PH

PH

thanks for your story. I know what you mean. you can date a lot of people but there is always this one person that someone you seem never to get over with.
I kinda had the same with my former boyfriend. For some reason we also found a way to reconnect again, but also on a more friendship basis.
I agree that you should not just erase people out if your mind or heart, especially when you were very much in love.
But I realized that somehow no matter how good you get along after a break-up, it is very very difficult to not love this person anymore.
I had remember my ex and I, we had great conversations an d I loved talking to him “as a friend” but somehow, the past always kinda caught up. I was waiting for him to make a move towards me, to tell me what he wanted, fight for me or so… but he did not really respond (not the way I wanted him to).
I ended up feeling very lonely.
I wish you the best, but I just wanted to tell that sometimes it may be better to let go completely in order to really growth and develop.
That is what i am trying to do now. I still like my ex, maybe I still have feelings I don´t know. But I had to make a cut in order to not sit around and wait for him to be more than just friends again one day.
People may change, but instead of waiting you have to look at yourself and evaluate what you want/need now…
I am not a pessimist when it comes to love, not at all. I just know that waiting for something to happen can cause even more pain than to just leave “old feelings, friends, partners” behind and open yourself up to new things.
You can keep the good moments in your heart, you know. You won´t lose them.
Best,

Steff

My Story…
I have dated D for 12 years and we have a 6 year old daughter. He is 58 and I am 47. We have gone through a lot in these years (mainly his midlife freakout when I became pregnant with our daughter.) We get along well now and he says our daughter and I are his reason for living. I am very secure with the knowledge that this man loves me very much and will be by my side forever.

About 5 months ago, I went to the bar with a couple girlfriends and I met J. He was handsome and funny. He was 41 and an ex high-school and college quarterback. We became fast friends and began texting and met for dinner a few times. He was a single dad with a 3 year old daughter that i fell in love with. We were able to talk about anything and we both felt that we understood eachother so well. He lived 3 blocks from me and it became a very convenient friendship until I fell in love with him.

Soon, I told my boyfriend about him and we broke up. It was devastating for him and I felt so bad for him and what I was doing to our daughter. All I thought about was my incredible attraction to J and that we would be together. He had told me on many occasions that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he liked me so much that he had been talking to his mom about me. She had warned him to be careful because he would get his heart hurt if I went back to my exboyfriend. He had joked a few times that he didn’t know what I wanted with him and that I was way out of his league. My boyfriend is a wealthy business owner and J was a 70 hour a week car salesman. But I am not a money motivated person and couldn’t care less.

Well…I guess the inevitable happened. Once J could have me, he started becoming unavailable…going days without a call and rarely replying to my texts. When I confronted him (found him in a bar) he said that he was a loser that could never make me happy anyway. He said he was a bachelor and that his life was work and sports and drinking. “This is who I am.” he said. Also, that he wasn’t the “relationship type.” He said he could tell I was used to way more than he could ever give. He also said I was the closest thing he had to an “emotional connection” with anyone. Then he left the bar out the back door.

I was so hurt and angry and confused that I texted him 20 messages all night. I received one text from him the next morning saying he got sick and had to leave the night before and he would call me after work. I told him not to bother. I did contact him a week ago when I drunk texted him… “you ran away before you even found out what i wanted.” The next morning he called but I was too embarassed to answer the phone.

It has been 4 weeks since I have seen him and I have spent most of it reading, reading and rereading the articles on this website. My exboyfriend knows everything and says he is willing to forgive me if I will go to couples counseling. It is a fight between my head and my heart.

D is such a good man but I don’t feel the attraction and passion I felt for J. How can I make a life with D when J is on my mind everyday? I remember someone telling me years ago that if you see someone that you have such a magnetism for, you should run the other way as fast as you can. I sure wish I would have.

Note: I’m not even close to gay, metro sexual, or anything close to that nature. In fact to give you a little perspective, I’m a 6’5” 260lbs x-college football player. I love to hunt, fish, and I love my Jack and coke. I kind of have a soft side is all.

