disc, one part makes sense and then SPLURT off into another direction. Meanwhile, for those still caught in it, it’s a horrible hopeless feeling without release.

UNTIL you come to realise that it is not about what he thinks/feels/uses as a sex toy and ego stroke any more (so long as that is not you of course). WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS? Whatever he thinks the chances are that it will be absolutely screwed up beyond all normal comprehension.

I realise it’s easy for me to sit here saying forget him (and I am working hard on making life so he has no room to interject any more myself). I’d move home if he was in my face – I did something even more crazy, I went to another country where I don’t speak the language yet and hardly know anyone, my chances of meeting someone else are even slimmer than they were before but right now I don’t regret that because I am doing it for me … no one else but me …

Perhaps that is what his “an adventure for a year or two” was really about – not really about “and then you’ll be with me” as he was saying, but rationalising down such a big life change because on hearing it he was thinking it made him look and feel like a failure (well if the cap fits) and he said himself he’d never have been able to do this.

@Mel: I loved that post, that analogy about the vase. I’d add to it from my own experiences:

Your vase is made from exquisite cut glass in the Art Deco fashion, so beautifully made that you would think it is made from diamonds. It sparkles in the light, delicate and transparent because it is transparent and doesn’t hide secrets too well.

You have yourself filled it with an eclectic bunch of flowers, some small and delicate, some with thorns, some exotic and some plain green foliage because not everything can be flowers, there is the everyday to consider too.

He comes along and like a bee he is attracted, simply has to take all the pollen he can until he is too full to fly. For a while, he is content there with these blooms but he is too lazy to top up the water.

Never mind. He chucks away the delicate flowers one by one and replaces them with stinkweed … so the water gets murky and the vase goes mouldy, the dust settles and … he can’t see his reflection.

At first the mess he has made leaves enough of a reflection for him to see a happy contented bee but once that illusion falls away … off he flies. Oh look, something shiny! He’s found a collection of bottle tops, that will do …

Wow! I have just spent an hour reading the posts on here, and I haven’t finished yet!! My EUM is a workaholic and has called time a week ago as he really needs to get the work issue sorted…he was managing to see me once a week, maybe a few hours on an occasional week night. He has not had a full day off work since we met 9 weeks ago!! The time we have spent together has been absolutely amazing. But it’s just not enough. I wasn’t getting what I needed or wanted, I look back and cringe to think I was so excited when I finally did get to see him. And how I begged him to spend more time with me…He says it is only the work issue, that he thinks I’m great, loves spending time with me etc…but quite frankly if he’s not even prepared to spend the one night a week with me now, well that kind of says it all doesn’t it. He can’t like me enough! And I’m guessing the work issue won’t change in a hurry – he says he wants to get it under control as his marriage broke down as a result…but if he wasn’t prepared to fight for a 16 year relationship (they were childhood sweethearts)…We are still in email contact, but it is sporadic. After reading this I think I should stop even this. He’s not going to change is he?!

NML – perfect timing, as always. Day 35 of NC and I’m miserable today from spinning about this very thing. He’s missed me before and why? I asked … “because you took such good care of me – who wouldn’t miss that?”

NOT what I wanted to hear back then and not what I want to hear right now. I have no doubt the answer is still the same.

@Miserable Love

“I am just trying to make sure that it is not ME that is preventing us from communicating. Is he sitting there thinking that I will contact him when I am ready???” – if you have instituted NC to get healthy and get over him, then this is the way it SHOULD be!

“What if he thinks that I ignored his last two texts and said to himself “well she doesn’t want to talk to me, so forget it”? – that’s what should be happening if you are NC.

“Why did he bother sending those two texts in Jan and why does he continue to stare and watch me if he doesn’t care??? ” – if he is EUM, he may want to “keep you on ice” along with the other OW – isn’t this guy married????? And I believe you said on another post that you are married? maybe you can receive the validation and care you need from your husband?

“what if he turns his back on me or gives me a go to hell look or what if I did text him and he didn’t respond or responded by being hateful….I just don’t want to go through that again and lose any more dignity than I already have with him.” – the way I see it, moving on and staying NC is the only way to “not go through that again”. From what you describe, this man doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself – sorry.

@Miserable Love and mel

I agree also with everything mel has written. I like the last point “Every day you spend focusing on him is one day you could be spending healing and being healthy enough for the truly loving, giving and mutually supportive relationship you deserve.” It is hard to focus on ourselves when we are obsessed with an AC/MM – trust me I’m right there with you and I still have a way to go, too. I broke it off with my MM 3 weeks ago today, and while it is getting easier the longer we are NC, I still go over and over everything he said and did while we were together (14 months worth) to try to make sense of it all. I also sometimes wish my MM would contact me, and on the one time he did contact me (an email), it was sooooo hard not to reply. The only reason I didn’t is because I know I need to heal, as mel has reminded us. Our AC’s are married, we are not their first priority and never will be. They may complain about their wives and marriages, but they are still married, so obviously they have made that choice!

