Comments on: Dropping the illusion of words to be action focused in your relationships

By: Kati

Kati — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 16:40:19 +0000

hello everyone
i’ve been seeing my boyfriend for eight months and it was amazing to start with. i had just broken up from a long term relationship when he ‘rescued’ me, i was in bits (i ended my previous relationship but it was after a lot of heartache) and he was a shoulder to cry on.
we started dating and he made me feel so amazing, beautiful, he would lavish compliments and wine, food on me, be spontaneous and sexy. i was hooked big time.
but then around two to three months in, we had sex and that was amazing too, he began talking a lot of his ex-girlfriends. all of them had done him wrong in some way, he didn’t really have anything nice to say about any of them. the only one of them still in his life was his long term ex-gf who was a mate of his. i hadn’t got a problem with this but i could see that he often tried to make me jealous though telling me how much he spoke to her. i didn’t bite though because i’m not the jealous type.
to cut a long story short, his ex-gf is no longer his friend because she has tried to contact me via email and facebook to tell me to be careful, not to give this guy everything because she had a nervous breakdown and he left her for another woman. i felt sorry for this girl but never thought he would treat me in the same way as he treated her. i guess all women think they’re going to be the special one. i bought it.
these days we are still seeing each other and he has spoken of me moving in with him but it seems like (typical of our relationship full stop) that it would be all on his terms. there’s no room for any of my stuff because his house is a tip and i’ve made it clear i won’t move in until some serious decorating happens (which i’ve offered to help with).
i’m not holding my breath as it’s been ages and he says how much he loves me and wants a future with me but nothing seems to happen. he says a lot of weird stuff too. we can be having a perfectly normal conversation then he might say ‘i need to get inside your head, you won’t let me in though’. that weirded me out!
i’m still in love with the guy i met at the start of the relationship, the one who made me feel good about myself again but right now i don’t feel so good because he doesn’t seem to make a lot of effort. he also seems to be chipping away at my self-esteem, i used to be a lot more confident but i feel pretty low sometimes. i know i need to break free but i can understand how this type of ‘love’ is really addictive.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 20:17:08 +0000

Too bad I didn’t read this months and months ago. Who knows maybe if I did it wouldnt have made much of a difference since I thought that if I loved him enough or if I helped him see the light he would be ok. Even when he told me he was going to leave her- he back tracked. For all you ladies out there who are considering starting a realtionship with a married man i beg you RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION RIGHT AWAY. It’s only going to lead you to misery and heartache-period.
If you conversing with a married man who is telling you how unhappy he is with his marriage-could be true-could be a lie. CLOSE YOUR EARS AND RUN. Don’t be his shoulder to cry on. Tell him to go talk to his clergy, go get a therapist, talk to his wife-ANYONE but you. Listen to these men and their tales of woe is only going to possible suck you into caring about him. Point is you shouldn’t be talking to him about marriage problems, their his issues to deal with. And heaven forbid if you are in a relationship beleive me when I say this-you can’t “fix” him, and don’t think that if you “love him enough” that this will be the catalyist for him to leave her. NOT going to happen. Also, consider this why are you lowering yourself to even be involved with a married man in the first place????? That says a lot about you as a person. Why would you do that? Ask yourself this. You may be suprised to hear the answer. Then take that info and go seek help yourself. Redirect your energy on you -where it belongs and not someone else’s husband no matter what sob story they tell you. I made the mistake. After I found out I was already in very deep and in love. Once I found out I gave him the ultimatium and of course it came to pass and he stayed with her. Now I am left picking up the pieces of my own shattered hopes. And I am moving on with my life which DOESN’T include waiting for him to sort out his life. Cause it just ain’t gonna happen. I finally faced that reality.
SO I am begging you please-if you know they are married run. If you find out they are married -run as quickly as possible- Please learn from my expierience-save yourself.

By: Hot Alpha Female

Hot Alpha Female — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:46:37 +0000

Really love that you remind women that the ultimate responsibility of their dating lives is completely and utterly 100% in their own hands.

Imagine all the drama we could miss?

Hot Alpha Female
Your Go To Girl For Dating Advice
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Latest Post: The â€œHeâ€™s Just Not That Intoâ€ Rules. Do They Really Apply?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 19:19:17 +0000

I really like this one!

