Comments on: Forget ‘Mr. Good Enough’, Mr Perfect & The Fairy Tale: Get Real So You Can Get Happy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Michelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-254818 Michelle Tue, 23 Mar 2010 23:52:40 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-254818 Great post! I've had one of those revelations where I've realized that I have treated good men how ac's have treated me. Totally based on looks, finances, excitement, etc.. When I do get the guy I 'think' I want I'm usually miserable for most of the relatioship, loose myself, over give and so on. Before settling meant not getting the man with the good looks, money that sent shivers up my spine. Now I feel settling would mean passing up the good man who treats me wonderfully for someone who thinks their settling for me. Phew...hope that makes sense. Just in a few weeks of reading the posts I've learned a lot, very refreshing. Thanks! Great post! I’ve had one of those revelations where I’ve realized that I have treated good men how ac’s have treated me. Totally based on looks, finances, excitement, etc.. When I do get the guy I ‘think’ I want I’m usually miserable for most of the relatioship, loose myself, over give and so on. Before settling meant not getting the man with the good looks, money that sent shivers up my spine. Now I feel settling would mean passing up the good man who treats me wonderfully for someone who thinks their settling for me. Phew…hope that makes sense. Just in a few weeks of reading the posts I’ve learned a lot, very refreshing. Thanks!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252545 NML Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:58:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252545 Hi L, when I mention the whole attractiveness thing, it's not about denying your attractiveness or avoiding being confident about it, however in terms of actually *getting* a relationship and having one, in the context of that quote, I'm referring to being superficial to the extent that there is no value placed on substance yet people are wondering why there is no substance in the relationship. By all means, everyone should embrace their own attractiveness - but not be chained by it. Hi L, when I mention the whole attractiveness thing, it’s not about denying your attractiveness or avoiding being confident about it, however in terms of actually *getting* a relationship and having one, in the context of that quote, I’m referring to being superficial to the extent that there is no value placed on substance yet people are wondering why there is no substance in the relationship. By all means, everyone should embrace their own attractiveness – but not be chained by it.

]]> By: L http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252470 L Sun, 14 Feb 2010 20:18:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252470 Hello - I love your website - I am forwarding it to other strong women. To make us all stronger. I had a problem with this, though: "We overestimate our attractiveness and value, often valuing superficial and inconsequential things in relationships which means that we may be holding out for something that is completely unrealistic." About attractivenesss, when growing up, I didnt feel very confident about my looks. In fact, a good friend of mine mentioned to me that certain guys were "out of my league". I'm so glad I gave an opportunity to date/connect, with seriously, everyone's version of a beautiful man. It didnt work out, but anytime someone hot/cute - put me down for my looks or anything, I remember this: The most beautiful guy I ever met - inside and out - thought I was beautiful too. So, fuck you, buddy. Hello – I love your website – I am forwarding it to other strong women.
To make us all stronger.

I had a problem with this, though:

“We overestimate our attractiveness and value, often valuing superficial and inconsequential things in relationships which means that we may be holding out for something that is completely unrealistic.”

