I remember that scene in Sex and The City where Samantha went around NYC taping posters of cheating Richard on lampposts. The female cop warns her that it’s against the law to fly post but Samantha tells her that she caught him going down on another woman and the cop tells her to go ahead. I thought it was hilarious at the time but I never suspected that there would be virtual lampposts on the internet for people to do the very same thing, except this time there is no cop to intervene.
Due to the success of Don’t Date Him Girl, the website that lets you post details on cheating men, there are now plans for Don’t Date Her which gives men the opportunity to protect themselves too. Are these websites really a good idea and is sharing really caring, or is it more a case of revenge is dish best served cold and virtually on the internet where everyone can get to read about you?
There are two types of way you can be involved with a cheat: Complicit cheating - you know that he has a girlfriend or a wife but you keep seeing him anyway. Or Unwitting Cheating - The silly bastard lies through his teeth and tells you that he’s single and available and unbeknowst to you he leaves you to skip on home to his other life.
The woman involved in the latter situation has every right to be pissed off and whilst I don’t agree with naming and shaming, I can understand how she may feel that she is doing other women a favour by alerting them to this man’s deceit. However…I don’t think that this is what Don’t Date Him Girl is all about.
When I read through the postings on this site, I found bitter women who just want to bitch about the guy in question. I will be honest, I have very little favourable things to say about any of my ex boyfriends. It’s no secret that I’ve been out with some complete assclowns and I can’t claim to be friends with any of them. However…that’s just my perception of them and my relationships with them. If I had posted on a website about one of them, naming and shaming them, shortly after we had broken up, I would probably have been quite vitriolic if I was the type of woman inclined to do this type of thing…but I’m not…and I don’t think that many women are either.
Let’s be real ladies…when a guy ditches us or a relationship ends badly, don’t their penises get shorter, the sex is suddenly not so great anymore, and you may even claim that he needed a well lit flight path to find your clitoris even if he’s not badly hung at all, the sex was amazing, and he knew just how to hit the right spot. It’s called being pissed off. It’s called bitching. But putting it on the internet for every other woman he may come into contact with and then some, is taking things to a whole new level.
Women aren’t known for being too great on the sisterhood front and I’m not inclined to believe that we need biased reviews of men from women who are unable to be objective about them any longer. When we’re emotionally invested in someone…and scorned, who can be objective?
“hes a diseased, lying bastard”
“ I met X on hotornot.com early in 2006. We started datingin April 2006. I asked him quite early on in our relationship if he had any children. He said no. He lied - he has a four year old son. I ask you, what sort of a man lies about the existence of his child? ” OK we’ve established that he’s a liar but what the frick has this got to do with cheating? As an aside…I had no idea that people date each other after meeting on sites like hotornot!
The opportunity to name and shame online leaves itself wide open to misuse because hell have no fury like someone who has come out of the wrong side of a relationship. There is no standard for people to adhere to on these sites regardless of any rules that may exist because how can you decipher fact from fiction. The very premise of these sites assumes that all people are honest and that they don’t misuse. The terms of use don’t mean much because the lies need to be posted to be pointed out and by that point, thousands, maybe even millions of people have had the opportunity to read it. Surely these sites shouldn’t be used by people who were more than happy to be The Other Woman or The Other Man until things didn’t go their way?
The cop that caught Samantha could see that it was revenge whereas sites like Don’tdatehimgirl are telling us that it’s helpful and warns other women when what they’re really doing is providing the arena for revenge and sitting back and letting it unfold. I don’t find websites like these empowering. We shouldn’t be reliant on a woman with a vendetta to empower us into walking away from a man. We should rely on ourselves, pay attention to red flags, and run a mile when the relationship is doomed. The type of energy spent slagging off an ex online as a way to ‘warn’ other women could be used to get over them, move on, and avoid falling into the trap again.
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4 responses so far ↓
1 Brad K. // Aug 20, 2007 at 5:52 pm
The thought that comes to my mind is job interviews. Also the sex offender brouhaha on Facebook and other sites.
When either the lady posting or the target cheater get Googled by a prospective employer, current employer, family member, or attorney (he may have lied about his profession, too!) - suddenly anything not literally true, or provable in court, could get someone in trouble. The target or the one posting can suffer if their employer doubts their integrity - or is concerned about hysterical derisions. If you will bad mouth a date, what won’t you say about a supervisor or company that you feel irritated with some day?
And by failing the Thumper test (”If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anyhing at all.”) you may drive away that prospect that might have been interested in a long term relationship. You showed yourself vindictive.
At least finish the grieving process, the anger, the denial, the acceptance, before reporting to the police or posting about him.
2 Nada // Aug 22, 2007 at 11:18 am
I agree. Maybe there is a point to these sites for people who are positively dangerous, but if it is so bad then it is a police matter. The problem is that people tend to believe what they read on the internet and once it’s published it is very hard to undo. Better to move on.
3 siio // Mar 29, 2008 at 3:25 pm
This is a paranoid world tighter than the a$$ of an ant. I swear if a man makes a move after a date and the girl decides a bit more dinner is required and he decides to cuss she becomes a “almost raped” victim and could have the guy fired/jailed if she so pleases.
When everyone thinks everything different is something sinister trying to destroy them connects to everyone else (everyone is running on their own parrellel line so you are just not going to like anything you see)..anyways that really concentrates the smell of all this.
4 BW // Apr 28, 2008 at 12:48 am
I know there is a danger that the site will be abused and used as a bashing board. However, there are some men out there that need to be revealed so other women will not be taken in by them, like I was. I emotionally, fincially, and physically supported a 52 yr old man, and his grown kids for 9 1/2 months, to find out he never intended to get back on his own two feet, was living a double life with young girls just at or above legal age, and using my money to contact and play with these girls.
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