Comments on: Florence Nightingale: Why needing to fix/heal/help in the name of love is unhealthy (P2) http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: trinity http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261552 trinity Mon, 17 May 2010 22:39:48 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261552 Hi NML , That completly describes what i was saying above but your wording has it in a nutshell. Almost like constantly looking for error or possible wrongs? who knows but it was exhausting and no matter what, you couldnt win.Im glad to be rid of it :) I was then blamed, then left. It was a hard pill to swallow. My revenge is growth, learning and how much ive changed/moved on and i can see that he hasnt, not a drop <i>. And thats fine, what this simply means is our core values were completly different. I really do see that now. Take care. Hi NML , That completly describes what i was saying above but your wording has it in a nutshell. Almost like constantly looking for error or possible wrongs? who knows but it was exhausting and no matter what, you couldnt win.Im glad to be rid of it :) I was then blamed, then left. It was a hard pill to swallow.
My revenge is growth, learning and how much ive changed/moved on and i can see that he hasnt, not a drop . And thats fine, what this simply means is our core values were completly different. I really do see that now.
Take care.

]]> By: trinity http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261549 trinity Mon, 17 May 2010 22:25:12 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261549 Thank you Nat, you have played a big part in helping me to think differently :) Thank you Nat, you have played a big part in helping me to think differently :)

]]> By: Used http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261041 Used Fri, 14 May 2010 20:21:27 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261041 What type of guy does this? EU? AC? What label? I know A LOT of guys (married ones!) like this! What type of guy does this? EU? AC? What label? I know A LOT of guys (married ones!) like this!

]]> By: Used http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261040 Used Fri, 14 May 2010 20:13:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261040 NML-- Nothing wrong with them asking about you, including as to whether you are single. It's when they do it a certain way that gets to me. I guess that, in my past, I knew A LOT of that type of "certain guy" (read: insecure guy!)who needed a big ego stroke! Explains a lot! NML–
Nothing wrong with them asking about you, including as to whether you are single. It’s when they do it a certain way that gets to me. I guess that, in my past, I knew A LOT of that type of “certain guy” (read: insecure guy!)who needed a big ego stroke! Explains a lot!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261012 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:56:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261012 I have a friend with someone like this. He seems constantly dissatisfied and he is. When he runs out of things to try to change, he starts blaming her for why he's not feeling so great. He's always second guessing the relationship, saying stuff like 'I think we should be here and we're not, so maybe this isn't working'. He's a headwrecker! I have a friend with someone like this. He seems constantly dissatisfied and he is. When he runs out of things to try to change, he starts blaming her for why he’s not feeling so great. He’s always second guessing the relationship, saying stuff like ‘I think we should be here and we’re not, so maybe this isn’t working’. He’s a headwrecker!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261011 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:54:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261011 Let me clarify, when I say 'choose', I don't mean it in the same way that you choose which pair of shoes you put on or whatever. But you choose via your behaviour, your boundaries, your values, your judgement etc and as individuals, we are 100% accountable for ourselves and where we are, and everything we do is a choice, even when we don't see it as a choice. It's important not to portray ourselves as victims - it doesn't mean they're not the assclowns they are, but it does mean that we can empower ourselves to make different choices by being conscious in our relationships. Let me clarify, when I say ‘choose’, I don’t mean it in the same way that you choose which pair of shoes you put on or whatever. But you choose via your behaviour, your boundaries, your values, your judgement etc and as individuals, we are 100% accountable for ourselves and where we are, and everything we do is a choice, even when we don’t see it as a choice. It’s important not to portray ourselves as victims – it doesn’t mean they’re not the assclowns they are, but it does mean that we can empower ourselves to make different choices by being conscious in our relationships.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261010 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:52:19 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261010 I think in situations like this rather than focus on whether you 'chose' him, look at what you were attracted to and what behaviours fitted into the dynamic. For instance, were his actions matching his words, if you play back the early part of the relationship in slow motion in your mind, what do you see now that you didn't see then? When you did find out, why were you still emotionally invested in the illusion? This isn't for you to give you a hard time - it's so that you recognise where a guy like this sees an opportunity and maximises it. We cannot do anything about them but we can about ourselves. I've been with lip service guys - I was not living in reality. They could have told me anything. I think in situations like this rather than focus on whether you ‘chose’ him, look at what you were attracted to and what behaviours fitted into the dynamic. For instance, were his actions matching his words, if you play back the early part of the relationship in slow motion in your mind, what do you see now that you didn’t see then? When you did find out, why were you still emotionally invested in the illusion? This isn’t for you to give you a hard time – it’s so that you recognise where a guy like this sees an opportunity and maximises it. We cannot do anything about them but we can about ourselves. I’ve been with lip service guys – I was not living in reality. They could have told me anything.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261009 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:44:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261009 Well that may be a tad harsh. Only a certain type of guy who likes a big ego stroke gets off on knowing someone is interested after asking about it, but then doing nothing about it. My man asked one of my closest friends about me after we met at an event. He didn't ask if I was interested in him - he asked if I was single. They go back a long way. She gave him my details, he called, we went out. The rest as they say is history. Well that may be a tad harsh. Only a certain type of guy who likes a big ego stroke gets off on knowing someone is interested after asking about it, but then doing nothing about it.