About attractivenesss, when growing up, I didnt feel very confident about my looks. In fact, a good friend of mine mentioned to me that certain guys were “out of my league”.
I’m so glad I gave an opportunity to date/connect, with seriously, everyone’s version of a beautiful man. It didnt work out, but anytime someone hot/cute – put me down for my looks or anything, I remember this: The most beautiful guy I ever met – inside and out – thought I was beautiful too. So, fuck you, buddy.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252456 NML Fri, 12 Feb 2010 23:24:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252456 @Gina Well said. The fact that you have become self-aware will stand to you in your future relationships because we are 100% accountable and if we want better, we have to make better choices and accept our own hand in things. It's a lot more work to fight something that isn't working. @MaryC Yes, there is definitely an undertone of sadness and we have to totally turn around our perspective on 'settling' and realise that we hold up potential suitors to such lofty highs, we may have our distorted sense of our own importance and attractiveness. @Aurora Absolutely. At the end of the day, we set ourselves up for failure with such unrealistic ideas about men and relationships, especially when we turn down guys claiming that we're not attracted and then feel motivated by a chump. @bebe I think you need to address your own beliefs about men and relationships. Get in sync with what your expectations are and ensure that you're not looking for things that are unrealistic or that you should be providing for yourself. Also if you're not content within yourself, you'll look for reasons to be discontent with him. @SRD Love the analogy and you're absolutely right about the validation, but also getting someone to make you the exception, is basically trying to turn a fantasy into the truth - a modern, very distorted fairy tale. @Mindy@SingleMomSays Thank you xxx @Newstart It's right that none of us want to be thought of as Miss Good Enough. At the end of the day, when we do our own inner work and hold ourselves up to the same standards that we expect from a partner and also question our motivations, it can be very revealing. You've gone looking for excitement - what we forget is that excitement often comes from danger... You need to find a middle ground and also ask yourself what you really want @Half Happy Soul I'd say examine what your Prince Charming actually means to you - write down who this person is and then ask yourself how realistic it is and how much of it is based on values, character etc. @Kat Wilder Amen. If we don't deal with our own issues, we end up sabotaging our chances in relationships because behaviour is mindset. If we can be real with ourselves, we gravitate to real people who give us a real relationship. @Maria Thanks @de-lightedtobefree Thank you hun xx @Gina Well said. The fact that you have become self-aware will stand to you in your future relationships because we are 100% accountable and if we want better, we have to make better choices and accept our own hand in things. It’s a lot more work to fight something that isn’t working.
@MaryC Yes, there is definitely an undertone of sadness and we have to totally turn around our perspective on ‘settling’ and realise that we hold up potential suitors to such lofty highs, we may have our distorted sense of our own importance and attractiveness.
@Aurora Absolutely. At the end of the day, we set ourselves up for failure with such unrealistic ideas about men and relationships, especially when we turn down guys claiming that we’re not attracted and then feel motivated by a chump.
@bebe I think you need to address your own beliefs about men and relationships. Get in sync with what your expectations are and ensure that you’re not looking for things that are unrealistic or that you should be providing for yourself. Also if you’re not content within yourself, you’ll look for reasons to be discontent with him.
@SRD Love the analogy and you’re absolutely right about the validation, but also getting someone to make you the exception, is basically trying to turn a fantasy into the truth – a modern, very distorted fairy tale.
@Mindy@SingleMomSays Thank you xxx
@Newstart It’s right that none of us want to be thought of as Miss Good Enough. At the end of the day, when we do our own inner work and hold ourselves up to the same standards that we expect from a partner and also question our motivations, it can be very revealing. You’ve gone looking for excitement – what we forget is that excitement often comes from danger… You need to find a middle ground and also ask yourself what you really want
@Half Happy Soul I’d say examine what your Prince Charming actually means to you – write down who this person is and then ask yourself how realistic it is and how much of it is based on values, character etc.
@Kat Wilder Amen. If we don’t deal with our own issues, we end up sabotaging our chances in relationships because behaviour is mindset. If we can be real with ourselves, we gravitate to real people who give us a real relationship.
@Maria Thanks
@de-lightedtobefree Thank you hun xx

]]> By: de-lightedtobefree http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252347 de-lightedtobefree Sat, 06 Feb 2010 23:04:35 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252347 Natalie, you are sooo inspiring :0 Thank you! Natalie, you are sooo inspiring :0 Thank you!

]]> By: Maria Esther Alfonso http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252341 Maria Esther Alfonso Sat, 06 Feb 2010 20:35:30 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252341 I need all you HELP .THANK YOU I need all you HELP .THANK YOU

]]> By: Kat Wilder http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252338 Kat Wilder Sat, 06 Feb 2010 16:06:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252338 I read this after a long talk with a friend who, two-plus years into a relationship, is going to end it. He loves her, she loves him; neither of them "settled." They both put a lot of work into it, went to couples therapy and kept making the statement to each other and to themselves individually: "I want this relationship to work. I choose you." Ultimately, their own issues from the past keep creeping up whenever there's a disagreement, and those issues are toxic when mixed together, like a chemist gone mad. Sometimes, it's just like that. Know yourself first, work on your issues, and love/embrace yourself before you go looking for love — then, you won't have any illusions about who you are, let alone him! .-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..<a href="http://katwilder.com/2010/02/i-dont-heart-valentines/" rel="nofollow">I don’t (heart) Valentine’s</a> =-. I read this after a long talk with a friend who, two-plus years into a relationship, is going to end it.