I am not a marriage counsellor, but ML, is there any way you can get what the AC/MM gave you from your own committed relationship? From your husband? You said before that you didn’t want to be unfaithful to him, and that’s why you resisted the AC/MM for so long, so you seem to care for your husband. Can you plan some fun activities with him? Go away for a weekend somewhere romantic, away from the stress of everyday life? Do whatever you like to do as a couple? Or do you need to make some decisions about whether or not to stay in that marriage? Just some ideas to bring the focus back to you, and to the man you have chosen to spend your life with. Like I said, I am no expert, but just trying to see things from all perspectives.

Yes, NC is the way to go – you are doing the right thing. Best of luck and hugs to you ML. You can do this!

Miserable Love,

A couple of thoughts. First, that you didn’t follow the No Contact Rules. Rather than prevent him from contacting you, you are setting their actually waiting and wanting him to call. You never decided you want out. That hasn’t happened.

What has happened is that he dumped you, and you keep straying into his space, keep crossing his path, and dreaming of the day he decides to mess around with you, since you are still actively available whenever he wants.

It can never be called “no contact” when you see him, or him and his current flame, most every day. No contact is no contact, at all, any way shape or form. Contact is seeing him, noticing he is there, let alone what his gestures or expressions are.

You are not doing NC, you were dumped. If you had been in NC, you would have been dealing with issues, grieving, learning what the effect is on your life when you took control of who you have a relationship with. NC is about a safe time and place to heal.

And that gets to the second thing I notice. That you are not done with the relationship, you aren’t getting over it. You are still actively living the role of the Fallback Girl. You haven’t recognized he isn’t going to be good for you even if he ever takes you back. You are still focused on keeping your “dignity”, apparently a social display of fortitude, rather than address the fears and injury to your self esteem, that lets you waste another moment wanting this guy, let alone waste another moment actually waiting for him.

If you haven’t read NML’s e-book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, now would be a good time. If you have read it, read it again, and look closely to see what she says about the Fallback Girl. Calling the neighbor across the street the Other Woman is a mistake, and unfair. Rather than be the Other Woman, that your partner is cheating on you to be with her, the neighbor is instead just his next date. You were the last one, but won’t let it go.

I don’t see that he is interested in taking you back; as you say, he broke things off with you, stopped contacting you. If you were to pursue him, you would be the woman intruding into your neighbor’s relationship and wife. If he did cheat on her with you – why would you want a guy that cheats? He is currently enjoying a perpetual dating lifestyle, it seems to be working for him – he ain’t gonna change. He isn’t going to turn to you and declare, “I am sorry for the mistakes I have made, I realize my destiny is to be with you alone for the rest of my life. I cannot sleep, for dreaming of a happy home we make together, that you are the most wonderful woman in the world to me.”

You are a wonderful woman. You do *not* need a dumped bozo that didn’t care to keep his marriage going, that is now sleeping his way through the neighborhood, to tell you something that basic.

But I think there is another step that you need to consider. Before you talk about NC or OW, you have to hear one specific person tell you that you are a responsible and caring adult. That you know right from wrong, that you care about honor, and honesty, and respect above appearances. And that there is no room in your live for people that aren’t responsible, respectful, and honorable. That person you have to hear that from is you. Nothing anyone else says is more than advice. You have to find some kind of truth within yourself. And then act on that truth.

Luck.

Thanks everyone for the wonderful feedback.

Aphrogirl – thanks for the laughs out loud. HAHA. WTH is a finger wave? That is a good one, really. (And I am not obsessing about the wave, I ignored it, but it does sound pretty sad that that is all the AC can muster.)

Basically what I was trying to get at is that after replaying “the end” several times in my mind, I started worrying that I was the reason he wasn’t contacting me (because he had sent two addtl lame texts I didn’t respond to and h MAYBE HE felt I was actually the one dissing him when actually he was the one who had dissed me). I just want to be able to look back on this horrible time in my life and know that I treated AC (who has been a family friend for 7 years) properly and with respect, value, and care. Because I am the type of person that if I intentionally wrong someone, I want to rectify it because it is the right thing to do.

