Comments on: Don’t Indulge in the Blame & Shame Game

By: Compatability, Your ‘Type’, and ‘Common’ Interests - Part Three | Baggage Reclaim

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 13:19:52 +0000

[...] to get them to behave how you want or give you the relationship you profess to desire, and you blame yourself, obsess over him and the relationship, riddle yourself with self-doubt, and then try to [...]

By: Personal Happiness: What do you want? - Part Three | Baggage Reclaim

Personal Happiness: What do you want? - Part Three | Baggage Reclaim — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:02:57 +0000

[...] you can accept the situation, be accountable for your part, let go and recognise that you are human and make mistakes, and use your experience [...]

By: Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part Three | Baggage Reclaim

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:33:23 +0000

[...] Stop being so hard on yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces. You want to be [...]

By: Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part Two | Baggage Reclaim

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:38:36 +0000

[...] Don’t indulge in the blame and shame game [...]

By: | Baggage Reclaim - Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:53:03 +0000

[...] Self-blame, obsessing, and analysis is for those that don’t want to move on. Resolve to either be [...]

By: NJSpecialK

NJSpecialK — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:21:51 +0000

Hello I am new to this site/Postings. Why is it soo hard to believe that these men won’t change? I just recently broke up with my unavailable man…. he lives with his wife (or the mother of his kids) and the two kids. We met at work and he started to want to start a “friendship” with me– as he put it. And little by little I listened to his story. Of how hard life has been for him being here illegally, having to support his family here as well as in Colombia. How unhappy he is at home– that all the love has gone from a relationship that he has been in for 12 years with the mother of his kids. That he sleeps on the couch and that his kids mean the world to him and that is why he cannot just up and leave but will one day when he has his life together. So ofcourse what did I do? I proceeded to want to be the one who helped him get his life together! We started off speaking on the phone, and then soon it became a relationship. I saw him at work every day ofcourse….and then he would come to see me at my place— like once a month (Talk about taking crumbs!) And this is because I had to ASK for the time!!! Not because it came out of him to say– you know babe, I want to see you so Im gonna make time. I stood by him thick and thin. I listened, I helped, I supported…. I married him so that he could get his papers!!! (Yes ladies…. i lost my mind!) Deep down i wanted to help him as a person, but I also felt that I loved him and wanted to be the “one” who could prove to him how much love i had and also to be the one to change his life. I even bought a car under my name to help him … thank god that at least he is responsible and has not screwed me over with the payments!!! Ofcourse— I also added him onto my car insurance policy! Needless to say I do take responsibility for my participation in this whole mess…. and for believing what I wanted to believe. For allowing him to Manage down my expectations every time. For lieing to me even after all I had done! There was always an excuse …. first it was… well I cant really come see you because I dont have a car… well I got him a car! Then it was…. yes but you know that I have to go home to my kids! I have to pick them up today from Grandma’s house and stay with them. Needless to say all I ever wanted and asked for was “TIME” with him. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be patient…. but I always found myself asking for more. When I did, there always seemed to be an excuse!! Oh im such an idiot!! Because instead of bailing— I tried to be even more patient, more understanding, more supportive!!! And now eventhough I just couldn’t take his lieing anymore and i mustered all the strength to end it with him — I still can’t stop wanting or wishing to still have him as a part of my life. Its only been a week so I know– thats not a lot of time that has passed but we work together, Im married to him (legally) and we have this car and credit card situation together. I minimize our conversations to only have to do with either work or payments and do not engage or allow him to engage me into further conversations about his life or mine etc…. Like NML says: He is not my friend! But I sooo want him to be!!! Ofcourse because of my indifference, he called me the other day (I picked up– thought it was about a bill or something etc…) and he said he was sorry. That he loved me the best way he could, that he never promised me anything more, that he appreciates everything I have done. That I have changed his life and been a great friend and that I will always be special to him. That regardless of what I may think, he loves me, has missed me and wanted me to know that. I said– thank you for the phone call…I appreciate it — have a goodnite…. and continued with my indifference. Is there any chance that he could really be remorseful? Is there any chance that he could have really loved me and appreciated me? Im struggling with that right now…….. some days I see him for what he really is, and other days I just can’t help but to want to be nice and have everything be ok again! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why do I want to believe him soo bad? Why do I still want to be with this person who has lied, cheated and not valued or appreciated me although he thinks he has? Why is it so hard? Can I be friends with him? Can’t I just forgive and let it go? Ugh!!! I cant… I know…. because I cannot enable him any longer or accept his behaviour anymore. I have let too many things slide that I lost my self respect and im sure like NML says: He is just waiting for me to get over it and come around again i set a pattern in motion and he knows it. How do I get through this?

Thanks for listening

By: searchingwithin

searchingwithin — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 20:02:16 +0000

I just recently found your site, and fell head over heels in love with it. I find myself laughing at myself reading some of your articles, and realizing that it described some of my past behavior.

I have also found out, that when you forgive yourself, everything else falls into place, like magic. You instantly forgive you and him for all the injustices. You no longer need to be angry with anyone, but magically find yourself feeling indifferent instead.