I’m going through this realization right now with my ex and he’s such an assclown I’m really surprised I didn’t wise up sooner. We were together for 2 years (in a very emotional/abusive/intense relationship) and after a rough breakup (which I intiated) he wanted to have a ‘long distance’ relationship and said he still wants to marry me and have kids in the next couple of years. Becuase I was fighting lonliness (and still am) I agreed. He was in constant contact then out of nowhere he dropped out of site and I freaked out and thought something happened to him. A week or so after waiting for him to give me a sign of life I realized something’s strange about the situation and I found him on a social networking site, online. I was so shocked. It got worse, though. I then found out that he had been communicating with not just one but several girls and trying to have sex with one girl and also a relationship with another.

Well I followed him for a couple days and saw that the girls weren’t responding to him positively and then out of nowhere guess what? An email. Him saying he’s sorry he hasn’t contacted me but some ‘stuff’ has been happening in his life and he needs time alone but he still loves me.

I couldn’t help but laugh. If he only knew that I was aware of his bullshit. Needless to say I didn’t respond and then yesterday he tried calling me when yet another girl didn’t respond to his advances and now I’ve gotten rid of everything that reminds me of him and I’ve been reading this site non-stop to keep me on a positive route of self-realization and change. I take strength in all the articles, comments, and stories…it really gives me a reason to remember that I’m worth much better and don’t need such an assclown.

Here’s to all the woman who have kicked these jackasses to the curb! Cheers

By: Kay

Kay — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:22:09 +0000

Wow! I really liked this post! This website in general has helped me kick my EUM to the curb and deal with all the issues that come up after (what to do when he tries to contact, how to deal with seeing him with another woman, etc) So NML, thanks sooo much!! One suggestion/request, this post (and others) mentions ensuring that your self esteem is high, could you provide tips on what your readers could do to build self esteem? Thanks!

By: fouad

fouad — Fri, 29 May 2009 19:33:35 +0000

in fact, talking about illusion seems an endless subject particularly when we meet in our daily lives some people who creat their own world in an attempt to escape from their reality. this topic reminds me of a play written by an Irish playroght. it is “Juno and the paycock”. it deals with a family whose reality is blurred since it lives below the poverty line, but this is not what im driving at since as the saying goes” poverty is not sin”. this family believed that coming up with a dream world will help it discard the bitter reality, however, it would be plausible if it faces it rather than succumbing the illusioin that will be the main cause which will contribute to its disintegration.
as a matter of fact, i stumble upon many stories in reality like the afore-stated one , but the difference it makes is that peopel tend to grapple with such probems in different ways and the only wise people who succeed to surmount their intolerable reality that is bursting with misery, sadness, dejection, poverty…

By: Anusha

Anusha — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:52:56 +0000

That was my problem with my ex EUM,he used to say he loved me but his actions never matched with his words.He would act like somebody who didnt care by staying days without contact,not iniciating contact,not doing romantic things.But every time I asked he would insist that he loved me.Im on NC with him now(4 weeks today) and he havent tried to contact me and I dont think he will either.I will tell my story.We broke up 5 months ago and right after the break up I emailed him asking if we could keep the contact,he took 3 weeks to answer that email.During those 3 weeks I sent him another email and texts that he ignored.After 3 weeks he sent a email saying we could keep contact.I wasnt much happy for him making me wait 3 weeks for a answer so I didnt send anything back.10 days later he sent me a text for my birthday and since this day on we started to text everyday with him iniciating it(something he havent done for a while in the relationship so I got pretty surprised by it).That went for about 2 months and during that time we would talk about sex too.Because of money reasons I had to stop the texts so we changed to a email every 3 days.I wasnt much sure about the sex and it felt to me like something we not suposed to be doing so I cut it.And his behaviour totaly changed after that,he started emailing every 2 weeks and he wouldnt do the texts that he sometimes did yet.He sent 2 or 3 more emails and said he wanted to stop them a while ago.He said he doesnt like how is now,that he fells he cant express his fellings and say everything he wants anymore and he refuses it has anything to do with the sex being cut.He last emailed me about 2 weeks ago,after 3 weeks and he had put so litle effort in the email that I just decided to go NC.So now Im NC with him,he havent heard from me for 4 weeks now and I havent heard from him for 2 weeks.