There is no way I could respond to his last two texts because for 1) he didn’t ask for me to contact him back, 2) they were lame and generic, 3) there was no apology for his terrible treatment of me, no love you, no miss you, nothing. It basically would have been responding to “nothing”.But we all know how weird guys think sometimes and I just got to worrying that he is saying to himself that he sent me a couple courtesy texts, and I didn’t respond, oh well, move on to the next woman. Which obviously happened within a week and which means that if he cared about me, he wouldn’t have let hardly any amount of time go by without texting, calling, or since he does have legs, walking down to talk to me. That is correct. I just wanted to let you all know what was going on with his looks, stares, and sappy waves to see if you all thought he was waiting on me to contact him. Not that I am going to, because I couldn’t take any more humiliation from him.

I love my husband. This is a very complicated situation. I wasn’t looking to have an affair. AC and his wife are our neighbors and we have been friends for 7 years on and off. When he left his wife about 4 years ago, he approached ME, happily married, and said that he had been interested in me for some time. I decided at that point NO WAY. I was attracted to him and knew that I needed to avoid him as much as possible because I didn’t want to be unfaithful to my husband. I was successful in avoiding him for 2 years at which time I believe it made him angry and we didn’t speak for two years. Then last July he approached me and apologized saying that he has loved me for longer than I know, blah, blah, blah. My husband and I still had a happy but romanceless marriage (no excuse), but he is a wonderful, kind, loving, unselfish man. However, I became very confused, flattered that he still cared about me (what I considered an older woman with kids – who was going to ever look at me again???) after two years of not talking, so in my mind (it is more complicated than this), I began to worry that another great love was going to pass me by and I felt that we were soulmates (now realizing that my husband is my soulmate). So I made the decision to “see where things went”. It wasn’t about sex. Because that didn’t happen much over the 7 months. It was about wondering if someone is the great love of your life and that our lives kept getting intertwined, which made me feel like I couldn’t not find out. Well I sure the hell found out. The nightmare of my life. In the beginning he was all hot, thought I was all that, wanted us to be together and raise our kids, etc. I still hadn’t given up on my marriage. It is hard to understand, but when you are in a situation like this, you actually in your mind think of it as two totally different relationships. I wanted to see if anything was really going to materialize before making any decisions about my marriage (an NO it wasn’t to make sure I ended up with something, it was not like that). I never wanted to end my marriage, and I wasn’t going to carry on with someone else for a long time either, I knew decisions had to be made, and I thought HE made his decisions when he continued to pursue me. But I was VERY WRONG. He had no intention of leaving his wife. I trusted him and he lied to me about many things. Funny that it was said that he is the devil, because I really do think that he is the DEVIL. I was deceived, mistreated, and violated. And he knew full well what he was doing and what sacred things he was taking from me by lying and cheating. I fell right in the trap. I never stopped working on my marriage. I don’t condone what I did, but it is so complicated, my heart was trying to do the RIGHT thing. My husband is not aware of the pain I have been going through. He knows that I had a falling out with AC, but doesn’t know how deep it was, etc. The funny thing is that I was completely AVAILABLE to the AC. I opened myself up completely, putting my complete trust and heart in his hands, he knew it, he asked for it, he agreed to cherish me, and he didn’t. He promised me I was not a “fling”, and that is why I withheld intimacy because I didn’t want to give up what was sacred unless we were both very serious about the consequences. He lied about that too, and left me feeling violated.

I AM doing NC. I have been dealing with the issues, doing unbelievable grieving, etc. I can’t help but see him every day. I have been purposely avoiding him as much as possible.

A finger wave (meaning his finger came up off the steering wheel), is worse than a crumb and was another insult, that is why I didn’t respond. I KNOW he wouldn’t be able to give me a healthy relationship. I feel that he treated me the way he did because he needed to feel superior to me and that is how he treats ALL women. He still has arms legs and a mouth and you are RIGHT, he could have used them.

Aphrogirl, you aren’t being harsh. I know that you all are trying to help me. It all boils down to the fact that he doesn’t value me, or care about me enough to worry about me or my feelings. I know that he would have known within a short time if he couldn’t live his life without me in it, and he has proven that he easily can. He has not tried to call, walk down to talk, nothing. Back to the validation subject, I am not expecting to resume a relationship with him, I was just hoping that at some point he would become “human” and experience human emotions and realize how terrible he treated me and apologize or say something about how he felt. I was left in the cold, cold turkey,no explanations, nothing. But as you say, the only one that can validate me IS ME. I seriously doubt he is going to apologize or tell me HE was wrong. That would only make him look human and as if he really does care about anyone else but himself. Yeah RIGHT! : }

One thing that occurs to me, reading your post ML, is that with your husband being in the background but on the scene, it COULD (and I’m not justifying ACs behaviour, nor do i want to get back on the ‘focus on him and what he is thinking’ bandwagon…) be that he assumes you are ok because ‘you have a husband who loves you and is unaware of the affair’. For him dealing with you is a reminder to him not only that he has treated you this way, but also he has ‘played with fire’ taking another man’s wife. Even the worst ACs feel a bit of guilt taking another man’s wife. Maybe now its over he doesn’t want to arouse any suspicion with your husband.