He loves her, she loves him; neither of them “settled.”

They both put a lot of work into it, went to couples therapy and kept making the statement to each other and to themselves individually: “I want this relationship to work. I choose you.”

Ultimately, their own issues from the past keep creeping up whenever there’s a disagreement, and those issues are toxic when mixed together, like a chemist gone mad.

Sometimes, it’s just like that.

Know yourself first, work on your issues, and love/embrace yourself before you go looking for love — then, you won’t have any illusions about who you are, let alone him!
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..I don’t (heart) Valentine’s =-.

]]> By: Half Happy Soul http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252334 Half Happy Soul Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:43:59 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252334 Natalie, I love your post, spot on again! I was very fussy about men, and then I realised that I cant probably find my Prince Charming (at the age of 33) so I decided to settle with "Good Enough"...it didnt work out, I didnt love him that much, he was nice but I didnt have this mad passion about him...We divorced after three years, I dont regret it. I am still looking for Prince Charming and I dont know if I ever find him, maybe I will end up with "Good Enough" again...but I dont give up yet!!! Natalie, I love your post, spot on again!
I was very fussy about men, and then I realised that I cant probably find my Prince Charming (at the age of 33) so I decided to settle with “Good Enough”…it didnt work out, I didnt love him that much, he was nice but I didnt have this mad passion about him…We divorced after three years, I dont regret it. I am still looking for Prince Charming and I dont know if I ever find him, maybe I will end up with “Good Enough” again…but I dont give up yet!!!

]]> By: Newstart http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252328 Newstart Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:05:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252328 It's great to find this site. I have been reading a site in the US since I ran in to trouble with my AC. Although it's a really good site it's lovely to find a UK site. The US site is mainly about Sociopaths, but they sound pretty much like Arseclowns! The interesing thing is that there are men on there also who have been treated realy badly by women AC's. Getting back to the post; I don't think you should ever settle. Better to be a happy and strong single woman than 'make do' - I think it's a sign of low self esteem and it's also not very fair on a decent man. Would you like someone to just 'settle' for you? I was with a lovely man for 26 years and we are still very good friends, but in the end I just did not fancy him. It was miserable for him and for me. I could have had a very comfortable life if I had just settled, and as it was I stayed until our child left home, but chose to leave and give us a chance at another shot at things. After two years I did what has been called on this site, a 'flip flop' and went for someone very different, a classic bad boy with so many red flags it was like a parade on May Day. I saw them and ignored them, what was I thinking? I am now trying to do 'No Contact' in between him turning up, lying, crying, stalking, threatening. But I have never considered that there might be connections between his character and my lovely ex. So yes, maybe it's more about us than them, why we keep making terrible choices, but I still think, never settle, never be happy with Mr Good Enough. Not fair on him or you. It’s great to find this site.
I have been reading a site in the US since I ran in to trouble with my AC. Although it’s a really good site it’s lovely to find a UK site. The US site is mainly about Sociopaths, but they sound pretty much like Arseclowns! The interesing thing is that there are men on there also who have been treated realy badly by women AC’s.

Getting back to the post; I don’t think you should ever settle. Better to be a happy and strong single woman than ‘make do’ – I think it’s a sign of low self esteem and it’s also not very fair on a decent man. Would you like someone to just ‘settle’ for you?

I was with a lovely man for 26 years and we are still very good friends, but in the end I just did not fancy him. It was miserable for him and for me. I could have had a very comfortable life if I had just settled, and as it was I stayed until our child left home, but chose to leave and give us a chance at another shot at things.