By: kimba

kimba — Mon, 25 May 2009 15:24:11 +0000

Emotional setback…sharing this to get some insight or to help anyone that may be in the same spot. If you have not read my posts…Was dumped by the disappearing act in january after a relationship with a guy that blew so hot…thought he was open, honest and ‘the one’…our last conversation we spoke on the phone in Jan to plan a visit for the following week and two days later he ignored my texts and calls. I was a mess trying to figure out if I was Played, if any of it was real…or wtf could have happened.

He was recently back in town for a weekend and saw him at a distance. thankfully I was feeling better after almost four months of it being over. Without going into detail – there was no way we could have approached each at the at time but I know he saw me…I found myself praying he would call, checking the phone, wishing I would bump into him on the street and falling back into the ‘old’ terrible confusion and emotional overload of not knowing what really happened, feeling worthless and sad and so forth….He is now gone again, and even after what I have read on this site – again and again – “it” is back. The questions and emotions.
No, I am not dreaming of wanting him back…I wish I could have some concrete fact of what really happened, what he is doing now or what sparked the immediate dismissal without explanation like I was street trash.

I understand the No Contact Rule, although I need to tell you…the disappearing act played on me has been pretty tough. I still believe that people do need that last call for closure even if they are ass clowns.

By: truthhurts

truthhurts — Thu, 14 May 2009 12:28:18 +0000

Well, to finish my story. Thank god my EUM doesnÂ´t take long to expose his true self again. While he was emailing me about going backpacking together I later saw that he at the exact same time was posting very flirty, sexually tinted, comments on a mutul friends facebook.
And he too, just like DeÂ´s xEUM had forgotten something import about me that I had told him several times when we were dating. His response when I confronted him with that: “well, I remember most of what you told me”.
With that it ended again and I have not responded and gone back to No Contact. Without a lot of regrets or heartbreak this time. He is what he is, and it just isnÂ´t good enough.

By: Tulipa

Tulipa — Thu, 14 May 2009 03:23:06 +0000

I too am so grateful for this site, it is from all the stories and good advice that I have gone no contact and one thing that really registered with me was “actions speak louder thatn words”
I started to look at his words as opposed to his actions and realized I had made myself a fully fledged fallback girl.
In our last conversation we had he asked what was the one thing he could change about himself .. I said for me you need to match up your words with your actions they don’t match (I had attempted several times to talk to him about this issue but it fell on deaf ears..)
He then asked if it had always been like that throughout our time of dating .. I said no it was actually good in the beginning.. afterwards I thought I’d given him more amunition to play the next lady that is in his life..
It will be like when I told him I consider him to be an emotional unavailable man he then went on to use this information as an excuse to act the did not to try and change himself.
I too wish you all the best truthhurts.. I know sometimes what a struggle no contact can be and have to fight to kill off the drama queens that lies within…

By: De

De — Wed, 13 May 2009 12:24:41 +0000

Good for you truthurts, yuk, I know that whole checking out other girls thing, ignoring, being rude. You deserve the best and he is not it!!

By: De

De — Wed, 13 May 2009 12:20:09 +0000

Thanks Aphrogirl

I guess the thing that saddens me the most is that they play on us and we want to believe they care, really care about us. Then their weird psycho tricks of enmeshing us turns around so they can then accuse us of being the sick ones. This has been my most horrific experience and the pain of trying to turn it back around is so energy killing, going over incidents, ‘what did I do to make them think that…why do they hate me so much, I haven’t done anything except be open to possiblity. Trying to remember that before them you were a pretty normal person, ok I know I have my neurosis but to get involved with this kind of man just adds so much fuel to the fire in the end it becomes all consuming and your neurosis becomes something else, something so saddening and maddening. The untangling of truth and lies and manipulations is soul and heart destroying and I know I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I am winning the battle, sometimes it feels so uphill though when one of them comes back and pretends they are your friend and you put your guard down and then they turn it around and make you the crazy one. I was just accused of being the one in love and wanting him and it wasn’t true..I liked him and somehow that is a sin and they hate you for it and think that gives them permission to become nasty. You back off, they come at you again. I hate it. I don’t want to give up on love and am sad to say goodbye on such bad terms, because they make me the one at fault. Damn it!! Actions and words, words and actions, sometimes none of it makes sense.