When I was 19 I dated this girl (I was a football player and she was a cheerleader) for about a year and a half. We were pretty much crazy about each other (first love for both of us). We would spend nearly every waking moment with one another. For the last couple weeks of our relationship she went Looney-tune on me and began to complain that I wasn’t the guy she fell in love with and that I didn’t treat her the way that she felt I needed to treat her. I broke it off quickly because I didn’t want it to get ugly and end up hating each other. I also thought that some time apart would help us both come to our senses and find that we couldn’t live without one another and eventually we would end up getting back together. I found that I liked the freedom, not to indulge in other women, in fact I had no interest in finding someone else. She quickly hitched up with a guy that was completely the opposite of me (short, tattooed, atheist, vegan, singer in a scream-o band, manipulative, and not so interested in getting to know her family). After seeing her with this guy I was devastated, heartbroken, and pissed off.

-Note: Now I had read an article on this site about how people will often date another person that has the opposite qualities of the previous person that they dated. I love, but at the same time hate that people do this. I love it because it allows people to see what else is out there. It kind of assures you into knowing exactly what you want in a guy/girl. I hate it because it sometimes changes people. Sometimes people can’t help but mold themselves to how their new boy/girlfriend acts and is because they are so different, and they began accepting things and allowing things to happen in their life that they normally wouldn’t allow to happen. This blows my mind really. You should date someone that you find attractive and holds the qualities that you find are necessary to yours and his/her happiness. Not go against the grain because you think it will make up for the needs your ex didn’t fulfill. When you let your mind drift into believing you need the exact opposite of your previous boy/girlfriend you’re only looking going to find problems.

Take me for example, I like girly girls with a little bit of an attitude, and know what they want in life. Girls that are independent but have the need for strong affection. I started to date a girl that was sort of sort of a push over and let people walk all over her. It was terrible, and I found that I didn’t want that at all. Which is a good thing. Now my ex girlfriend on the other hand molded and twisted to fit into her new boyfriends personality. She became moderately disconnected from her family and from herself in some ways. She now has more issues than you can imagine 5 years later. Girls, DON”T DO THIS. Don’t mold to your new boyfriends personality.

Back to my story……

I told myself I had to move on, and to be honest with you I did. I moved into a house with 5 other football players and we had an absolute ball every day we lived in that house. I didn’t need a girlfriend anymore I had had 5 buddies and almost always one of them was down to drink beer, play video games, or do anything else that seemed like a good idea at the time. But at the same time I always thought of my ex. I would compare any other girl I met to her and none added up, because they weren’t her. I began to miss her.

After about a year or so after we had broken up, while she was still with this guy, she called me up and asked if I still loved her. Right then I knew she wasn’t over me. For the next 4 years, while she stayed with this guy (through their physical fights, emotional abuse, and her disconnection from her family), she and I would talk and eventually go on dates without her boyfriend knowing. These dates were no more than dinner, talking, reminiscing at times, and the hug good-bye. Often our conversations would hit pretty close to home, sometimes telling one another that we still loved each other. At times one or the other of us would have to cut it off and we couldn’t talk anymore because she could never find herself to separate herself from the boyfriend. This then developed into us spilling all our feelings for each other and a night where she cheated on her boyfriend with me. She told him what she had done, but he manipulated her back into staying with him. She was always looking for a way out but could never take the plunge. This sent me into a downward spin and I lost all self-esteem. I’m better now but, I still haven’t completely gotten back on my feet from it.

She recently broke up with her boyfriend, moved out of his place, and in with her sister. She contacted me the day she moved out and wanted to clear the air between us. We have been talking since then and kicking around the idea of getting back together. I know she isn’t ready because she is still in shock over the old boyfriend (a month and a half after 5 years with this guy). I feel that she just needs a close friend to help her find herself again, not a boyfriend. I care for her so much and something inside me won’t let me give up on her. we have already been on dates, but sometimes it feels like she is forcing herself into being kind of lovey dovey with me to just keep me in her back pocket for when she does decide she is ready to take the next step. I don’t want her to force anything. I like that she wants me in her life, but I think she needs me to be that guy that listens and gives advice. As well as that guy that tells her ass to get on the back of my four-wheeler and hold on tight. She just needs some good o’l fashion fun and excitement to take her mind off all of her other stresses. If it is meant to be between us something will just click inside of us both and we’ll be crazy about each other once again.