He may not want to face either of these home truths and therefore in his mind, the easiest thing is to cut all trace of you out of his head adn life.

He lied. People lie. it’s not right but they do anyway.

The way i see it ML is that despite the obvious pain you are in and the journey you will have to take to heal, you are still in a blessed position in that your husband loves you and you love him. Try now to get to the bottom of what was missing in your relationship with your spouse to tempt you away into the arms and heart of this other man and put your energy into healing yourself and your marriage.

I dont have experience in this area and i am not sure how one recovers from infidelity without truth between partners but maybe those more knowledgeable that I may be able to comment…it just strikes me that one thing we all seem to be striving for is living authentically, discovering, owing and living our truth fearlessly with ourselves first and then with others…I don’t know, maybe counselling might be a step to consider, for yourself first then with you and your husband?

Think about it. would you prefer AC to march over and bang on your door, apologise and declare undying love for you in front of your children? In front of your husband? No. The pain you are feeling would be nothing compared to what your husband would feel if he found out the truth in that way…not to mention what the ACs wife must be going through as well knowing that’s the kind of man she is married to. think about it…the AC sees that your husband is everything that he is NOT…he has to despise himself for that and so in his mind he is behaving perfectly rationally towards you.

Not to make you feel bad, we all get into difficult situations for myriad and complex reasons but what has happened has happened. You still have what many people here yearn for, which is a husband who you say is a good man and who loves you and who at the very least must be completely puzzled watching you suffer so badly and not knowing why,

If the AC up and moved without a word and you had no way of ever knowing where he is or ever seeing him again you would have to find a way to close the case in your mind and heart without a final conversation. This is what you need to resolve in your head now. Decide what is important for your happiness and begin your baby steps today towards that goal.

Hugs

my ex was to shy he said he miss me and love me and then he act like he didnt say anything. What i trying to say is me and my ex live far away from ech other and when i told him that imiss him he told me that we live in to different contries and that we can’t see ech other. He dosent want me to be apart of his life. Is it that he loves me or he just want to move on and forget me.

@ me,

Love grows in small walls. If you aren’t together, breathing the same air, often, then love is going to be at risk. Living far apart is always tough on romance and relationships.

I don’t think it matters, really, why he decided to end things. Perhaps he finds that life has replaced his affection for you with business, with family, with friends – it doesn’t matter. Whatever might have been there, there isn’t enough left to continue.

Tell him goodbye, and wish him well. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, you can always write him a letter – and then never send it. It is sad that things end, but knowing that your relationship ended lets you sort through your feelings, find the best moments to remember, and then to heal from the hurt of losing someone that has been important in your life.

In the future, focus on finding someone that is emotionally available, and locally available, too.

Blessed be.

@ emily2004,

You knew. When you weren’t sharing lives – sharing a residence, sharing a name, bills, a life plan – after the first year or so, you knew. You knew he wasn’t going to come through and share his life with you.

Sure, the actual date and details of how it fell through are a shock, but still, you were always sure he would falter, back out at some point.

I sounds like both of you are kind of floundering around, wondering how to tidy up the loose ends. It starts with “goodbye”.

We lose loved ones to business moves, to death, to various disasters. Stuff happens. It starts with “goodbye”, and you work through your sorrow at losing them from your life, you work through your resentment that they are gone, you accept their absence from you, and you turn to the rest of your life to start filling in that aching hole in your heart.

It doesn’t matter how long we knew someone. We weren’t doing a prison sentence, or serving an enlistment contract. We don’t earn loyalty and trust and love by the number of years we put it – we earn those every day, or we risk losing everything. Five years, or fifty years, mean nothing. Yesterday and last week – what happened then means everything. What you do today is where you show your power, your authority over your own life. And today is where you build your relationship to last one more day. Every day you have to make that day important to you and to your partner.

When things go awry, though, the years just mean more baggage, more hurt feelings, more resentment and despair and hurting.

I am sorry your relationship ended. I guess now you will have more time for yourself.