I wonder NML if you could talk about ‘enmeshment’ sometime, cause it is a very dangerous place to allow yourself to be put.

peace

By: truthhurts

truthhurts — Wed, 13 May 2009 08:59:55 +0000

Thanks for all your support. I immediately posted here after his email cause I didnÂ´t see this coming. ThatÂ´s the problem with these EUMs. Even when I thought I was over him, thought I was well prepared to maintain my boundaries and keep the upperhand. Somehow he is so unpredictable and knows so well how to get on my good side that before I knew it I was getting sucked in again. Wondering what he meant, analysing his words.

If there is even the tyniest bit of feelings or hope or illusion left you will allways loose with these guys. Because they will NEVER on their own accord or out of their own sense of decency take your feelings into account. In these kind of relationships you are the only one looking out for you. And if you for some reason at some point arenÂ´t able to fully do so you will get used/betrayed/victimized.

Anyway, I wrote him back saying I donÂ´t have time to waste going out camping with him while I need to be looking for a future husband.
I know, itÂ´s not a flat out rejection…

De, you are right. I am going to visualize him being rude to me, ignoring me, checking out other women, being negative and pitying himself in the Asian jungle. And me feeling utterly alone, rejected and crying in the Asian junge. I must not be kidding myself that he has changed.

By: ph2072

ph2072 — Wed, 13 May 2009 05:04:56 +0000

Open Your Heart To The Love: Sad to say this, but your ex-casanova sounds just like my brother. He can mold himself to fit ANY woman’s dreams. And based on my observations of my brother, casanovas are actually empty inside and looking for something… what it is, who the hell knows. But they leave a LOT in their aftermath and many of them refuse to get help, like my brother. They blame everyone, especially the women in their lives, for all their woes without looking at themselves and taking responsibility.

As for me, been there and done that with 2 men who I’ve talked about on here before. One was with his (now ex-) girlfriend for 11 years and we messed around very on-and-off during that time {it was THAT kind of friendship (no sex though)}. He dumped her after wasting 11 years of her life, continued messing with me for a couple months afterwards until I finally stopped it because he wouldn’t commit to me, and of course he got a new girlfriend immediately afterwards. I cut him off completely, forgave myself for CHOOSING to continue with him even though he was (and still is) an assclown, and moved on and I’m SO glad I did. (I heard that the loser still asks about me. Whatever.) The 2nd man has been with his girlfriend for 6 years and I fell for his bullshit, i.e. “She doesn’t have sex with me (and by the way, we never had sex either and was trying to get me into bed by saying that), she’s so mean to me, she’s……” (insert bullshit excuses anywhere). My best friend said something that made the lightbulb go off – she said he was a scumbag for not fighting to keep custody of his kids and always talking bad about their mother. I called him that night and stopped it immediately.

Men like this don’t think about anyone but themselves. They’re co-dependent, vain, narcissistic, and selfish individuals who, when it boils down to it, are all about themselves. It doesn’t matter what persona they present to the world and even in their private relationships because it’s all a bullshit facade.

Keep your heads up ladies. And as usual, thanks again NML for speaking the truth.

By: aphrogirl

aphrogirl — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:49:03 +0000

You are in my thoughts, the children thing could be slightly amusing if it was not cruel due to circumstance. How a man could ” forget” the fact that you can’t have children shows his irreverence, he never listened to you.

It is good to be someone who still wants to believe in love, that is what makes love possible. But the manipulative, the arses and the clowns make me realize that some people are so damaged that they are willing to play love like a game and take those unaware down with them. They do not believe in good love, and I found the danger of being with an AC is that his trite take on love brought despair and unhappiness into my life and started to make me doubt my own belief in good love.

I have learned to leave the trite version of love alone and hold fast to the ideals of good love in my own heart. By reading all the stories here I hope that I will be able to spot assclownery if it ever appears in my life again.

I do not use the expression God Bless often, but here De I am truly wishing it for you.