Don’t you just hate the ones that hold that soft spot in your heart for the rest of your life and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I feel lucky to have a second chance with this girl. I hope she feels the same.

-Note: what you can learn from this is to not be afraid to go back to an ex, especially if the breakup wasn’t ugly. Don’t try and force it back to the way it was, have fun and enjoy the other person. Things may fall in place as time goes on……if it is meant to be it will work out just fine.

He was honest with me. He told me that he has a life to lead. He told me that the world doesnt stop turning not knowing me. He said that live goes on – that he has a life and that we can’t continue along this road forever. I know this – but never thought for a second he would be this blunt. But his honesty, like a stab in my heart, awoke my senses. It made me realise all those months of NC of me wondering whether he missed me – he didnt, or if he did it was sparce. Take it at face value – it is what it is. If he doesnt contact you – he doesnt want to speak to you, AND we should be stronger in order to push them out of our lives! Men are not like us. They compartmentalize everything – everything has a box. And that goes for the Ex girlfriend, the old flame! Life is not worth wondering, thinking, stressing over someone that is probably just getting on with living! Don’t do what I did and hold on to old memories – the old words, actions mean nothing! It is what they do NOW not THEN. Then is over. Now is the future! xX

Thanks, Brad, for the rule! I’ve always thought of the 30 minutes “after” as being the one time that truth is spoken, for that’s how it is for me. The soft whisperings of love words, the letting down of barriers – “music.” That’s when all my vulnerabilities and confessions come out. Crap. This site teaches me more every day.

PS. SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST!

Your message is very sad. It hurts to read about so much affection gone wrong, and so much hurt.

Reading your story, it seems that you rely on words. That saying “I love you” means that loves exists. That saying “our relationship is strong” means that there is a meaningful relationship between to responsible, honest, and caring people.

But that isn’t true. Wanting something, even wanting very badly doesn’t ever make it true. Your guy was never a man of character, he never had the honesty to know himself, or to let you know what was true for him.

When a man says that he isn’t in love, that he doesn’t want to be with you – that may be the only truth you will ever hear again from him.

It is said that women are much smarter than men. Women can hold a conversation about emotions and feelings, and make sense. Men cannot tell you how they feel, because usually they don’t know. Lust, feelings of affection or jealousy or anger? those often come through OK.

But if a guy wants to be your man, to build a home and family with you, what you need is to *see* that he *is there*. The words really don’t count. And always, always remember the 30 minute rule – never rely on anything said in the 30 minutes before or after an orgasm, or the hope of an orgasm. Ever, guy or gal. That is a time ruled by hormones and social drives that make the words just noise and music.

If you aren’t able to live on your own, to be your own woman, first and foremost, you aren’t ready to take a man to your heart. The risk you run, if you try to jump in too soon, is to be confused by your feelings of affection and lust, and fail your primary duty to yourself, your family, and your community and faith – to assure that the guy you pick is worthy, a useful member of the community, with good character and the respect of friends and elders.

There are many places on this site, Baggage Reclaim, that talk about closure, about finding out what went wrong and whether there is still a chance. The answer? It is useless to ask. If the guy had enough character and knowledge to answer – you would likely not be apart.

The primary problem you face is your low self esteem, or you would have known that this guy wasn’t dependable. You would never have taken him to your heart. You would have known, in your heart and in your gut, that he didn’t have, on his best day, the quality of man you needed him to be, to share your life with you. With self esteem and knowledge of yourself, you can choose to set boundaries. Boundaries are the places where rules and understanding what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is not, are enforced. When someone crosses a boundary or tries to, you know that you will turn away from that person.

Young kids in a store, if one should swipe something off a counter and try to leave without paying – the others might go along and at least not report the theft, or convince the shoplifter to return the item. That is lack of boundaries. If instead one were to confront the shoplifter to be, at the time, and get the item back onto the shelf – that is a boundary that protects against violating the law, that recognizes stealing and opposes it.