After two years I did what has been called on this site, a ‘flip flop’ and went for someone very different, a classic bad boy with so many red flags it was like a parade on May Day. I saw them and ignored them, what was I thinking?

I am now trying to do ‘No Contact’ in between him turning up, lying, crying, stalking, threatening. But I have never considered that there might be connections between his character and my lovely ex.

So yes, maybe it’s more about us than them, why we keep making terrible choices, but I still think, never settle, never be happy with Mr Good Enough. Not fair on him or you.

]]> By: Mindy@SingleMomSays http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252326 Mindy@SingleMomSays Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:12:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252326 Another great post! I've enjoyed reading your blog so much in the last few weeks that I gave you a shout out on mine today. .-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..<a href="http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-real-relationship-looks-like.html" rel="nofollow">What a REAL Relationship Looks Like</a> =-. Another great post!

I’ve enjoyed reading your blog so much in the last few weeks that I gave you a shout out on mine today.
.-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..What a REAL Relationship Looks Like =-.

]]> By: SRD http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252324 SRD Fri, 05 Feb 2010 06:36:40 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252324 Loved this post. I have just in the last 2 months become an avid reader and have begun suggesting this site to my friends. Thanks, NML To the point.... To the questions of "why do we want to be the exception". Speaking personally as an assclownaholic. I think that somewhere in the zone of needing validation from outside (and other unfortunate self-esteem and co-dependent issues), we assclownaholics believe that if we can get THIS KIND of man to love us.... the we must SURELY be lovable. It's like winning the Boston Marathon with a prosthetic leg or something. Oh how we love to fool ourselves! it's like a win-win on a sick subconcious level... If he loves me then I have climbed Mt. Everest, and if he doesn't... well I always knew that good relationships are unachievable and I am unlovable and men are mean and stupid anyway. Thank you always for such wonderful insight and for daring your readers to get real with themselves. Don't ever stop! Loved this post. I have just in the last 2 months become an avid reader and have begun suggesting this site to my friends. Thanks, NML
To the point….
To the questions of “why do we want to be the exception”. Speaking personally as an assclownaholic. I think that somewhere in the zone of needing validation from outside (and other unfortunate self-esteem and co-dependent issues), we assclownaholics believe that if we can get THIS KIND of man to love us…. the we must SURELY be lovable. It’s like winning the Boston Marathon with a prosthetic leg or something. Oh how we love to fool ourselves! it’s like a win-win on a sick subconcious level… If he loves me then I have climbed Mt. Everest, and if he doesn’t… well I always knew that good relationships are unachievable and I am unlovable and men are mean and stupid anyway.
Thank you always for such wonderful insight and for daring your readers to get real with themselves. Don’t ever stop!

]]> By: bebe http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252321 bebe Fri, 05 Feb 2010 02:47:24 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252321 Yes, I settled for Mr Good Enough...and I regret it. I am now in stuck mode where it's difficult to leave the relationship and difficult to stay. I'm stuck between Mr Good Enough and Mr Perfect. It's complicated. This situation doesn't feel good, and I'm only in it because I've put myself there. I know I need to take action, let go with one hand and reach out with the other....but which one?? In order to really answer that question, I think I need to find myself first. Here's a thought: Mr Good Enough becomes Mr Perfect when I'm happy. Mr Perfect turns into Mr Good Enough when there is someone else more appealing....and either could turn into Mr Unavailable or an Assclown at any given time!! So how do I see the bigger picture in all of this???? There never seems to be an answer, and I'm starting to realise that I AM the common denominator here. Yes, I settled for Mr Good Enough…and I regret it. I am now in stuck mode where it’s difficult to leave the relationship and difficult to stay. I’m stuck between Mr Good Enough and Mr Perfect. It’s complicated.
This situation doesn’t feel good, and I’m only in it because I’ve put myself there. I know I need to take action, let go with one hand and reach out with the other….but which one?? In order to really answer that question, I think I need to find myself first.

