Baggage Reclaim - Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women.

Reader Question: How do I know if I’m overestimating myself?

samples of Fallback Girl patterns that have culminated in the recent furore surrounding her supposed relationship with a married man. In the post I referred to a previous post I had written about overestimating yourself and how as a result of the perceived scary consequences of change, we often overvalue the wrong things, and undervalue the very things that are important. In my post about Sienna Miller, I said "Sienna likes men with unfinished business, high drama, serious IT factor, and she may believe a little too much in her own hype". In response to this, Astelle asked "NML, how would I know if I am overestimating my worth on superficial things? I may not be aware of it, how can I tell?"

Famous Mr Unavailable’s and Fallback Girls: Sienna Miller

British actress Sienna Miller, 27, appears to have it all. Fame, revered style, good lucks, and the world at her feet, yet it seems that she is more known for her poor taste in relationships than she is for her acting skills. I can't say I'm a fan of Sienna Miller but I actually feel for her because as many women who have found themselves on this site can attest to, when you don't have the right relationship values and decent sense of self, you find yourself looking for love in all the wrong places and being in pretty self-destructive relationships. Despite what some people may consider as having it all, Sienna likes men with unfinished business, high drama, serious IT factor, and she may believe a little too much in her own hype, something I discussed before when we overestimate the value of the things that don't matter, causing us to overestimate our superficial value and what we think we bring to a relationship. She uses her charms to draw in guys but struggles to hold onto them, and on some level she recognises how doomed her relationships are. It's not that it's her fault she can't hold onto them but she does mess with men that aren't going to be held on to by anyone.

Famous Mr Unavailable’s and Fallback Girls: John Mayer

I've had several emails recently asking my opinion about some very obvious celebrity relationships and individuals that reek of emotional unavailability and I realised that there are many things that we can learn from these very public displays. I could choose the obvious one and go straight for Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty, but we'll save that for tomorrow, because if ever there was a more obvious Mr Unavailable, other than the fictional Mr Big (and you all know how I feel about that), then John Mayer is the current king of Mr Unavailable's. Whiffing so much of danger, women everywhere should be taking his very public, assclown behaviour like the police equivalent of a APB. The main thing to learn from John Mayer is that when it walks like duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and comes with a whole load of evidential history behind it that says it's a duck, that's because it is. Like every Mr Unavailable and Fallback Girl relationship, do not make a rod for your own back by deciding that you are going to be the one he'll be different with and try and get him to change. The evidence and his behaviour are signs that are trying to help you! He's a rolling stone, gathering no moss, and avoiding any sense of permanency. If Jennifer Aniston thought she was getting marriage and a baby out of him, she must be on crack, but I suspect that on some level she knew it was doomed....

Guest Post: Emotionally Unavailable Men - Understanding the girl after you

Annie from The Adventures of Genuine Annie shares some great insights into the disconnected world of Mr Unavailable, the relationships he has after you break up, and what they mean about him. It’s a great reminder that we shouldn’t romantisize or envy the relationships we think he has with others. Meet Alan, sex addict, woman hater. Married [...]

Reader Question: What does an emotionally unavailable man do when a relationship ends?

A Chicago reader asks: “I am wondering how the emotionally unavailable man is after a relationship, how he talks to himself, or if he’s happy, etc. Not for HIM, but just to make myself feel better.” Interesting question. I’d ask why do you care but we all do what we need to do in order [...]

Guest post: Striking the balance between being the ‘pursuer’ and the ‘pursued’

In today’s guest post from long time reader, Sweet KeiKei, she explains why being in either of the extreme roles of being the pursuer or the pursued is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and how she is redressing the balance for a happier self. In my opinion, there are three types of people when [...]

Relationship Advice: Help me get away from my drunken, cheating boyfriend

Denise asks: I need some advice. I’m so fed up. I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years. He puts me down all the time, has come on to my so called mate, fingering her in the back of a taxi ( the driver told me) and I got rid of him but he [...]

Positive Woman, Positive Relationship

One of the misconceptions that many women have is this notion that the fact that they are with an ‘unsuitable’ guy for a relationship is circumstantial; they’re ‘victims’ of circumstance, bad luck, and it’s purely a matter of having the opportunity to demonstrate that they are a great woman with all of the right qualities [...]