A better boundary would be to avoid people that tend to shoplift.

Or to avoid people that don’t keep their word, or respect you. Especially in a relationship.

You promised many times to make him happy. I was told that the point of dating – before promises are made – is to have fun. That the guy has the responsibility, if he isn’t having fun, to thank the lady and move on. What does this mean for her? First, that she enjoys making him happy. If it isn’t fun – they you are responsible for something important. No one can do this task but you. If you aren’t enjoying making him happy – you have to send him away. If you try what you are willing to do – and I am specifically *not* talking about sex – if what you are willing to do doesn’t make him happy – you have to leave.

There is no reason on God’s green earth to get to know someone that doesn’t enjoy and respect you, and that you don’t enjoy being with. Well, outside arranged marriage, and there are people you can turn to there, to get problems resolved.

The first part of a good relationship, the part you skipped with your guy, is to pick a responsible and respectful partner. Remember that it is what he does, what he stands for, that counts – run away from slick words and rushed intimacy. Because this guy, someone this manipulative, that is willing to use someone this much, will not change. He will never be the man of your dreams, he will not even be a real man of the house you seem intent on building for him.

Do not ask him for explanations, or second chances, or closure. What you need is to learn to live more fully, in a way that shows that right and wrong are clear in your life. You should spend every day feeling respect for the choices you make and for the people you call friends. What ever explanations he makes cannot matter – there is no respect in him for you, nor honesty, nor honor. What ever explanations he gives do not matter, because you need, for your own self respect, to make the choice for yourself.

And you need to choose respect and honesty and honor in your life, and to avoid all people that don’t live a respectful life.

While you chase and flatter and entreat this guy, you stay bound to the part of you that doesn’t believe you need respect. You won’t find a good man when you keep this boy in your life. And that means that you cannot afford to ask him for answers, or forgiveness, or for closure. What he says, we know for certain sure, isn’t worth the breath he wastes. His actions, his honor are not there even if his words hold promises.

As lost as you seem to feel, as angry with him, and as much as you want a happy life and think that your life might ever be happy and still have him around – the reality is that you have to find your own way, and you have to have responsible and healthy people to depend upon.

Blessed be.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.