By: addictedtod212

addictedtod212 — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:21:17 +0000

Ladies and NML,

I wanted to let all of you know that I finally had a breakthrough. after many weeks of mulling over everything and obsessing about the EUM, I have finally let go. I realized after our last conversation that there was nothing special about this assclown, he wasn’t “deep” or in need of understanding. He’s an asshole. period. I laid out my boudaries, etc, and he told me that if the “old” Holly, the one who bought him gifts and came to visit when he had time, didn’t exist anymore, then there was nothing left. Then, magically, the blinders came off and I saw him for the toad he is. He is a user, and always will be. I’m just sorry it took me 4 yrs to see that. It was amazing how quickly he was ready to stop talking when I put my foot down and told him I would no longer continue this charade. Thanks NML, you helped loads. I needed some thing to light a fire under me.

By: Don?t Indulge in the Blame & Shame Game »Datesoon

Don?t Indulge in the Blame & Shame Game »Datesoon — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:44:20 +0000

[...] Indulge in the Blame & Shame GameSource: Baggage Reclaim – Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women.2008-11-12 [...]

By: dazedandconfused

dazedandconfused — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:10:43 +0000

I want to thank everyone I have met on this site for their support. I have found the hardest part of all this is that most of my friends think that I just dated some guy who was not that in to me and they don’t get why I can’t move forward. It has been so helpful hearing that I am not the only person who has felt confused and drawn in by these charming men who make so many promises. I am glad that their are men and women out there who are willing to share their stories in order to help others. NML thanks for this site.

By: Katie

Katie — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:53:13 +0000

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am struggling as we speak to forgive myself and detach emotionally from what I now can see was a horribly toxic relationship. I have no idea what I would do without your wisdom at this time in my life!

By: bb

bb — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:18:41 +0000

Dazed,
I feel your pain – having been there with my eum, sometimes walking away is the hardest thing to do, especially as you’ve invested so much time and effort with this ass clown. Sometimes you need that metaphorical bop on the head to see him for what he really is.

Now is the time to start being nice to yourself, because you need to start looking after you. This might sound selfish, but think of it this way – you’ve expended all this energy on him, and the way you feel now is a product of that. Imagine if you took all of that energy and put it into taking care of you?

All the best sweetie,

By: Dazedandconfused

Dazedandconfused — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:21:49 +0000

Hi Astelle,

I did not contact him we ran into each other at the gym. He stopped going there 2 months ago and then showed up again. We ended up just chit chatting, then some text messages were sent. Otherwise no I didn’t call him up. Thanks I needed to be reminded I feel so turned upside down I am not even sure what is what. You should be proud of yourself for having cut contact… I will admit though I am not proud I lost total control at the end. I felt like a crazy woman honestly who just couldn’t handle the emotional roller coaster and some days I would lash out, then say I’m sorry, then scream at him again I seemed emotionally unstable because this was how he made me feel allllll the time. Anyhow it’s over. And when the adrenaline of the drama stops all we are left with is pain. I think I am sad because I created more drama this week, it was me who did that.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:27:37 +0000

Dazed,

You said that your EUM let his colors shine through last week? Did you get in contact with him, did you call/e-mail him?

You seem to think that he is “different” than all the other guys women on this site write about. That is not true, the stories are very familiar.
He told you to never contact him again and ugly things were said. I believe that some women cut the CONTACT before it it even got ugly – I know I did.

You said, he does not butter you up to keep you around. Dazed, he doesn’t have to, he knows you still love him!!

NML is so right, this assclown did turn the table on you!!
Please stay away from him and don’t have any contact with him.

By: Dazedandconfused

Dazedandconfused — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:07:14 +0000

Thank you. I had been doing well and getting on with life. He had changed gyms so I was completely free of him… and then there he was. I was pleasant and smiled and suddenly he took off the mask and there was no need to be nice anymore. I guess some days I “doubt” that he was an assclown as you say because I know my anxieties and issues caused me to blow up about little things. I am seeing a professional and see where I have a lot of attachment and abandonment issues. By the end of the relationship, he was kind when he broke up with me but I just lost it told him how mean he was etc. So of course we were not going to be friends! But I took this as more evidence of his lies. He does fit the mold of many of your descriptions, hot and cold, but I guess I never had PROOF that he cheated, of lies, just my gut and so I doubt myself and that I may have just said the meanest things to a person who simply did not like me and I was too pig headed to accept rejection. Perhaps it is me who is too arrogant I think? I go back and forth remembering awful things he did, but nice things he did and then think “was it just me and my overbearing clingy ways that caused him to run away?” Maybe he would have been kind… he has called me on a few occasions, we have spoken… but each time he is cold, condecending, I say I miss him he says nothing. Anyhow this week after I told him what I thought of his life he told me never to contact him again. I guess I find myself doubting as he does not fit the mold of a lot of these men these other women have dated. This went on for only a matter of months, not years. He walked out of my life at the end, said horrible things to me this week and cut me off. He seems quite confident in not needing me again and so I am confused that like many of these men he does not butter me up when he calls in order to try and keep me around. He offered this week to set me up with one of his friends!!! This does not sound like a man who needs attention from me… He has got on with his life, doesn’t ask who I am dating or seem to care if I am dead at a roadside. While he did say he would “come back for me” when we broke up he then just left. So I guess some days I think was this guy normal and it was all me because unlike these other men he is not toying with me trying to keep me around. He has rejected me on all levels, told me to never speak to him again, and certainly doesn’t seem worried that I am not calling him up. It just doesn’t seem to fit with the ego boost that they would require.