Epiphany

September 14, 2005 by NYM

NYM cartoon Nothing clears the head like a good, hard workout at the gym. When you’ve burned every single ounce of available energy and then some, your mind doesn’t have fuel to waste on nonsensical feelings and thoughts. Saturday morning while walking home after an hour and a half of pumping iron and riding the Precor machine, I had an important epiphany.

I’ve been notoriously bitter and jaded about men since the age of 17, when all of my girlhood Cinderella fairytale fantasies were dashed to bits by my “first love.” He crushed my innocent and naive little heart, forever altering my view of the world of adult relationships. Since that initial traumatic jolt, each successive relationship and romantic experience with men has served to solidify and to corroborate this jaded image.

What I learned from my first relationship, and from every other interaction with, the “not so fair sex” is that men are not to be trusted. That they are selfish, adolescent, un-evolved creatures that are willing say and do anything to obtain a desired end. Whether that immediate desire is sex, material gain, an ego boost or whatever else, the employed tactics are the same. I learned to be suspicious of any man who tells me they love me, or are attracted to me, or who make any other professions of affection or esteem, or promises of future attentions or material gifts.

I know…You must be wondering where all of this background information is going…

So, here’s the epiphany: Maybe all of this anger and bitterness has been misdirected. Maybe I’ve been spending all of these years directing my anger towards men and feeling like a victim, when all along my anger and bitterness has really been subconsciously directed at myself. Maybe this anger and bitterness stems from a subconscious realization that I’ve not utilized my power and have actually allowed these men to treat me in the way that they have.

This is not to say that these men haven’t acted like complete wankers, or that their actions weren’t deliberately selfish and hurtful. And this is certainly not to say that my feelings of anger and hurt at their actions haven’t been justified. But maybe, deep down inside, I’m cognizant of the fact that, had I heeded the warnings of my own intuition, I could have saved myself much heartache.

Maybe the truth is, that I need to work on setting boundaries, and listening to my inner guide. Did I receive early clues that every one of these guys was bad news? Yes. Did I have a choice at the time their wankerish tendencies started to rear their ugly horns, to cut off contact? Yes. Did I continue to notice warning signs, long before I was hopelessly emotionally invested, that these men were not proper relationship material? Yes. Did I continue on plunging deeper and deeper into the “Emotional Well of No Return” in spite of the fact that my intuition was screaming at me to run far away? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

One of my biggest challenges and sorrows has always been my difficulty in “letting go.” Particularly when it comes to men. Once I’ve become emotionally involved, it’s nearly impossible for me to end a relationship. And once a man has done something hurtful, it’s completely impossible for me to let go of the anger and hurt.

Is it possible that my reluctance to end relationships that clearly cannot work, stems from the fact that once a man has proven himself to be unworthy and I continue to give him more and more chances, I feel the need to give the relationship “another shot” in order to nullify or correct my poor judgment? Is it an effort to rectify my poor decision-making? Can I not let go of the hurt and the anger because I cannot acknowledge my self-directed anger? Do I feel the need to correct my failure by trying to make the relationship work?

All of the men that I’ve encountered have been complete assholes. However, does that prove that ALL men are assholes, as I’ve been inclined to believe? Maybe, maybe not. But, this morning’s revelation has convinced me that a happier and much less bitter existence is possible if I can learn to acknowledge my power as a human and as a woman by realizing my self-worth. In the future, when I meet a new man, I will monitor closely his actions and his words. I will no longer give any man the benefit of the doubt, and at the first sign that he’s a liar or a cheater or a commitment-phobe or an abuser, etc, I will end all contact with him.

I’m turning over a new leaf and taking charge. I’m no longer going to play the victim.

About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.

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