My man asked one of my closest friends about me after we met at an event. He didn’t ask if I was interested in him – he asked if I was single. They go back a long way. She gave him my details, he called, we went out. The rest as they say is history.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261007 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:40:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261007 "As a side note the great thing about learning this is finally realising I’m not unlovable, quite the opposite in fact the only one really abadoning me and not loving me. Was me. " Excellent comment and I'm so pleased that you are learning to love yourself and see you in a positive way. Hugs! “As a side note the great thing about learning this is finally realising I’m not unlovable, quite the opposite in fact the only one really abadoning me and not loving me. Was me. ” Excellent comment and I’m so pleased that you are learning to love yourself and see you in a positive way. Hugs!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261006 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:39:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261006 Amen! Fear of abandonment ends up being reflected in men who have a tendency to leave, especially when they feel like they're being expected, needed, and wanted more than they're prepared to be. Personal security is extremely important in relationships because relationships filled with insecurity create more insecurity. Amen! Fear of abandonment ends up being reflected in men who have a tendency to leave, especially when they feel like they’re being expected, needed, and wanted more than they’re prepared to be. Personal security is extremely important in relationships because relationships filled with insecurity create more insecurity.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261005 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:38:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261005 Absolutely and it's knowing the difference between the two. This is why it's important to have an honest conversation with ourselves and be authentic - at least then we're conscious about what we're doing. Absolutely and it’s knowing the difference between the two. This is why it’s important to have an honest conversation with ourselves and be authentic – at least then we’re conscious about what we’re doing.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-261003 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 16:36:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-261003 I agree and I think it's important not to over intellectualize personal development. I don't want someone to control me with their requests for change no more than I want to control someone with my requests. Those types of relationships are tiring. I like living! I agree and I think it’s important not to over intellectualize personal development. I don’t want someone to control me with their requests for change no more than I want to control someone with my requests. Those types of relationships are tiring. I like living!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-260999 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 15:54:48 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-260999 I think in the wider sense, many people are into personal growth, but in this context of fixing/healing/helping, wanting someone to be open to growth is about them being open to the growth that *they* prescribe. It's nice to have people rooting for you, but I don't *need* someone to develop me - personal growth is personal. It's good to have a running mate, not a fixing/healing/helping 'coach'. I think in the wider sense, many people are into personal growth, but in this context of fixing/healing/helping, wanting someone to be open to growth is about them being open to the growth that *they* prescribe. It’s nice to have people rooting for you, but I don’t *need* someone to develop me – personal growth is personal. It’s good to have a running mate, not a fixing/healing/helping ‘coach’.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-260998 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 15:51:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-260998 Indeed! Indeed!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/comment-page-1/#comment-260997 NML Fri, 14 May 2010 15:51:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p2/#comment-260997 It's a real mind screw - how can a man like *this* not realise how great I am? Hmmmm...maybe there's something wrong with me. It’s a real mind screw – how can a man like *this* not realise how great I am? Hmmmm…maybe there’s something wrong with me.

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