Will he miss me? I have been reading these posts for a while now helping me everytime the AC does his usual routine. I think I have the biggest AC of them all in my life. This guy I have been with for 10 years. We own a home together. The funny thing is he has no responsibility whatsoever in the relationship other than him saying “I pay the bills”. That is his excuse for his horrible abusive behaviors. When he gets caught in a lie he justifies it. When he gets caught attempting to cheat, he justifies it….”I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs”. When he explodes at me for no reason he justifies it. But God forbid I ever get mad at him. This idiot AC has called me every possible combination of abusive vulgar names you can think of, threaten me, and then tell me how he nevere wants to see me again and runs to his mommys house! Yes, his mommys! He is 42 years old and even though we own a home together he has not yet moved out of his mommies in 10 years. He tells all of his friends and families what a witch I am and justifies himself to them by “I pay the bills”. He gets their sympathy to back up his justifications of how he acts so they will tell him, “dude, you can do so much better than her”. If they even knew what he really did and what I have had to endure for 10 years, they certainly wouldn’t be backing his AC butt up!! Now I’ve gotten mad at me for verbally abusing me on a daily basis and then catching him in a big fat lie (probably about the 10,000 lie so far). I get angry and get a bit testy and I’m the biggest B in the world. I admit, I was angry and there were a few things I said that were not right to say but it wasn’t even 1/20th of what he says to me on a daily basis. So he gets mad because he is caught in his lie and starts a big fight telling me how he never wants to see me again and swearing at me with vulgarities you wouldn’t believe. During this period, I was actually nice. I simply told him I didn’t want to fight with him…I was mad and why I was mad. Well, that gave him the power to attack me and he was vicious. Now he has been vicious for days. I try to calm the situation and refuse to act as childish as he is but I’m still being sworn at and vulgarities slung my way. Finally I realize the only way to calm the situation is to sit back and state my ground but be gentle. Now he is playing his silent game. So does he miss me? I have gone through this at least 300 times! I realize right now I don’t care if he misses me. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss the abuse! I don’t miss the roller coaster ride of emotional destruction he put me through for years! I don’t miss the outbursts of him daily over the most minute thing! I don’t miss his ugly face! I don’t miss his butt sitting around complaining on the few occasions I saw him in a month. I certainly don’t miss his “I pay the bills”. I don’t miss his loud snoring next to me! I don’t miss him running to his mommys! I don’t miss anything about him! I’m glad he isn’t here! I finally have sanity!!!!! I can do what I want without being yelled at. I can see my friends without accusations of cheating on him (because he knew how easy it was for him to cheat on me so I must be doing the same). I don’t have to worry about the AC lying to me and trying to make the relationship work for God knows what reason, I realize now! I worried about him finding someone else for a while but I don’t even care! They can have him! This guy has more issues and warts from his past he’s insane! I don’t miss his insults daily! I don’t miss the screaming at me in private then turning around and smiling at people, because he had control…he just chose to abuse me!

I am sorry if I seem angry. I am angry! I want to stay angry! I’m tired of this AC making me his punching bag! I hope he does find someone. Someone that will knock him upside the head when he does this because he is never going to change! He is a narcissitic and bipolar personality disorder that has no sense of decency or any class whatsoever to know how to treat a woman, let alone someone he cares for. So do I wonder if he misses me! NO!!!!! He lost me and I’m glad I’m away from the AC!!!

@ Kendra,

Just to be really clear – no one needs his kind of crap in their lives – and you need the peace to heal and recover.

Blessed be.

Hi everyone, could do with some advice… I am probably what you would call an EMUAC… I was emotionally detatched in fear of falling in love as well as being unavailable for a couple of things… Never did “The little things” as she said it and never told her i loved her till 10 months into it when she first attempted to dump me… none the less more problems arised (become too attentive/clingy/needy/attached/available you name it i probably did it) and eventually we broke up…

I VERY QUICKLY realised what it was/is that i need to do, i too am doing what you call no contact but out of instinct… I believe that i am one of the few who have actually realised what i have lost and am trying so hard to work on myself to hopefully get her back in the long run.

I FINALLY got my license, Getting a new (and better paid) job, im learning about “The Little Things” that show we genuinely care about you, im getting back into the gym…

I dont know where im going exactly with this post, but id like you girls to know that there are some of us who ARE actively working on ourselves to become better people while we are not talking / keeping in contact with you… Not just for you but ourselves aswell.

Im glad she left me tho… If she hadn’t i would never have woken up to so many of my flaws, so i thank her

Thanks for reading.
True Blue

@True Blue — ” . . . id like you girls to know that there are some of us who ARE actively working on ourselves to become better people while we are not talking / keeping in contact with you… Not just for you but ourselves aswell.”

I deeply appreciate your post and applaud you facing your behavior straight on! Looking in the mirror and truly seeing what is there is the first step in recovering and developing the ability to truly emotionally attach and engage in a healthy relationship. Also, you’re obviously feeling something emotionally regarding this most recent relationship which has become the stimulus for change and breaking the cycle. This is a good sign and a significant step toward wellness. I’m interested in what was different in this relationship or contributing factors in your life that prompted you to face your issue now.

