Throughout your dating and relationship history, you’ve ended relationships and felt that whatever had happened had galvanised change, only for you to find yourself in a similar or worse situation all over again. But if you have truly experienced self-defining, life galvanising change as a result of a relationship, you have experienced an Epiphany Relationship.
An Epiphany Relationship is a relationship that caused you to have a sudden clarity and insight into that particular relationship, yourself, your actions, and potentially all of your relationships. There is a defining moment within this relationship where everything changed for you and suddenly you couldn’t escape the truth and it became life changing.
I had had a series of moments in my life where I was glimpsing the truth about myself and relationships, but I was put on the path to change when I woke up after five months of being in a ‘relationship’ with an ambiguous Mr Unavailable and suddenly thought ‘I can’t do this!’ We’d spent the previous evening together, laughing, joking and appearing to be a happy-go-lucky couple. As he got ready to leave my flat the following morning though, it occurred to me that the ambiguity cloud had returned again. He kissed me on the cheek and said ‘Speak soon’ and it occurred to me that I had no idea when I would hear from or see this man who had just spent the night with me. I realised that we were NOT in a relationship and this guy was completely taking the piss!
I lay in my bed and it occurred to me that funny as my dating escapades had been, I had a penchant for emotionally unavailable men and destructive relationships that eroded at my self-esteem and promoted my until then secret and unknown fear of commitment. As I played my dating and relationship showreel through my mind, I cringed at my truth as a parade of dubious relationships where I clearly wasn’t happy went trotting by.
From that moment onwards, life wasn’t the same for me again and to this day I put a lot of effort into sharing my thoughts on emotional unavailability and commitment-phobia because there are a hell of a lot of women out there just like me. I’m lucky that I had my Epiphany Relationship but not everybody gets the trigger.
The key with Epiphany Relationships is that it makes it difficult for you to return back to your old behaviours and patterns because from then on, you’re doing it consciously and that means that the responsibility for your outcome lands squarely with you. These defining moments are difficult to ignore and they can throw out some painful realisations about yourself, but it can be the beginning of a better relationship with yourself, which leads to a better life all round.
The great thing about Epiphany Relationship’s is that from something that could be perceived as negative can come a great deal of positivity. I may not give a monkeys about the Mr Unavailable that gave me my epiphany but thanks to his inability to connect, I’ve been set free from the constraints that I had put myself in and I am most definitely far happier now – without him!
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NML
NML, this is so absolutely true and I’ve noticed that once a woman has an Epiphany Relationship, the next one ends up being the real deal. I just wish the Epiphany happened earlier rather than later…lol.
I find this read most helpful,and added enlightenment .I have went through my share of realtionships only to feel empty and confused as to my own behaviors,in my history. Having been married very young and divorced 18 years Ive also wondered if in fact it were I that was emotionaly unavailable. Growth through the tears -self imposed prehaps. I long for the day the unit of completeness arrives. Yet there are areas of growth yet to go through.This reafirms that which I have pieced for my own self truth.To find I am not so off the charts gives reasurance to continue self evaluation.This being said, I might add.That in my Epiphany; I have found going to seek advice of those on the “professional level” can have imput but it must come from inside.Take what you know to be your truth and ponder the rest. I look forward to future reads as this. Having access to looking from the out side in gives open minded,a fresh start.
How true.
My Epiphany is strikingly similar. After a night together the guy says to me “I suppose I ought to send you a text” [the missing bit of the sentence is “once I have decided whether I want to commit to a relationship or not”].
A text!!!!!!! What was I to expect, something like “You’re hired!” a-la Sir Alan Sugar?
Sure enough the text never came and after not answering the phone for five long days he managed to call and dump me. But by that time he had missed the surprise factor.
brilliant site! brilliant article~! seriously the best i have come across in my mad efforts to come to terms with my recent Ephiphany experience. we were great friends, heading towards luuurve, and then it crashed and burned and he became Mr Unavailable but Still There Kind Of, and i became Desperate Loser yoyo Girl.
keep writing… thank you!
This is so absolutely true…my moment of epiphany was last year. Great post!
Aha! this moment occurred last week for me and having stumbled across this website, I actually have the confidence to move forward and not blame myself. To have a man tell me he can date me only if he doesn’t get emotionally attached was the most absurd and brutal eye opener of all. Wow, what have I been accepting and attracting from men? Could not have been more obvious, but to me it was the final straw and epiphany to an end of a cycle. Fabulous blog! Guess we are all blinded by hopes of love.
I am getting out of degrading and yet insightful relationship with an EUM.
Men with slight EUM tendencies have always suited me well because even though I am open,giving, loving and able to receive…. I have never wanted to be committed to a man for the rest of my life, as in marriage.
I want to be able to leave easily if it gets dismal. More than half the woman I know in decades long marriages are in an unhappy holding pattern. Anybody know that John Prime song…Angel from Montgomery ?
So, I have never wanted long term commitments. My first experience with a real ass clown ( in middle age !) was fascinating, in that I was willing to accept such degrading behavior and still want attention from a perp who appeared unable to give anything. Even worse, I actually started to convince myself that he was a very special person. On another level I knew something was wrong, and those two things together were so confusing.
And I am staring to see that, just as described above, this is an epiphany relationship that has helped me mature.
I am becoming free of my desire for him, that is the important part. Always knew there was something wrong….
Lots of good thoughts here, thank you.
Wow. I think I’ve had that – as well as reading about the experiences with people using the net for dating (this is only day 2 of finding Baggage Reclaim) I got a mail from someone who had been “busy” etc and it ended in the word … soon.
Previously I’d have taken that as enticing, now I am seeing that word and not replying. Thanks NML!
Thank you for this. I Had an epiphany a month ago with my ex. Same situation, the night before we had a great time. Earlier that same day he had called before my interview just to offload his work crap on me, oh yeah, and to wish me good luck. THe next day he called me to “make him happy” because he was having another bad work day. I called him a couple minutes later after receiving a call that I got the job. His reaction was “what?” in a sarcastic tone and “how much does it pay?” and “Your going to have to find someone else to hang out with because I have work stuff that came up”… I realized that moment that he would never be there for me to celebrate my successes or when I truly need him.. Three weeks earlier I sprained my ankle, he indirectly caused this. He bailed that week that I could not walk due to supposed work overload. This epiphany was a slow build up and then BANG. I broke up with him that day. It was hard because I never want to kick someone when they’re down. But he had all ready cheated on me and I bailed on my self respect then. I don’t know why this was the moment but it just was. I realize now I need to take time to figure out why I hook up with these guys, what I need to change to help me value myself more and not get hooked in with these guys. I am now so angry at myself but that is part of the healing stages. I need to get to the point where I accept myself then I will be open to changing how I see relationships. I’ve only been in ones that were clearly one sided. Thank God for epiphanies. It is painful, emotionally and physically because we feel we betrayed ourselves. But all in all, it’s about treating us like the lost little girls we are with unconditional love and nurture our hurts to where we can love real men and know when we’re ready to be in a healthy relationship. I’m 39, no children so am definitely trying to work on that “desperate” feeling as well. It is gross to be this way and am working on it.
I had an “epiphany” relationship in the 80’s. It made me realize that I did not want to marry. Since then, I’ve had two relationships, then went 10 years without a date, then recently had an A/C experience.
I’m still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from the A/C experience.