Relationship advice: She won’t take a hint and am I an assclown?

Phil asks: I suspect that I am probably one of your Mr Unavailable’s and you’d probably even call me an ‘assclown’ but I thought I would email you because whilst I understand why you say the things that you do about men like me, I still think that women get an easy ride. Take my ex [...]

Why can’t men and women break up?

I admit; breaking up sucks and it’s a royal pain in the arse. Suddenly hopes and dreams that were pinned on the relationship have to get squashed and there is a whole load of white space where, in your mind, and sometimes in both, there were plans. But breaking up is one of those sh*tty, horrible [...]

Dating with fear and obsessing about your ex and no contact

The more and more emails and comments that I read about how women deal with emotional unavailability and the aftermath, is the more concerned I become about whether recovering Fallback Girls recognise some dangerous things that they may be doing to potentially draw them back into the cycle.

Dating and being cautious. Going on dates, being suspicious, being scared, worried that he's going to turn out like all of the others, downplaying him like you're settling for fear of ending up with another assclown.

Relationship Advice: I want to confront the Other Woman and thump her! How do I deal with my anger?

Kim asks: I recently found out that my boyfriend has been screwing some girl from his work for more than a year behind my back. I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn't know how. I was speechless at first and then I found myself literally physically throwing her out of my apartment. I think she was going to fight me, but I slammed the door behind me too quickly for her. Anyway, I confronted him and he actually lied initially (he said she was obsessive with a crush) and then admitted it when I threatened to break everything in his house.

So it's over now because I can't live with a cheat. The thing is, I am still mad at this girl and it has been all I can do to stop myself from going to her work and thumping the living daylights out of her. She has taken my man! I'm sure that she pulled some moves on him, strutting around with her perky t*ts and short skirts and whilst I know he's his own man, men aren't clever enough to avoid the charms of women like her that want to steal away other women's men. My mother always told me that a guy is only as faithful as whatever options he has and that they don't have it in them to resist temptation. I do think about taking him back sometimes (he keeps calling me) but I actually think about her more. I came across your blog when I read about the Other Woman and I know that you have some strong opinions about the sisterhood and confrontation but can you understand why I am so angry at her? How do I deal with this?

Relationship Advice: My boyfriend says that I’m ‘Needy’ because I want more. Am I?

Lisa asks: NML, I must admit that I have become paranoid recently because my boyfriend keeps calling me needy and I hate it! This started about a month ago when I said that I wanted something a bit more consistent and that I wanted to be sure that we were going somewhere. I couldn't bloody believe it when he said "Why can't you go with the flow Lisa? Why do you have to start pressurising me?" I must admit to being taken aback and I apologised to him for making him feel uncomfortable but I also told him that I felt that he was being harsh. He sneered at me and said "Oh Lisa...so needy".

Since then, things have been distinctly cool between the two of us and I'm afraid to say anything because each time I so much as look like I'm having so much as a negative thought he says "I hope you're not going to spoil the evening by getting all needy on me..." Bastard! I don't know what to do because to be honest, he has really p*ssed me off but I keep wondering if I caused this but not letting things 'be'. Do you think I am being needy? It's not like we're a new relationship - we've been seeing each other for more than two years!

Relationship Advice: I didn’t know that I was the Other Woman. Help!

Tess asks: I have been seeing my guy for almost a year and I’m crazy about him but I have recently discovered that he is not the single guy he professed to be and this all happened when his ‘real’ girlfriend busted us on a weekend away. I admit that whilst I am crazy about him, [...]

Living in Denial with your Relationships

Sometimes, when I read emails and comments from readers, I can hear the voice of Vikki Pollard from Little Britain saying "yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah" and what I hear is that many women agree with what I or others have to say about certain male behaviour like emotional unavailability, but they like to leave a trail of 'buts' because they don't want to write off all hope.

Whilst this is tied into a core behaviour of many women called Betting On Potential, choosing to deny the reality of someone or your situation says more about you than it does about him.