Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
April 15, 2007 by NML
Apparently couples who engage in open relationships are becoming increasingly cagey about what they get up to in their spare time with other people. Seemingly the ‘open’ part of ‘open relationships’ only refers to each party being open to being shagged by other people…. Now people are opting for a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy. According to trendhunters.com “Although full disclosure is usually a release valve for managing jealousy in an open relationship, DADT devotees aren’t concerned about knowing everything their partner is doing every moment of the day - even if it means they are sleeping around.”
‘Sleeping around?’ - Isn’t that what people in open relationships do?
I think it’s safe to say that human nature means that not only do we have conflicting ideas about some of the things that we engage in but that we like to complicate what is actually supposed to be the uncomplicated. DADT is supposed to give both parties license to do what they want as long as they don’t discuss it, but that says to me that open relationships aren’t really that open and that one way or another, there is a commitment of some sort to each other amd that whilst you can go out and shag around, somebody needs to feel that they are in top dog/#1 position.
Source: TrendhuntersÂ
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Call me old-fashioned, but doesn’t “relationship” imply there are only two parties involved? If one feels shagging around is necessary, one shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Colfire, I consider ‘relationship’ to be a description of my relationship to a partner. That doesn’t necessarily imply a reciprocal or exclusive relationship.
The problem I have with the DADT concept, is that is the same relationship a john has with a prostitute (except I understand many prostitutes also hear about everything in the john’s life, but that is the other side of *that* relationship).
The difference between don’t ask/don’t tell and a plural marriage is vast. DADT, sleeping around, or open relationship — that all destroys communication among relationships. At least with a plural marriage or relationship, where everyone involved is actively involved and communicating, there is opportunity for growth individually and together. With a plural relationship there is no division of attention, nurturing, or schizophrenic-like division of life from ‘with this one’ to ‘with that one’. Energy isn’t wasted living separate lives with different sex partners.
Of course, I just watched ‘Paint Your Wagon’ with Lee Marvin, who buys a Mormon’s second wife — to share with his Pardner (Clint Eastwood).
An open relationship, or DADT, seems to be a declaration that the primary relationship is dead, no more energy will be put into each other, and that attention and energy will be withdrawn to spend with others. Something like, ‘I have gotten comfortable sharing the rent with you, but I don’t think this is where my life is.’ A wimped-out separation, of sorts.
My mother-in-law decided it was ok to come over and talk to me about an open marriage. It’s not cool at all and very hurtful. When I turned the tables on my husband and told him, hey you don’t mind right, suddenly the atmosphere in our relationship changed. He seemed to be a lot more willing to be a husband…