Comments on: Florence Nightingale: Why needing to fix/heal/help in the name of love is unhealthy (P1)

By: Hugh

Hugh — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:10:24 +0000

Great piece Natalie.
@Maria yes there is a connection and it goes beyond ‘rescuing’ behaviour in romance to all kinds of areas of life. It’s a classic element in what Transactional Analysts call a ‘Game’. There’s a good outline of the underlying psychology here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

By: Maria

Maria — Tue, 11 May 2010 06:21:32 +0000

Question to NML:
Is there any fundamental difference between FNs and guys with the so-called Knight in a Shining Armour Syndrome?
Thanks.

By: Pushing.Thru

Pushing.Thru — Mon, 10 May 2010 17:18:25 +0000

OK.. definitely.. a little hard to hear and swallow. But true

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:41:10 +0000

Yes he doesn’t have to be an ‘AC’ and it’s more the point that however you got to this point, you made choices to get to this point. Unless someone was a con artist and totally played one role and then revealed himself, using sob stories is actually a major red flag, which means it’s a red flag ignored in a situation like this. And yes, they do reel you in, but you also allow yourself to be reeled in.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:39:24 +0000

Yes – it would actually be better to use the energy on charitable work or fostering/adopting!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:38:39 +0000

It’s overnurturing and if only we saw the big picture instead of looking at the wood, we’d connect the dots of our actions and results.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:37:26 +0000

I love your comments – you are very right!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:36:49 +0000

Hi Columbia. I will definitely write some more on Miss Independent Miss Self Sufficient. It’s the ultimate power to have someone make you the exception, it’s just that it’s a very big bet to take and you’re actually giving yourself more reason to stay alone and ‘independent’.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:35:06 +0000

Jaysus, is she bonkers? That’s way too much hoping going on there! He’s told her exactly why he won’t commit on the first date! I hope she finds her way out of the fog!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:34:00 +0000

I’m sorry to hear of what you’ve experienced. It’s a real blow to your self-esteem and it’s like throwing your energy into the abyss. He was trying to warn you and you misread it but at least you’ll work to make a different choice next time. You need to be with someone who can put their feet in and be *there*.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:32:22 +0000

Amen Gina! I know people who walk around with their pain like a badge of honour. They think they’re being ‘real’ and in some respects they are, but they’re also not ready or able for a healthy relationship, plus part of the reason why people present baggage early is to start lining up the excuses or to attempt to convey the message – ‘I’ve been hurt before so treat me with care’. They then end up with someone who hears that message and creates more pain. Keep facing the pain head on and you will be happy and healthy. I learned that the pain is still there even when you ignore it so better to face it.

By: Pushing.Thru

Pushing.Thru — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:29:41 +0000

Just read your post to Kathy, thanks for clearing that up Natalie

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:29:40 +0000

Your comment is so right on. Be very careful what you wish for – it’ll bite you in the ass! I know too many people like that woman who don’t think out what they’re asking for and end up in a heap of trouble. I think your description about the layers is very correct and those who have carefully honed their persona and disguised their hurt will let you in but only so far. I should know – I used to be like this myself using humour, wit etc to distract and give off an ‘I don’t give a ****’ persona when really, I did. It’s very tiresome pretending, but some can pretend for a very long time and they are so distanced from themselves and have built up a wall, they wouldn’t know how to find their way back. Thanks for another inspiring comment x

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:25:56 +0000

Well said! That’s EXACTLY what I’m talking about!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 10 May 2010 15:25:15 +0000

It’s not about having someone who is uninterested in your past and you shouldn’t have to ‘hide’ your past either, but there must be more to the relationship than your pasts plus you must also be careful of codependency. That said, if your situation is working and healthy, and what you’re doing isn’t on the proviso of something else, knock yourself out. There is nothing in any of these posts about hiding yourself or not being able to verbalise your fears, but a woman taking on a project of a ‘broken’ man because of the opportunity to fix/heal/help because she needs to be needed etc is unhealthy. It’s up to you to know which relationship you’re in. Honesty and authenticity helps that. The boyf knows my deepest fears and I his but they’re not defining our relationship nor are they pivotal.