Its hard when you want to know if he misses you. I wake up everyday hoping he misses me and will look for me. I dont understand how he could forget what we had. It feels so wrong what hes doing. Its 3 weeks now since we broke up for our 2yr 9 mos relationship. It all started back in high school. Im 21 right now. We met in algebra class, First class of the day. And I sat right behind him. I started with passing him notes and being nice to him. He didnt have time for me because he was busy and I took that as he didnt like me but I continued to talk to him. And finally he asked me out. I broke up with him because he scared me when he said he wanted to have kids with me and he wanted something serious. I supposedly broke his heart and he continued to like me all throughout the years until we graduated. We spoke on and off throughout those years. I would go back to him because something drew me to him. It struck something inside me and I always remembered those words. But it always bad timing during those years. He was seeing someone else, i had a crush on somebody. He confessed his feelings to me, I shut him down because I had a crush on somebody else. I forgot about him until we graduated and then I slept with one of his friends which I thought liked me.Time passes by. And then out of nowhere he sends me an IM and we start talking again. I could feel he still liked me and I let him know that I slept with his friend and gets angry at me and tells me that whatever chance I had with him I can forget because of that and doesnt speak to me for like 2 weeks. Then he calls me and he start talking again. During that time I almost forgot he got mad at me. I was really good at that time to push things away. And I asked him out. Our relationship was so intense. I moved in with him and his parents. We fight because we feel suffocated. I move out back to my moms. He kept talking about moving out together to a better place. He wanted to move away from the crime in our city to a safer place and just be together. He leaves for Utah for like 6 months by himself to get settled and find a place for us. He drives back and forth to come and get me. Meanwhile he was over there I wanted a break from him because he became so emotionally needy while he was over there and I was scared about going to a place I never been to and with no family or means of transportation. He said if we break up its the end. I didnt want to end it like that so i got through my fear and went with him. So many things went bad over there and we basically lived on kool aid and cup n noodles for months. we fought over money and decided it was best if we came back. I came back first and he stayed over there. He couldnt wait to come back to us. When he came back he came back to his parents and I was here with my mom. My mom had issues with me and her life over her break up and was blaming everything on me even though it was her disgusting ex that spied on me while i was taking a shower. it became so tense to live with her. I asked if i could live with him and he was hesitant because of the 1st time we lived together but i had no where else to go.fast forward 1 year and im living with him still. I have 2 jobs so that i can get a car and no have to rely on anybody and he drove me to both jobs. I pay for everything i have. Rent, cellphone, internet, and i also helped out with the gas bill. since i lived with his parents. i dont like to rely on anybody for help. but the one person that i thought would help me felt i was holding him back because he wanted to get a job and not have to ask me for money and have me pay for everything. So that probably was my fault. I asked if he didnt work so that i could get my car. But it took awhile because i had debt from when we lived in utah and I had to get things for the room and then i found a car that his friend was selling and i started makng payments. Continuing with the same story he tells me that hes getting mad and frustrated with my 2 jobs and hes not doing anything. I didnt know what to do because I wanted to get ahead but I didnt want to not get my car because he wanted money. it didnt get through my head.i thought he wanted to help me. Then one night when I come home from hanging out with my friends and its late he says hes not sleepy and he decided to fix his friends laptop. He stays up all night and and i wake up at 5am to find hes still not asleep. I look for him and hes in the living room with the doors closed. when I open the door he closes something on his browser and i saw it was his gmail account. He says he coming to sleep and he does. But i go to sleep with doubt for the first time in our relationship. i wake up and go to work and its still there. Now i always had his password to this account but i never had the need or desire to go through his stuff. i open it and to my surprise there is a conversation from the time he was “fixing the computer”. He didnt bother to tell me that. Now the conversation isnt anything to be afraid about. its pretty plain. nothing that hes cheating. but why couldnt he tell me he was talking to his ex? I ask him what hes really doing and he starts to get annoyed because i keep asking him. and then i tell him. he gets mad and i tell him why i went through it and before i finish he stops me and says ” I havent been happy with you for awhile. Ive been faking it. You should find somewhere else to live.” I thought i was gonna have an emotional breakdown. I move my stuff out and i try to talk to him to get him to tell me the real reason. and when he talks to me its never the same answer. his eyes say something else than what the words that are coming out of his mouth. his voice towards me doesnt sound like hes breakin it off with me. I didnt get it his words didnt match with his actions. He doesnt want to talk to me despite my embarassing attempt to talk to him. I try t get him to open up and he sounds angry at me so i stop. I stop talking to him and let him cool off and I try talking to him after work one time at midnight and finally he tells me that he saw his life going nowhere and he doesnt feel anything right now. hes blank inside and wants to focus on himself. he tells me if he wasnt with me why would he be with anybody else. it would be the same thing with somebody else. i tell him i want to be there for him and that i still love him. he tells me its just because he broke up with me that i still feel that and for how long we were together. he tells me that i wont feel the same for him in a few months. i tell him no i wont that i love him and only him. he just wants to go to sleep. i give up. but i got a more honest answer from him. i feel better. a week passes by and i send him an email. i call him to tell him i sent it and he says hell read it. and for a second i could tell he was happy to hear my voice. but then he goes back to being cold. is it just me? why do i keep putting myself out there? everytime hes been emotionless. for what? the unknown if he feels he made a mistake hell look for me? maybe hell have feelings for me later? im not a yo-yo. i dont deserve to be dangled. i want the truth. the cold hard truth. and every time that i made the effort to talk to him i had to coax him to talk to me. because if it was for him . no contact was fine. not for me when he just dropped me like that. every time that i did speak to him it was because of a gut feeling to do something. and every time i tried i got somewhere. and right now im waiting. for his response to my email. he said he would reply this week. i dont know whether it will be bad or good. i don’t know what im waiting for. to be rejected? to be missed? to be loved? but i know that im waiting. im such a fool to love him.

