Double Standards
January 10, 2006 by NYM
It’s common knowledge that if a woman wants any kind of attention from men, platonic and/or romantic, and to be held in high esteem by the male community at large, that she needs to put her best foot forward. She should be engaging, happy, upbeat, entertaining, attractive, kind, friendly, intelligent (OK, not too intelligent. OK, not necessarily intelligent at all…), adventurous, spontaneous, sexy, healthy, young, nubile…so you get the point. Men don’t want a woman who is whiny, sad, depressed, pathetic, angry, ill, maladjusted or unhappy. (With the exception of a small group of men who thrive on having control over women or who are so emotionally screwed up themselves that they crave drama.)
Which it why it continues to baffle and disgust me that there is such a double standard. Men consistently and successfully use the manipulative tactic called the “Poor Pathetic Me Whine” (PPMW for short) to hook women. Men use it to get attention, men use it to get sex, men use it to get gifts… Come on ladies, you’ve all seen it, you’ve all heard it, and you’ve all fallen for it at least once!
It’s particularly noticeable in the cyberworld. Men with profiles on dating sites and men with blogs who are lamenting old relationships, men who have the word “loser” or “pathetic” or “desperate” in their screen or blog names. A woman who presented herself that way wouldn’t stand a chance to have anyone approach her, except for the most deeply psychotic predators. Men will steer clear of a whiner at every chance.
However, my own gender seem to flock to men who are self-deprecating, whiny, sad, desperate…As evidenced in the blogworld, as soon as a man makes remarks in a posting about what a loser or asshole he is, 50 women will flock to his blog to leave comments assuring him that he is absolutely not a loser or asshole and at least 50% of those women will offer to comfort him sexually to make him feel better. And will want to assure him that they’re kinder, more loving, and better and more generous in the sack than their last bitchy, nasty girlfriend/wife.
Men commonly use this tactic to get into a woman’s pants. They talk about how they’ve never cum from a blowjob, or that their last girlfriend never wanted to have sex, or wouldn’t have sex in the way they liked, etc. The goal with this PPMW tactic is to appeal to woman’s competitive nature and she’s supposed to say, “Oh, I know my blowjobs could make you cum.” Or “I’d do it in whatever position you wanted.” Or “I’d fuck you three times a day.” A couple of years ago, I was out on a first date with a guy I met on Lavalife. We were having a great time and had drank quite a few martinis when he started to tell me that he’d dated the same woman since he was 16 and that they had just broken up. Furthermore, she had never given him a blowjob and refused to have intercourse in any position other than missionary. Now, this man was 28 years old, very good looking with a perfect body, owned his own business…I didn’t buy it for a minute that he’d never had his cock sucked or that he’d never banged a chick from behind. But I know that he was trying to apply to my sympathetic side and expected me to say, “Oh, poor you! I’ll suck your cock. And come back to my apartment so you can do me in every position you’ve ever fantasized about.” I refused to coo over him and to tell him how selfish I thought his ex-girlfriend was. OK, sure I took him home and rode him like a pony. He was hot. But I had already decided to sleep with him about 30 seconds into the date, so his PPMW had nothing to do with it.
Now, this all brings me to a question that has baffled me for a long time. Why are men to be pitied for not getting sex, or not getting enough sex (LOL yeah, that one’s my favourite, too), or for not getting good enough sex or for not having all of their fantasies fulfilled? I leave you to ponder this important question until next Tuesday when I’ll return with Part II of Double Standards in which I’ll sound off about how married men use PPMW to try to get totty on the side.
About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.
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[...] The most cliché and obnoxious examples of PPMW (“Poor Pathetic Me Whine”)routinely come from married men. Married men are like a dating plague. They’re on dating sites, they’re at bars, they’re on blogs, and they’re preying on single women. If I had a dime for every time a married man approached me and claimed that his wife, or his “recently separated” (yeah, right) wife wouldn’t sleep with him, I’d be able to buy and sell Richard Branson 10 times over. [...]
[...] I was about to mail off my column to NML entitled “How NYM Discovered Great Sex,” when I got a call from a friend which provided me with a prime example of a man using the PPMW (poor pathetic me whine) tactic, and I couldn’t resist sharing the story. Her co-worker’s boyfriend, who is here in NYC visiting her from Germany, called her. She’d only ever met him a couple of times at some work functions. During the call he told her that he’d had a fight with his girlfriend and that he wanted my friend to meet him for a drink so he could talk about what happened and that he needed a shoulder to cry on. He had called her because she was the only other person he knew in NYC. Apparently he said some awful things to his girlfriend and told my friend, “I say mean things when I get angry.” [...]
[...] The thing about this non-person is that he operates as a divorce with a passive-aggressive ex-wife and two step-children, and his M.O. is the PPMW (poor pathetic me whine). He’s self-deprecating and self-abusive and tries to hook women by trying to make them feel sorry for him. [...]
[...] that getting him would lift me to prime status, I was an emotional wreck. Men love doing the Poor Pathetic Me Whine - “She doesn’t understand me. She won’t give me a blowjob. She’s needy. She [...]
[...] the fact that there are OTHER characteristics that are holding them back. This also falls under the Poor Pathetic Me Whine Quick solution: Shut up and put up. Nobody needs to hear how you’re the nicest person ‘ever’ [...]
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