Fag Hags and Gay Guy Friends
March 28, 2006 by NYM
I had the most glorious Saturday. I met two friends on the Lower East Side, a part of the city I rarely visit but in which I should spend more time. We shopped a little, leered at men, stopped for a drink, explored around a bit more, leered at men, and then found a great little Russian place on 2nd and 2nd where we had wonderful caviar and infused vodka martinis and leered at men.
Why, you may ask, was the day so glorious? Because the two friends with whom I spent it are gay men.
Yes, I admit it. 85% of the time, I prefer the company of gay men to women or straight men. In fact, not only do most women I know feel the same way, most of them also have at least one best gay friend. It’s no coincidence that on Sex and the City both Carrie and Charlotte had their respective best gay friends.
Why do women love the company of gay men? Well, I certainly can’t speak for all women, but here are the reasons I enjoy spending time with my gay friends.
1. As I’ve gotten older, I find that gay men are easier to be friends with than many women. With gay men, there is no competition thing going on like there is with a lot of women. Mind you, it’s not ALL women. Some women are really great and secure with themselves and are above pettiness. Those are the women who are my friends. However, there are far too many other women who are in constant competition with other women over hair, clothes, men, etc. I can’t deal with that. So when I have the choice between a petty & competitive woman friend or a gay man, it’s the gay man every time.
2. They are men and have been socialized to be more comfortable and open about sex and sexuality and are therefore less judgmental. I can be certain that if I have a conversation about the random guy I picked up at a bar and had sex with the night before, that my gay guy friends will congratulate me and will not reprimand me or diss me behind my back and call me a slut.
3. It’s male companionship without the muss. The sex thing isn’t out there so I can totally be myself since I don’t have to worry about trying to be attractive and charming all the time, or worrying if he’s going to hit on me, or worry that his girlfriend may be jealous. I can always just be myself.
4. We can cruise guys together. Gay guy friends are great because spending time with them is like having the best of both worlds. It’s the best combination of spending time with girlfriends and guy friends without the respective negatives. In short, it’s just easy.
As with anything, there are some people who don’t agree. People like my mother. She openly despises my gay friends. No only because she’s lived her whole life in a town that is homophobic, but because she believes that spending time with gay men prohibits me from meeting a husband. According to her, not only will men not want to approach me to ask me out if they see me out with another man, but also that it’s time wasted when I could be out on another date.
Many women who regularly hang out with gay men are called “fag hags.” Not necessarily a complimentary term, it has many definitions but is most commonly used to describe women who consistently befriend gay men because they’re too unattractive to have a straight boyfriend and use the gay men as a placebo. Or women who, in spite of the fact that there is no hope, fall in love with gay men and/or try to get them to change teams. Or women whose entire lives revolve around gay male friends and their community.
Do some women use gay men as substitutes for straight male affection? I’m sure that it does happen. But I believe that’s the exception to the rule. Friendships with gay men are more like friendships with other women, than friendships with straight men. My gay friends and I have more interests in common than I do with my straight friends, there’s no sexual tension, and our friendship is never terminated or put on hold when they find a new significant other.
It’s definitely the best of both worlds.
About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.
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What if, instead, a woman falls in love with a gay guy, despite all the attempts and sanity she can use? It’s happening to me right now, and it’s terrible. I know there is no hope, so i am looking for ways to keep it under control and make it less of a problem.