Comments on: Emotional Unavailability: He Blows Hot & Cold – You become ‘The Pursuer’

By: blackgnat

blackgnat — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:45:52 +0000

This article so applies to me that I am ashamed-I always felt I had great self esteem but maybe not….I don’t know how to get it back. I definitely wouldn’t want him if he were available, so I KNOW that I am as messed up as he is.

How did I get here?

By: Laura

Laura — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 14:08:17 +0000

Debbie,

You weren’t in the wrong for showing up at his job. A good man, a caring man, would have wanted to make sure he was treating you well.

I know how hard it is. But like someone else said, waiting for them to apologize and treat us differently is a waste of time.

Laura

By: Alika

Alika — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:33:30 +0000

Debbie, I am so sorry…Your ex is an awful man…please try to forget him, even it’s very very difficult after 4 years!

My man never was rude to me, he just disappeared without any explanations (after saying he loves me)…and didnt contact me for 17 days now and I didnt contact him either, I do not want to humiliate myself! I am glad that I waisted only three months of my life with this loser!

Please leave him alone, he is not worth it Debbie! We all want to believe that one day they will contact us and beg us for forgiveness, but do you want to trust him yet again after all these screamings and humiliation?!

By: Laura

Laura — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:09:47 +0000

Hey FinallyOverIt,

Thanks for the response. It really helped.

Laura

By: debbie

debbie — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:04:52 +0000

please could somebody help me with some advice with a current situation. The man i’ve been sleeping with for 4 years i truly believe is an EUM. He blows hot and cold pulls disappearing acts for weeks sometimes months ata time and comes back has open relationships with other women and most recently has some women in his house that he claims he isn’t sleeping with but why is she in your house and answering your phone I ask him.

The first time he basically he told me that she was just a friend he was helping out in a tough time and she would be gone soon. This was in April. Now 3 months later I call to see what was up for the weekend as always and the same women from 3 months ago is in the house and once again answering the phone. My blood boiled immediately. I was so tight that i could chew nails.

So I emailed and asked why if you took care of the situation in April is she back in your house? I never got a response so what I did which now i know was a stupid move on my part I went down to his job when i new he would get off to dicuss this with him in an adult way.

Well let me tell you it didn’t turn out the way that I had hoped it would and this man out and out cursed me out right there in front of his job on a crowded city street people all over the place looking at him screaming at me. I felt so embarrassed. he told things like get away from him, to leave him the F*** alone, he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say etc…

Now i am the point where i am wondering if i’ll ever here from him again. If for no other reason but to get an apology for him blasting me the way that he did because even though i was in the wrong fopr showing up as his job I didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.

What is anybodys take on this and what should I do if anything.

By: cleonic

cleonic — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:56:57 +0000

Wow! I am so glad I found this website. I can relate with everything I’ve read here. I just recently end a relationship with a EUM. It was insane! He was totally into me for three months. He wanted me to meet his family and talked about me moving in with him. He sent me cards, flowers and went out of his way to make me feel special. He asked for a picture of me and framed it! I would have an email or a text from him by the time I got to work and he always wanted to by with me. I was hesitant at first but then I felt that I could trust him and let myself really fall for him. When I did, he dropped me. He had the dumbest reasons for breaking up me ( like we didn’t like the same music!). Then he told me that he didn’t have any feelings…not just for me but about anything ( which is really sad if you think about it). I feel like for three months he was pretending to care for me. Which is the worst feeling because how do you trust after that? Was that deep connection that I was feeling not real? It makes me feel like a fool. We got back together after a few days but it was never the same because he was then hot and cold! One day he couldn’t get enough of me then the next I wouldn’t hear from him. When I contacted him half the time he made me feel like I was bothering him. After about a month of this, I realized that it was consuming me and ended it. He acted like he didn’t even give a shit. I have adopted the no contact role. It has been easy not to call or text him since I acknowledged that he wasn’t healthy for me. But there are other ways to have contact. At first I would look at his myspace page everyday but I have forced myself to stop that. I do think about him often and wonder if he is missing me ect. I just try to remind myself to be proud that I took control of the situation. But that is a lot easier said then done. This website and these messages have given me great insight to this relationship as well ones from the past. I just wanted to thank every women out there who helped me see that I wasn’t alone in this.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:09:52 +0000

Laura, I know it is very hard. Especially when the “relationship” is so undefined and confusing, it leaves us wanting to figure it out and give it some kind of validation. Truth be told, I really think us “fall back girls” think about things way too much and try to figure things out with our EUMs, and they are just sitting around living their life and not giving us or their warped behavior a second thought! It can become borderline obsessive that we give so much of our emotional/mental energy into these pathetic little man-boys, and the truth is they don’t deserve an ounce of our time or our thoughts. It’s almost like they are so distant and disconnected from themselves that it makes us fight even harder to get them to pull their heads out of their @sses. But, the important thing to remember is that if they came running to us saying they wanted to be with us forever, we wouldn’t want them because they are damaged and unable to be what we REALLY want in a partner. It’s really kind of messed up……

By: Laura

Laura — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:29:50 +0000

I agree that it’s good to ask the questions. Last time I spoke with my EUM (2 months ago) I asked what he intends to do when the girl he’s with now finds out that he’s been talking to me secretly all this time.