I’ve read that there is some correlation with early abandonment issues in EUM aka commitment phobia. Also, that when a relationship progresses to a certain level they start to experience feelings similar to claustraphobia and just feel compelled to break free to release the anxiety. Once the distance is created, the anxiety is relieved and then they move closer to their partner to repeat the cycle all over again. The dance that couples do in maintaining a certain amount of distance between them is normal in relationships. But in the case of EUM’s in the early stage of the relationship they dance very close to their partner and then move to create and maintain a couples dance with extreme distance. I don’t know if any of this is applicable or helpful to you. I can’t locate any professional journal articles on this phenomena, in other words, its not well researched and there’s likely a number of factors that contribute to the development of EU.

I can only hope and pray that my ex-EUM is doing the same thing as you, not so much for me or our relationship, but for himself so that his life can one day be fulfilled with what he wants, a healthy relationship. My ex-EUM gets to a point, panics with “what ifs” and can’t take it to the next level. I don’t know if he’s isolated and in touch with his emotion of “fear” that gets triggered but I do know that he’s aware that he needs to break the cycle and that he sabotaged our relationship. Anyway, I’m really interested in hearing more from you. It’s very helpful in understanding what an EUM goes through in his own mind with regard to relationships.

Thank you again for your post.

@True Blue — Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You said, “i refused to ‘fall for her’ because i was to into ‘The game’ and always felt i could do better and all of this other shit… ”

Sometimes holding a fantasy that something better is around the corner can be a way of maintaining emotional distance. I don’t know if this is the case for you. Some EUM’s keep dating profiles as a way of maintaining distance. Holding the thought that “there’s something better out there. . . .there’s something better out there” keeps the individual from putting (as NML says) both feet in the relationship. To really put both feet in results in vulnerability to another human being and a risk of being hurt by rejection. . . abandonment. But by holding back, the person really cheats him(her)self out of the the wonderful experience of the emotions felt through love. Sure it works to protect from the emotions of pain associated with loss, but is it really worth it if by doing this you never fully experience the wonderful emotions associated with love. To go through life emotionally numb is to not experience life fully. And who wants that!

It sounds to me like with you, even though you weren’t verbalizing your feelings in your relationship and were trying desperately to keep your emotions in check and keep things at a comfortable distance, you fell in love anyway. This is good because it means that you have not walled off your emotions to the point where you no longer have the capacity to know and feel love. I know you’re suffering right now due to the loss of love, but I also know that you will heal and be stronger and more whole when you come out the other end and be more ready and able to experience a loving relationship with someone. It’s a growth experience and growth experiences can be painful! Be happy that you’re facing and working through these issues now when you’re young. Some go through their whole lifetime and never face or resolve these issues. Take pride in yourself.

You say you’re now suffering from the “what if” syndrome in regard to hindsight. Many suffer from this and it really doesn’t matter because you’ll never know the answers to those questions and what really counts is the direction that you’re heading in now. My ex-EUM suffered from it in regard to foresight with his thinking of . . . sure, it’s great now but what if six months down the road . . . sure, we never fight, we support each other yada, yada, yada, but what if six months down the road . . . what if, what if, what if!! Life is full of risks, no one knows the future and there are no guarantees. To love is to risk through placing trust in and emotionally attaching to another human being. The alternative to emotional attachment is isolation, emptiness, and lonliness.

Regarding NC, in my case I’m doing it in an effort to emotionally detach. It’s too difficut to be in contact and detach. I still miss him and still hold hope that he will work through these issues. When he showed up at my house unexpectantly after 5 weeks NC, it just drummed up my emotions and yearnings for him again. And he showed up unchanged. He said he made a mistake with the breakup but I can tell he’s no where near ready to put both feet in this relationship in a healthy way. I go back and forth whether he came to selfishly hook my feelings back into him or he came because his feelings are hooked into me and he can’t shake them. I don’t even know if he knows.

Be strong. I respect the effort your putting into your personal growth and development.

I truly admire your responses Mel!! Intelligent, honest and real.
I stumbled upon this website and I feel like it has helped take steps forward in moving on or helping with what I’m going through.