Here’s a thought: Mr Good Enough becomes Mr Perfect when I’m happy. Mr Perfect turns into Mr Good Enough when there is someone else more appealing….and either could turn into Mr Unavailable or an Assclown at any given time!! So how do I see the bigger picture in all of this???? There never seems to be an answer, and I’m starting to realise that I AM the common denominator here.

]]> By: Aurora http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252320 Aurora Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:44:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252320 Thank you for setting the record straight so clealry and with such precision, NML! You hit the nail on the head by bringing it back to our illusions, denial and fears - rather than the premise her book seems to focus on, which is a guy as the be-all and end-all answer to unhappiness. If you do not do the inner work, your chances of having a happy, healthy relationship are slim. For those womenw ho would prefer ANY relationship to none at all, there is a price to pay for that which they will not want to take responsibility for. There is a difference between having healthy boundaries and knowing what available and loving behaviors look, sound and feel like -- and being stubbornly fixated on the long-held fantasy of a Prince Charming who should want you because you have so much to offer, when in truth, you are focusing on the wrong things. .-= Aurora´s last blog ..<a href="http://1intuitive1.blogspot.com/2010/02/garden-fairy.html" rel="nofollow">Garden Fairy</a> =-. Thank you for setting the record straight so clealry and with such precision, NML!

You hit the nail on the head by bringing it back to our illusions, denial and fears – rather than the premise her book seems to focus on, which is a guy as the be-all and end-all answer to unhappiness.

If you do not do the inner work, your chances of having a happy, healthy relationship are slim.
For those womenw ho would prefer ANY relationship to none at all, there is a price to pay for that which they will not want to take responsibility for.

There is a difference between having healthy boundaries and knowing what available and loving behaviors look, sound and feel like — and being stubbornly fixated on the long-held fantasy of a Prince Charming who should want you because you have so much to offer, when in truth, you are focusing on the wrong things.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Garden Fairy =-.

]]> By: MaryC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252319 MaryC Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:41:24 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252319 Wow a lot to take in. Settling for some kind any kind of relationship, you wake up one day wondering like the song says "Is that all there is". How many of us have said that or know someone who has. When you "settle or put up with" isn't there always an untone of sadness knowing that you deserve better. Wow a lot to take in. Settling for some kind any kind of relationship, you wake up one day wondering like the song says “Is that all there is”. How many of us have said that or know someone who has. When you “settle or put up with” isn’t there always an untone of sadness knowing that you deserve better.

]]> By: Gina http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/comment-page-1/#comment-252317 Gina Thu, 04 Feb 2010 19:31:45 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forget-mr-good-enough-mr-perfect-the-fairy-tale/#comment-252317 Great points NML. I took alot of time out to work on myself over these past years. Even when I first started seeing the guy I am currently dating I had to access my intentions. Was I dating him because he had good character, do we share the same values, do I think he is a good person? That was the very reason why I did start to date him. I grown as a person in this situation because like you say relationships are a mirror... I was able to pick up subconscious false beliefs about myself early on. I feel the way that you do, perfection doesn't exist... relationships take work and through doing that with the person you are dating, you grow healthier individually and as a couple. If that person has a solid foundation, that's whats important... I learned that, the only way to truly be at peace is to accept the fact that we always are going to lose a person we love, but without accepting and embracing it - we can't love, we need to let go and let it come to us. Great points NML. I took alot of time out to work on myself over these past years. Even when I first started seeing the guy I am currently dating I had to access my intentions. Was I dating him because he had good character, do we share the same values, do I think he is a good person? That was the very reason why I did start to date him. I grown as a person in this situation because like you say relationships are a mirror… I was able to pick up subconscious false beliefs about myself early on. I feel the way that you do, perfection doesn’t exist… relationships take work and through doing that with the person you are dating, you grow healthier individually and as a couple. If that person has a solid foundation, that’s whats important… I learned that, the only way to truly be at peace is to accept the fact that we always are going to lose a person we love, but without accepting and embracing it – we can’t love, we need to let go and let it come to us.

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