Him and I were together years ago and started talking again last spring. I had no intentions or interest in getting back together for the longest time. We slept together a couple of times. He ran hot and cold with me. All the while living with this girl. And all the while I was telling myself, I’m smarter, more educated, more attractive, etc. etc. than the girl he’s with so he’s of course going to leave her to be with me again.

And he gave me every indication that this was his thinking, too. IN my mind it was just a matter of timing. I believed he was plotting his escape from her and just trying to do it in the best possible way.

Ha!

But of course we’ve been back in touch about 14 months now and he actually disappeared two months ago. After the phone conversation where I asked him what he was going to do with his current girlfriend finds out that we’ve been talking.

His response was she’s not going to find out.

I was stunned. In my mind, how could she not find out. Him and I were going to be together and then it would be no secret.

I’ll spare you all the details of the call but I asked him very pointed questions. The picture he gave me was basically, he considered me a friend (like he’s even any kind of friend to me – not any type of friend I consider good). I asked if that all he ever wants.

He wouldn’t say yes to that. Instead he said something like, I don’t know what’s going to happen two months from now.

Well, it’s two months later and like others have said, I’ve had time to kind of swish things around in my mind. And I am now disgusted by the whole thing and acutely aware of how disrespected I have been.

Through the course of these two months I was luck enough to find this site and read all the stories. I ran hot and cold with the stories. Sometimes I would feel so connected to them. Other times I would kid myself and justify how MY relationship was different.

If I sat down I could very handily write out 20 or 30 things that he’s done which are SO disrespectful – just off the top of my head. But I don’t hate myself anymore. I know I deserve better.

By: Susan

Susan — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 04:32:36 +0000

Annied,
I did the same thing you described. Got together to find out “what he wanted to say to me” (this is how it started out) and then, of course, what he wanted to say was, let’s go get some dinner, blah, blah, blah. One more time for me and I did say very directly, What exactly is it that you want from me? Answer: I want you to be in my life forever. Me: And that means what? Answer: What I said. I asked more specific questions and what I heard blew me away and he didn’t even know it. Thought it was fine. I let it simmer in my head for a while and then I got more and more (not angry really), but disgusted. Disrepected. And we had had at one time a good thing or maybe it wasn’t ever what I thought. At any rate, I’ve awakened. No more. No.
You can do it. Go for it. Ask the follow-up questions if you get these vague answers…as in What does that MEAN exactly?
Susan

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:13:26 +0000

Yes, there are SO MANY good songs (mostly written by women) about EUMs, which brings home the fact that these men have been around for centuries and have messed women up enough so that they channel their frustrations and anger into writing songs about it. Alanis Morissette is another good song writer about EUMs. Oh, and Duffy, her new CD is awesome–she wrote this song called Stepping Stone–”I will never be your stepping stone–take it all, or leave me alone.” Anyway, I guess music is part of my healing process! Take care, ladies.

By: bbp

bbp — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:02:45 +0000

Shadowboxer – good call FinallyOverIt. There’s so many good ones. Crazy by Patsy Cline another good one.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:00:13 +0000

Being on the emotional rollercoaster is hard with an EUM. Trying to justify, question, analyze and disect them is part of the process of letting go. Because we all know that is what we need to do. It seems we are all at different parts of the journey–but we know the end result is that we need to walk away from them once and for all, and then begin to heal the wounds we have incurred. There are no clear answers, we all will know when it’s time to jump off the rollercoaster once and for all…..

By: annied

annied — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:50:17 +0000

Susan,

Exactly! When my EUM started sniffing around just recently, I asked him just that –
what do you want from me? He could not tell me. He said “i dont want anything, I just miss you” Which we all know is total BS. And yet, this Fallback Girl jumped in the sack with him anyway.

Now I am suffering the consequences of my actions. Already he is pulling back. I see what he is doing. As a test, I asked him if he had a good time on Friday night. (the night we were together) and he made a joke about it until I got angry. Then he finally says, “Why? It sounds like a loaded question.” wtf? How is asking if you had a good time a loaded question?

It is a loaded question if you are a EUM from Hell. I could feel the fear in him. Then he finally said, “Yea, I really needed it.” IT. Not me. Not our time together (when he was so sweet) – he needed “it”.

He can find another recepticle. Cuz it wont be me anymore. However, I AM going to ask one more time: What do you want from me. This time I am going to get an answer. I want to hear it. I am ready.

By: Susan

Susan — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:21:58 +0000

I think it helps to be blunt and direct which Fallback Girls rarely want to do because of what they might hear. Asking, what is it that you really want from me? What is it? Then listen VERY carefully to what is said. Chances are you’ll hear in the words (not the tone, not the gaze of the eyes) but in the words things that will disgust you and make you want to push him out the door. You can truly lose all interest this way. But you have to ask…you have to want to hear…what is it that he truly wants from you? And when? Where? How? Specifics…oh, so specific.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 23:48:05 +0000

Here is a perfect song about EUMs (by Fiona Apple)

Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, now my friend
You creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees
It’s evil my love
The way you let your grace enrapture me
I would have to be a fool
To ever let that dirty game recapture me
You made me a shadow boxer
I need to be ready for what you do
I’ve been swinging around me
Cause I don’t know when you’ll make your move
Your gaze is dangerous
And you fill your space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You’ll cast your spell on me
So darling I just want to say
In case I don’t come through
I was onto every play
I just wanted you
It’s so evil now
How you’ve no reverence for my concern
So I need to stay wary of you
To save the pain
of once my flame
and twice my burn