Its hard when you want to know if he misses you. I wake up everyday hoping he misses me and will look for me. I dont understand how he could forget what we had. It feels so wrong what hes doing. Its 3 weeks now since we broke up for our 2yr 9 mos relationship. It all started back in high school. Im 21 right now. We met in algebra class, First class of the day. And I sat right behind him. I started with passing him notes and being nice to him. He didnt have time for me because he was busy and I took that as he didnt like me but I continued to talk to him. And finally he asked me out. I broke up with him because he scared me when he said he wanted to have kids with me and he wanted something serious. I supposedly broke his heart and he continued to like me all throughout the years until we graduated. We spoke on and off throughout those years. I would go back to him because something drew me to him. It struck something inside me and I always remembered those words. But it always bad timing during those years. He was seeing someone else, i had a crush on somebody. He confessed his feelings to me, I shut him down because I had a crush on somebody else. I forgot about him until we graduated and then I slept with one of his friends which I thought liked me.Time passes by. And then out of nowhere he sends me an IM and we start talking again. I could feel he still liked me and I let him know that I slept with his friend and gets angry at me and tells me that whatever chance I had with him I can forget because of that and doesnt speak to me for like 2 weeks. Then he calls me and he start talking again. During that time I almost forgot he got mad at me. I was really good at that time to push things away. And I asked him out. Our relationship was so intense. I moved in with him and his parents. We fight because we feel suffocated. I move out back to my moms. He kept talking about moving out together to a better place. He wanted to move away from the crime in our city to a safer place and just be together. He leaves for Utah for like 6 months by himself to get settled and find a place for us. He drives back and forth to come and get me. Meanwhile he was over there I wanted a break from him because he became so emotionally needy while he was over there and I was scared about going to a place I never been to and with no family or means of transportation. He said if we break up its the end. I didnt want to end it like that so i got through my fear and went with him. So many things went bad over there and we basically lived on kool aid and cup n noodles for months. we fought over money and decided it was best if we came back. I came back first and he stayed over there. He couldnt wait to come back to us. When he came back he came back to his parents and I was here with my mom. My mom had issues with me and her life over her break up and was blaming everything on me even though it was her disgusting ex that spied on me while i was taking a shower. it became so tense to live with her. I asked if i could live with him and he was hesitant because of the 1st time we lived together but i had no where else to go.fast forward 1 year and im living with him still. I have 2 jobs so that i can get a car and no have to rely on anybody and he drove me to both jobs. I pay for everything i have. Rent, cellphone, internet, and i also helped out with the gas bill. since i lived with his parents. i dont like to rely on anybody for help. but the one person that i thought would help me felt i was holding him back because he wanted to get a job and not have to ask me for money and have me pay for everything. So that probably was my fault. I asked if he didnt work so that i could get my car. But it took awhile because i had debt from when we lived in utah and I had to get things for the room and then i found a car that his friend was selling and i started makng payments. Continuing with the same story he tells me that hes getting mad and frustrated with my 2 jobs and hes not doing anything. I didnt know what to do because I wanted to get ahead but I didnt want to not get my car because he wanted money. it didnt get through my head.i thought he wanted to help me. Then one night when I come home from hanging out with my friends and its late he says hes not sleepy and he decided to fix his friends laptop. He stays up all night and and i wake up at 5am to find hes still not asleep. I look for him and hes in the living room with the doors closed. when I open the door he closes something on his browser and i saw it was his gmail account. He says he coming to sleep and he does. But i go to sleep with doubt for the first time in our relationship. i wake up and go to work and its still there. Now i always had his password to this account but i never had the need or desire to go through his stuff. i open it and to my surprise there is a conversation from the time he was “fixing the computer”. He didnt bother to tell me that. Now the conversation isnt anything to be afraid about. its pretty plain. nothing that hes cheating. but why couldnt he tell me he was talking to his ex? I ask him what hes really doing and he starts to get annoyed because i keep asking him. and then i tell him. he gets mad and i tell him why i went through it and before i finish he stops me and says ” I havent been happy with you for awhile. Ive been faking it. You should find somewhere else to live.” I thought i was gonna have an emotional breakdown. I move my stuff out and i try to talk to him to get him to tell me the real reason. and when he talks to me its never the same answer. his eyes say something else than what the words that are coming out of his mouth. his voice towards me doesnt sound like hes breakin it off with me. I didnt get it his words didnt match with his actions. He doesnt want to talk to me despite my embarassing attempt to talk to him. I try t get him to open up and he sounds angry at me so i stop. I stop talking to him and let him cool off and I try talking to him after work one time at midnight and finally he tells me that he saw his life going nowhere and he doesnt feel anything right now. hes blank inside and wants to focus on himself. he tells me if he wasnt with me why would he be with anybody else. it would be the same thing with somebody else. i tell him i want to be there for him and that i still love him. he tells me its just because he broke up with me that i still feel that and for how long we were together. he tells me that i wont feel the same for him in a few months. i tell him no i wont that i love him and only him. he just wants to go to sleep. i give up. but i got a more honest answer from him. i feel better. a week passes by and i send him an email. i call him to tell him i sent it and he says hell read it. and for a second i could tell he was happy to hear my voice. but then he goes back to being cold. is it just me? why do i keep putting myself out there? everytime hes been emotionless. for what? the unknown if he feels he made a mistake hell look for me? maybe hell have feelings for me later? im not a yo-yo. i dont deserve to be dangled. i want the truth. the cold hard truth. and every time that i made the effort to talk to him i had to coax him to talk to me. because if it was for him . no contact was fine. not for me when he just dropped me like that. every time that i did speak to him it was because of a gut feeling to do something. and every time i tried i got somewhere. and right now im waiting. for his response to my email. he said he would reply this week. i dont know whether it will be bad or good. i don’t know what im waiting for. to be rejected? to be missed? to be loved? but i know that im waiting. im such a fool to love him.