in the email i wrote. to be honest i dont know im posting this but iam.
I dont know where to start. I dont want to annoy you or irritate you in anyway but Im still confused and lost.
I dont believe I deserve to be left in the dark. The reason why I dont get it still is because your reasons are not the same everytime I talk to you.
And dont try to run away from your feelings Beto because that doesnt help. I need some sort of closure from you if there is ABOSOLUTELY nothing left. And i dont think you are being honest with yourself Beto. I think you are frustrated in the point in your life that you are at. and your taking it out on me. and to be honest i think thats what ur going through. You dont know how to deal with your problems that you have and you keep them inside. And I was there to make things worse by annoying you with stuff. I never wanted to be that person to you Beto. I want to be the person that makes you happy. And Ill do anything to make you happy. We can both learn from this and be better. Our relationship is stronger than this. If we took a whole year apart because u were over there and I was here after we can get through this. And being poor together in Utah only made us stronger. We both could tell how the other person was feeling without sayin anything to each other. I love you for who you are Beto. If not a single guy while we were together could make me think twice about you why would it now? I always had guys after me while I was with you beto and Im not saying that to make you feel anything. Im saying it to show you how I devoted i was to you. and still am.
No matter what problems we have right now beto we can get through them. If you are need of space to get your head on straight and think things about how and when u want to get to things done in your life I can step away so you can have your space. I dont want to be in the way. But you have to be honest with me. I have absolutely no desire to be with anybody else in life but you. We both need to grow up maybe a bit more and and grow together. Please dont throw away our relationship over something that made you mad beto. I will do anything to make you happy. Just let me know what it is that you want. But be honest and clear with me. You dont say to a person that they are the one and that you want to marry them and have children if you didnt feel that true love that people look for. Dont be afraid. We can take it slow like when we first started dating again. You just have to be honest with yourself and me. I dont deserve to left the way that I am right now.
If i was being selfish to you and doing things that made you mad Im sorry. If you didnt feel like staying at home anymore. that isnt a problem beto.
You just have to be able to tell me without it sounding like a demand. I dont mind doing things for you and caring for you beto if its not a demand. When you told me that you were sick and tired of being home and you wanted to get a job. Yes you told me but do you know how you sounded? You didnt tell me how you were feeling you made a statement that you were mad and I didnt want to argue with you so I told you what I felt and you didnt reciprocate on how we could fix that. I told you i would have dropped food for less instantly if you would have told me. But it isnt the same when you tell me things and dont tell me anything else. I always worked hard to fix our problems. And beto if you take a look at our problems you can tell these things are simple to fix because they arent big problems. they are petty little things. You dont like being mad I dont like being mad.
I just dont want things to escalate to the point where we cant fix them anymore thats why when we would argue it was because i dont want it to get bigger for no reason. When you told me that I was having a problem when i would get mad for every little thing. I took a hard look at what i was doing and you were right. I was getting mad because I was tired and sleepy. But you know what I fixed it beto. we didnt get into small arguments anymore. i bet you didnt notice that did u? I told you when Im wrong i dont have a problem admitting it. a person changes when they want to beto. and i changed my way of snapping because you were right, i was wrong. You cant change a person unless they want to beto. And i did it for you. And if there is anything else that needs to be changed we can do it beto. people grow up and change and when your with somebody you grow with them.
There is no way in hell that i would want to break things off with you beto. I love you with all my heart and I want to be your wife. There is no one else that i want to kiss , to hug, or to even look at in the morning. If i hurt you beto i never meant to hurt you.
For such a long time we were together and for how long we loved each other and how we cried when we got together again. I dont think this the end for use beto. our love is much stronger than this. Dont throw this away beto. you know that i love you and i know you love me. I can feel it.
you know we can work through this. just let me know how you feel beto. I tried alot of things for you beto.
Do this for me.

and im waiting. im keeping busy.listening to new music. signed up for paino lessons. got a beach cruiser to go biking. yet hes still there in my mind.the one thought is : does he miss me?

Dragonfly14xx