in the email i wrote. to be honest i dont know im posting this but iam.
I dont know where to start. I dont want to annoy you or irritate you in anyway but Im still confused and lost.
I dont believe I deserve to be left in the dark. The reason why I dont get it still is because your reasons are not the same everytime I talk to you.
And dont try to run away from your feelings Beto because that doesnt help. I need some sort of closure from you if there is ABOSOLUTELY nothing left. And i dont think you are being honest with yourself Beto. I think you are frustrated in the point in your life that you are at. and your taking it out on me. and to be honest i think thats what ur going through. You dont know how to deal with your problems that you have and you keep them inside. And I was there to make things worse by annoying you with stuff. I never wanted to be that person to you Beto. I want to be the person that makes you happy. And Ill do anything to make you happy. We can both learn from this and be better. Our relationship is stronger than this. If we took a whole year apart because u were over there and I was here after we can get through this. And being poor together in Utah only made us stronger. We both could tell how the other person was feeling without sayin anything to each other. I love you for who you are Beto. If not a single guy while we were together could make me think twice about you why would it now? I always had guys after me while I was with you beto and Im not saying that to make you feel anything. Im saying it to show you how I devoted i was to you. and still am.
No matter what problems we have right now beto we can get through them. If you are need of space to get your head on straight and think things about how and when u want to get to things done in your life I can step away so you can have your space. I dont want to be in the way. But you have to be honest with me. I have absolutely no desire to be with anybody else in life but you. We both need to grow up maybe a bit more and and grow together. Please dont throw away our relationship over something that made you mad beto. I will do anything to make you happy. Just let me know what it is that you want. But be honest and clear with me. You dont say to a person that they are the one and that you want to marry them and have children if you didnt feel that true love that people look for. Dont be afraid. We can take it slow like when we first started dating again. You just have to be honest with yourself and me. I dont deserve to left the way that I am right now.
If i was being selfish to you and doing things that made you mad Im sorry. If you didnt feel like staying at home anymore. that isnt a problem beto.
You just have to be able to tell me without it sounding like a demand. I dont mind doing things for you and caring for you beto if its not a demand. When you told me that you were sick and tired of being home and you wanted to get a job. Yes you told me but do you know how you sounded? You didnt tell me how you were feeling you made a statement that you were mad and I didnt want to argue with you so I told you what I felt and you didnt reciprocate on how we could fix that. I told you i would have dropped food for less instantly if you would have told me. But it isnt the same when you tell me things and dont tell me anything else. I always worked hard to fix our problems. And beto if you take a look at our problems you can tell these things are simple to fix because they arent big problems. they are petty little things. You dont like being mad I dont like being mad.
I just dont want things to escalate to the point where we cant fix them anymore thats why when we would argue it was because i dont want it to get bigger for no reason. When you told me that I was having a problem when i would get mad for every little thing. I took a hard look at what i was doing and you were right. I was getting mad because I was tired and sleepy. But you know what I fixed it beto. we didnt get into small arguments anymore. i bet you didnt notice that did u? I told you when Im wrong i dont have a problem admitting it. a person changes when they want to beto. and i changed my way of snapping because you were right, i was wrong. You cant change a person unless they want to beto. And i did it for you. And if there is anything else that needs to be changed we can do it beto. people grow up and change and when your with somebody you grow with them.
There is no way in hell that i would want to break things off with you beto. I love you with all my heart and I want to be your wife. There is no one else that i want to kiss , to hug, or to even look at in the morning. If i hurt you beto i never meant to hurt you.
For such a long time we were together and for how long we loved each other and how we cried when we got together again. I dont think this the end for use beto. our love is much stronger than this. Dont throw this away beto. you know that i love you and i know you love me. I can feel it.
you know we can work through this. just let me know how you feel beto. I tried alot of things for you beto.
Do this for me.

and im waiting. im keeping busy.listening to new music. signed up for paino lessons. got a beach cruiser to go biking. yet hes still there in my mind.the one thought is : does he miss me?